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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my husband to spemd time with me not his lesbian BFF

99 replies

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 10:18

Ok here goes I may get some stick for this Im not sure but I want to know how other women in my shoes would feel.
My hubby has been friends with her since he started his job two years ago I like her she is a nice person . She's one of the lads so to speak in the way she acts and dresses etc.
Lately she comes around a lot we only moved house six weeks ago and shes slept over twice in that time. Shes comes around two maybe three times a week sometimes after work. It gets me down my hubby is closer to her than he is to me and maybe shallow if she were a man it wouldnt bother me as much but being a woman it makes it harder for me.
He goes out up town with her for a drink and last sunday instead of spending it with me and the kids he spent it drinking with their mates in her flat all day and night.
I was so angry I wanted to kick him out there and then. He says shes a mate and Im paranoid and jealous (which yes maybe I am) he sends her texts messages at night and they talk about random stuff like music or football.
Its her birthday next week and shes invited us both round hers to celebrate i dont want to go he does.
When I go to bed some nights and shes round I can hear them watching stuff together on TV laughing and joking and I think he should be with me not her!

I dont mind him having her as a friend but I think its too much. They work together and she said she will drop him home from work tomorrow on her way home but this is when she usually parks herself there and dont go home. Ive point blank told him if she comes in saturday night im walking out and leaving them too out and might not come home all night.
We've got two children together and other than this he is a good father but not such a great husband lately .
Any advice is this me being ureasonable?

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:29

I honestly dont know why he sat in the gym he said it was because she was dropping him home so he had to go with her and wait and plus he wanted to see it as he might start going the gym again .

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/09/2011 12:30

What do his other mates think, Sweetness?
Is it just your dh that she homes in on or is she part of a larger group?
Reading your posts, you have been very welcoming and she is now taking advantage of it.
He's a husband and dad now, and missing out bigtime on family life as long as he's hanging out with her so much.
Just curious, but what ages are you all?

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:37

Im 25 my husband is 28 and she is 24 . They were part of a larger group orignally where by she came around with other friends but since shes moved nearer she comes on her now.
I feel bad for her as her family live miles away and her cousin is always out so I think she comes to ours as a loose end a lot but my hubby needs to tell her to back off.
My friends think its weird my mom says not to go on about to him incase I push him away (hes doing that himself) his mom agrees with me and even mentioned does he fancy her thing but even she thought that idea was far fetched as shes so far from his type its unreal.

OP posts:

hairfullofsnakes · 02/09/2011 12:41

Your husband needs to grow the fuck up and put his family first! Spending so much time away from you and the kids is out of order and she needs to be a bit more sensitive to the fact that he has a family.

Tell him!

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:42

I feel like I just dont know what to do anymore sometimes I just want him to leave so I dont have to keep hearing myself have this row with him again.
Other times I think Im being harsh and cruel and should just let him do what he wants .
I know im not in the wrong though and if this carrys on then were over .

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/09/2011 12:45

Well at 28 he's a responsible adult and if he continues with this, as I said above he is hugely missing out on a good relationship with you and your children. He's totally unreasonable, and yes, show him this thread, it is after all unaminous.

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 12:47

What was he like before he met her?

Has his behaviour changed considerably since her arrival on the scene?

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:47

Thankyou Lady I will be showing him this later no doubt that will cause an argument but I told him last night he better change or he's out the door I dont think he believes me but Im serious .

OP posts:

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 12:48

I'm 29 and my DH is 36. My best friend is 30 this month and is single, still lives at home and goes to gigs and sleeps over at mates house. I think 24 is young to understand about having a family. I would talk to her about family and try to compare your family - you, DH and kids to her family - her mum and dad. Ask her did her dad have female friends over all the time or was he at home more with her mum.

It might bring home to her what she is intruding on?

I dont believe people have a type you either like someone or you dont. I would not let that cloud your judgment if he has a crush or not.

Your DH does need to grow up but only he can do that.

Does he get off on making you fight for his attention? Is it an ego boost to him that he has two women fighting for his time?

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:49

Carmin no his behaviour hasnt changed hes always been a bit young in the head tbh and the only thing thats changed is him going out more and her being here .
Before she arrived on the scene we had less rows though and he works for a big company now and there is a big social scene there. I think he thinks hes missing out if he dont go to this or that but honestly we havent been the same since he started working there two years ago .

OP posts:

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 12:52

Cheap I dont think there is any attraction there at all if I did we probably would of split up a while ago but like I say nothings 100% I have said it too him and he thought it was hilarious and said no way in the world did he like her in that way.
Maybe he does get off on it and likes having attention and maybe it is an ego boost to him I honestly dont know and he wouldnt admit that anyway would he.

OP posts:

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 13:01

ok - y'know the same thing happened to my dh ( at around the same age too ) he started a new job ( very large company ) and got swept along with the very lively social life. There was always someone going for a drink after work and he felt obliged to go sometimes. It was only ever a 'drink' culture and nothing involving women, & he never brought anyone home or anything like that - but it was a difficult time. I think people under-estimate the power a new work environment can have on some people.

porcamiseria · 02/09/2011 13:03

this is taking the piss, as others say he is spending more tme wth her than you and his family. YANBU

how you tackle this...god knows

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 13:25

You need to talk to him but make it about you and him not him and her.

tell him you want to spend more time with him. That you feel you are drifting apart and you are worried for your family. That you have lost track of your relationship and need to spend more time together to work on your relationship. Tell him you like him having friends and a social life but you also want some more alone time with him and as a family with the kids. Tell him you miss him when he is not there and so do the kids. That he is part of your family and he needs to be there more often than he is right now.

His foucs needs to be you and your family not his friends. If he does go out drinking with her tag along and he can only go if you both go, same for any outting - go together and show a united front.

If he still spends more time with her than you ask him to leave to think about what is more important to him.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 13:32

Thankyou for all your advice I have taken it all in and using it later to talk to him just hopefully he will not be bringing her along after work or the shit will hit the fan.

OP posts:

LadyBeagleEyes · 02/09/2011 13:55

If he does OP, walk out and tell him he's looking after the kids tonight.
Then go round to one of your mates houses.

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 14:03

Ummmm to add to what LadyBeagleEyes said how about looking at her and saying to him "Great you brought a babysitter round for us - lets go out then "

MajorB · 02/09/2011 14:20

I think the way you need to explain it to your DH is that you understand she is his friend, but she is not a friend to your marriage.

A true friend is supportive of their mate's relationships, they do not undermine them as she does.

Sit your husband down, ask him what is more important, his relationship with this woman, or your marriage, and point out the above to him.

Then speak to the woman and say as she's grown so close to you as a family, and she clearly has lots of free time on her hands could she babysit for you for free so you and your husband can spend more quality time together?

Yes, you'll come across as a bit of a freeloader, but then after that anytime she comes over you can say "X how wonderful to see you, so glad you're here, it means DH and I can go to the gym/pub/our friend's house together, put the kids to bed for us, there's a dear, and we'll be back no later than midnight" - I guarantee her visits will start dropping off after that, and if not, free babysitting!!

MajorB · 02/09/2011 14:21

Cross posts, cheaptrick - great minds and all that!

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 14:39

or that should be

Its not free loading its giving her something to do. In fact i love the idea of you and your DH going out and getting her to babysit for free 3 nights aweek

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 14:44

Yes great Idea!:)

OP posts:

Inertia · 02/09/2011 15:07

Sweetness, your problem is that your husband is taking the piss and completely shirking his responsibilites to his family.

I like CheapTricks's idea - only issue is that I can see your DH giving you a line about you going out while he stays in with her. I think you need to be completely clear in your own mind about what you think is an acceptable amount of time for your DH to be out with his friends / have visitors, then discuss it with him. If he does nothing to change things, speak directly to her and tell her how much she is intruding on your family life.

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 15:12

I wouldn't say anything about baby sitting tbh ( too childish and very rude ) - plus she sounds the type who doesn't need much encouragement, baby sitting is yet another way for her to spend time at your house and you want rid of her don't you? - if your dh continues to have her around I'd talk to her privately - tell her how you feel - chances are she isn't aware that she's taking the piss and annoying you -

If she doesn't do anything and it carries on - I'd leave them to it and change the locks.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 15:19

Thanks carmin I am going to say something it will come out to her because I dont think she has a clue how much she is getting on my tits!

I considered changing the locks at last weekends sheningans but it was too late at night . Ive told his mom too if he doesnt sort himself out sharpish to expect him back at hers cause I sure as hell dont think said girl will put him up when his marriage is over!

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 02/09/2011 15:22

I would tackle it completely differently. I don't think laying the law down works.

Can you expalin totally clamly how upset you feel and why? Can you ask him why this friendship is so important to him? Ask him what is missing about being at home, or just being with you?

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