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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not have exh and exfil for christmas this year?

81 replies

spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 09:36

since my h and i broke up we have had 2 Christmases, for the children and for my ex and fil i continued to have them up here for christmas day. to open the pressies and dinner etc. it was a bit awkward and it meant the kids had to wait in the morning to open their pressies till their dad got here, (he lives with fil). i didnt like to think of them down at his fil on christmas day missing all the fun, watching the queens speech eating a dry turkey.
i realised last christmas that it was actually something i was dreading, i didnt want them there and it was spoiling my enjoyment of the day. this year i have a new man and am pregnant and i know the kids will want their dad up again for the day, he has all ready asked me what the plan is.
aibu to say not this year i want my first christmas with new guy to be just us, but you can take the kids on boxing day or is that pretty selfish? new bf has already expressed a wish for him not to be there on the day. what do you all think?

OP posts:
halohasslipped · 31/08/2011 17:00

In the spirit of christmas i reckon ask them for a drink in the morning and suggest they eat out somewhere nice. If that works, perhaps your DCs could join them at the eating out bit on alternate years.

Just say the day needs to be addressed as you would like to do mornings only with the ex etc not the whole shebang. That way the children still feel part of something special.

FWIW, my mother had my father and his new wife genuine bitch around for the first christmas after the divorce and it actually worked. We all had lunch then went over to a mutual friend's party where it was all gossiped over very drunkenly in the pantry etc.. It made it fun (but we were teenagers). They then moved overseas to spend all his money for his health so it hasn't come up again.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 17:08

hahaha i can see a lot of people getting caught up on the word standard, by that i simply mean that i want the children to have the best christmas possible as i think its important. thanks for the big up there eric, nope it shuts at 4 Grin
and for the record i did know my bf last christmas otherwise that would be incredibly fast work.
so i will have a chat with him and see what arrangement we can come to.

OP posts:
SouthernFriedTofu · 31/08/2011 17:19

I think either the kids take alternate holidays or your new boyfriend grows up. Xmas is about the children and I think your kids will want to spend it with their new sibling and their mum and dad.

You are being incredibly mean to say ex doesn't get the children on xmas ever Angry

Original poster
spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 17:22

sorry my new bf needs to grow up? hats it got to do with him?

OP posts:
Original poster
spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 17:22

whats

OP posts:
diddl · 31/08/2011 17:27

How about that their best Christmas might be spending it with their Dad & GF?

If you´re worried about food, do it Boxing Day-let your ex set his own Christmas tradition-such as a buffet or something.

SouthernFriedTofu · 31/08/2011 17:32

new bf has already expressed a wish for him not to be there on the day

Thats from your OP, it isn't about his wishes. You say you want chrsitmas to be all perfect for the children (and thats lovely and all) but it isn't what christmas is about. The children want to see both their parents. But if you are not going to invite your ex (which I understand) you need to let him have alternate years.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 18:07

yep expressed as in said it would be nicer but it was my call. i personally dont really see the problem with the kids seeing their dad on boxing day have asked my daughter what she would prefer and she said she would prefer to stay up here but doesnt want to hurt her dads feelings.
so when we talk about it i guess we will have to make sure that she knows that who ever she goes to for christmas day the other wont feel bad.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 31/08/2011 18:48

"i personally dont really see the problem with the kids seeing their dad on boxing day "

That's cool then.
And if he doesn't see the problem with you only seeing them on boxing day I presume you'll accept that aswell.
Incredibly selfish, incredibly unreasonable based on what you've posted in this thread.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 18:56

you are obviously taking this very personally mayor.

OP posts:
mayorquimby · 31/08/2011 18:58

not at all.
Why would I take strangers familial relationship (which could be fictional for all I know, and if true is merely an anonymous post under a username on a forum) be personal to me?
You asked "aibu" and my response to that is that you are being incredibly self-centred, selfish and unreasonable.

Mitmoo · 31/08/2011 19:11

On the standards issue: I can't remember as a child and I'm sure most children don't have memories of Christmas being great because the turkey was just so juicy and the sprouts cooked to perfection.

OP a standard court order goes children spend every other weekend with absent parent, one night in the week and special occasions alternated. Shared care arrangements are getting more common, so be careful with the "ownership" issue. If you used the language in a court room that you've used here, you'd be flamed by the judge big time.

I've stopped contact before with very good reason so am not a father's rights activist but you have to be fair.

Back to Xmas, I remember sneaking downstairs battling with my conscience as to whether to open a little slit into presents to get a preview. I remember Mum and Dad being piddle poor, but Dad dressing up as Santa and having a pillow case full of the equivalent now of lots of Poundland toys, don't know what they'd be back then. I remember visiting close family in hospital on Christmas Day as they were too ill to come home, having singsongs up the ward and the surgeon wheeling in the turkey on a hospital trolley to carve it in front of the patients and their families. Even though they were sad times, there were brilliant memories.I totally loved it. I can't remember a dinner other than being an inconvenience into my play time.

Your perspective doesn't matter on his standards, your children's perspective does, don't lose sight of that.

LadyBeagleEyes · 31/08/2011 19:12

I've had Christmas alone with my ds ever since we separated when he was about 9 or 10.
I love Christmas and always put in the hard work to make it magical for him.
My ex was never that bothered and actually never even suggested that he'd have ds.
He knew he would have a lovely one with me, and all the traditons he always had.
It's just one day and whatever makes the kids happy is the way to go.
My son sees him at other times and does all the outdoor, sporty things which he loves and I don't do.
Ds is 16 now but if I suggested he have Christmas with his dad I think he'd be rather reluctant.
Good for you OP for including your dh and fil the last two years (I'd never have done it) and if they're prepared to do a proper Christmas then you should think of alternative years.
But if they have to stay in their beds till 10am and no tree as you described it's not going to be a lot of fun for them.

Mitmoo · 31/08/2011 19:21

spook I don't think mayoris taking this personally but giving their perspective. I have been flamed on other boards because I've stopped my ex seeing his child full stop never mind on Christmas Day with good reason.

You haven't mentioned any good reason and "dry turkey" is the worst you have come up with so just doesn't cut it.

If the children love you equally and he is not a danger to the children (I'm sure you would have said so already) then you are equal parents and you should put the children first.

Your child saying she doesn't want to hurt her Dad, could just as easily being her saying that to you, because she doesn't want to hurt you. Don't put the children as decision makers that's wrong.

You and her Dad decide what is going to happen then you both present the child with that decision and tell the child that parents are both happy with it.

If anything you asking the daughter where she wants to be on Christmas Day, being the mother, stinks of you manipulating her. Don't do it, it's not fair on your child.

You and the ex decide then present that as a united front to the children.

Manipulating your children into saying what they think you want to hear is bad parenting. Stop doing it.

Mitmoo · 31/08/2011 19:25

Lady If he has never had the kids on Christmas Day, who knows how the father would be. It's hardly a day that follow routines.

He could book hotels for the food, get neighbours to cook up extra (I cook for single elderly neighbours along with my own dinner) I draw the line at inviting them to my family Christmas Days but I do plate up extra for those on their own. Kids hardly let you have a 10 am lie in on Christmas Day even if you want one.

Id imagine a father normal one anyway who hasn't had the pleasure of seeing their children wake up on Christmas Day for two years and all of the excitement that brings would actually want to turn over for another few hours kip in.

OneOfTheBoys · 31/08/2011 19:29

Now that there is a new partner on the scene and a new baby, it might be rather awkward and indeed odd to all sit down together at CHristmas, especially as it sounds as if it's not that big a deal to the ExH and FIL , but it is to the OP and the children. And I would be a bit hurt too that as the one that goes to all the fuss and bother for the dcs to then miss out on the day with them. Otoh, handing over some of the responsibility of the day to exH might mean he has to make an effort!

As a half way house, can the dcs go and spend Christmas afternoon at exH's for a few hours and give you and new chap a chance to put your feet up?

hairylights · 31/08/2011 19:35

Let him have the kids for Xmas this year. Unfortunately you don't get to have the kids every year and play happy families just because you have a new partner. Alternate xmasses is the way forward.

Original poster
spookshowangel · 31/08/2011 19:51

a bit of dry turkey is not the only reason i have given for not wishing the kids to go to his for christmas, and others on here said what did the kids want so i asked, no manipulation just straight forward if dad was unable to spend christmas day up here what would you like to do.
i do christmas, we play games and i take them out we have traditions in place, so no its not about the food its about the environment. the kids regularly dont want to go to their dads as it is (they go every weekend), they say it is boring, i have spoken to him about it but there isnt much i can do about it, and i fear christmas would be no different.
he never got involved, he never shopped, he never put up the decorations or wrapped the presents. he still doesnt they are lucky if they get something from him. like i said it maybe unfair and perhaps given the chance he may rise to the occasion and like i said i will talk to him about it. see where he stands on it. got a bit of a flaming here which has been ok because i hadnt really thought it through but not sure its overly changed my opinion.

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 31/08/2011 20:14

If you ask you are not going to get an honest answer because if they don't want to hurt the exes feelings they won't want to hurt yours either. Of course they'll tell you what they want to hear.

Work out between the adults what is going to happen and present it to the children as a united front.

You may not see it as manipulation but you still need to do the right thing by your children.

ChitChattingaway · 31/08/2011 20:33

Going to go against the flow a bit, but if your ex can't be arsed to put any effort into it, why should he have the DC at Christmas? If your DC are really bored, why on earth are they going there EVERY weekend? Being a dad is more than just being around on the weekend, some effort needs to go into making the most of that time!!!!

LadyBeagleEyes · 31/08/2011 20:35

Yes I agree Chit, I think I went against the flow there too.

ChitChattingaway · 31/08/2011 20:57

LadyBeagleEyes - I think some people forget that SOME exs are exs not just because they were lousy husbands, but also because they were lousy people full stop, and DC really can be better off with out them, or only having limited exposure to them!

diddl · 01/09/2011 07:16

What does your ex want to do if he doesn´t come to you?

Just think of all the years you & your partner will have with your own child-why must you both always have your exes children as well?

manticlimactic · 01/09/2011 07:34

We do alternate Christmas. If DD is going to her dads she goes at lunchtime once presents have been opened and comes back Boxing day morning. If she's at mine she stays at his Christmas Eve, opens presents there and comes back at lunch time. Works fine.

Maybe you need to talk to him about the lack of Christmas cheer at his. My DD gets bored at ex's house at weekends but she mentioned to him that she was getting bored and maybe she could go alternate weekends. He soon upped his game and now he does more stuff with her.

bananatrifle · 01/09/2011 07:47

I don't know how old your kids are, but you probably have years ahead of you of this.

They are his kids, just as much as they are yours, and he will need to find his own way of doing things, whether that's over Christmas, or birthdays, and he will never get to be able to if you don't give it a chance and let it evolve.

The sooner you get into a routine for the future, the sooner everyone gets used to it and the easier it'll all be.

The fairest way is to split 50/50 - however that time works out, whether it's half of Christmas day or alternate Christmases.

Whatever your exh does manage to rustle up, don't undermine it by saying anything to the kids about it not being up to your usual standards, or by throwing an extra amazing extravaganza when you do have them with you. He deserves some dignity, surely?