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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at being left to look after DSS

112 replies

Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 14:30

Right this is going to be long....

At the start of the summer holidays DSS's mum asked if he could stay with us for a week as he had asked if he could. DP asked me if I could look after him (he works, I have the holidays off).

I said no I cant because 1. my Dsis has breast cancer and had started chemo, she has two DC(6 and 3) and I need to be able to help her out as much as I can, so there would be no room for DSS if I had her 2, and my own 4 DC and

  1. It would mean I wouldnt be able to go anywhere in the car so would be stuck in if I have her 2. My house is tiny and this would drive us all mad.

So he said ok then. A week later he said he didnt want to turn DSS down so would take a week off to have him. even though this still meant not enough room for DNeice and DNephew I agreed beacuse then at least I could take them out all day and wear(?) them out.

Another week down the line and DP tells me he has a really easy week at work and would it be ok if he went in but he would be home by midday. So I said yes fine, but you have to take them out when you get home from work as they will need to get out, he says yes fine.

Oh I also need to add that I look after my friends DS every tues and thurs morning. We've had this agreement for ages as she helps me out during term time.

So now last week DP tells me he no longer has an easy week at work, that job has been cancelled so he's working normally. Im really angry at this point, but he keeps saying its not his fault.

Now although my Dsis has been ill, I have only been having her 2 once or twice a week and it seems she had been coping fine.

We picked DSS up on friday for the week and on sunday I get a text from my mum saying Dsis is struggling and can I help more. I feel so shitty now as I cant take them both overnight, so have had to say i can take her 3yo for 1 night and her 6yo for two nights this week, and I will have them over during the day as well for a few days. My mum will help but she doesnt have a house(she lives in supported housing) and DNeice and DNephew dont like her much anyway Sad .

So this week I will have 8 kids to look after, its going to be crazy and im not sure i'll cope. I just feel so annoyed that I said no in the begining to looking after DSS myself and that seems to have been ignored.

DP says he cant really take time off sick now as he is leaving that job soon and they'll give him a rubbish reference if he drops them in it.

If he was sorry, or maybe even greatfull that I am helping him out then it wouldnt be so bad, but he just keeps saying its not his fault.

[round of applause if you got to the end]

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 22/08/2011 15:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onehellofaride · 22/08/2011 15:05

OP if I were you I would be pissed off too!

ObiWan · 22/08/2011 15:06

You need to start thinking in term of there being 5 Dc in your family.

If after that you can't afford to take on your sisters/friends children, then your sister and her family need to sort that out for themselves.

Surely her children have uncles/aunts/grandparents/friends other than you?

Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 15:06

The father committed suicide in January. My mother does go and help with the DC but its still not a break for my Dsis as they will not really listen to my mum.

I can only take 6 children out, I have a 7 seater, I would only not be able to go out on a tuesday and thursday morning. With DSS I can not go out at all.

OP posts:
OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 22/08/2011 15:08

I think some posters here are being a bit harsh on the OP. Of course a stepson should be treated equally. It seems to me the problem here is less about having the DSS than the OP's other half first saying he'd take the week off and help, then reduced that to half days, and now says he can't help at all.

Meanwhile regardless of 'whose' DC we're talking about, the OP is left looking after 8 DC, which is too many to fit in the car, and is now unable to be as supportive to her sister than she'd like to be. In that situation, I don't think it's quite fair to paint the OP as the wicked stepmother.

Bestb411pm · 22/08/2011 15:08

What are the age ranges of the kids? Could you not split them into groups having your mum watch one at home while you take the others out and then swop over?

HeadfirstForHalos · 22/08/2011 15:08

I agree, one extra child won't make any difference. I have 4 dc, have been regularly having my friends 2 for the day, my next door neighbours dd for the day. Does your local bus company have any family offers for the summer holidays? Ours does a family day ticket(up to 3 dc) for £4.60. I get one of those and 2 extra child tickets, 2 are free as under 5. It takes more organising but I've taken them out alone regularly for whole days- kids club at the vue in the morning, picnic at the park and then the afternoon at the park.

I give them jobs to do at home too, they surprisingly like helping.Also the older ones like playing school and mums and dads with the younger ones. Failing that a few days of cbeebies and dvds won't be the end of the world.

With families shit happens sometimes and you just have to get on with it tbh. I hope your dsis gets through her chemo okay, another good friend have just finished her treatment for cervical cancer, she's already getting tonnes of energy back after just over a week that she couldn't have dreamt of before :)

Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 15:09

There is no one else but me. My father lives in Wales and is coming at the wkend as I am going on my hen wkend. The children paternal side of the family dont want anything to do with the children because of circustances around the suicide.

OP posts:
ballstoit · 22/08/2011 15:09

YABU. DSS you are saying you didnt want him to stay, because you are moaning that now your DN/N cant stay now. What I dont get is why this makes a difference? Are you saying that in your tiny house you have 2 spare beds?

You didnt want to have him, the reason for that is not his fault. You have my every sympathy with regards to the situation with your DSis, and I hope she gets better soon. But I think you're making it into a bigger deal than it is. If you want DN & N to stay, let them. Make your DP up a hard, uncomfortable cosy bed on the floor, and point out that you need a decent nights sleep to prepare you for dealing with 8 DC alone tomorrow.

Bestb411pm · 22/08/2011 15:09

Oh and make it clear to DH that it sucks for him having to work since he will be in charge from the second he gets home till he leaves for work the next morning.

HeadfirstForHalos · 22/08/2011 15:09

has not have

Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 15:10

I do think of our family as having 5 DC, but DSS visits on certain days and has done all of his life, there has never been an exception, so im sorry that I did not prepare for him staying an extra week when I promised my Dsis I would help her as much as she needs

OP posts:
HeadfirstForHalos · 22/08/2011 15:11

Yes your dh has to pull his weight(and more!) when he gets home from work.

switchtvoffdosomelessboring · 22/08/2011 15:12

Is there no local parks that you can walk to? Or even you could drive the younger ones and the older ones could cycle (you could even drive along side them).

Or even get a bus or train, i'm sure it the journey be an adventure for them anyway.

Tanith · 22/08/2011 15:12

I think your thread title is probably irritating some posters because it sounds as though it's your DSS that you resent.

The issue, as I see it, is not your DSS - didn't you say he's already there now? - but your DH backing out of his promise to take a week off to help out.
DSS is his son so why isn't he taking time to be with him? Why is DH leaving you to cope with 8 kids at what is obviously a very stressful time?

I would get your DH to take a week off, then go to your sisters and leave him to cope with his own kids - see how he likes it!

OTheHugeRaveningWolef · 22/08/2011 15:14

What Tanith said. In your position, OP, I'd be livid with your DH for saying he'd be around to help out and then bailing like this.

Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 15:14

I am going to look after all 8 children, this isnt in question, so yes I will organise fun things and such like, that isnt the problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 15:16

Tanith yes he is already here and I have had fun so far with them all, but it IS hard and DH was the one who agreed to DSS staying during this week and now he is taking non of the responsibilty.

OP posts:
Sofabitch · 22/08/2011 15:16

I would be annoyed that dh had said he would take the week off to help. And then to not do it is out of order. It would be annoying but I'd just make a massive bed in the lounge and have them all camp out. Just remember to need to go out somewhere Important when dh gets home.

porcamiseria · 22/08/2011 15:17

hmm

I feel sorry for the DSS

sisters kids, no problem
mates kids, no problem
DSS, issue

can you see how it reads? I feel sorry for the boy. why are your friends kids higher in the peching order than your husbands son?

I hope things go OK with your sister, but its seems really odd that your mates kids come higher in the pecking order than your husbans son TBH

whoneedssleepanyway · 22/08/2011 15:19

You can't not have DSS now as he is there and has been promised he can stay for the week.

You DNiece and Nephew have not been promised to stay.

It is really shitty you can't help your sister our more this week but if you genuinely don't have the space and can't cope with 2 more kids I don't see that there is much you can do.....

I am kind of with the others in the "is there really a big difference between 7 or 8 DCs"...

Your DH's employer is not allowed to give him a bad reference, he can give no reference but not a bad one....I think really your DH should try to take one or two days parental leave to help you out.

Takitezee · 22/08/2011 15:19

I'm going against the grain and saying YANBU. You haven't said anything negative about your stepson, it's your husband who has pissed your. I think being able to get out when you have children together for long periods of time makes a huge difference.

I wouldn't be speaking to MrT if he did this to me.

DilysPrice · 22/08/2011 15:19

I'd offload the friend's child - tell her that due to your DS's illness you are desperately overstretched and can she please find alternative childcare for this week. Family comes first in this case.

WondersOfTheWorld · 22/08/2011 15:20

God you lot seem to be really good at looking after 7~8 children.

Because I would be completely overwhelmed by that! Even for a week.

I think people are getting on their high horse too quiclky here. This sin't a normal situation. It is a situation where the OP's sister is very ill and having chemo. This treatment can be very very hard to cope with. She has 2 dcs who must be very worried (because they must have picked up that their mum isn't well).
So the Op has tried to prioritized who is getting her help (maybe as some people put it her choices might not have been the best - I am personnaly not sure what I would do). I can't see anything worng with that.

However, her H agreed to it before changing his plans to accomodate his Ds (great) and changing them again twice so all the responsability lies now on the OP. And for that YANBU to be upset. As far as I am concerned I would have expected her H to find a way to deal with the dss (as he had organized for him to come over) or with the DNs/friend dc.
I also believe he shouldn't have made such arrangement if he wasn't sure this souwl be OK (either take some hols, working half days etc...) when he knew he could have his hands tied as he is planning the leave said company.

As for the gran mother who is in supported housingas a help to look after 8 kids or to look after 2 dcs on her own Hmm. Maybe she is in suported housing for a reason??

Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 15:21

DSS is not a problem! Its the fact I can no longer have my DN's, like I promised months ago. Yes it is a higher prioity that I help my Dsis recover than DSS having a week here as he quite fancies it(nothing wrong with that in normal circumstances at all) Mates DC is not a problem as he is not staying over and its only a short time

OP posts:
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