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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

wwyd you ask dh not to go away for weekend, he does anyway.

39 replies

ThePosieParker · 28/08/2011 08:35

This is my friend, not me. Her DH is coming up to his 40th, he's celebrating with 4 days golf in StAndrews, a day's golf with a prof. A family lunch and party in the evening. He also has a golf membership that he spent £350 on despite them having no money. My friend cleans houses to make ends meet. Aside from him being a selfish bastard and doing stuff without asking, including a residential university course, and then saying it's too late to back out. They've been married 7 years and have three dcs.

So this weekend they have diggers in their garden for a big job.
His friend phones my friend, let's call her Jo, an.d asks to take her DH, John, away for the weekend as an extra birthday treat. My friend says no because of diggers. What follows is a tantrum, pleading, tantrums, silence and finally he announced he's going and goes.

So despite it completely putting Jo out, John goes knowing she has said, for the first time, no. And despite him having six other days of celebrating. He has also asked for two watches.

The lunch and party Jo is organising. She doesn't even feel angry as what's the point. I think that he'll use her and all her 'wifey' support and bugger off with someone else anyway, he already had an affair when their first child was 9 months...a honeymoon baby.

As a start I would cancel the parties.

I can't advise her really, any suggestions.

OP posts:

pink4ever · 28/08/2011 08:45

Firstly can you explain a few things to me. You sat they couldnt afford his golf membersgip but he took it anyway-what did his wife do? why exactly is he having so many celebrations for his birthday? who organised them?.
What is his wife planning to do now that he has just done as he pleases?
Yanbu-my response would be to have a bag packed and waiting for him on his return and tell him that his weekend away will now be a permanent one.

pink4ever · 28/08/2011 08:51

Sorry I just read that his wife organised the party/again-I thought they had little money? post seems quite contradictory-no money but can have lavious celelbrations for an adults birthday and also afford for major work to be done to their garden? wish I was that kind of poor.
Anyway with regards to the party she shoul definately cancel and keep the money for herself or dcs.

pickgo · 28/08/2011 08:54

Not sure advice is what's needed by your friend anyway, perhaps more of a listening ear?

Also what kind of relationship is it that the H's friend has would ring the wife for 'permission' for his friend to come out to play to go away?

Ergh, it all sounds so riddled with stereotypically sexist roles. yuk

If I were Jo I'd go and get trained for a better job and make sure I took a short notice holiday without any Dcs before the end of the year myself. I'd plan to leave long-term because, sadly, I think you're right about the likely future for them.

For the immediate time, I'd put on a good face and try not to let it get to me. I wouldn't bother trying to change his mind. He won't.

Original poster

ThePosieParker · 28/08/2011 09:08

Pickgo. He always says she's making a fuss about nothing and how long is she going on about it? The courses he's been on in the,last couple of years are residential, he gives her a week's notice and "I'm going" so she can't refuse. His days off, even when she had a nb, 18mtg and three year old, he plays golf.

OP posts:

Jemma1111 · 28/08/2011 09:08

Something doesn't sound right about this weekend away to me.

Maybe I'm too suspicious but judging by the fact your friends H is DETERMINED to go away, even though they have diggers in etc and your friend has told him she doesn't agree with it!, I would'nt be suprised if he's arranged to go away with some woman and he's got his friend to be in on it.

I too would tell him to do one on his return, the selfish arsehole

Maryz · 28/08/2011 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ThePosieParker · 28/08/2011 09:24

Originally he was going back to his Uni haunts but left it too late......

OP posts:

Justfeckinggoogleit · 28/08/2011 09:28

Not sure what you can do.

He's clearly used to getting his own selfish way and she's clearly been obliging him in that.

If women won't stand up to the men in in their lives, that's up to them. We all get what we settle for, after all.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 28/08/2011 09:32

How are they financing all the expense?
Why do they have three young children in 7 years if he's already been unfaithful 9 months into the marriage, was that her choice or was she pressurised into it?
Why is she still there?
What could she do to support herself and her children when the marriage ends officially?
For me, this relationship is inexplicable, and she should be looking for the best and most efficient way out.

ProfessionallyOffendedGoblin · 28/08/2011 09:33

JFGI. far more concise than me, but I agree.

Malificence · 28/08/2011 09:42

Unfortunately, he's doing it because he knows there are no consequences from her and he can just do whatever the hell he wants.
If he can cheat on her so early on, he's capable of anything and it's down to her to decide how long she will put up with it until she can't take any more.
I don't see that there's really anything you can do or say other than to stand back and wait until he inevitabley buggers off with a younger model at some indeterminate point in the future - that's what selfish bastards like him always do. If she didn't fuck him right off when he cheated on her , what's it going to take for him to see him for what he is?
Awful situation for you as a bystander, but she's chosen this life and only she can choose to walk away.

Justfeckinggoogleit · 28/08/2011 09:44

I don't waste my time or energy worrying about other people's relationships, to be honest.
People live how they choose. It really isn't worth thinkingspace.

TidyDancer · 28/08/2011 09:51

An odd set up, definitely. How can they afford the way they live (aside from this weekend)? If they are poor, he wouldn't be able to fund all this, or the work going on at the house.

He sounds like a dick though.

DuelingFanjo · 28/08/2011 09:54

if she's not going to take your advice then it seems like a bit of a lost cause.

RebelFromTheWaistDown · 28/08/2011 10:02

I would leave him.

scuzy · 28/08/2011 10:03

why does he need want watches????? sounds like a selfish git.

scuzy · 28/08/2011 10:03

*two not want

Justfeckinggoogleit · 28/08/2011 10:09

Look, he's a twat.
And she's as big a twat for putting up with him.

ShoutyHamster · 28/08/2011 10:30

An affair nine months in? Really, the best thing you could do for your friend is give her all the support and encouragement she needs to leave him as soon as possible. She had the misfortune to marry one of the real barrel scrapings, it's as simple as that. He isn't going to change. Her first mistake was marrying him, but her second, much bigger mistake was forgiving him the affair. She's basically said to him 'Yes, you've been lucky enough to snare a complete doormat - no matter what you do, I'll stay.' So, he does what he likes. Simple.

There's no way round it because he isn't going to take seriously any threats to leave etc. And he won't care if she's angry and withdrawn from him because he can get sex elsewhere (and will do, and is doing now, you can be sure of that). He wants her there to raise his kids, provide him with a family life, cook, clean, suck his dick - though he can always outsource that.

Every year she stays, to rant and rave, to try counselling, to try and change him, is a year wasted of her own life - which she could be spending on building a new relationship. Also, he will leave her in the end anyway, for the classic younger model - it's what these men do. Everyone's responses on here will be the same. Show her this thread. She has time on her side now. Tell her to open her eyes, play smart with money, and get out NOW. She's wasting her own precious time.

squeezemebakingpowder · 28/08/2011 10:39

Agree with everything ShoutyHamster has said!

Wise words, and definitely show her the thread!

diddl · 28/08/2011 10:43

Everything else aside, what does having diggers in have to do with anything?

ShoutyHamster · 28/08/2011 10:46

While he's away, she could rejig plans for the diggers - handy DH-shaped bespoke trench for under the patio perhaps?

auroraday · 28/08/2011 10:46

I agree that support and encouragement is what she needs. From the facts you know about and the picture you have painted, it sounds awful, but how can you be sure there isn't more going on? Nevertheless I would not show her this thread. In fact if I were your mate, I would be pretty horrified you had put up a thread about me with this amount of detail with strangers commenting, but maybe some people don't mind this

fedupofnamechanging · 28/08/2011 10:52

Well, I'd change the locks if I was your friend. I can't be doing with these men who get married, have dc and then act as if they were single. Your friend has allowed all this and she will either see sense or she won't.

The best advice you could give her is to leave him, but she probably won't.

lachesis · 28/08/2011 10:52

I completely agree with Justfeckinggoogleit.

I also refuse to give headspace to professional martyr/victim types like this woman. I don't want to hear about their twat husband/partner and how they put up with him. I tell them to leave me out of their relationship issues.

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