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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be concerned about this man?

120 replies

gemdrop84 · 27/08/2011 18:36

My mum has recently registered on a dating website a few wks ago, she has been single for a long time and has been receiving/sending emails to a man who she now says she is in love with. She gave me her password to look at some photos he sent of himself and she showed me a few emails, but it seems so odd and makes me feel uneasy. He is supposedly an american, army member and currently working in afghanistan. What seems odd to me is that every email he has sent has been very long, saying how much he loves her, wants to hold her, wants to live and love her for the rest of his life. Id be very scared if a man Id never met was saying such things after a couple of wks of emails! In some emails there are some sentences worded in very bad english. Shes so smitten. Also with his emails, she wrote that she has 3 kids,a grandchild&various other details about herself etc, I would've thought he would ask details, how old are they, do they still live at home, what pets does she have etc but he hasnt. All his emails are so generic and they dont seem to respond to her msgs, if that makes sense. I dont want her to get hurt and she was telling me today he is due leave at the end of sept, although he's not sure how much he'll have and wants to meet up with her. Also been on msn msging each other at night and apparently he wants to buy a house with her now! Any advice on how to handle this would be great, I really dont want her to get hurt, sorry for the length, thanks ladies.

OP posts:
Poshbaggirl · 28/08/2011 04:40

Your Mum has fallen in at the deep end with sharks and bare electical wires.

IT IS A SCAM.

Please google and get her to understand. She won't believe it until she hears others stories. You must also report the profile to the dating site.

secretsquirrel1 · 28/08/2011 05:16

"she thinks he's 100% genuine, pointed out my concerns with her but she's having none of it. Red2011 I would really love to see my dm do that and meet someone lovely in person but she has alot of issues and no self esteem"

Well that last sentence sums it all up, doesn't it? WE all know it's a scam, but someone who has a lot of issues & no self esteem is the bait that these vile people prey on. Ergo facebook etc. and all the lonely kids who get suckered in.

It breaks my heart to hear how these vulnerable people are used and abused - but that's the major problem about these 'virtual relationships'....they are so easy to start up in the deep end (you can be anyone and anything online); the victim is reeled in so far and so quick that they can't get out. And what little self esteem they had is then irreperably damaged.

Please please take all the fabulous advice on here and protect your mum from this monster.

Once the dust settles, she really will need help on her self esteem/confidence so it doesn't happen again.

ATB
SS

CocktailMumma · 28/08/2011 05:47

I am another person who has heard of this scam.

It makes me so angry that these people prey on vulnerable people.

Can you show your mum this thread and get her to read the links. Would she do that?

How worrying for you. I would be gutted having to help/convince my mum in a situation like this. I hope you manage to persuade your mum that this is the scam it is and that you get a response that will help prove this from the link you emailed.

Good luck.

moonferret · 28/08/2011 05:57

Sounds like this is another example of this scam.

Here's more on it...(notice how the fraudster says, "The woman is, in most cases, desperate to get a man in her life."

Here's another idiot victim.

mathanxiety · 28/08/2011 06:17

Your poor, silly mother.

That English is standard Nigerian scammerese. Report him to the site asap. Don't bother sending him a piece of your mind. You will only tip him off, if he bothers to read replies at all.

From Wiki wrt the 4th Division:
'Afghanistan War
Immediately, the division's brigades started preparing for their next return to combat. The 4th Infantry Brigade Combat Team has completed a one year tour in Afghanistan that began in May 2009; the 3rd Brigade Combat Team completed a one year deployment to southern Iraq, as an Advise and Assist Brigade, from March 2010 to March 2011; 1st Brigade Combat Team deployed to Afghanistan from July 2010-2011; to be followed by 4ID HQ deploying to Iraq for the fourth time in early fall of 2011. The 2nd Brigade Combat Team, which returned from Iraq late in 2009, is currently in afganistan for 2011.'

And from this site -- footage of the 4th Inf Div, 1st Combat Team's recent return home to Colorado, June 15, 2011

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 28/08/2011 06:59

It is a scam, i tried internet dating some time ago and had several of these kind of scam artists contact me!

Every website should have the option to report members x

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 28/08/2011 07:05

Shock that's disgusting. I've never heard of that scam.

She's given you her password, any chance you can log in and delete his contact info?

JambalayaCodfishPie · 28/08/2011 07:07

This weeks real people magazine has an article on a scam almost exactly like this. (pg 48)

Theres also some hints on how to avoid internet scammers.

Is it something you could get her to read, might make it more 'real'?

AlpinePony · 28/08/2011 07:51

The emails he sent sound 'pure African' to me. 'Since my marriage ended in a painful manner' ? Wtf? That's 1950's colonial English, not modern American.

I've dated the odd us servicemen (or two ;)). The divorced ones tend to talk about cheating hitched ex-wives rather than convoluted 'pain'.

I hope your mum is ok. :(

Poshbaggirl · 28/08/2011 08:47

Dating websites should take more responsibilty for spotting this kinda thing. They have the isps so surely they could stop it if they wanted. But no! Of course they sre taking membership fees from the scammers.
Once again 'Internet dating is a hell hole' says posh

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2011 09:15

Definitely work on helping your mother build up her self-esteem, otherwise she will just fall for another one of these scams the minute she gets the chance. TBH there is a touch of Darwinism-in-action about some of the internet scams - if you are greedy, stupid or desperate enough to fall for them and spend hundreds of thousands on them, sooner or later you would have fallen for some scam or other anyway.

rhondajean · 28/08/2011 09:19

I would add trusting enough to the list, some people just have a genuine belief in the goodness of others despite all the evidence to the contrary.

I do hope this works out ok.

maccie · 28/08/2011 10:11

you could also consider joining this website under a false name and making contact with him yourself. If he e-mails you with the same replies he is giving your mother, these could then be shown to her to prove that he is not genuine.

FigsAndWine · 28/08/2011 10:41

maccie that's a good idea; that might finally get it through to her. I'd show her the DM article too, and some of the others. And defininitly push the dating site to kick him off.

God there are such lonely and gullible people around, aren't there. Sad

I hope you can talk some sense into her, OP.

thefirstMrsDeVere · 28/08/2011 10:47

The 12 year old DD will become very sick soon and need money for expensive medical treatment.

I am sorry for your mum but I cant understand how she hasnt heard of this scam. It has been everywhere.

Whathashappenedtomyboobs · 28/08/2011 10:52

you must show your mum this thread and tell her how much you love her and don't want her to get hurt. Good Luck x

Melly20MummyToPoppy · 28/08/2011 11:13

I hope everything turns out ok OP. Good luck :)

pigletmania · 28/08/2011 11:17

gem I have heard this time and time again with women, it sounds like a big fat scam tell her to cut all contact. He is after money and will spin a sob story to get her caught in. Warn your mum.

WhoWhoWhoWho · 28/08/2011 11:32

Your poor mum OP Sad

Claw3 · 28/08/2011 11:38

Ive never heard of this scam before. It doesnt sound right, as you say his emails do seem like he has literally just copied and pasted, perhaps to hundreds of women. The English doesnt sound very English or American in places too.

The scam that others have mentioned seems highly likely.

SquongebobSparepants · 28/08/2011 12:04

I agree with everyone who says it is a scam. If anyone else is interested, have a mooch on this site.
They are a forum of 'professional baiters' who string along the scammers for as long as possible, thus meaning that they are tied up with them and not able to scam as many other people. Some of the results are hilarious too.

Sorry for your mum, it's awful, and she shouldn't feel bad, the reason they do it is because it works, there are lots of women that fall for this.

FigsAndWine · 28/08/2011 12:32

Sponge I'm now engrossed by that site! Grin

OP could you maybe email the other women on his messenger thing, cutting and pasting his emails to your mum, and asking whether that is what he's telling them, too?

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 12:36

"I will like to be the man in your life" is NOT something that an English-speaking person would say.

This is a scam - just the language he's using is designed to appeal to vulnerable people.

ImperialBlether · 28/08/2011 12:38

Does he know her address? If he googles her phone number (if he has it) would it come up with her name?

If not, I would string him along. She should tell him she's moving into a lovely big house with plenty of room for him when he comes to visit. She's just come back from the jeweller's, etc etc. Just read above that's 'baiting' - well, that's what I'd do!

festi · 28/08/2011 12:45

definatly what others say. what will happen is he will email her asking for flight money...then he will get stranded at airport needing more money and so on.