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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at being left to look after DSS

112 replies

Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 14:30

Right this is going to be long....

At the start of the summer holidays DSS's mum asked if he could stay with us for a week as he had asked if he could. DP asked me if I could look after him (he works, I have the holidays off).

I said no I cant because 1. my Dsis has breast cancer and had started chemo, she has two DC(6 and 3) and I need to be able to help her out as much as I can, so there would be no room for DSS if I had her 2, and my own 4 DC and

  1. It would mean I wouldnt be able to go anywhere in the car so would be stuck in if I have her 2. My house is tiny and this would drive us all mad.

So he said ok then. A week later he said he didnt want to turn DSS down so would take a week off to have him. even though this still meant not enough room for DNeice and DNephew I agreed beacuse then at least I could take them out all day and wear(?) them out.

Another week down the line and DP tells me he has a really easy week at work and would it be ok if he went in but he would be home by midday. So I said yes fine, but you have to take them out when you get home from work as they will need to get out, he says yes fine.

Oh I also need to add that I look after my friends DS every tues and thurs morning. We've had this agreement for ages as she helps me out during term time.

So now last week DP tells me he no longer has an easy week at work, that job has been cancelled so he's working normally. Im really angry at this point, but he keeps saying its not his fault.

Now although my Dsis has been ill, I have only been having her 2 once or twice a week and it seems she had been coping fine.

We picked DSS up on friday for the week and on sunday I get a text from my mum saying Dsis is struggling and can I help more. I feel so shitty now as I cant take them both overnight, so have had to say i can take her 3yo for 1 night and her 6yo for two nights this week, and I will have them over during the day as well for a few days. My mum will help but she doesnt have a house(she lives in supported housing) and DNeice and DNephew dont like her much anyway Sad .

So this week I will have 8 kids to look after, its going to be crazy and im not sure i'll cope. I just feel so annoyed that I said no in the begining to looking after DSS myself and that seems to have been ignored.

DP says he cant really take time off sick now as he is leaving that job soon and they'll give him a rubbish reference if he drops them in it.

If he was sorry, or maybe even greatfull that I am helping him out then it wouldnt be so bad, but he just keeps saying its not his fault.

[round of applause if you got to the end]

OP posts:
montymum · 22/08/2011 15:28

YANBU if it was agreed that DH would take a week off he should have booked it there and then. Not got to this week and then said he couldn't take it off sick. Sorry to hear about DS sounds like you have a lot home. i hope DH comes home and does all he can to help you this evening. 1 day down only a few to go!

LolaRennt · 22/08/2011 15:31

YNABU, dh needs to help you out. It is his kid- his responsibility.

whoneedssleepanyway · 22/08/2011 15:32

If you were going to have to cope with 7 DCs anyway with having your friends child can you not like an earlier poster suggested, tell your friend you can't have her DC this week and then you will only have the 7 and just do like someone else suggested an have DSS bunk on the floor somewhere?

Tanith · 22/08/2011 15:39

Well, I have had at least 8 children all the summer holidays. The difference is that I am a paid, trained, experienced childminder working with my own DH.

Were the OP in the same job, she'd well overt the registered numbers that OFSTED allow a single childminder working alone to care for.

OP YANBU and I'd be having serious words with your OH tonight.

squeakytoy · 22/08/2011 15:42

YNABU, dh needs to help you out. It is his kid- his responsibility

There are FIVE children that are all his equal responsibility. Not just the stepson. I appreciate he is working, but it sounds like he needs to do a bit more to help out at the moment while OPs sister is ill, if there is no-one else who can give the sister any support.

WondersOfTheWorld · 22/08/2011 15:45

Can I also point out that the sequence in chronological order is important?

Dsis getting helped planned months ago.
Friend dc at home planned months ago (and said friend is relying on OP for work I suppose)
dss at home planned just a few weeks ago.

How bad does it look to cancel arrangements amde months ago? I m,ean leaving poeple to find other arrangements at short notice is hardly looking good is it?

Then Dsis very ill and undergoing chemo. How bad does it look to let her and her dcs down?
If it had been my own dcs, I wuld have given priority to the dcs who are going through such a hard time (ie dsis and her dcs in this case)
1- because it's only a short time and isn't an ongoing arrangement whereby the dss will not get to see his dad/siblings ever
2- because I would go and help the person who needs help the most and in this case that's the dsis.

worraliberty · 22/08/2011 15:45

Why do you need a car to take them out?

How would you cope if you couldn't drive or the car wasn't working?

You'd have to manage then surely?

WondersOfTheWorld · 22/08/2011 15:47

Tanith very good point.

summertimeblews · 22/08/2011 15:49

Were the OP in the same job, she'd well overt the registered numbers that OFSTED allow a single childminder working alone to care for.

so if you have more than x amount of kids naturally, ofsted come and whisk them away Grin. This OP has 5 kids that are her own (she said stepkid is classed as own) - that would probably be too many for a childminder anyway?

Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 15:50

Someone mentioned Parental leave! I think thats a good idea, I will ask him tonight. I think I will also do some swapping over with my mum as suggested, although it cant be very long as she is not great on her own.

I really do not have the room for two kids on the floor even. All the upstairs space is taken, and they cant sleep downstairs as we have a dog who wouldnt let them sleep.

OP posts:
juneau · 22/08/2011 15:52

YANBU. I'd tear my hair out with seven kids in the house, but I fail to see why you have to have your niece and nephew to stay this week if you're so busy. Surely your sister and mother could cope between them for a few days? Doesn't your sister have friends who could help her out? Or the kids go and stay a night with friends of theirs? It's only for a week, FGS.

hester · 22/08/2011 15:53

OP, I think you've had an unfair reception on this thread - I think there's been a bit of a kneejerk reaction and you've got the line that is so often given to stepmothers on here.

FWIW, I completely see how stressed out you are feeling by the week (8 kids! it would do my head in), how guilty/upset you must be feeling about your sister, and how let down by your dh.

Is there a history to this? Do you often feel your dh is taking you for granted? Because that's the sense I'm getting from your posts.

fedupofnamechanging · 22/08/2011 16:09

I'm another one who says YANBU. I think that the kids whose mother has cancer and whose dad has committed suicide need to be prioritised here. Can you imagine just how stressful and awful her sisters life must be right now?

The OP is obliged to look after her friends dc -it's in exchange for help given during the term time. The OP would be wrong to renege on a long standing deal that perhaps her friend relies on.

The OP said right at the start that she couldn't look after her DSS and her husband has taken fuck all notice and dumped him on her anyway. Of course you should treat step children equally, but DSS did not need to stay this week - he has a mother who could look after him and in the end, it is his parents job to look after him not the OP's.

OP, I would tell my husband to take parental leave or go sick or ring his ex and arrange for DSS to go home until he can book proper time off to help out.

Make sure DSS knows that you love him tons but that you need to be there for your sisters dc this week and you would love to have him come for an extra week when you can give him lots of your undivided attention.

BigHairyGruffalo · 22/08/2011 16:14

YANBU! You agreed to help your sister and she needs you now. It makes a massive difference to be able to take them out and I don't believe that your DP has basically prioritised his son having a 'holiday' at your house (without him there anyway!) over your sister's chemo!

HappyMummyOfOne · 22/08/2011 16:15

I dont get the issue with the DSS, its your husbands child so why should he not be able to stay when he likes. He should be treated the same as the other 4 not to be made to feel like an add on when it suits you.

Yes your Dsis may need help so help her and tell your friend you cant have her children - your DSS should be priority the same as your own children.

BigHairyGruffalo · 22/08/2011 16:20

I think that the children whose Mum is having chemo should be the priority at the moment. The children should understand that, if not, might be time for a lesson in compassion. I can't imagine that the DSS is self-centered enough to take this to heart once it had been explained to him (only applies if this had been explained in advance. Now he is here, the OP's DP should really start pulling his weight)

whoneedssleepanyway · 22/08/2011 16:33

OP - just seen about your DSis' DH committing suicide...I think you have to prioritise DNiece&Nephew...those poor kids, perhaps you could arrange for DSS to do the rest of his stay another time and plan some stuff to make up for the change in plans...

hester · 22/08/2011 16:40

Of course DSS should be given equal priority with the other dc. I'm guessing though that if OP could send her own dc off to a kindly relative this week she may be doing just that...

She is desperately trying to find a workable solution to a very difficult problem. I think it's harsh to read into this that she's treating one of the dc as an inconvenience. Frankly, they're ALL an inconvenience this week.

cera1980 · 22/08/2011 16:47

Yes I do think you're being unreasonable.

Your DH must be delighted that his own child actually wants to spend extra time with him, he is not an inconvenience, you must have known he had a child when he met him and therefor accepted him as part of a 'package'. Yes it's lovely that you want to help your sister out and I'm sure that she appreciates the help, but I really can't see the difference between having 6 children or 7.

Tbh you're attitude makes me think that you believe that as your DSS is your husbands child, that you think your DH should be there to entertain him.

KAZAMM · 22/08/2011 17:06

your DH's employer is not allowed to give a bad reference so definitely tell him that when you mention parental leave to him. I think you need to stress to him how much help from him you need. Hope your sister feels better soon. What a terrible year for her.

choccybox · 22/08/2011 17:08

Would you sne dyour own children away to make room for DS children? I'm sure you would just squeeze them in with your own.

DSS is part of the family and should be welcome whenever as you would expect with you own

YABU

choccybox · 22/08/2011 17:09

That's Dsis children, abbreviations eh!

CotesduRhone · 22/08/2011 17:17

YANBU, this isn't anything to do with whose children take 'priority' (and under the circumstances your sister's children do, as has been said this could be a valuable lesson in compassion for all concerned), it is to do with the fact that your husband has made promises that he has not kept, and his job is being looked upon as more important than your combined family.

He should take parental leave. And you're a brave woman, I couldn't do it. I have no idea why you're getting such a pasting.

hester · 22/08/2011 17:27

I read it as about opportunity, not priority. There is an opportunity for dss not to come this week, as he has a parent elsewhere. If OP had the same opportunity with some of the other children, she may well take it - if, for example, her friend decided not to send her dc, or if a grandparent offered to take her two biological dcs, then I'm sure she'd leap at the chance.

Is that right, OP?

hester · 22/08/2011 17:30

Actually, this is what I really feel about this thread: it's one of those where you can choose to give the OP the benefit of the doubt, or not. Is she under incredible stress and pressure (not to mention grief) and appalling let down by her dp, or is she just one of those stepmothers who doesn't really accept her dss' place within the family?

She's in a horrible situation, and I see no good evidence not to give her the benefit of the doubt myself. God forbid I should ever end up in a similar situation, because I wouldn't know what way to turn.