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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want my husband to spemd time with me not his lesbian BFF

99 replies

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 10:18

Ok here goes I may get some stick for this Im not sure but I want to know how other women in my shoes would feel.
My hubby has been friends with her since he started his job two years ago I like her she is a nice person . She's one of the lads so to speak in the way she acts and dresses etc.
Lately she comes around a lot we only moved house six weeks ago and shes slept over twice in that time. Shes comes around two maybe three times a week sometimes after work. It gets me down my hubby is closer to her than he is to me and maybe shallow if she were a man it wouldnt bother me as much but being a woman it makes it harder for me.
He goes out up town with her for a drink and last sunday instead of spending it with me and the kids he spent it drinking with their mates in her flat all day and night.
I was so angry I wanted to kick him out there and then. He says shes a mate and Im paranoid and jealous (which yes maybe I am) he sends her texts messages at night and they talk about random stuff like music or football.
Its her birthday next week and shes invited us both round hers to celebrate i dont want to go he does.
When I go to bed some nights and shes round I can hear them watching stuff together on TV laughing and joking and I think he should be with me not her!

I dont mind him having her as a friend but I think its too much. They work together and she said she will drop him home from work tomorrow on her way home but this is when she usually parks herself there and dont go home. Ive point blank told him if she comes in saturday night im walking out and leaving them too out and might not come home all night.
We've got two children together and other than this he is a good father but not such a great husband lately .
Any advice is this me being ureasonable?

OP posts:
bananamam · 02/09/2011 11:27

Yanbu but you need to talk to your DH about it and he needs to speak to her, or you do.

YABU in that her being a lesbian is nothing to do with the situation, and as a lesbian it's a little offensive when your sexuality is used in a way that is a put down. Who she sleeps with has no bearing on why your DH and her spend so much time together.

She does seem to spend far to much time in your house though. If my dp spent that much time with anyone(male or female, gay or straight) I would be speaking to her about it.

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 11:29

Ah Jesus you need to get tougher - I'd pick her up and fling her out personally.

Oakmaiden · 02/09/2011 11:31

bananamam I may have got this wrong, but I think the OP only mentioned she was a lesbian in order to show that she wasn't concerned that her husband and the other woman might be having an affair, and that she knows they are platonic friends.

BuntyPenfold · 02/09/2011 11:32

I can see your DH is reluctant to upset her, and it is difficult as she is also a work colleague. I suppose it is easier for him if you take a stand, then he doesn't have to.

I wouldn't worry about coming across as a bitch tbh. She is out of order and I would bet she knows it really.
Does it really matter a lot to you if she thinks/says you were unpleasant to her?

Callisto · 02/09/2011 11:32

It sounds so bizarre - like she is deliberately undermining you. And I don't think I know a single person, gay or straight, who would think this is normal. Are you sure she is a lesbian? Could she be bi-sexual and be after your DH? The whole thing sounds more like an emotional affair (for want of a better term) than a friendship to me.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:32

I know it doesnt but if it were a straight woman more questions would be asked here like or not. Im not putting any lesbian women down at all i knew this would happen I think if I posted it was a single straight woman replies may have been different thats why I stated her sexuality and no it shouldnt matter but it does in regards to this post.
Im sorry if I offended you but I wanted an opinion from people and couldnt do that without all the facts.

I know Carmin Im too soft how she can just lie there is beyond me .

OP posts:
LadyBeagleEyes · 02/09/2011 11:34

Maybe you should do what you mentioned upthread OP.
Have a friend to come over 3 times a week, go out and stay out while he watches the kids etc.
Childish but he'd soon see how unreasonable he is being.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:35

Calli - I know she is definatley not attracted to men and if anything she eyes me up on occasions not my DH.

OP posts:
bananamam · 02/09/2011 11:35

Ah right!!! My mistake. I read you wrong Smile

Callisto · 02/09/2011 11:36

Maybe that is the reason she is undermining your relationship with your DH? I'm struggling to see a reason why anyone over the age of 16 would behave in this way. I also think your DH needs to be a bit more supportive of you and your family, and a bit more mature.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:37

Thats my thinking Lady because I said to him if she is here saturday im going out all night and I will and I would invite my friends over that much but they all have lives and families.
I just wish my DH would grow up and see he isnt a single guy without children like his mates are. Hes got a family and we should be put first.

OP posts:
Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:39

Thats what I said its how 17 year olds act not adults.

OP posts:
carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 11:40

It's nothing to do with her being a lesbian - I'd be saying the same things to you if she was straight, a man, or whatever -

She's taking the piss, and anyone with an ounce of decency wouldn't intrude on you in this way.

BuntyPenfold · 02/09/2011 11:44

Your DH sounds a bit immature to be honest, and perhaps he doesn't want to upset her.
You will have to be upfront with her. Practice assertive behaviour.

Don't ask her in, just say 'Sorry, it's not convenient to have visitors this evening. Bye now, see you around.' Smile and close the door!

Also:'No, sorry you can't sleep over, we have an early start.' You don't have to explain any more than that.

She is walking all over you! Don't let her.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 11:45

I know and I also know we will probably have a row later as hes been saying Im out of order etc but now I see everyone on here agrees with me so I know Im in the right to confront him about this .

OP posts:
Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 11:48

How much of the housework and childcare does your husband do?

If she is single she may not understand what have children is like and think its ok to do these things as your DH has not said any different.

I think you need to sit your DH down and explain the impact his behaviour is having on his family.

It does sound like he wants to recapture his youth and be the cool fun guy with out a wife and children but still have you to take care of him.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:00

Yeah maybe cheap and none of his friends have kids they dont know what its like its 24/7 isnt it. I think he is immature none of them seem to think about me or the kids their life is all about them well the same cant be said for him needs to grow up and realise that.
Its like the other day when he finished work early and went and sat in the gym with her rather than come home he sat and watched her at the gym ! It gets my back up big time .

OP posts:
carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 12:03

hmm - sounds like he's got a serious crush on her and she's stringing him along -

Good luck.

BuntyPenfold · 02/09/2011 12:06

He sat and watched her at the gym????!!!!!!

sweetness86 tell her to sling her hook. Seriously. Now.

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 12:16

With him watching her at the gym I would be saying its her or me and your kids. That is so not on - I dont think he would do that with a male friend would he?

Ask him if she is worth his family. Then ask him to leave to think about it.

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:17

Thankyou Why would a grown bloke want to sit and watch someone else at the gym get a life springs to mind ! Even writing this down makes me feel more angry .

OP posts:
Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 12:18

You do not have any controll over what she does. Its your DH that is in the relationship with you and he needs to change.

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 12:21

Could he have a crush on her? Could he be giving her the attention she wants?

Have you gone on holiday or away and has he stoped contacting her or not?

He is having a relationship with her that is not phyical and that you cant stop him as they are "just friends" but it sounds like more on his part.

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 12:24

More importantly - why is he telling you he's watching her at the gym?
If you're having some sort of extra marital thing - then you don't normally rub your partners nose in it -

Sorry to be brutal, but your dh sounds worse than her -

Original poster
sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:25

We havent been away this year but we had arranged to go cinema and she wanted to come! I put my foot down and said noooooooooooooo way is she going!
I dont know if he has a crush on her she is no where near his type at all like I say she is pretty much one of the lads but I suppose he could do.
We are going away the end of month so we shall see then I guess if were still together by then I have told him its ruining our marriage and we are discussing it tonight well I am he thinks Ive said what Ive had to say but Im laying down the law later.

OP posts: