To wish DH and DM hadn't argued on DD2's 4th Birthday?

[PurpleLostPrincess]

DD2 is fine and totally oblivious to it, so I guess there's no harm done, but there was an atmosphere and frankly I'm furious with the pair of them and I've told them that!!!

DH often goes around the house with no top on if it's hot. He has a beer belly (t-total now, this was from years ago and he doesn't eat very healthily these days), and my Mum has made it clear on a few occassions that she finds it disrespectful and gross and has asked him to put his top on when they come round to visit. Last time they visited, they had my Great Aunt and Uncle with them from Canada and he was just about to go up for a shower. My mum wouldn't talk to him until he had showered and put a top on, she was embarrassed and 'revolted' that he would disrespect her. We had a bit of a discussion about it a few days later, he apologised but made the point that he should be allowed to dress any way he likes in his own house. He said he wouldn't do it again...

Fast forward to today. It's DD2's 4th birthday. She got a wendy house that we had been constructing all day in the heat - DH had his top off because he was boiling hot, sweaty etc. I knew it would be an issue so knowing my parents would be coming around 3.30, I asked him if he could please put a top on when they arrived. He refused and said no, it's hot and it's his house - if Mum doesn't like it tough!

Mum arrived, saw him in the garden then decided to sit inside as she doesn't want to be around him when he's not fully dressed.

We were just about to light the candles on the cake, gathered all the visitors into the lounge. DH asked if he should come in - I said if he put a top on, yes! He refused again... I lit the candles in the kitchen, unbeknown to me, DH slipped into the lounge and hid in the corner. Having been told this, Mum refused to come into the lounge as she didn't want to be near him.

So, she missed the blowing out of the candles! DH came out to the kitchen, belly on show, and asked Mum why she hadn't come into the lounge. She spoke to him like a 5 year old and with venom she told him "we've talked about this, you know how much it upsets me when you don't put a top on!". DH responded that he keeps to her rules when he is in her house and it should work both ways, then went back in the garden to continue building the wendyhouse. Mum burst into tears. I was making tea and told her that they have both over-reacted and that normally I could see her point, but he's working and it's hot today... She stormed out crying and went home. My Dad stayed a little while longer but didn't talk to DH or say goodbye to him. I mentioned to my Dad that I'm stuck in the middle as I can see both sides, they have both over-reacted - he just said 'welcome to my world'!

I'm fuming at both of them - Mum has been texting me, DH and I have had a row. Mum reckons that he never makes any effort for her, this isn't true as she only has to click her fingers to have a job done and he will do it. At the same time, DH has a point too.

I know she has issues with his MH problems, she always has done, but I feel this is over the top. She refuses to make allowances for his issues (he's agoraphobic and so struggles to do things like go out for family meals), but expects him to bow to her every whim.

Having said that, she is a different generation and truly takes offence to a man not wearing a top...

They have both apologised to me but insist that they don't want anything more to do with each other. How can they not see that puts me in the middle!?

I'm going around in circles!!! I'm going to make a cat with DD2 as she got a mister maker set as one of her pressies, as long as she has a good day, that's all that matters I guess.

I think your mother acted like a petulant child, not her home to make demands in.

I think your dh showed absolutely no class or decent manners appearing inside the house while guests were there for his daughters birthday party shirtless. He should have tried to look nice on that day.

He only needed to wear it while inside, he could have removed it when he went back outside to work on the playhouse.

I do agree with those who said at least your dh has a medical problem to explain his sometimes unreasonable behavior. My brother went ballistic during one of his childrens birthday parties when a restaurant made a slight error in the order of some food delivery for the party at home.
He refused to let anyone eat it, (the kids were saying it didn't matter, they liked it anyways) and gathered up all the food to return it,drive to the restaurant with the food and yell like a total maniac at their "incompetence". I cringe every time I remember. He was not yet diagnosed or on meds when this happened, Meds make a huge difference in how he is.

All I can say OP is I feel v sorry for you because they were both being VU!

Your husband was being unreasonable. Did you manage to keep your top on? It's not that hot that it's impossible to stay dressed. Just because it is 'his' home is not an excuse you were having a party he knew there would be guests. The fact he refuses to shower is horrible.

Your mum could have dealt with it better though.

Is your DH getting any help for his MH issues? Could it be the case that he is using the issue of clothes / not washing to exert control over an area of his life, because he has no control over work etc ? You indicate that your 17 to son doesn't like it either- is there tension between him and your DH ? I don't have experience of MH issues , so I don't know where you'd draw the line between behaviour resulting from the MH problems, and being inconsiderate (to his wife and children, as much as anyone else).

You sound incredibly patient, to have dealt with your DHs breakdown so calmly, and to accept his drug problem with no apparent blame or resentment. Under the circumstances I'd be hoping for a bit more respect and consideration as his wife- I don't think it shows much respect for your marriage that he's not willing to show any level of basic courtesy to you and the children.

Your mother might be concerned about you, but there's really no need to resort to that level of histrionics.

"but as she is not respecting his position in his own household,"

No, perhaps because they have helped financially & he stayed with her when thrown out by her daughter she doesn´t respect him at all.

I think she behaved badly the way she spoke to him.

But I think in the house with guests-top on.

It could have been prevented.

Both as bad as each other imo.

Can't believe so many people think it's fine to be shirtless and sweaty while hosting a party. If my dd was at a party where the dad did that, I'd think it was very odd. Not sure I'd take her to the next one.

Your mum was silly to back dh into a corner, but I think she's basically in the right.

Thing is - the OP doesn't say it was a party. She says that her dh was building a wendy house in the garden, her parents came round and whilst they were there they did the candles on the cake.

That seems like a very informal occasion - not the same as hosting a children's birthday party at all.

I'm one who the people who find it uncomfortable being around topless men. Fine on beaches, wandering around in the evening at home, etc but not in front of guests. Certainly not at a birthday party.

I can see your mum's issue and think he should've put a shirt on.

I swear alot (favourite word is bugger), but with certain people I know not to do it because it upsets them.

Its called taking other people into consideration.

Just to clarify, it was NOT a party, it was made clear DH would be putting the wendyhouse up, they were just visiting and another close friend was here too with her kids.

The one thing I feel bad about is that DM bought the cake at my request, but as far as I was concerned, it was her decision to not witness the candles being blown out.

Have had a chat with DH, he admits he had a bee in his bonnet about it and refused to put the top on to be awkward. That still doesn't justify my DM's behaviour, it was all too dramatic. Again, they have both apologised to me, but not to each other. Last night in one of my texts I told her that DH spoke to her politely but she responded with venom towards him in his own home (which she denies). However, she made it clear that had he not come out and specifically asked why she hadn't come into the lounge, she would not have spoken with him, she was happy to avoid him completely for the sake of DD2/the DC's.

She rang a little while ago and asked if everything was OK, I just avoided talking about it and told her stuff about the kids. She was upset that her sister didn't get a chance to say goodbye to them (flying home tomorrow), I bit my tongue and told her I will pop round tomorrow morning before she leaves. As far as I'm concerned, it was her choice to leave so quickly, DH didn't tell her to go (which he would have been in his rights to!). I'm just so tired and in pain, I didn't want to get into it, for my own sanity, not for either of them. If I had done, I would be putting myself in the middle of it all, which is exactly where I don't want to be!

I think your husband is being incredibly unreasonable.

It's rude to make a guest feel uncomfortable. Everyone else had clothes on - we do that for a reason, not just to keep warm.

Your DP smells bad and has absolutely no manners or respect. He knew this would cause a problem and carried on regardless, despite her kindness and generosity to your family.

Why the hell is everyone backing him up here?

The one thing I feel bad about is that DM bought the cake at my request, but as far as I was concerned, it was her decision to not witness the candles being blown out.

No it wasn't her decision not to witness the blowing out of the candles on the cake, it was your DH actions that made sure she didn't.

he admits he had a bee in his bonnet about it and refused to put the top on to be awkward

What a ghastly man, he shows no respect for either you or your mother.

Your H is being totally unreasonable, he did it on purpose?! Lovely chap to ruin his own daughters birthday because he had a bee in his bonnet. MH issues or no he must realise that is wrong and if he doesn't then he needs serious help. Your DM could have not risen to it but by the sounds of it your H was spoiling for a fight.

Your Mum is BU. Your DH was in the garden building. tree house. He was hot so had his top off. Yes he could have it a top on when he came in but it was only for a short while

Op's DH had finished building the playhouse, and did something deliberately to piss OP DM off, despite both the OP and OP's mum asking him not to do it....

No, he hadn't finished building it at all, not that it's relevant...?!

Mind you - when I posted a thread stating that I had made my husband do something he didn't want to then I was pulled to bits and told my husband clearly had no balls and that our relationship was awful and that I was a nasty harridan. Or something to that effect.

In this thread the OP and her husband are getting told off because her husband DIDN'T do as he was told.

No-one can ever win.

I just don't get to see why mother gets to tell OP's husband what to do in his own house. It wasn't a formal occasion - just a few family members popping in - and the fuss she made was all out of proportion to the situation.

They're both being U.

You need to tell them both to get over it and grow the fuck up. Otherwise DD2s 5th birthday will be just you and her while they can sit at home sulking.

I personally think your dh deliberately did it to wind your mother up,following her to ask why she didn't go into the lounge (when he knew bloody well why)was just goading her.

Your mother dislikes him because she thinks he's not good enough for you.Simple as that.She has done her bit through the years trying to help him out,even taking him in to her home when you kicked him out over drug use.And for that,she gets him deliberately refusing to cover his beer-bellied,boiling smelly body when he's near her???.

From an outsiders view:you are hooked up with a man that refuses to wash,doesn't contribute to the running of the home,pisses off at least one of your older children,is a drug addict,plays games in the shed....I have to say,if you were my daughter I wouldn't be delighted with the situation either.And for him then to deliberately parade his sweaty body in front of me....Yep,I'd be irked too.

He's using his Mental Health issues to cover the fact that he's being sooooo disrespectful of your mother.(and of you).And he's manipulating you into making excuses for him.Take care of yourself....because if it comes down to it,he wont.He will look after his own interests long before he considers yours.

Take care.

If you were my daughter, OP, I'd be hoping you'd leave that guy.

Hilda and Imperial are spot on, I am amazed at how many people are backing up your DH (have they read all your follow-up posts?)

Perhaps your mother is being dramatic because she simply can't take it anymore. You are her only child, she has been incredibly supportive over the years, she must want the best for you, and must be mystified why you stay with someone who can't support you and doesn't appear to respect you or the people who are paying his way in life.

I don't think it's that there are strings attached to your mother's help, I think it is more that at a minimum she would like to be treated with some respect given everything she has done for your DH. MH issues or no, how can he not understand that?

Hilda, you took the words out of my mouth. OP, I would be distraught if my daughter ended up with a man like your DH.

I too would be very very upset if either of my daughters had partners like this DH.