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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think Bs at GCSE are ok?

808 replies

catwalker · 28/08/2011 21:31

Some issues with DS and GCSEs/6th form. He didn't get the grades he was predicted (As and As) but then I didn't expect him to as he doesn't put much effort into anything apart from his x box. He got mainly Bs, a couple of As, a couple of Cs and a couple of Ds. I was quite happy until I started reading the secondary education forum where people are tearing their hair out because their dc's didn't get straight As and may have blown their oxbridge chances. I get the impression that anything less than an A just isn't worth the paper it's written on. He could have done loads better but Bs are OK aren't they?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 03/09/2011 09:59

I can imagine some students ticking it when parents are there and then amending. For some students their parents are their problem! I know on another thread someone was ringing the university to make sure their DS went to bed at a reasonable time!!!

Xenia · 03/09/2011 15:00

I've virtually never been up to a school unless it were a parents' evening/sports day etc as I think they have more than enough fussy parents as it is and certainly not a university and I agree you don't need parents interfering with academic work. I think if you can get the child to consent to the parent being told if there are problems particularly if the parent is paying and the university has a right of action against the parent for not paying which I think I recall there is, then in a sense there is there already a contractual obligation with the parent and I think it's perfectly reasonable the parent is told if there is a major issue about something or the student has disappeared or run away to Australia.

As for facebook you can only track a child on there if they want to be friends with you on it and mine either don't do FB because of the privacy issues or could not be seen dead with their mother as a friend. I think when I was once tracking one I hadn't heard from for a few weeks in Central America I had to ask their youngest brother (who was an FB friend) to check they were still alive.

adamschic · 03/09/2011 15:13

DD had me as a friend on facebook as do many of her mates. To me it would be a great way to keep in touch. Cannot imagine any reason for her to delete me. She isn't the sort to put 'boasting about getting pissed' type of status updates and is cautious about how she uses facebook.

Yellowstone · 03/09/2011 17:33

I don't have Fb myself but if I haven't heard from one or other of the girls for a while I just ask a sibling to check when they were last on/ does everything seem OK? It's very useful that way: no intrusion and it can reassure. I don't ask for detail, just are they OK?

Yes it's very useful for tracking them abroad too and way cheaper than phoning mobiles. One in Cambodia today having suffered manganese poisoning in China and another whose train caught fire in Italy last night, but both chirpy on Fb, so a quick remote check to confirm all good.

sieglinde · 04/09/2011 16:26

befuzzled, late return... Honestly, I think most dcs would be happier outside Oxbridge, but anyone who wants to be manysided but lacks insane energy levels definitely would, and so would anyone talented at their subject but not keen to make it their life. Their degrees are less work, too. Oxbridge is really for thick-skinned well-balanced workaholics - or at least they are its ideal.

ilikethesun · 04/09/2011 17:15

XENIA your post says so much about your parenting it scares me that you have five children.

Did they bring themselves up?

Tchootnika · 04/09/2011 17:19

There's a lot of sense in what you say about Oxbridge, sieglinde. You word it well... Smile

Xenia · 04/09/2011 18:11

We're talking about a 19 or 20 year old doing normal univesrity holiday Central America travelling. I think if the child we re on the phone to mummy every other day then there's a problem. I revel in the fact they have the ability to be self sufficient. I suppose I also am not too unhappy all 3 came to lvie back home after graduation too. Anyway it all seems to work in a lovely way for us and we're very lucky but every family is different. I would say they have masses of skills helicoptered children don't in terms of risk taking, self preservation and even knowledge of the London night buses which are life skills many middle class children never achieve because their parents always picked them up in the night.

Xenia · 04/09/2011 18:12

You have to be able to let them go, so enuoy them but not own them or make them how you want them to be.

On Children
 Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.
ilikethesun · 04/09/2011 18:14

Well I am in my 40's and still speak to my mum or dad 4 or 5 times a week if i am not visiting. Just a quick call sometimes an hour sometimes 5 mins.

Is that not normal?

Yellowstone · 04/09/2011 18:31

A lot of what Xenia says about her hands off approach to schoolwork etc. resonates with me. I think the approach works well. It doesn't mean one doesn't care or isn't concerned. Perhaps this is partly making virtue of a necessity when one has lots of DC but it works for us too. Mine are pretty self-sufficient, more so than many of their friends.

Tchootnika · 04/09/2011 18:34

Re. your last point, Xenia, you are the voice of reason.
Much better that DCs are able to exercise and develop skills that should already be there, than to be hindered by needy parents.

Yellowstone · 04/09/2011 18:35

But sieglinde would you say that the majority are thick-skinned and well-balanced?

For many I'd have thought that was a distant dream. Perhaps I'm the one generalising now.

Xenia · 04/09/2011 18:48

I don't think there is a right or wrong way. If you have a large family and both work full time chidlren benefit because there is less time and that can be good all round. I don't think love is diluted. I think it is infinite.

However nor do I think families are wrong if the whole lot of them turn up at the airport to welcome the teenager/student home either if that works for them. Might be the highlight of their very boring Sunday. Whereas my older ones would say they have never had ap arent collecting them from an air port when they get back from a trip because they can use the tube and the rest of us are busy doing other things or minding younger children. I don't think it really relates to love.

I think the personality of the children also determine matters too and their life stage. Some teenagers go througha phase of cutting off, might even just be shutting themselves in their room for 2 years virtually and grunting or not wanting you to know what they are doing at university or whatever. Others are hardly away from home and back every weekend.

I think there can be some cultural differences too,. Some families 3 generations live togehter or a few streets away and cannot understand a concept of gonig away to univesrity at 18 and perhaps never living near home again. Neither culture is wrong, just different.

Despite the non helicopter laid back approach of me however which might appear as if I do nothing as there are so many children it is a rare day when one or other isn't in touch and 4 of them plus a friend of the youngest are in the house yards from my office at this very moment.

ilikethesun · 04/09/2011 18:52

Xenia.............your last post was put very well and much more pleasant than previous posts that you have written.

At the end of the day in life ''each to their own''

ragged · 04/09/2011 18:53

A lot of what Xenia says about her hands off approach to schoolwork etc. resonates with me.

Keep in mind that Xenia pays good money to put her children thru private school and has very sneery attitudes towards state schooling; she has effectively paid for the privilege of a very hands-off approach. If she wasn't getting what she wanted out of her DC's private ed, she would move them to a different private school; it isn't THAT hands-off. I presume she's paid good money for Au-Pairs and Nannies, too; people she could hire & fire according to whether she thought they were producing the goods, too.

Xenia has a very different strategy from what most of us are able to choose.

ilikethesun · 04/09/2011 18:58

hands off my sons life would not suit me.

as i said before xenia has paid for someone else to bring her children up.

Xenia · 04/09/2011 18:58

We had one daily nanny for 10 years. I think continuity is more important than hiring and firing. The production of the goods in terms of nanny for me meant someone who are around and was loving and involved. The "production of the goods" is raising happy children with love who fulfil their potential. Most british parents want a good education for their chidlren and seek to give them that and most will pick a school state or private which achieves taht and most would pay if they could afford it.

I have never moved a child from a school as I think sticking the course and fufilling your obligations is important and continuing it and commitment. Nor did I send them to a school to get grades. I have no sneery attidudes to state schools. 94% of children go to state schools and plenty of them do fairly well.

I think if chidlren in state or private school cannot cope then they may be in the wrong place. I have hardly ever had a child tutored and once they reach a certain age it's up to them to get on with things and they need to take personal responsibility. You will nto be around forever to wipe their bottoms.

exoticfruits · 04/09/2011 19:08

I never thought that I would agree with you so much Xenia.
I love the poem and think it should be handed to every woman when they give birth-especially:

They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

So many parents seem to think that they are right and their DCs should think the same!

exoticfruits · 04/09/2011 19:09

Sorry-every father as well.

adamschic · 04/09/2011 19:14

Nice poem Xenia and some nice recent posts too. Grin

ilikethesun · 04/09/2011 19:17

Serious question...................Are two people posting as XENIA.

Because some posts are well written and kind.

Others are not well written the grammar and punctuation are awful and are quite rude.

I have looked through recent posts over the last few days.

exoticfruits · 04/09/2011 19:26

It surprises me-I normally disagree with every word Xenia writes and suddenly I agree with every word!

ilikethesun · 04/09/2011 19:29

Which is my point, seems rather strange to me.

exoticfruits · 04/09/2011 19:37

Very Hmm