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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not have exh and exfil for christmas this year?

81 replies

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 09:36

since my h and i broke up we have had 2 Christmases, for the children and for my ex and fil i continued to have them up here for christmas day. to open the pressies and dinner etc. it was a bit awkward and it meant the kids had to wait in the morning to open their pressies till their dad got here, (he lives with fil). i didnt like to think of them down at his fil on christmas day missing all the fun, watching the queens speech eating a dry turkey.
i realised last christmas that it was actually something i was dreading, i didnt want them there and it was spoiling my enjoyment of the day. this year i have a new man and am pregnant and i know the kids will want their dad up again for the day, he has all ready asked me what the plan is.
aibu to say not this year i want my first christmas with new guy to be just us, but you can take the kids on boxing day or is that pretty selfish? new bf has already expressed a wish for him not to be there on the day. what do you all think?

OP posts:

troisgarcons · 31/08/2011 12:24

Just because you are divorced it doesnt mean you cant be friends. Christmas really is for children therefore if they wish there father to be there (and you aren't going to be throwing bread knives at each other) then it's their wishes that count.

I too find it astonishing that you don't alternate Christmas with the childrens father. No wonder so many men feel excluded from their childrens lives.

zukiecat · 31/08/2011 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VelvetSnow · 31/08/2011 12:47

Have you considered asking your ExH what he would like?

It's not unreasonable to tell ExH you won't be hosting their Christmas but I'd expect you to ask him what his plans are likely to be?

He may not want to cook dinner for the dc, he may want to just visit them and then him and FIL go home?

Until you ask, you'll never know.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 12:49

i tried to be friends with him and it ended with drunken midnight phone calls and inappropriate texts and facebook messages, culminating in a massive "i am going to kill myself" on facebook.
i decided that i distance was needed and now we talk children and nothing else i dont want or need him in my life beyond that really, its best for us all.

OP posts:

meravigliosa · 31/08/2011 12:52

I and exh alternate the main parts of Christmas day but both see children on Christmas day. Ie if they are opening presents at mine he comes round and vice versa, but we alternate who gives them Christmas meal and where they are staying. I quite often invite exh for a meal with children -- eg at New Year last year.

Agree with afternoondelight. You really have to consider alternating years, sharing the day or having him round. Otherwise (leaving aside situations where there is a real reason not to have contact) it is not fair on dcs or exh.

Btw I also have remarried and am expecting a baby. What I want to try to do is maintain a situation where everybody sees as much of each other as they possibly can. Do not think the right way to achieve this would be to say all children to be with me on every special occasion. Certainly not if exh not invited!

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 12:52

i already know what he wants velvet, he wants to come and spend the day with us as he has done the last couple of years hence the op.
i dont know what he would prefer if that doesnt happen because as of yet i havent decided/told him that might not be a possibility.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 31/08/2011 12:53

The first 2 xmases after I separated my ex and I spent xmas morning together. It didn't really work as it meant travelling, waiting to open presents and my current partner spent xmas morning alone. Now we alternate xmas, one of us has the kids xmas week and the other new year week. Swapping over boxing day didn't work as it meant we couldn't visit grandparents who live in different bits of the UK or go away with the kids skiing etc.
I think when you divorce you have to accept that you won't see your kids every xmas day.
My ex and his family are perfectly capable of giving my kids a good xmas though so I could never kid myself that me wanting the kids every xmas would be anything other than selfishness.

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 12:56

maybe i am being unfair to him and that given the opportunity and a reason to he would pull it out of the bag christmas wise.

OP posts:

cjbartlett · 31/08/2011 12:57

really so do you all do alternate Christmases, birthdays etc? never even crossed my mind.......

that's really odd
It's one of the things most consider before separating. What will happen on special occasions
Maybe your dp could spend one with you while your ex has kids and the next with his kids
It doesn't have to be all day if you live close

cjbartlett · 31/08/2011 12:59

Also you can have Xmas day another day iyswim
My kids have had Xmas first weekend of December at inlaws many times!

VelvetSnow · 31/08/2011 13:00

spooks I read your OP and understood that he wanted to come along.

My suggestion was tell him you're not hosting and ask him what he wants to do....

Original poster

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 13:08

lol fair play velvet.

OP posts:

Vibrant · 31/08/2011 13:41

We share time with dd on Christmas Day and Boxing Day. But I must say that as I'm the one providing for her, doing all the running around to activities, school runs, helping with homework, I do feel that on special occasions like Christmas Eve into Christmas Day, Easter Sunday, when she wakes on her birthday I'd like her with me. If he were doing his fair share and paying, well - anything, then I think I'd feel differently.

mayorquimby · 31/08/2011 14:02

"i would prob never let him have the kids actually on christmas day, he knows this, mostly because his dad and himself would not be able to put together a good christmas for the kids, well not to my standard any way.
thats why i agreed to him coming up in the first place, but now am thinking he can do a lesser thing the next day when we will have the bf's kids prob. the kids get a two for a price of one deal and i dont have to see him."

Can anyone honestly read that and think, "wow what a reasonable person the op is."?

CurrySpice · 31/08/2011 14:07

I was just coming on to say that you sound VU to say you will never allow him to have his kids on CD

I've been separated over 4 years and still have the ex over on CD. But TBH I don't dread it and we all get along and everyone's happy with it so it works for us.

I would hate not to have the DC on CD but I would have to accept it if that was what it took :(

RedHelenB · 31/08/2011 14:11

Mitmoo, I said nice for her children if you read the post. The alternative is for the children not to be with their new baby sister/brother next year.

changeforthebetter · 31/08/2011 14:12

One of us gets the kids Christmas Eve and then does the handover on Christmas Day so the other gets the afternoon and Christmas Night. That way they see both parents on the day.

Really, y
Your DCs will not give a monkeys about the "standard of Christmas" (WTF that is anyway?!) but they will care about not seeing their Dad - whom presumably, they love. So what if the meal is a bit pants. It's not the important bit for kids anyway.

girlywhirly · 31/08/2011 14:14

Well, I would agree that it is usual to alternate Christmas between divorced parents. However, I can see that there are some difficulties with the DC going to exH and FILS.

OK, it won't be up to your standard, but I think that exH could make the effort to decorate and make it nice for his DC. Why can't he take over the cooking and stuff from FIL, pay for the food and decs if cost is an issue. I'm amazed that a man in his 80's is allowed to cook with no help. I also think that having the DC there all day will be very tiring for him, so part of the day might be best.

You do need to make it clear that you won't be hosting exH and FIL, to give them time to plan what they are going to do. If FIL thinks he won't see the grandkids because of not making his home welcoming and Christmassy, he might do something about it or at least facilitate exH efforts.

Vibrant · 31/08/2011 14:19

Yes, I do think that you need to concentrate on making your Christmas just how you want it, and leave him to do it the way he wants to. The children don't have to have one or the other, you can find a way of them spending time with both of you if you are close.

MorallyBankrupt · 31/08/2011 14:19

I thonk as their father he deserves to spend Christmas with them too. If you don't want him at your house you need to except alternate years.

Children are not possessions. I don't see why OP feels she has the right to decide what type of Christmas, is or isn't, good enough.

MorallyBankrupt · 31/08/2011 14:22

Oh and the way I read it the baby won't even have been born yet! OP said she wasn't even with the new guy last Christmas so to have given birth to his baby by December would be pretty fast work IMO. It sounds like she has jus found out to me.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 31/08/2011 14:30

Your DCs will need and want to see their dad over Christmas so you need to work out some compromise.
He's never had to organise Christmas before, has he? If he knows you're doing it at your house and he won't be having the DCs at his. If there's a different arrangement this year and he has them for at least part of the time, he might make an effort for their sake.

mayorquimby · 31/08/2011 14:36

"Your DCs will need and want to see their dad over Christmas so you need to work out some compromise. "

But....But....But... It won't be to her standards.
She won't allow it because she couldn't possibly not see her kids on christmas day and to suggest this as even a possibility is too horrendous a thing to contemplate. I mean really what kind of monster would suggest someone else has the right to deny her having her kids on christmas day.

Groovee · 31/08/2011 14:38

The court order for a family member was that his son was to be collected at 3pm from his gran's house on christmas day and returned at 3pm on Boxing Day. My brother was never allowed to have his eldest on christmas day and he hated that. You need to compromise and remember they have a dad who they will want to see. It's not about YOUR needs but your childrens needs.

EricNorthmansMistressOfPotions · 31/08/2011 16:35

Well.....
I know the OP personally and I know her exH and know of her exFil. She loves christmas and goes all out to make it lovely for the DCs. House beautifully decorated, lovely dinner, lots of magic and special things. If they went to the X's for christmas it would be a very different and not very fun affair. I don't think she's being selfish by preferring them to stay with her, as the DCs will have more fun and more of a special, memorable christmas at hers.

I would let him come up for a few hours in the morning, do presents and stuff with them there but expect them to leave before lunch. Doesn't the pub do Chriistmas dinner?

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