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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be annoyed at being left to look after DSS

112 replies

Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 14:30

Right this is going to be long....

At the start of the summer holidays DSS's mum asked if he could stay with us for a week as he had asked if he could. DP asked me if I could look after him (he works, I have the holidays off).

I said no I cant because 1. my Dsis has breast cancer and had started chemo, she has two DC(6 and 3) and I need to be able to help her out as much as I can, so there would be no room for DSS if I had her 2, and my own 4 DC and

It would mean I wouldnt be able to go anywhere in the car so would be stuck in if I have her 2. My house is tiny and this would drive us all mad.

So he said ok then. A week later he said he didnt want to turn DSS down so would take a week off to have him. even though this still meant not enough room for DNeice and DNephew I agreed beacuse then at least I could take them out all day and wear(?) them out.

Another week down the line and DP tells me he has a really easy week at work and would it be ok if he went in but he would be home by midday. So I said yes fine, but you have to take them out when you get home from work as they will need to get out, he says yes fine.

Oh I also need to add that I look after my friends DS every tues and thurs morning. We've had this agreement for ages as she helps me out during term time.

So now last week DP tells me he no longer has an easy week at work, that job has been cancelled so he's working normally. Im really angry at this point, but he keeps saying its not his fault.

Now although my Dsis has been ill, I have only been having her 2 once or twice a week and it seems she had been coping fine.

We picked DSS up on friday for the week and on sunday I get a text from my mum saying Dsis is struggling and can I help more. I feel so shitty now as I cant take them both overnight, so have had to say i can take her 3yo for 1 night and her 6yo for two nights this week, and I will have them over during the day as well for a few days. My mum will help but she doesnt have a house(she lives in supported housing) and DNeice and DNephew dont like her much anyway .

So this week I will have 8 kids to look after, its going to be crazy and im not sure i'll cope. I just feel so annoyed that I said no in the begining to looking after DSS myself and that seems to have been ignored.

DP says he cant really take time off sick now as he is leaving that job soon and they'll give him a rubbish reference if he drops them in it.

If he was sorry, or maybe even greatfull that I am helping him out then it wouldnt be so bad, but he just keeps saying its not his fault.

[round of applause if you got to the end]

OP posts:

hayleysd · 22/08/2011 21:07

Actually I am a Childminder and can have upto 12 kids on my insurance, 6 under 8's including my own and 6 over 8's I regularly have 8 ranging from 11 months to 11 years and it's absolutely fine, but I live next to a park so we go there if I've got too many for the car

gingergirl72 · 22/08/2011 21:29

YANBU Your DH is the one who has moved the goal posts. I would be fucking furious!

ChickenLickn · 22/08/2011 21:38

YA sooo NBU!

kick up the bum for your DP. I like the earlier suggestion of heading to your sis house as soon as he gets in, leave him with the 5 kids to look after.

He'll be fine, its only 5 kids, not 8.

And book yourself a holiday!

cricketballs · 22/08/2011 22:58

what size of company does your dh work in? for example, my dh works in a very small company and they deal with breakdowns as well as the normal day to day orders, therefore, it is quite possible that your dh is struggling to have the week through the work situation rather than anything else. In these uncertain times, I would prefer my dh to have a steady income (especially if there were 5 dc to look after) than have a week off

muminthemiddle · 23/08/2011 00:16

Op- You have my sympathy. YANBU to feel annoyed at your dp.
First he says he will have a weeks holiday to look after HIS KIDS. Then he will just help out a little bit at work, ummm ok. Now- He cannot possibly have the time off and the op is left to either cope alone with 8 kids, or let somebody down.
I think most people would feel a bit of resentment or at least feel slightly put out, even if they then agreed to have all the kids.
Either way someone is going to be put out. Now if the ops dp has time off it will be his work who suffer.

lovecat · 23/08/2011 00:33

YANBU OP and I can't believe some of the posters on here blithely ignoring what you've said re. car and your Dsis (I hope everything's going well for her, btw, DH had cancer 15 years ago and I've never seen nor hope to see anyone so ill and wretched the day after the chemo treatment. Unless you've seen it, you have no idea how it takes it out of you).

Your DH deserves a kick up the arse!

ZonkedOut · 23/08/2011 09:34

YANBU, your DP has let you down big time.

On a practical note, can your mum help out during the day? You say she's not great with the DNs by herself, but would it be useful having her around a bit during this week? Does she drive? That could help with getting out further afield too? Or do you have a friend with a child or two that you could plan a joint trip with, and who could drive 1 or 2 of your bunch?

exoticfruits · 23/08/2011 09:40

The point seems to be that DP let you down, he was just as much needed for 4 DCs as 5DCs-DSS really has nothing to do with it.

CarrieOakey · 23/08/2011 09:54

OP I would be pissed off too. It's not fair changing the goal posts and just expecting you to pick up the slack.

I think you're being a bit taken for granted in what sounds like a difficult time what with your sisters health.

Being stuck in the house unable to go anywhere would drive me potty with that many children.

OP I feel for you.

goinnowhere · 23/08/2011 10:11

I'd be going mad. And while you are worried for your sister too. What is dad mum doing this week. It would be nice if she could have sad and some of his siblings

sixpinetrees · 23/08/2011 10:12

I think YANBU. I have offloaded my older dcs onto ILs or friends in order to free up time to help out my SIL/DN when sil was ill and nobody would have given me any grief for it because they are my dcs rather than my dsc. Out of all the 8 dcs the dss is the one who has a realistic alternative place to be so that is why he is being singled out, not because he ranks so lowly in the pecking order. It the circs I would be prioritising my sis and dns over my own dcs.

I think you should spend the nights with your sis either with her dcs or possibly leaving them behind at your house as a bed space will be cleared up by you not being there. Can DH sleep downstairs with the dog?

goinnowhere · 23/08/2011 10:12

Sorry. Should have said could dss mum not have had dss and some of his siblings.

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