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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my husband to spemd time with me not his lesbian BFF

99 replies

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 10:18

Ok here goes I may get some stick for this Im not sure but I want to know how other women in my shoes would feel.
My hubby has been friends with her since he started his job two years ago I like her she is a nice person . She's one of the lads so to speak in the way she acts and dresses etc.
Lately she comes around a lot we only moved house six weeks ago and shes slept over twice in that time. Shes comes around two maybe three times a week sometimes after work. It gets me down my hubby is closer to her than he is to me and maybe shallow if she were a man it wouldnt bother me as much but being a woman it makes it harder for me.
He goes out up town with her for a drink and last sunday instead of spending it with me and the kids he spent it drinking with their mates in her flat all day and night.
I was so angry I wanted to kick him out there and then. He says shes a mate and Im paranoid and jealous (which yes maybe I am) he sends her texts messages at night and they talk about random stuff like music or football.
Its her birthday next week and shes invited us both round hers to celebrate i dont want to go he does.
When I go to bed some nights and shes round I can hear them watching stuff together on TV laughing and joking and I think he should be with me not her!

I dont mind him having her as a friend but I think its too much. They work together and she said she will drop him home from work tomorrow on her way home but this is when she usually parks herself there and dont go home. Ive point blank told him if she comes in saturday night im walking out and leaving them too out and might not come home all night.
We've got two children together and other than this he is a good father but not such a great husband lately .
Any advice is this me being ureasonable?

OP posts:

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 15:24

Exactly - I don't think she has a clue either - it's your dh who needs the good talking to, and if he doesn't respect your very valid feelings then you talk to her ( in private ) - she'll probably be embarrassed and very apologetic.

Keep us updated x

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 15:36

Maybe it doesnt work but Ive tried being nice about it but that doesnt work either.

Will do x

OP posts:

DoMeDon · 02/09/2011 15:43

I must've missed the part where you were being nice about it. Seemed like you said you tried to tolerate it, then told him it had to stop.

If you push it he will stop and resent you or carry on and you'll argue. Why not try an adult approach - accept he has the right to behave how he likes, try to understand it and decide if you can live with it. Ultimatums, threats, etc do not work in the long term. They breed resentment.

prettyfly1 · 02/09/2011 15:50

But domedon what is she meant to do? Its all very well telling her to accept it or not but if not, what - she leaves with two kids? Not really a solution frankly.

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 15:57

He does not have the right to behave how he likes - he has a wife and children and needs to think about them and the consequences of his actions - this isn't just a case of him going out a bit too much - he's bringing another person into the marriage ( literally ) and he's hurting people.

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 15:57

I agree with prettyfly1 - its not worth leaving over.

She has asked him to spent less time not to stop being her friend. That is reasonable. He has ignored her and put her down for asking. His behavour is not acceptable for a married man. I would not put up with it and many others would not as well.

She needs him to know how much it is up setting her and to solve the situation as a couple.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 15:59

Thankyou for sticking up for me . I cant just put up with it why am I on here asking for advice its because I cant put up with it.
I will give an ulitimatium if thts what it takes because Im his wife Ive been with him since a teenager and I wont put up with him or her putting their friendship before my marriage and children!

OP posts:

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 16:00

Domedon - would you like to share your home and husband with another woman regardless of sexual orintation?

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 16:02

For the record I dont mind them being friends but seeing a lot less of each other than they do now and her inviting herself over whenever she wants. There has to be boundries even in friendships!

OP posts:

Cheaptrick · 02/09/2011 16:03

If she is only a friend then he can spend less time with her and more time with his family - end of.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 16:05

^ LIKE

OP posts:

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 16:05

Sweetness you are doing nothing wrong - you've had this ridiculous situation forced upon you and it's not fair.

Stay strong and tell him he's out of order.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 16:09

Thankyou carmin it helps to know others agree with me and im in the right not to put up with this.

OP posts:

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 16:14

I have to go for a few hours but I'll check back in around 10pm to see how you are -

Original poster

sweetness86 · 02/09/2011 20:16

Ok so my chance came sooner rather than later. I had arranged to pick him up from work and when I got there I had a text message off her asking if she should come around tonight.
I text her back and said no you can't come round its getting too much and I'm not spending anytime with my husband because of it. I just put I hope you understand but we've got plans most of the weekend.
I was polite but straight to the point with her. She did message back saying she understood and would see me on her birthday in a week.
I know hubby thought I was a bit harsh but he did say he had already told her no at work. He did say he agreed with me though which helped . I hope maybe now she has got the message she can't come here three nights awake I made it loud and clear.

OP posts:

Oakmaiden · 02/09/2011 20:19

Hope this is a corner turned for you. :)

chipmonkey · 02/09/2011 20:30

To be perfectly honest, if my own best friend decided to come over to my house three times a week, I would think it was too much! Very intrusive! My sister had a similar situation with a friend of hers, sleeping over and not letting my sister's dd watch TV in the morning as it disturbed her lie-in! My sister found that she just had to be firm with her friend and learn to say no. Some people don't take hints.

pigletmania · 02/09/2011 21:15

I would go to the birthday, it would create really bad feeling, but you have to be tough with your dh, this is not acceptable. It is encroaching on your family life and affecting your relationship with your dh, yanbu at all.

carminagoesprimal · 02/09/2011 21:29

Hi sweetness, glad there's been some progress.

I agree with chipmonkey and pigletmania - keep her at a distance.

And don't forget, this is your home we're talking about - it's not a hotel for his work mates to crash out in because they haven't got anywhere else to go - you also decide who comes and goes, not just him.

Original poster

sweetness86 · 03/09/2011 06:46

I will go to the birthday but for now it looks like I'm free of her for this week at least I did show my hubbys this thread he was not happy but said if that many women agree with you I must be in the wrong. I'm glad he read it shows how his behaviour is not on at all and we had a nice quiet night talking and watching films in bed. Hope this lasts x

OP posts:

NestaFiesta · 03/09/2011 10:18

Sweetness, sounds like you're getting back on track and I think you've handled this well. However, an alarm bell went off in your last but one post.

She sent you a text asking if she could come over AFTER your DH had already said no to her. This is dodgy territory- one says no so she asks the other. She obviously doesn't respect anyone's wishes and it smacks of playing one of you off against the other.

Some distance and perspective and lots more film watching in bed with your DH is required. (for you not her!)

FabbyChic · 03/09/2011 10:34

Your husband has not grown up, he still believes he is entitled to a seperate life from you one where he sees his friends on a regular basis, it matters not the sexuality of the person or the gender, he is taking the piss and needs to grow up and spend more time with his family.

pixielicious · 03/09/2011 11:59

ARGH this thread has made me cross. Feel so sorry for you OP :( Of course YANBU, your husband's behaviour is seriously immature. There are so many factors I'm not sure where to start! I think having a friend over all the time, "crashing" on your sofa etc, is the sort of thing students or older teenagers often do, but is not at all appropriate once you're married and have a family. You all (but especially the children) need a bit of routine and structure, and not be having to constantly accommodate someone coming over with no prior warning. It sounds like she has not respect for your home or family life. I agree with what Binsfull said right at the beginning of the thread: if he wants to have her over, it should be planned, and you should have advance notice, as you would expect to have with ANY guests in your home. Same goes for going out with her: there's nothing wrong with having the odd day off with your friends, but as a father and husband, spending a Sunday away drinking without any notice is just not on. Do you ever get a chance to go out with your mates OP? Does he sometimes give you weekend days to go and do stuff you like whilst he babysits?
Essentially, this sounds to me like a man who has not quite got used to his role as a husband and father, and needs a reminder that his family comes first, not his mates!! I would be fuming to in your position OP, apart from anything else, it is really hurtful to have your DH seem to put someone else ahead of you, and it can grate all the more when she's female even if you KNOW that there's nothing going on, like here. It's just human nature to be jealous of a husband giving another woman all his attention. Tell him to grow up from me!
Also, just saw your last post, well done for having a word, and keep up the good work!! :)

BumbleJane58 · 20/09/2025 20:58

My husband has a lesbian couple that are very very close friends with him for about the last year. He texts or chats on the phone with them every day sometimes more than once a day and it’s getting me down. He has scrapped plans with me on numerous occasions to do stuff for them instead. One of them in particular I don’t think likes me much, I think she feels I’m in the way of her getting even closer to him than she is, I told him I didn’t think she liked me and he then apparently asked her to which her reply was “well you’re my friend not her so you are my priority” so I feel he’s been very disloyal repeating our chat but also said to him well that response confirms what I thought then. He’s always spending time with them then the other Saturday I took my elderly mum out in the afternoon and got back at 5pm, he was out and he ended up spending time with the other half of the lesbian couple and spent the whole Saturday evening at her flat rather than with me. For the record both of these women have been in relationships with males in the past even though they are together now. I’m getting to the point of giving up on my marriage now they are involved

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