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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish DH and DM hadn't argued on DD2's 4th Birthday?

123 replies

PurpleLostPrincess · 02/09/2011 19:20

DD2 is fine and totally oblivious to it, so I guess there's no harm done, but there was an atmosphere and frankly I'm furious with the pair of them and I've told them that!!!

DH often goes around the house with no top on if it's hot. He has a beer belly (t-total now, this was from years ago and he doesn't eat very healthily these days), and my Mum has made it clear on a few occassions that she finds it disrespectful and gross and has asked him to put his top on when they come round to visit. Last time they visited, they had my Great Aunt and Uncle with them from Canada and he was just about to go up for a shower. My mum wouldn't talk to him until he had showered and put a top on, she was embarrassed and 'revolted' that he would disrespect her. We had a bit of a discussion about it a few days later, he apologised but made the point that he should be allowed to dress any way he likes in his own house. He said he wouldn't do it again...

Fast forward to today. It's DD2's 4th birthday. She got a wendy house that we had been constructing all day in the heat - DH had his top off because he was boiling hot, sweaty etc. I knew it would be an issue so knowing my parents would be coming around 3.30, I asked him if he could please put a top on when they arrived. He refused and said no, it's hot and it's his house - if Mum doesn't like it tough!

Mum arrived, saw him in the garden then decided to sit inside as she doesn't want to be around him when he's not fully dressed.

We were just about to light the candles on the cake, gathered all the visitors into the lounge. DH asked if he should come in - I said if he put a top on, yes! He refused again... I lit the candles in the kitchen, unbeknown to me, DH slipped into the lounge and hid in the corner. Having been told this, Mum refused to come into the lounge as she didn't want to be near him.

So, she missed the blowing out of the candles! DH came out to the kitchen, belly on show, and asked Mum why she hadn't come into the lounge. She spoke to him like a 5 year old and with venom she told him "we've talked about this, you know how much it upsets me when you don't put a top on!". DH responded that he keeps to her rules when he is in her house and it should work both ways, then went back in the garden to continue building the wendyhouse. Mum burst into tears. I was making tea and told her that they have both over-reacted and that normally I could see her point, but he's working and it's hot today... She stormed out crying and went home. My Dad stayed a little while longer but didn't talk to DH or say goodbye to him. I mentioned to my Dad that I'm stuck in the middle as I can see both sides, they have both over-reacted - he just said 'welcome to my world'!

I'm fuming at both of them - Mum has been texting me, DH and I have had a row. Mum reckons that he never makes any effort for her, this isn't true as she only has to click her fingers to have a job done and he will do it. At the same time, DH has a point too.

I know she has issues with his MH problems, she always has done, but I feel this is over the top. She refuses to make allowances for his issues (he's agoraphobic and so struggles to do things like go out for family meals), but expects him to bow to her every whim.

Having said that, she is a different generation and truly takes offence to a man not wearing a top...

They have both apologised to me but insist that they don't want anything more to do with each other. How can they not see that puts me in the middle!?

I'm going around in circles!!! I'm going to make a cat with DD2 as she got a mister maker set as one of her pressies, as long as she has a good day, that's all that matters I guess.

OP posts:

messalina · 02/09/2011 21:07

I think they have both behaved unreasonably and on your daughter's birthday too. They have both been really pig-headed. As someone else said, no attempt to compromise on either side. As for saying they'll never see each other again, you need to bang their heads together. I sympathise. And I do think it's a bit rude to go around topless, especially with a beer belly. I wouldn't let my DH go around topless even with just me in the house. But your mother's reaction was OTT. Your daughter does not want to see her grandmother in tears on her birthday. I think they both owe you an apology. At the root of your DH's refusal to wear a top could be a desire to test your loyalty to him...if you love him enough, you should back him against your mother sort of idea. A really silly day on which to put you in this position. I am cross on your behalf with both of them!

Original poster

PurpleLostPrincess · 02/09/2011 21:11

I think the reason I was upset with DH was because I asked him to put a top on, Mum didn't. I do get slightly embarrased by it too, but it was mainly to avoid any upset - unfortunately I have a habit of trying to keep the peace and it kicked in today.

OP posts:

willugotobed · 02/09/2011 21:11

I think your dh is being unreasonable myself.

Fine to go without shirt if no guests.

Otherwise not to me. Particularly for a birthday party. If you invite people round for a party the usual thing is to dress up a bit. If only for the sake of your ds.

TidyDancer · 02/09/2011 21:14

I think your DH was being spectacularly immature. Your mum overreacted a bit, but I would think it a bit disrespectful if I was a guest in someone else's house and they wandered around topless knowing I didn't like it. It's like your DH was being deliberately combative. Sure, your mum didn't behave as well as she should've done, but it's your DH who sounds worse to me. You could make the argument that it's his home, he can behave how he wants, but there is such a thing as common courtesy and respect, he seems to be deeply lacking in both.

messalina · 02/09/2011 21:15

The trouble with arguments between SIL/DILs and their PILs (aaaghh, too many MN abbreviations!) is that they rarely stay between those parties. You, as the son/daughter and spouse are inevitably called upon to intervene or at the very least have to listen to one (or both) parties moaning on about the other party. That's why such arguments are so stressful. And even if DM/DF makes a pretence of not involving you, there's still an atmosphere because it's hard for them to think of their child without thinking of the child-in-law they've had a row with. PILs can often be annoying and need to be told where to get off from time to time but I do think spouses can sometimes aggravate the situation by refusing to back down. They assume you should have an unquestioning loyalty to THEM even if they have behaved like a prat.

Original poster

PurpleLostPrincess · 02/09/2011 21:17

Thank you for more interesting opinions, I'm in agony at the moment so I'm going to bed to watch an episode of CSI NY. I'll be back later to catch up though.

Thank you again.

OP posts:

lucky24 · 02/09/2011 21:19

I think your DH is BU, fine to walk around your own house with out a top on but not when you have guests (and are sweaty uk).

I think he should have put a top on to come inside for the cake, bet there is a lovely photo of your DD blowing her candles out with a topples sweaty dad in the background, lovely.

Does he go topless when friends visit? Do they not comment? What about your DS's friends/girlfriend? I bet they find it gross too.

Saying that i think your DM should have watch the candles being blow out for your DDs benefit.

scarletfingernail · 02/09/2011 22:10

I think if you're having visitors it would have been polite for him to then put a top on, especially as it had already been discussed previously and he had agreed and given the fact that he knows it makes your Mum feel uncomfortable.

I'd guess that your Mum wouldn't have a problem with it if she thought more of your DH generally. If as you say your Mum has supported your family over the years through your DH's illnesses and drug addiction, I think really the least your DH can do is put a top on in her company rather than intentionally wind her up.

The fact that her support comes with strings attached is another issue though and maybe that is something that needs to be addressed.

DoMeDon · 02/09/2011 22:16

Of course YANBU to wish they hadn't argued but YWBU to get involved with it all. They are adults. Your DH has every right to dress how he wishes, especially in his own home. Your DM should address him about it and you should stay out of it. FWIW I feel sorry for him sneaking in on his child's birthday, I also think it's pathetic she burst into tears.

Personally i agree it is respectful to put on clothes around guests. However P's are family and we should all have the luxury of being ourselves around them.

Eglu · 02/09/2011 22:25

I agree that your DH should have put a top on for the cake. The rest of the time I don't see the issue. His house.

cjbartlett · 02/09/2011 22:27

I think it's a bit gross to invite people over and go topless if you've got bo probs and boils

Purplegirlie · 02/09/2011 22:40

I think it all sounds very odd TBH. Your mum with her apparent phobia of men with no tops on, and your husband refusing to put a top on and walking round with a big beer belly and stinking of BO, and then sneaking in and hiding in the corner of the living room!

I would have told them both to get a blood grip

Purplegirlie · 02/09/2011 22:45

I meant *bloody grip of course,

carriedababi · 02/09/2011 22:52

your mum is bu

its his home, its hot and he was building a playhouse

she needs to grow up a tad

Pandemoniaa · 02/09/2011 22:58

All this "it's his home" business smacks of the sort of misplaced understanding of human rights that is far too common and which makes my blood boil. Sure, it is his house and in theory he can entertain guests stark bollock naked. But where did good manners get sacrificed to the cause of "entitlement"?

As I said before, I disagree with the histrionics shown by the OP's mother but this is a situation where neither side was in the right.

Sandalwood · 02/09/2011 23:00

I'm in the put-a-tshirt-on-for-guests camp.

cera1980 · 02/09/2011 23:01

I think that your oh and mother are both being unreasonable. If I were having family round for one of my children's birthday parties or something they had been invited to (meals, christmas dinner etc) I would expect my dp to be washed and dressed before they arrived, if they are just popping round then they take us as they find us!!

Your mother sounds like a complete and utter drama queen in the way she reacted, but I do wonder if this may have been a breaking point for her, having witnessed you supporting your oh through his mh issues, but him not bothering to do as much as being appropriately dressed for a family get together.

TipOfTheSlung · 02/09/2011 23:04

I think they're as bad as each other.
It is not your mums place to tell your DH what to do in his own home

on the other hand

it is rude to invite people over and then to walk around topless (and smelly?) and he didn't have any respect for you when he ignored your request

cjbartlett · 02/09/2011 23:05

I think some of you are missing the point
He's over weight
He's got body odour problems
And boils

It's hardly a diet coke moment is it?!

Pancakeflipper · 02/09/2011 23:09

They are both digging their heels in and being stubborn. And it is sad that they couldn't stop being so pig-headed on what was supposed to be a happy family time. Bang their heads together and tell them to grow up.

But I'd be telling my DP to get his tummy hidden if we had guests and were having a kids birthday party unless he was an utter athletic god. If he was an athletic god - then I'd hide his clothes.

triskaidekaphile · 02/09/2011 23:13

I would be utterly and completely mortified if my partner (male) was topless in front of my dad. And my partner, as it happens, is not smelly or deliberately petulant or covered in boils.
I would also expect him to be eternally grateful (within the confines of any illness) to me and to my parents if they had put him up for any period of time while he came off a drug.
Your dh is a pratweevil deluxe.

pixielicious · 02/09/2011 23:49

I think your mum is being unreasonable. I get that you are a bit annoyed that your DH was being obstinate, but maybe he just didn't want to create extra washing by putting on a top that would have to go straight in the wash! I also think that if I were in a similar situation with a parent in law, i.e. where they were repeatedly instructing me on how to act/ dress in my own home, I would to eventually arrive at the point where I wished to deliberately defy them just to make a point (childish maybe, but what else can he do??). And no way should he have to have sneaked in etc. to watch his own child's birthday. She was the important one in all this: you mum should have just put up with i IMO. It's rubbish for you to be in this situation OP, but if I were you I would be siding with your DH on this one, and telling your mum that your DH will continue to dress as he likes in his own home, and if she doesn't like it then tough!

willugotobed · 02/09/2011 23:55

So ok if you want to sit in yer vest and stinky pants at home fine - but don't invite people round for a party and don't embarrass your dc like that.

Putting a top on to go straight in the wash!!! Please - why bother putting pants on in that case.

It's common courtesy. I'm a size 20. Should I go round naked to guests to save washing? Pixie I really don't get your point here.

sayithowitis · 03/09/2011 00:03

Let's imagine for one minute, the responses if this post had been written about a poster's MIL demanding that when she (MIL) visits the DIL, she demands a certain level of clothing for the DIL to wear during the visit. Do you really think that anyone would be supporting the MIL? I reckon the consensus would be that it was the fault of the DH for not standing up to his bitch of a mother and for allowing her to cause problems for the DIL in her own home.

AFAICS, regardless of MH issues, body issues etc, the DH here is entitled to dress as he sees fit IN HIS OWN HOME. I would not take kindly to someone demanding that I dress in a certain way in my home and especially not when I was working hard, outside on a hot day. If my MIL was to suggest that I was disrespectful to her because I choose to dress in a certain way in my home, not her home, mine, then I would be thinking that maybe I wouldn't want anything to do with her either. And I know that if I came on here with that scenario, there would be a lot of support for me.

I feel sorry for the DH.

worraliberty · 03/09/2011 00:07

Thanks Worra, by the way, I see DD2 sometimes and link that (wrongly) with the age

Lol Lyin When I first started posting here and people would mention their DD1, DD2 and DD3.....I used to think blimey, everyone's kids are only a year apart

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