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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to send my 2 year old ds to playgroup?

120 replies

LittleBugsMum · 30/08/2011 21:19

It's 6 hours a week (3 hours on 2 days) and I can't stand the thought. I think he's too young & I'm going to miss him & lots of other reasons.

I know it's my decision & I don't have to send him but I feel guilty. He might really enjoy it, need it for his social development, make friends...

What do you think?

OP posts:
monkeyhandbag · 31/08/2011 14:08

I think the fact that the government is beginning to fund 2 year olds has led to the expectation that starting preschool is the 'norm' at 2.
Most 2 year olds are not funded, but fees are often higher than the nursery funding preschools receive, and so preschools are encouraging children of 2 to start in order to survive.
In reality, two is very young to be in a group environment with others who are older and usually significantly more advanced in development.
It depends upon the child and the preschool.
Having said that, if you are having reservations it isn't the right time. You know your child is ready for preschool when you are no longer meeting all of their needs. Some parents find there never seems a right time. An example being where they already attend social groups, swimming, have friends over for tea, walk in the woods, go on bus rides etc etc.
Group care dilutes adult attention and children scaffold their learning from the children around them and by following the rules and routine.
I realise that I have made this a bit stuffy- but part of my job is advising parents on issues like this and I strongly believe that as a parent you must listen to yourself and your child. You know far better than anyone else.
Also consider the formality, you are entering into an arrangement that will put demands upon you to be up out of the house twice a week and restrict your holiday arrangements etc.
The most significant gains in attending early years settings are where children are not having a stimulating or well rounded experience in their home lives. In these cases the sooner they are in preschool the better.
Where children are having enough social experiences, support and opportunities preschool is a garnish or preparation for formal schooling, and they are in formal schooling long enough!!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 31/08/2011 14:09

Heiffer, it sounds like you and your child will benefit from the nursery time, but that doesn't mean it's wrong for the OP to not send her child. She does have playgroups to take him too and friends with children.

RitaMorgan · 31/08/2011 14:19

Agree it can be beneficial to mothers who need a break, but not particularly beneficial to the child. 2 year olds don't need playgroup to develop socially.

biddysmama · 31/08/2011 14:27

im not sending dd (2.5) until she starts nursery next year (easter) and thats only to prepare her for school... i lso have a 1 year old and a baby due in january

hadagutsfull · 31/08/2011 16:04

I agree that where children have well rounded experiences in their home lives, they probably don't 'need' to attend playgroup. However, I cannot agree that it is not particularly beneficial to the child. I have worked in a playgroup for 4 years and very few children have not settled. Most of those few have returned the following term, when they were more ready, and have thoroughly enjoyed it from then on.

It is a pleasure to see the children grow and develop and it most certainly helps their development in many ways - particularly socially and with speech. Virtually all the parents comment how much their child has gained from attending playgroup and feel that it helps them get ready for Nursery.

Everybody has to make their own decision on what's best for their child and I respect that. However I would recommend that you try it and see if they enjoy it. If not you can take them out again - it's not compulsory! It's a fun environment where the majority of children thrive and have experiences they may not get at home.

KatieScarlett2833 · 31/08/2011 16:10

Neither of mine went till they were 4

Before that was toddlers and playgroup sporadically.

It has not been a problem at all, they are now teenagers. Up here funded places were only available from age 4 in the dark olden days, only mums who needed childcare used nursery then.

In the long run it matters not a jot, do what you think is best.

whackamole · 31/08/2011 16:13

So don't then. It won't kill him if you do or don't - mine went at 8 months due to work, but that was my choice. When they were first born I couldn't stomach the idea of them going at all and was determined to be a SAHM, but it didn't work like that for me.

I'm not sure if it would be 'beneficial' exactly - I didn't go to nursery as a small child and I wasn't a social leper at school.

ThePosieParker · 31/08/2011 16:15

Don't send him them I've yet to see any evidence to suggest it's better for them socially or otherwise. Go to playgroups if you'd like him to play with other children. Mine went at 2,2.5,2.7 and nearly three. they were all ready and never ever cried. They started two hours twice a week.

ThePosieParker · 31/08/2011 16:17

It's absolute bollocks that children develop language more quickly or social skills more quickly if they go to nursery. DS2 could talk better than any of his peers when he started pre school.

soverylucky · 31/08/2011 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CurrySpice · 31/08/2011 16:26

Hmmm, mixed feelings. Mine went when they were 3 btw do not sure why you'd send him at 2

Part of me says, why send him if you don't want to

Part of me says that he may love it (mine both did!) and really 6 hours a week doesn't mean he's being brough up by someone else does it?

Also, maybe worth considering...what could you do with DS2 is that 6 hours? Take him swimming? Have 1 on 1 time with him? It could benefit your DS2 as well?

Thumbwitch · 31/08/2011 16:28

Have probably missed it - can you not just go to playgroups where you stay with him?

DS goes to two playgroups, 2h each - but they are not "drop and run" playgroups, I have to stay with him. Which is fine, and it's good for me to meet people and socialise too. I am lucky - both my playgroups have congenial women that I get along with and have made some friends (just as well as my DH has none, and it's his bloody fault we live here!)

I think this allows DS to learn social skills, learn to share toys, learn that some people are not as nice as others etc. but with me there in the background should he need me. He is 3.9 now and pretty good at the social stuff, I reckon.
I don't think it's done anything for his speech - I think he has picked up more from me than other children - and one of my friends has a child with verbal apraxia who finds playgroup with other children quite intimidating, so doesn't speak at all when there.

I have not yet "sent" DS anywhere; although it's not uncommon for people around here to put their child into pre-school at 2, I didn't want to do it. I will put him in next year when he's 4 because I think it might benefit him, getting used to the idea of school when he's 5; but that's the only reason I'd do it.

WoTmania · 31/08/2011 16:34

YANBU - if you don't want to, or don't feel he's ready then don't send him. I don't see what the benefits would be over being at home wiht someone who loves him and is there for him all the time.
But then, I'm saying this as a SAHM who doesn't send her DCs til they get funding. DS2 only had 1 full term because he really really wasn't happy at first so I took him out til I felt he would be more settled. DS1 went at 3yrs3 weeeks and loved it from the word go.

PicaK · 31/08/2011 16:45

Well I sent my DS the week after he turned 2 for 2 mornings a week. I was worried that he was behind with his speech and needed to learn to be without me and I also really needed a break.

I think my worrying reasons were unfounded. But he loves it, loves the artwork he comes home with, tells me all the activities etc. Luckily his pre-school is a chilled out one with the emphasis on fun not profit cos it's a charity.

Send him if you want to, don't send him if you don't - but please don't feel guilty about whichever choice you make.

LetThereBeRock · 31/08/2011 16:50

YANBU. If you don't want him to go and don't feel that you need a break then I wouldn't bother.
He doesn't have to go,he'll be fine even if he doesn't go to nursery at all before he starts school. It's not essential.

hadagutsfull · 31/08/2011 17:10

I can only tell you what I've seen with my own eyes and been told by parents! However, I'll say again, it's up to everyone to decide what's best for their child.

Original poster
LittleBugsMum · 31/08/2011 17:22

Everyone keeps saying 'when they're ready'. How can you tell?

CurrySpice Also, maybe worth considering...what could you do with DS2 is that 6 hours? Take him swimming? Have 1 on 1 time with him? It could benefit your DS2 as well?

Yes, more guilt on that front too. DS2 obviously doesn't get as much attention as his brother did at this age.

OP posts:
SouthernFriedTofu · 31/08/2011 17:26

Why can't you just go to toddler groups or soft play? I see no reason to leave kids with a child minder or nursery if you don't want to Confused

SouthernFriedTofu · 31/08/2011 17:27

Also your chld will go to school in 2 years so they can learn to be on their own then. Although I don't see why people worry about that myself

Groovee · 31/08/2011 17:27

I sent dd to playgroup at 2.5 years and school nursery at 3,5 years. But she needed playgroup and being heavily pregnant it gave me a rest then some time with the baby. With Ds he got a place at school nursery at 3 and it was in the 6 weeks before that that he was needing something more.

Cereal · 31/08/2011 17:36

I think you will feel a lot more comfortable with the idea when he's ready.

usingapseudonym · 31/08/2011 17:38

Pre-schools (at least around here) are quite different from child-minders or nursery in that they don't really provide childcare while parents work. They are set up for the benefit of enriching childrens experiences. Most near me only open for 2 1/5 hours a day, and are often run as non-profit making by churches/ co-ops/ older mums etc. So it's quite different from "just" minding a child but actively providing a pre-school experience.

hadagutsfull · 31/08/2011 17:45

We also have several children following on from their elder siblings, which suggests that the parents have found playgroup beneficial for their child and/or themselves.

moosemama · 31/08/2011 17:50

There's no right or wrong answer to this. What's right for one child/family may not be right for another.

As I said earlier, its just one of the many parenting decisions we all make and there should be no judgement either way.

WidowWadman · 31/08/2011 17:55

By not sending him you're looking more after your own interests than his - but I guess for some mothers it is hard to cope with the idea that their children could actually enjoy themselves and have fun without them, and bond with other people than mummy

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