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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want to send my 2 year old ds to playgroup?

120 replies

LittleBugsMum · 30/08/2011 21:19

It's 6 hours a week (3 hours on 2 days) and I can't stand the thought. I think he's too young & I'm going to miss him & lots of other reasons.

I know it's my decision & I don't have to send him but I feel guilty. He might really enjoy it, need it for his social development, make friends...

What do you think?

OP posts:

Original poster

LittleBugsMum · 30/08/2011 23:42

worraliberty Yep :)

OP posts:

winnybella · 30/08/2011 23:42

'I wanted to say this! I like to be there to interpret the world for him when he needs it. He asks questions all the time & I love to be there to explain, see him grasp things, help him learn. I thought it was me being 'soft' again. Thank you for that.'

Yes, but 6 hrs a week will not deprive him of that!

And at the playgroup he'll do lots of fun stuff that you probably are not doing with him. They won't indoctrinate him with nazism, you know.

Anyway, I was just trying to show you the benefits.

I have to admit that I was delighted that DD wanted to go so often as that left me a couple of hours to do my admin/housework etc in peace plus some time to relax and be fresh and full of energy for the rest of the day with her. But it seems a lot of people here have no need for a bit of solitude and enjoy their offspring 24/7

wotabouttheworkers · 30/08/2011 23:42

If you are not happy about it, don't send your son. Go with him to a mother and toddler group, then he can play and you can talk to other mothers.

FlamingoBingo · 30/08/2011 23:44

Not soft at all! Children are pulled away from their parents far too young in our culture - it's not actually that good for them. Trouble is, our culture means that we parent in isolation, so we get all het up about the 'socialisation' thing. It's nonsense, though - some kids are shy, and some are outgoing, and it bears little or no relation to whether or not they socialised as 2 year olds!

I know plenty of adults who are desperately shy despite going to school, nursery, after school clubs etc., and plenty of very confident, sensible children who have never been to school or nursery.

Original poster

LittleBugsMum · 30/08/2011 23:46

(I know because the playgroup is in my courtyard so I hear if a child cries).

Are you kidding me??! I'd be fine if playgroup was held in my 'courtyard' too!

OP posts:

FlamingoBingo · 30/08/2011 23:47

winnybella - I don't think anyone's suggesting that playgroup will be particularly bad for him, just that it's no big deal if he doesn't go. It's not essential to growing up, but we're made to think it is, and that we're being too soft if we don't send them, and that's what bugs me.

If parents want to, and kids enjoy it, then fine. But if one or other doesn't want to, then we shouldn't be made to feel guilty or inadequate for not sending them IMO.

worraliberty · 30/08/2011 23:48

And for every child who truly benefits from going to playgroup and copes better with the transition to school because of it....there could be another child who doesn't cope well because they had bad experiences of playgroup.

There's no right answer really, just a lot of guess work.

Original poster

LittleBugsMum · 30/08/2011 23:49

They won't indoctrinate him with nazism, you know.

Haha. No.

Yet at home he is exposed to a little feminism...

OP posts:

FlamingoBingo · 30/08/2011 23:50

There's no right answer really, just a lot of guess work.

Exactly! The only right answer is the one that you feel is right for you and your family (so long as it's harming no one, either physically or emotionally). That's what I think anyway

Original poster

LittleBugsMum · 30/08/2011 23:52

Good, me too. Glad that's resolved then. Bed for me, have a 5 o'clock feed to look forward to. Thanks ladies.

OP posts:

winnybella · 30/08/2011 23:54

Yes, of course, Flamingo, I only meant that it can be a lovely experience for a child- but conversely they might no be ready/traumatized, sure.

I thought it could be good to perhaps give it a try, that's all.

Yeah, it's lovely that the playgroup is downstairs but I have to admit to standing by the window the first few times for the entire duration of the session, just in case someone was mistreating DD

Feminism is good

worraliberty · 30/08/2011 23:57

Good, me too. Glad that's resolved then. Bed for me, have a 5 o'clock feed to look forward to. Thanks ladies

Lol I thought you meant you were having breakfast in bed for a minute

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 31/08/2011 00:01

You're not being 'soft' at all. You don't want him to go and you don't need him to go do why should he go? Your DH agrees. If you think he's too small and don't feel the need for a break or think he'll particularly benefit why bother!

He's going to be 2. He's still very little. If you sent him he would probably become used to it and benefit from it, but if you don't send him it won't harm him in any way and he'll benefit from time spent with you instead. A good nursery will provide care and mental stimulation and so will a good parent. As long as your child is loved and encouraged to be physically and mentally active, it doesn't really matter whether he gets covered in mud and glitter at home or at nursery.

WhiffOfBath · 31/08/2011 09:17

"I happen to believe very strongly that kids learn social skills better with a low adult:child ratio, not with heaps of other kids. They need a loving adult close by who can help them make sense of the world and their own emotions."

Beautifully put, FlamingoBingo.

As for bright children: a bright child with an engaged/interested parent will learn far more at home than s/he would at nursery school.

FlamingoBingo · 31/08/2011 10:12

Thanks Whiff

usingapseudonym · 31/08/2011 10:28

Depends on the area/ child/playgroup etc.

I moved from an area (part of london) where "nursery" was attached to a school so I fully expected just to send my daughter when she was 3 1/2 to nursery in the september the year before she went to school. I hadn't at all planned to put her anywhere for a few months before, when funding started as I didn't want to chop and change.

I moved to New Area (town out of london) when daughter was just turning 2 and everyone kept asking if we'd signed up for a pre-school yet. At that stage I wasn't at all ready to let go of my daughter and wasn't sure how she would take it but I did go and visit all the local ones and found a fab traditional one run by older ladies, just upstairs from the mums and todds I was going to and put my daughters name down.

She will start end September at 2 years 9 months - the youngest that group takes them and will have 2 years before school (there are no nursery years here - schools start with reception). She is so different to when she just turned 2. Talks non-stop, desperate to play with other children, loves any new stimulation, will go to a couple of trusted friends for a few hours no problems. Both daughter and I are quite excited about her starting!

A lot changes in their 3rd year. My daughter would have had a hard time starting at 2 (but I'm sure would have settled after a few weeks) but at 2.9 she will have a whale of a time. She is quite confident socially, bright, curious about the world etc and will fit in fine. If I had a slower developer next time I wouldn't nec send him/her before the funding kicks in.

The 2 mornings thing is because that is far less disruptive for the child. 2 lots of 2-3 hours really won't harm a child and for most children be a very positive experience - new activities, crafts, input etc.

Not that anyone "should" do it if they don't want to!!

pink4ever · 31/08/2011 10:28

My ds is 2 and just started playgroup. He loves it and I have no qualms about him going there at all. Its get them ready to begin nursery-ie encourages them to listen,be more independent,a little bit of discipline.
In my experience the kids who find it hard to settle at nursery are those who havent mixed much with others kids are not used to having a bit of routine ie at playgroup they have registration time where they have to sit for 10 minutes,listen and engage with others.
My ds is also a bit delayed in the speech department and although he has only been at the group for 2 weeks I have noticed a difference in that are already.
Each to their own-I have friends who also had their dcs at playgroup but also have other friends who wouldnt dream of sending their dcs.

Oblomov · 31/08/2011 11:18

I agree with usingapseud, the year of being 2, from 2 to 3, is such a dramatic one. Dh was just saying, as were all our friends, how much ds2(2.10) has really changed in the last couple of months. his sentences have really come on, even if his pronunciation hasn't. he is so funny. "no mummy, tis dust not good enuff".
If you don't want him to go, wait till he's 3. Don't be PFB about it, do it when its right for your ds, not when its right for you. you will know when that time is.

cloudpuff · 31/08/2011 11:36

Just follow your gut, you'll know best yourself if he is ready or not.

I sent my dd at 2 to a day nursery for a few sessions a week because she socialised with no other kids, we lived in the middle of nowhere, I knew no-one and dp worked away so it was just me and her all week. I thought it wasn't fair on her to be stuck with me all the time.

She hated it, her eyes were all puffy from crying when I picked her up and I stopped taking her after after four sessions. There were a few issues with the staff and running of the place which I wont go into, but dd was much happier not going there and had no problems settling into nursery at 3 and loves school now.

AnotherJaffaCake · 31/08/2011 12:40

DD started nursery at 2 yrs 4 months and was ready. She loved it and never looked back. DS would have been 2 yrs 3 months if he'd started at the same time of year as DD, but we've chosed to delay his start until the new year as he's not ready yet. I'm all in favour of nursery, but only when they are ready to go, and only you will know that. If nothing else, they get to paint and create messy pictures and you don't have to do the clearing up!

AnotherJaffaCake · 31/08/2011 12:41

Chosen, not chosed!

moosemama · 31/08/2011 12:57

My 2 year old dd has just reached the age where she has to leave her toddler group and I have chosen not to send her to pre-school. You'd think I'd committed some heinous crime from the reaction of other parents round here and people regularly feel they have the right to question me on it.

None of my three went to pre-school and (so far) none of them have had a problem with starting school based nursery at a little over 3 years old. Both boys loved it right from day 1.

What I do do is take dd to things like Messy Play and Story Time at Surestart and also to their Stay and Play which actually has children up to the age of 5 and there's never been a problem with the bigger children vs babies while I've been there.

We go to to other groups as and when they're of interest and regularly to a number of local parks and as a result she already 'gets' waiting her turn and sharing - although I suppose this could also be because having older siblings she has it regularly reinforced at home as well.

She is also very careful around babies and understands that we need to be gentle with and around them. I find the activity sessions at places like Stay and Play tend to have older pre-school age children there anyway, as babies and very young toddlers would be too young to be properly involved.

Imho, its simply one of those things that's entirely a personal parenting decision that no-one has the right to judge you for.

RitaMorgan · 31/08/2011 13:52

Developmentally a 2 year old needs interaction with interested adults who they have strong bonds with, not other children. Some will enjoy playgroup and many won't, but it certainly isn't necessary.

HeifferunderConstruction · 31/08/2011 14:02

I think you need to cut the strings my DS is going soon , this age is very important for social development for some people (like me) its a godsend As I have no-one in my network with kids and thanks to funding cuts alot of playgroups have shut.

I agrr it will be hard , but think how beneficil it will be.

HeifferunderConstruction · 31/08/2011 14:02

agree beneficial

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