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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed at being left to look after DSS

112 replies

Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 14:30

Right this is going to be long....

At the start of the summer holidays DSS's mum asked if he could stay with us for a week as he had asked if he could. DP asked me if I could look after him (he works, I have the holidays off).

I said no I cant because 1. my Dsis has breast cancer and had started chemo, she has two DC(6 and 3) and I need to be able to help her out as much as I can, so there would be no room for DSS if I had her 2, and my own 4 DC and

  1. It would mean I wouldnt be able to go anywhere in the car so would be stuck in if I have her 2. My house is tiny and this would drive us all mad.

So he said ok then. A week later he said he didnt want to turn DSS down so would take a week off to have him. even though this still meant not enough room for DNeice and DNephew I agreed beacuse then at least I could take them out all day and wear(?) them out.

Another week down the line and DP tells me he has a really easy week at work and would it be ok if he went in but he would be home by midday. So I said yes fine, but you have to take them out when you get home from work as they will need to get out, he says yes fine.

Oh I also need to add that I look after my friends DS every tues and thurs morning. We've had this agreement for ages as she helps me out during term time.

So now last week DP tells me he no longer has an easy week at work, that job has been cancelled so he's working normally. Im really angry at this point, but he keeps saying its not his fault.

Now although my Dsis has been ill, I have only been having her 2 once or twice a week and it seems she had been coping fine.

We picked DSS up on friday for the week and on sunday I get a text from my mum saying Dsis is struggling and can I help more. I feel so shitty now as I cant take them both overnight, so have had to say i can take her 3yo for 1 night and her 6yo for two nights this week, and I will have them over during the day as well for a few days. My mum will help but she doesnt have a house(she lives in supported housing) and DNeice and DNephew dont like her much anyway Sad .

So this week I will have 8 kids to look after, its going to be crazy and im not sure i'll cope. I just feel so annoyed that I said no in the begining to looking after DSS myself and that seems to have been ignored.

DP says he cant really take time off sick now as he is leaving that job soon and they'll give him a rubbish reference if he drops them in it.

If he was sorry, or maybe even greatfull that I am helping him out then it wouldnt be so bad, but he just keeps saying its not his fault.

[round of applause if you got to the end]

OP posts:
MajorB · 22/08/2011 17:31

I think YANBU for the simple fact that your DSS asked to stay with you, presumably so he could see some more of his dad, and then your DH disappears for the week when he said he would be at home.

Regardless of what other children are or aren't in the house, I think it's sad that a father who doesn't live with his child has the opportunity to spend a week with his son and decides against it.

Am very Sad for your DSS, and your poor DSiS.

I hope you continue to have the strength to support your extended family.

diddl · 22/08/2011 17:33

All else aside, what is the point of OPs husband being at work fulltime when his son is visiting?Confused

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 17:33

OP I'd be as pissed off as you are.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 17:47

I can see that you have your hands full, and fully understand that you want to support your sister, but if you are living with DP you seem to have failed to understand that you have 5 DCs and not 4 DCs-one of them apppears to be a second class citizen in the family.

SuchProspects · 22/08/2011 17:52

What MajorB said.

Though I'm a bit confused by your earlier comment that
"I said that I could not cope in having to look after an extra DC with all that is going on, not that he couldn't stay."
and then
"Its the fact I can no longer have my DN's, like I promised months ago. Yes it is a higher priority that I help my Dsis recover than DSS having a week here as he quite fancies it (nothing wrong with that in normal circumstances at all) Mates DC is not a problem as he is not staying over and its only a short time"

Parental leave wouldn't sort out the sleeping situation but would help with the adult child ratio. Not having your friend's DC would also help with this a little.

You sound a bit overwhelmed by it all to be honest (and I'm not surprised, you have an awful lot going on) and like it's a bit much for you and your DP isn't providing any real support.

Really I would tell your DH you need more hands on support that week, that he ought to be there when his DS is and if he isn't then you need to get in a nanny with a car for a day or two to help. And cancel your friend's DC. You have enough on your plate.

SuchProspects · 22/08/2011 17:55

...wouldn't help out with the child / Adult ratio.

Marne · 22/08/2011 18:09

Sounds like a tricky situation, i can see both sides, you are under a lot of stress, your sis needs help with her dc's but dss also needs/wants to spend the week, you dh is being a bit of a knob by messing you around with work hours, he should have said 'no' or booked holiday for a few days so he could help you out. As for the child you look after one day a week, i would explain to the mother that you can not do it this week, i'm sure she will understand that you have a lot on your plate.

I know it will be a pain and you wont be able to go anywhere but could you not entertain all of the children at home?? Surely having that many children together they can entertain each other> its not going to do them any harm staying in. I know its very tough and stressful but i think you will have to ride it out, get dh to pull a sicky for one of the days so you can give your sis some extra help (he owes you that much).

DharmaLovesDraco · 22/08/2011 18:24

I bet you're glad you asked now, nothing like a load of crap from a bunch of strangers about what a wicked stepmother you are Hmm

Fwiw I don't think yabu, you were asked first if it was ok, said it wasn't for clearly stated reasons, your dh said that he could come and he would take time off to help and hasn't. You have been left to deal with it all, and whilst I don't believe that one extra child would make that much difference it has clearly meant that you can't have your dsis's children overnight (if I read that properly)

Between your DH, you and the ex you could have explained things to your dss in such a way that he wouldn't feel unwanted etc and could stay at a later date. The situation with dss had not been arranged in advance like the other's had and I for one would not have let anyone else down by accomodating dss. It's just one of those lessons that all kids have to learn - they can't automatically have everything they want Wink

I hope your sister gets better soon x

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 18:28

ITs only 2 mornings a week you will have 8, I am sure that there are plenty of things to do in your local area that do not require a car. There are parks, ponds for duck feeding, Play Association run 1 morning a week of activities in our local park, and we have a Surestart Center nearby with acitivities, all within walking distance that don't require the use of a car. Why don't you look at things from a more positive light, and think of other things you could do, instead of being negative. Like others have said, your DSS is part of your family too, and its his right to stay with his dad, of course he does not know what a struggle it is for you, he is a child and should not be expected too. You don't want to make him feel bad for your DP cock up do you!

So plaster a smile on your face, be positive and find out what you can do locally without a car. I am sure that the older kids will help with the younger ones, at least you don't have 8 preschoolers.

clam · 22/08/2011 18:35

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. 8 children to look after is a lot - particularly when your H has reneged on his part of the deal with little or no apology or acknowledgement for landing you in it.

exoticfruits · 22/08/2011 19:17

DP has her 4 DCs most of the time-it seems strange that his DS is less equal and being treated as a visitor and not a member of the family.

Fontsnob · 22/08/2011 19:27

YANBU for being pissed off with your DP for saying he would be home to help and for him to let you down and leave you with 8 kids. I'd be pissed off too! YANBU for being pissed off at not being able to help your Dsis when she really needs the help at a difficult time.
YABU for expecting much support on MN as step mum always equals Evil witch who locks the step kids in a cupboard and doesn't feed them anything except worms.
Hope you cope this week!

FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 19:35

Tell the mother that your circumstances are changed and you cannot have her.

Original poster
Jennytailia · 22/08/2011 19:37

DSS is NOT being treated like a visitor, he is having a lovely time and has no idea any of this is going on.

I have had some lovely replies! Thank you.

Having DP at home wouldn't help with the sleeping arrangements no, but it would mean I could have DN's from morning until night, which is what I am doimg tomorrow an all week I think, but it does mean I can't go out anywhere really. So it's going to be a HUGE struggle and one that could've been avoided if DP hadn't gone back on his word.

Also I am looking at sending my older DC to their friends if they'll have them to try and help.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 22/08/2011 19:38

Id go balistic at your husband and tell him he is a selfish son of a bitch.

MrsGaff · 22/08/2011 19:48

Your DP sounds like a selfish arse and YANBU to be extremely peed off with him.

ReindeerBollocks · 22/08/2011 19:52

YANBU - you have said DSS is very much welcomed, except during this one week when you have prioritised your sister and her two DCs (who need as much family support as they can get). Surely the DSS could have stayed any other week during th six week holidays?

Plus, this has only happened because OP's DH organised it on the basis that he would be there to help. He isn't. He failed on his promise to his son (and OP), which has left OP swamped.

OP - i would go ballistic. I am sure that you care very much about DSS, but being asked to care for him full time, during this one week was too much. It was unfair of your husband to put you in this position.

TheProvincialLady · 22/08/2011 19:58

YANBU in the slightest. Your DH wants a massive kick up the arse, for putting you in this position. How can he live with himself, knowing that he is reducing your capacity to help your sister who has cancer, and her children who have lost their father and have a very ill mother?Sad He has forced this situation on all of you and the only person it doesn't impact on much is HIM.

As to those of you who are fretting over the DSS and his place within the family - it is one week of his life. I am sure that if he has a good relationship with his father he would understand, in the years to come, why he could not visit at this particular time. Instead of which he is going to be an extra child at an unwelcome and difficult time. Don't try and make out that any of this is the OP's fault because that is not true.

ReindeerBollocks · 22/08/2011 20:02

That's what I don't understand too TPL, the holidays are six weeks long.

Why did it have to be this week, knowing what OP had already prearranged.
I bet OP would have welcomed DSS happily in any of the other five weeks

MuddlingMackem · 22/08/2011 20:18

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable.

The only solution I can think of is that the moment your DP walks in the door, you head off and spend the night at your sister's with her and the kids. I know it's not as good for her as having the peace and quiet of the house to herself, but at least there'd be someone else there to do the evening meal, kids bedtimes, getting them up in the morning, etc. Then you could bring them to your house in the morning in time for your DP to go to work.

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 22/08/2011 20:36

I love the fact that some posters are ignoring the fact that your selfish twat of a DP has gone back on his word to you.

YANBU

MuddlingMackem · 22/08/2011 20:52

Just to clarify, when I said 'the kids' I meant only your sister's two kids. Obviously leave the other 5 for your DP to do the evening meal, bedtime, etc for. Grin

IHeartKingThistle · 22/08/2011 20:54

YANBU at all. You're having to handle all those children plus the guilt of not being able to help your sister. Your DP has totally dropped you in it.

I can't believe the rough reception you've had here. You've said nothing negative about your DSS at all.

Really hope it all works out Smile

limetrees · 22/08/2011 21:04

OP - are you able to put some of the children into a holiday club/something similar.

I think YANBU. 8 children is one hell of an ask and if you were a childminder wanting to do this, it probably wouldn't be legal.

Your DP should have kept his promise to have leave from work and should have helped you take care of all these children.

I hope your sister gets better soon.

hayleysd · 22/08/2011 21:05

YABU why should dss be less of a priority than YOUR kids, you are a family regardless of whose kids they are