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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be concerned about this man?

120 replies

gemdrop84 · 27/08/2011 18:36

My mum has recently registered on a dating website a few wks ago, she has been single for a long time and has been receiving/sending emails to a man who she now says she is in love with. She gave me her password to look at some photos he sent of himself and she showed me a few emails, but it seems so odd and makes me feel uneasy. He is supposedly an american, army member and currently working in afghanistan. What seems odd to me is that every email he has sent has been very long, saying how much he loves her, wants to hold her, wants to live and love her for the rest of his life. Id be very scared if a man Id never met was saying such things after a couple of wks of emails! In some emails there are some sentences worded in very bad english. Shes so smitten. Also with his emails, she wrote that she has 3 kids,a grandchild&various other details about herself etc, I would've thought he would ask details, how old are they, do they still live at home, what pets does she have etc but he hasnt. All his emails are so generic and they dont seem to respond to her msgs, if that makes sense. I dont want her to get hurt and she was telling me today he is due leave at the end of sept, although he's not sure how much he'll have and wants to meet up with her. Also been on msn msging each other at night and apparently he wants to buy a house with her now! Any advice on how to handle this would be great, I really dont want her to get hurt, sorry for the length, thanks ladies.

OP posts:
Millie1 · 27/08/2011 19:37

I think your Mum ought to run a mile. Can you or she block emails from him - is that even possible?

clawsatELVES · 27/08/2011 19:38

Add to everyone else on thread that this is a hoax. I've looked on SNOPES, but can't see anything there.

But 'Kaboul' - that is not English (US or UK) spelling. So English is very unlikely to be the first or main language of the correspondent, ergo he's not a US soldier.

Your poor mum.

MadamDeathstare · 27/08/2011 19:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rimmerfleadick · 27/08/2011 19:38

As stated well known scam.

He will become a little "distant" and not as chatty, your mum will sense something is wrong. He will relucantly tell her about a child of his who is sick needs surgry etc. Will refuse any assistance at first, but will in the end.

It can seem very, very convincing to the unwary.

Red2011 · 27/08/2011 19:40

The standard of english in the email is very like the standard on the Nigerian scam emails purporting to have funds to transfer to you as no beneficiary for funds...etc. It certainly isn't a 'normal' conversation.

It sounds like a scam to me. (I used to deal with anti-money laundering procedures). I'd tactfully direct your mum to the links/scambusters for similar emails.

I don't know your mum's age or situation but if it's possible for her to get out to social events (whether that be a tea dance/lline dancing class/over 50's club/singles group etc) then that would be a better place perhaps to meet someone? A friend of mine (50+) lost her partner in an accident 4 years ago. She has done her best to rebuild her life and has been on some singles holidays - with single friends around her age - she's just met someone new.
Meeting people 'in the flesh' tends to be a good way of calling their bluff.

Original poster
gemdrop84 · 27/08/2011 19:41

Thanks IzzyWhizzy,did try to talk to her today about my concerns but she was so excited after spending most of last night on msn chat with him, on about getting a house together and meeting up when he gets home at the end of the month. Fucking scumbag. Excuse my french.

OP posts:
Original poster
gemdrop84 · 27/08/2011 19:45

Millie1, she thinks he's 100% genuine, pointed out my concerns with her but she's having none of it. Red2011 I would really love to see my dm do that and meet someone lovely in person but she has alot of issues and no self esteem.

OP posts:
Original poster
gemdrop84 · 27/08/2011 19:47

Rimmer, he apparently has a 12yr old daughter so no doubt will bring her into the scam!

OP posts:
Waltons · 27/08/2011 19:54

Website for the Public Affairs (no pun intended!) team for the division he claims to be serving with www.dvidshub.net/units/1BCT-4ID Send them an email briefly explaining the situation - if they categorically reply that the guy doesn't exist, it's a wrap and you have proof to show your mum. They will probably thank you for letting them know that their name is being taken in vain as well.

LadyBeagleEyes · 27/08/2011 19:56

Gemdrop, is there any way you can email him yourself to let him know you're aware of what's going on and nip it in the bud?
Have you shown this thread to your mum?
Surely after reading it she can be under no illusion it's a scam.

Original poster
gemdrop84 · 27/08/2011 20:01

Thanks Walton thats very handy!!

OP posts:
Mandy2003 · 27/08/2011 20:02

This is a link to the Fake Britain item on it. Click the links for info on Nigerian scams in general.

fifitrixibellesmith · 27/08/2011 20:04

there were three women in one of the papers recently

all had exactly the same story, some american serving in afghanistan, etc, undying love and whatnot

turned out to be a scam, he took them all for hundreds of thousands iirc, they only found out about each other afterwards

tethersend · 27/08/2011 20:04

Have a look at this and this

Waltons · 27/08/2011 20:08

No probs gemdrop - I love to kill internet myths, and scammers make my blood boil. Good advice from izzywhizzy as well.

Maybe your mum could ask for his Facebook page as well? ... Grin

whomovedmychocolate · 27/08/2011 20:09

The problem is he will be trying to separate OP's mum from her family and encouraging her to keep the relationship (and any money sent) a secret.

He will be encouraging her to think their relationship is special and needs protecting from those who are against them because he's a scammer

My advice - truly, would be to cosy up to him, suggest you accompany your mum to meet him. In fact email him and tell him you are setting up tickets for your mum to meet him as a surprise gift to her. Get all the info you can on him and where they are due to meet and see how fast he vanishes.

rimmerfleadick · 27/08/2011 20:12

Well given he's stated his unit you could contact them.

4th Inf. Div. (Mech) ?IRONHORSE?
4th ID (Fort Carson, Colo.)
Commercial (719) 503-0907

LTC Steve Wollman, PAO
MSG Carmen Daugherty

Click Here to email us:
[email protected]

1st BCT, 4th ID ?RAIDER?
(Afghanistan)

CPT Earl Brown PAO

Original poster
gemdrop84 · 27/08/2011 20:13

Thanks all of you ladies, I have emailed the dating site and reported him, also emailed the address Walton gave me, I will be back with an update as soon as they get back to me. In the meantime I will show this to dm, bless her, shes going to be gutted Sad

OP posts:
cantspel · 27/08/2011 20:18

Have you tried googling the name he is using as often they can a appear on well know scam baiting sites like 419 scam baiter

Red2011 · 27/08/2011 20:20

Such a pity but better to be gutted than to be ripped off for your life savings!

Waltons · 27/08/2011 20:21

I googled the name and it doesn't lead anywhere. A few random folk - tennis player, industrial designer, some bloke in Utah.

Solo · 27/08/2011 20:34

I've had a lot of these men (or whatever!) contacting me recently too. The thing that I noticed was that a lot of them send identical first emails out. They also say 'I will like to get to know you' etc instead of I would like... I went online late the other night and someone I'd had one previous chat with came straight on saying he'd been waiting for me...the next thing was that he was trying to get £90k's worth of stuff out of customs, but he couldn't raise the money to do it. I immediately thought 'here we go!!!' because I ain't stooopid so I asked how much he needed. He said £4700 and he'd get it straight back to me!!! I told him I didn't have any money and would not lend it to him if I did have it. Then I blocked him.

Also had blatant emails from african men telling me how much in love with me they could be and that we could get married blah blah blah...yeah right!!!

Why do these people try (and often succeed) to take advantage of lonely women? it could and does destroy people :( but I'm so glad I'm not gullible.

OP, I hope you can make your Mum see sense before she loses anything more than her heart.

cantspel · 27/08/2011 20:35

Is the name Jeff Miller?

SenSationsMad · 27/08/2011 20:52

This kind of scam just happened to my friend two weeks ago, I posted it on a lone parents thread, if you search dating scam you'll see the thread.

One of the things he did when describing places where he visited/lived was copy and paste from wikipedia. If he's written something which reads a bit to formal, copy the first line and search it on google. The man who scammed my friend took six weeks to "court" her, before asking for money.

Luckily, she found out before investing too much in him. She felt really used and embarassed, but reported him to the dating site and to the police. Fraud squad was mentioned too.

I'm glad your DM has you to look out for her.

solidgoldbrass · 28/08/2011 01:23

There's no outside, imposed protection against gullibility and stupidity. Scammers carry on scamming because there are lots of gullible, stupid people out there. All anyone can do is collect and present evidence to gullible stupid friends and relatives and teach them a little basic common sense and safety.