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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

girls dont want to play

128 replies

greengirl87 · 03/09/2011 12:53

I know i probably am, but aibu to be upset that the older girls 7,5 and 4 playing out in my street dont want to play with my daughter (almost 3)? shes been excited all morning to go out and play with them, so we went out and she went over to find them and ask them if they wanted to play with her. They all just ignored her. Thier mum then asked the 5yr old if she wanted to come and play and her sister told her not to. My daughter didnt understand why they wouldnt talk to her or play with her.
The whole thing just made me feel really sad for her. I understand they are abit older, but could they not of just played with her for 30mins?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2011 18:44

Nobody is saying they have to be rude though..... We don't know what was said to the child by the adult. And I don't see what SN has to do with it?

pigletmania · 03/09/2011 18:52

IloveTiffany the majority on here seems to agree that its fine for the children to be rude and ignore the child as they are young to play with a 4 and 7 year old. I was putting across another senario whereby what if the child had SN and were on a different level to the children, would it be acceptable to ignore and be rude . No it would not. They should have at least acknowledge the child, say hello and be a bit polite.

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2011 18:58

So op says they 'ignored her'

So did they actively exclude her from their play
Or did they just carry on playing oblivious to if she was there or not?

I think there is a difference really. If they were being nasty and doing the running away, whispering thing, then yes, nasty and rude. But to just play on in their established game, not so sure. They played with her yesterday, maybe they found her hard work or something. We don't know. mum got involved, so an attempt was made.

pigletmania · 03/09/2011 19:04

The op said that the little girl attempted to engage with them and tried to strike up conversation and that they ignored her which imo is rude. At least they could have said 'hello' and explain what they were doing mabey.

JoInScotland · 03/09/2011 19:07

I haven't read all the messages, but we just got back from a party for an 8-week-old baby. Also in attendance were loads of adults, our 19-month-old son, a similarly aged boy, a girl about 3, a boy of 6/7 and a boy about 10. They all played together in the grass in the backyard. Happily. We all played together in big groups of mixed ages when I was little, and I have no problem with it. In fact, the two bigger boys (aged about 7 and 10) were fabulous with my son, getting him to drink water - I didn't even mention it to them - and keeping him away from the pond, letting him climb all over them. I was watching him like a hawk because of the pond, and made sure to tell both of them how kind and thoughtful they were, to look after my son so well!

I think it was a bit strange the other children wouldn't even say "hello" to your child, OP.

DizzyKipper · 03/09/2011 19:13

Aww that made me feel sad reading it too. Other people have bought up valid points about young children perhaps not wanting to play with another child so many years younger than them, but YANBU. It's a little something called empathy - you may understand why the other girls chose not to but it doesn't stop you feeling sad for your daughter all the same.

mumeeee · 03/09/2011 19:13

YABU a 7 year old would not want to play with a 2 year old.

pigletmania · 03/09/2011 19:14

mumee there is no excuse to be rude, and ignore the child is there, when they are trying to engage with you? A 7 year old should know full well not to be rude.

pigletmania · 03/09/2011 19:16

I am just so that people on here think its ok to be rude to a child because they are of different ages and don't want to play, no there is not! No excuse really

pigletmania · 03/09/2011 19:20

I am saying that because my dd 4.5 has developmental delay of 2 years, so mostly functions on a 2 sometimes 3 year old level. Her difficulties are speech and language and social communication, and if my dd made the effort to say hello to kids/people i would expect them to be polite to dd and say hello back, if kids were rude and ignored her or not very nice, it really would put her off and set her back.

GypsyMoth · 03/09/2011 19:24

Kids do this though don't they, and it's horrible to see, I agree, but it happens. Someone up thread said it's valuble to teach kids how to deal with social situations like these. In my opinion, the playground at school is the worst place fir this kind of thing, whiney 'we don't want to play with you' is still as common as when I was a kid!

LtEveDallas · 03/09/2011 19:25

Not playing out at 3?

Wow. So glad we lived where we did then, the 5 yr olds used to call for DD to play out before she could even walk! We bought one of those horrible walkers just so she could go outside with them... And the only complaint we ever had was one young lad (8) who asked DH to take DD back in because "there's been 3 goals, Spot [dog] scored one and DD the other 2, I want a chance!)

pigletmania · 03/09/2011 19:30

I know its a valuable life lesson that op dd will sadly have to learn, that not all kids can be nice or polite, same with adults really, some are really rude and impolite.

BakeliteBelle · 03/09/2011 19:51

piglet I have just been away with some fellow families with SN kids and the siblings are all very tolerant of difference in developmental age and real age. 2 - 15 year olds got on great, and the 11 year old took care of the baby of the group. The only hassle was when we all went to a farm and some NT kids targetted one of our SN kids.

It's the way they have grown up; out kids have had to learn to be tolerant and inclusive.

2old2care · 03/09/2011 22:37

ILoveTIFFANY is right.Kids can be cruel and its best to help your dc deal with that so they can be prepared for it at school.

pigletmania · 04/09/2011 00:11

bakelite that is great . My dd has grown more confident about approaching children and i am afraid that they will be mean to her once they suss she has SN, ones that don't know her.

HeyYouJimmy · 04/09/2011 00:41

Well Piglet, sorry to be so late getting back to you. I moved to Northern Ireland when DD was 1yo. A few days later and after our things were organised, we'd let the DC's out to play and played footie with them. Yes it's constant supervision at that age, but as a parent who values exercise, fresh air and their benefits for the kids and myself, I was willing to be out there 20hrs a day if it helped them keep healthy.

My kids rarely get the chance to sit on their bums. They're chucked out the door to play with their mates, and at 5 and 6yo, we've drilled it into them that if they go further than they're allowed, they come in and stay in until we can trust them. They've soon learnt that trust is earned and in turn we respect them for earning our trust. Besides the fact that they don't want to be kept indoors. My DC's are in every night at 7pm sharp so they aren't hanging around on street corners or being a nuisance to anyone except me and DH.

spiderpig8 · 04/09/2011 21:19

YABU-they don't have any duty to entertain your daughter.i am very puzzled as to why you think they would or should?

ChristinedePizan · 04/09/2011 21:29

Poor kids - it's their last weekend before school :( I had some friends to stay in the week.

My DS (4) was trying to get the 6 and 8 YOs to play thomas the tank engine with him and they didn't want to. Yes he was upset, and yes, I did feel sorry for him but I don't blame them. It's really hard with older kids and if they're just random kids in the street, they shouldn't have to play with other children if they don't want to.

ChristinedePizan · 04/09/2011 21:35

Sorry, that para break was in entirely the wrong place!

youarekidding · 04/09/2011 21:43

YANBU on the fact they ignored her. I would pull my DS up for that.

I agree that to older children a 2/3 yo is a baby.

My DS (7) has my cousins and my cousins DC's that are b13,g12, g9, b7,g6,g2, and g1yo to play with. They play in their age group sets, 3 oldest, then the 4 middlies and the 2 babies but aren't allowed to exclude another. If though they are doing something that's not age appropriate for others then ww don't expect them to stop. My DS loves playing with the 2yo (who's speech is amazing) but loses interest as soon as she stops hanging on his every word

I love the idea of you doing something with her which may encourage the others to come and join in. I'm sure once they get to know your DD they'll find it easier to play with her. I would allow them their big girl time though - they'll respect you for that and may be more inclined to indulge your DD more.

youarekidding · 04/09/2011 21:46

indulge INCLUDE.

HildaOgden · 04/09/2011 21:59

I really don't mean to be rude,but they might have been more put off the idea by you being right beside her,(which I assume you were the previous day when they played with her for an hour).There's nothing like a hovering adult to ruin the fun,if you know what I mean.

Her time to play on the street will come soon enough,in the meantime toddler groups and playdates will fulfill her socialising needs.

exoticfruits · 04/09/2011 22:22

She is no fun for them as she is too young and they are not old/mature enough to enjoy entertaining a younger DC. They don't know how to deal with her so they ignore. You are just expecting too much from young DCs. Had they been a couple of 10yr old you might have got more joy.

Againagainagain · 04/09/2011 22:55

They were rude to ignore her, my 8 year old wouldn't ignore a little child who wanted to play with him, he'd get bored after a while but that's understandable with a big age gap.

As for chavvy, that's just a stupid comment, most children take toys outside to play, bikes, balls skipping ropes mine takes his cars and Lego out there.

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