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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to spemd time with me not his lesbian BFF

99 replies

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 10:18

Ok here goes I may get some stick for this Im not sure but I want to know how other women in my shoes would feel.
My hubby has been friends with her since he started his job two years ago I like her she is a nice person . She's one of the lads so to speak in the way she acts and dresses etc.
Lately she comes around a lot we only moved house six weeks ago and shes slept over twice in that time. Shes comes around two maybe three times a week sometimes after work. It gets me down my hubby is closer to her than he is to me and maybe shallow if she were a man it wouldnt bother me as much but being a woman it makes it harder for me.
He goes out up town with her for a drink and last sunday instead of spending it with me and the kids he spent it drinking with their mates in her flat all day and night.
I was so angry I wanted to kick him out there and then. He says shes a mate and Im paranoid and jealous (which yes maybe I am) he sends her texts messages at night and they talk about random stuff like music or football.
Its her birthday next week and shes invited us both round hers to celebrate i dont want to go he does.
When I go to bed some nights and shes round I can hear them watching stuff together on TV laughing and joking and I think he should be with me not her!

I dont mind him having her as a friend but I think its too much. They work together and she said she will drop him home from work tomorrow on her way home but this is when she usually parks herself there and dont go home. Ive point blank told him if she comes in saturday night im walking out and leaving them too out and might not come home all night.
We've got two children together and other than this he is a good father but not such a great husband lately .
Any advice is this me being ureasonable?

OP posts:
Binfullofmaggotsonthe45 · 02/09/2011 10:27

Doesn't matter whether it's a girl or bloke, frankly it's a large amount of time to spend with another person when you have a family and a relationship.

What is he getting from this relationship that he cant' get from you, and are you giving up a little bit?

I would organise your time a little bit so you know when she is coming round, or they are going out. EG when are you seeing such and such, this week, and stick to the times - add them to a calendar if need be. Then if she just pops round unannounced and parks herself in the living room you can say, DH and I made plans to do some things this evening, he's seeing you tomorrow, so we'll see you then???

My Dh had a lot of lesbian mates as he was in the army, generally I loved the fact that he had great friendships, and hoped he'd understand the female perspective a lot more, in such a male environment. However there was one girl who used to push me quite a bit, and disrespect me infront of the group of friends. She thought it was hysterical to ask my husband to impregnate her as she wanted a baby, and saw how cute my son was so wanted the same. Thing was, it went on and on every time and well, really wasn't funny. I told him she couldn't come round anymore as she was a prick, and he kept the friendship to work only.

On the whole it sounds like you need to do more together, and have more fun together then this woman will fade into the background a bit.

mumblechum1 · 02/09/2011 10:30

He's spending way too much time with her imo.

You need to tell him, and she needs to be a lot more sensitive to the fact that he isn't single, he has a family and they come first.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 10:31

Thankyou for your reply Im considering printing this off to show him how much this is hurting my feelings .

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 10:31

Thankyou thats the thing she always invites him out knowing I think it will cause a row between us and she dont seem to care.

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LadyBeagleEyes · 02/09/2011 10:33

Wouldn't matter if she was a lesbian or a male friend, YANBU.
He is spending far too much time with this person.
Why should you have to have her in the house all the time?
It's your home too.
I'd be having serious words.

DizzyKipper · 02/09/2011 10:49

She doesn't sound like a particularly good friend then if she knowingly causes rows between you and possible friction in the relationship, whether either of you two get on or not she should respect the marriage and care enough about her friend not to cause animosity within it over these issues. Doesn't sound like she does. YANBU.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 10:54

I dont think she cares if she causes arguments as once my husband even told her he wanted an 'early night' and she did not take the hint and still sat there until ten at night!

OP posts:
PhilipJFry · 02/09/2011 10:55

I think I would be upset at anyone coming round two or three night a week, every week. Surely your husband must realise that you two need time to connect and talk after spending the day apart? You are not being unreasonable at all and it's a shame he writes you off as being paranoid and ridiculous rather than inspecting his own behaviour and communicating properly. Your concerns here shouldn't be dismissed.

He sounds like he spends a lot more time talking to her than he does to you. Maybe he should think about where this will leave his marriage in the long run.

PontyMython · 02/09/2011 10:58

YANBU - regardless of her gender or sexuality he should be putting you and your family first. He's acting like a young carefree singleton. I do think that a social life shouldn't stop after DCs but there's a limit, and he is majorly exceeding that!

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:04

Thankyou! What I needed to hear so thanks we will be having major words tonight !

OP posts:
squeezemebakingpowder · 02/09/2011 11:04

I agree, it doesn't matter what sex this mate is, your dh is spending far too much time with them!

You need to start spending quality time both as a family and as a couple. I think what binfullofmaggots said about organising time together and with her and having it on the calendar is a great idea too.

You should also point out how he would feel if the roles were reversed and you were spending copious amounts of time with a friend of yours!

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 11:07

Yanbu - it's seriously weird irrespective of gender or sexuality.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:12

Carmin why do you think its weird ? like how much time he spends with her thats what my friend said that its weird too.

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Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 11:12

I'm passive agrresive and would ask DH if he will be ok with me spending as much time with my male friend. If he said "No" then i would go out everytime she came over and tell him he had to look after the kids as i was going out so he couldn't go to her house.

On the odd occation i would drop hints like "You still here, do you not have a home to go to?" or "Here again?".

If that didn't work i would up it to "Do you mind leaving so i can take my husband upstairs and fuck his brians out - I'm sure you understand" and smile sweetly. Genraly make her feel uncomftable in my home.

BuntyPenfold · 02/09/2011 11:13

Is she lonely, do you think, as she won't take the hint to go?
I expect to come first with my DH and he comes first with me, so no, YANBU.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:14

hahaha cheap I have dropped hints before but its time for some straight talk now and basically telling her to go home.
Im unsure what to do about her birthday next week too another night he is out of the house all night! Should i say I dont want him going and risk coming across as controlling?

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Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:15

Bunty I think she is but its not really my problem its not helped she has moved 2 mins away from us with her cousin .

OP posts:
BuntyPenfold · 02/09/2011 11:17

As it is her birthday, could you both have a quick drink or something, so as to let her down gently.
I would be objecting big time if I were you, and wondering what her motives, and DHs priorities, are.

Oakmaiden · 02/09/2011 11:19

I agree with the other posters - this is far too much time for him to be spending with a friend, to the detriment of his family relationships, regardless of that friend's gender.

However, I also would think that the birthday is an acceptable engagement for your husband to attend. He just should be making an effort to spend more time with you and his family than he does with his friends.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:20

I dont know I think she just has no where else to go and she is single so comes to mine to pass the time but I work and last thing I want is to come home to people sitting in my house for the 3nd night that week how come she doesnt get that!

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going · 02/09/2011 11:20

It would upset me too. DO your and your dh spend much time alone together?

You have to be straight with her, if you want to her go tell her directly rather than dropping hints.

BuntyPenfold · 02/09/2011 11:22

I didn't mean to imply that it is your responsibility if she is lonely, sorry, I only wondered if she has many friends or if your DH is her only pal.
Does she live with her cousin? If so, she is not all alone in the world and I would tell her to skip it myself, especially if she wants to sleep over. Sleepovers are for drunks and kids.

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 11:24

Sweetness86 - he's spending far too much time with her - it's great to have a friend you really get on with but she's taking over and it's affecting your family life - you're not paranoid or jealous at all.

You need to tell him again that he's being unreasonable.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:24

Ive told him to tell her to go home I think he should as its his friend and if I do it I come across as the bitch.
No we dont spend anytime together anymore he works I work a few days a week too thats why on sundays I think he should be home not sitting in a flat getting pissed while Im with the kids !.
I really resent him right now Im grumpy at home I just dont want to talk to him as he just thinks 'Im making a big deal out of things'

I see my friends but once a week i wouldnt dream of sitting in my mates 3 nights a week everyweek and then sleeping pissed up on her sofa its just wrong!

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Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:27

When she sleeps over aswell the kids want to sit on the sofa and cant and she lies there dont even get up when im up its so rude.
Last week he treated me to another face from work staying over his mate and he lay on my sofa till 11 in the morning I wouldnt mind but its brand new aswell.

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