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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have exh and exfil for christmas this year?

81 replies

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 09:36

since my h and i broke up we have had 2 Christmases, for the children and for my ex and fil i continued to have them up here for christmas day. to open the pressies and dinner etc. it was a bit awkward and it meant the kids had to wait in the morning to open their pressies till their dad got here, (he lives with fil). i didnt like to think of them down at his fil on christmas day missing all the fun, watching the queens speech eating a dry turkey.
i realised last christmas that it was actually something i was dreading, i didnt want them there and it was spoiling my enjoyment of the day. this year i have a new man and am pregnant and i know the kids will want their dad up again for the day, he has all ready asked me what the plan is.
aibu to say not this year i want my first christmas with new guy to be just us, but you can take the kids on boxing day or is that pretty selfish? new bf has already expressed a wish for him not to be there on the day. what do you all think?

OP posts:

Mitmoo · 31/08/2011 09:39

You're divorced for goodness sakes, alternate Christmas. If he is close let kids see im AM and you PM if that's logistically possible.

cricketballs · 31/08/2011 09:40

what would your reaction be though if exh asked for christmas day and for you to have boxing day?

pictish · 31/08/2011 09:41

What Mitmoo said.
Alternate christmases - the only and fairest way to go.

RedHelenB · 31/08/2011 09:42

It would be nice if your new bf could join in the celebrations so the kids aren't separated from their new sibling on Christmas day but if not then you will have to alternate.

Annpan88 · 31/08/2011 09:44

I'd personally go for what made the kids happiest but you are pregnant so the least stressful option

Mitmoo · 31/08/2011 09:47

RedHelen what would be nice about having your exhusband and ex father in law over for Christmas the OP dreaded it last year. Once you are divorced it is nice if you can get on but when it gets difficult there is no need to continue. It sounds like time for change has come now.

Let the EH and FIL go out to dinner if they can't cook up a decent meal between them.

JanMorrow · 31/08/2011 09:49

If the ex isn't that far from you, have the kids with you in the morning (stockings/your presents etc) and then they can go to their Dad's after lunch for presents from him there and tea etc, maybe stay the night with him and come back to you on boxing day?

It's no longer suitable for him to come to you so let that one go!

MorelliOrRanger · 31/08/2011 09:53

What Mitmoo said..

You don't have to spend christmas with your ex. But I'd sort out that your children do get to see him over that time.

mayorquimby · 31/08/2011 10:16

no not bad, but how will you react next year when he will quite legitimately point out that it is his year to have the kids?

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 10:37

i would prob never let him have the kids actually on christmas day, he knows this, mostly because his dad and himself would not be able to put together a good christmas for the kids, well not to my standard any way.
thats why i agreed to him coming up in the first place, but now am thinking he can do a lesser thing the next day when we will have the bf's kids prob. the kids get a two for a price of one deal and i dont have to see him.

OP posts:

biddysmama · 31/08/2011 10:38

when i was little and my mum and dad divorced i used to go to my mums boxing day-new years day every year ( i stayed with my dad) my friends ex husband has their childrn on christmas day and then father christmas visits them again when they go home and they have christmas all over again, the day doesnt matter, children dont know the difference

Secrecy · 31/08/2011 10:40

The bit of your post that answers your question is ex!!!

BumptiousandBustly · 31/08/2011 10:40

I'm sorry but he doesn't have to do a christmas "to your standards" Either you have him and his father or they get alternate christmas's with the kids. They are his kids too!

You can't say - I have a new man, a new baby on the way, I want the perfect christmas, and am just going to shut the father out.

In fact as you are the one changing the plans, I think you have to say - I can't do you and your father for christmas so why don't you have the kids on christmas day and we will have have them next year? You can always do something on boxing day!

cricketballs · 31/08/2011 10:42

but what would the kids want? This sounds more like what you want rather than what your dc want

lubeybooby · 31/08/2011 10:44

You can't insist on 'your standard' of christmas, they are adults and you just have to let them get on with it. Alternate christmases is the fairest thing. It's what me and my ex have always done with our DD and she always has a wonderful time. Yes I miss her when it's his turn but why should only I get all the nice times?

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 10:56

you are right they are his kids too, but my fil is in his 80's my ex will not be allowed to help with any of the food/will not want to. it wont be the type of christmas the kids are use to or tbh will want. because of his age when they are at their dads they have to stay in their room till 10 and i just generally feel it would not be a great thing for them.
their dad was never really big on christmas (nor is fil, he doesnt get a tree etc) and i was the one that made all the effort. i havent changed any plans so to speak he has just assumed he is coming this year as in the last couple of years and i have decided i dont really want him to.
i think i may have shot my self in the foot by letting them come up in the first place and should have more strict about it in the first place, i just wanted to do what i thought was best but i think a clean break may have been better with hind sight.

OP posts:

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 10:58

really so do you all do alternate Christmases, birthdays etc? never even crossed my mind.......

OP posts:

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 11:01

think you are right in away about that and about what the kids want etc and i will ask them, i also know my ex well though and would be heart broken for them if they had a rubbish christmas because he didnt make the effort.

OP posts:

pippilongsmurfing · 31/08/2011 11:01

I would generally go along with what the kids want, but as you have new DP, I would say half the day with you, half with exH.

Depends on what your kids want really though. It's not fair on them to exclude their dad from xmas altogether just because you have a new boyfriend who doesn't want your xH there!

eurochick · 31/08/2011 11:22

Alternate Christmases is the norm among my divorced friends.

LydiaWickham · 31/08/2011 11:32

everyone I know who is divorced does alternate Christmasses. So it won't be 'as good' as at home, well then you have to make boxing day amazing!

Do Christmas eve and Christmas morning & lunch at one house, Christmas tea/night and boxing day at the other - ask your Ex if he wants Christmas or Boxing day this year, you get the other next year. Point out it'll be your first Christmas with their new sibling so might be better for you to have them this year and him next, but be flexible on it. If they go to him and it's a total disaster, reassess for the future.

He is as much their parent as you. How he does christmas in his home with his children is up to him.

cestlavielife · 31/08/2011 11:38

no dont ahve ex in your house. that is fine.

but so what if they get a quiet and boring xmas day with their dad?when they bit older they can maybe push him to do more stuff decorations whatever. it is between him and them.
what you do with them is between you and DC.

they can make up for it with you on boxing day.
it doesnt matter.

i think you should offer for kids to go to him on xmas day and you have them back for boxing day.

AfternoonDelight · 31/08/2011 12:11

i can't believe how selfish you are tbh. you will not alternate x-mas because you want the dc every year and because he will not do x-mas the same?

Either invite him round, split the day or alternate. To be perfectly honest if you cut him out this year and he goes to court for visitation you will probably be forced to alternate anyway.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 12:20

do you know, i'm kind of shocked i never thought about it. i suppose because since we split i have had him here i havent had to. just asked my bf about it he said he will prob never have his children on christmas day.
i guess in some splits its quite common for the children to stay with the RP on christmas day and NP on boxing day. or maybe it was more common when i was younger

OP posts:

zukiecat · 31/08/2011 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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