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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

feeling unreasonably miffed that they didnt even send a text. tell me to shut up.

50 replies

InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 08:36

I know aibu and petty and a bit childish, but i fancied a rant (and a kick up the jacksie to pull me out of my sulk )
Have 2 best friends. Go back years. They both have 2 dc (ages between 14 and 4).
Dh and i had massive fertility problems, - 10 years of ttc, 3 rounds of ivf and finally were blessed with ds 2 years ago.
For the last 14 years, i have never missed one of their kids' birthdays. Never. Always bought presents and cards and always hand-delivered so i could see the dc on their birthdays. Always been referred to as "the best 'auntie' a dc could wish for)
sometimes it was fekkin hard, but i was just glad to be part of their lives.
So my ds turned 2 yesterday. Nothing from either of them. No card, no present, no text. They both knew it was his birthday, and they both knew we'd be in during the afternoon, but neither marked it in anyway and i'm, frankly, pissed off.
Not even on ds's behalf. He had a great day, and i'm so grateful to everyone who did make it special and made the effort, and i'm just so thankful to finally have him here- but fourteen years!!!
You don't give to receive, blablabla....but i reckon we're owed a bit of sodding birthday payback! Even if just a card!!!!
right, now im off to do something not petty and stop bring offended over triviality- but thanks for reading. Just needed to get it off my chest! :)

OP posts:
Mitmoo · 22/08/2011 08:38

Hope you feel better x

Callisto · 22/08/2011 08:39

YANBU, but can I just put it from the other side - I'm utterly hopeless at remembering birthdays and my BF has had years of late presents from me for her and her two children. I adore all three and luckily she overlooks my crapness in this area. Perhaps your DS's present is in the post?

GilbonzoTheSecretPsych0Duck · 22/08/2011 08:40

YNBU! You're right, you don't give to receive. But if you're willing to receive you should give. Happy birthday to your ds for yesterday Smile

Grumpla · 22/08/2011 08:41

Actually, I don't think YAB that U.
However, they are almost certainly completely unaware how upset you are. They are your friends - can you tell them that you felt a bit hurt? Seething resentfully Is never good!

Smallstuff · 22/08/2011 08:42

Personally I don't think YABU... I feel your pain.
My brother never remembers my DCs birthdays yet I always make the effort for his DC (after all it's not the DC fault!).
But I have realised some people are 'rememberers' and some people are 'forgetters' that's just the way it is. no point stressing about it. The DC don't actually care!

Pagwatch · 22/08/2011 08:43

I was the last one of my eight sibling to have dc. I literally was 'the best auntie' and from the age of 19 through to when I was 31 I bought all of my dozen plus nephews and nieces gifts for birthdays and Xmas.
I had mine and I got no presents for any of their birthdays except from two sisters.
The others all said 'we don't do that anymore' Hmm

I bet they regret that now Grin

You just have to shrug and let it go. They don't mean it as a snub. People are just self centres.
They should have remembered. But you are right to let it go.

TheMagnificentBathykolpian · 22/08/2011 08:45

It's not nice when people don't make the effort to remember.

How hard is it to get a calendar, or diary, and at the start of every year - transfer all the birthdays etc into it.

I can't keep a list of people's birthdays in my head - that's why I write them down. Pretty hard to miss a birthday if there's a calendar hanging in your kitchen with X's BIRTHDAY written on it!

It's not rocket science! There's no excuse for not remembering and I think it's lazy of your friends.

BalloonSlayer · 22/08/2011 08:46

Sympathy . . . I know this happens when you are the last one to have the children in a social group.

When my DSis had her DD, her DD was the focus of the entire family for years and years . . . my DCs hardly seem to get a look in (although of course people remember their birthdays).

In one of my sets of friends, the DCs of the first one of us to have them got really fussed over, we all trooped miles to their Christenings etc. Now we have all got children, the first-friend-to-have-DCs hardly bothers with the others' DCs at all, doesn't come to Christenings, never remembers birthdays etc. Pisses me right off when I remember all the effort I put in with hers.

I think people get bored with the "young children" thing, but think that the reason their friends fussed over their children when they were young was not because they were being polite and suppressing their boredom, but because their DCs were so wonderful and fascinating at that age.

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 08:47

Oh thanks! You're all being very gentle, and i know i sound bitter. They didn't forget. I spoke to them both earlier in the week about his birthday, and they knew we'd be in during the afternoon. Also, (they both live their lives on facebook) i know neither of them were busy yesterday, and in fact- one of them has just put a fb message on my wall saying "hope ds had a nice day"
maybe she's a mumsnetter...,?
I think i might mention it, you know. Next time i see them...

OP posts:
scaryfairy28 · 22/08/2011 08:48

Yanbu I'd be the same!

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 08:50

And i did laugh (in a hollow and bitter way) about five years ago, when it was announced that "we're not doing christmas presents for each other any more- we'll just get the dcs something) that's fine. If you have dc!! I demanded a present for my dog that first year!
Now we have ds, even that's stopped!

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 22/08/2011 08:53

"I spoke to them both earlier in the week about his birthday, and they knew we'd be in during the afternoon."

They deserve a one way ticket to Guiltsville, Guiltifornia for that then!

Dozer · 22/08/2011 08:53

Sorry, but YABU.

Of course it's nice if people remember, but kids' birthdays are not really that much of a big deal to anyone other than parents and close family. All those years of you buying gifts etc for them was your choice, not anything they pressured you to do.

None of my mates without kids and some with kids get mine stuff for their birthdays, or remember, and that's fine. I remember to send cards some, but not all, of the time.

Poshbaggirl · 22/08/2011 08:54

I'm a forgetter i'm affraid, still love my friends and family. Dont expect them to remember either. Bigger things to fret about.

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 08:59

I know, dozer. And i'm not even annoyed on his behalf- he's not bothered! He got loads of attention. I'm just put out for myself, as a friend. Especially as it was one of their dc's birthdays two weeks ago, and he had a party we weren't invited to (he's 7, so no problem) but we still went round with a card and gift!
Bah!
Right. Gonna shut up and get a life now.
And i won't tell them, on reflection. Tis enough that i've ranted here :)

OP posts:
anewyear · 22/08/2011 09:00

Was my birthday & wedding anniversary yesteday too,

I received some lovley cards from my side of the family and a very close friend Smile
I had a phone call from MIL Saturday morning saying she had forgotten my birthday (never mentioned our anniversaryHmm ) she thought it was on the 12th??
One friend managed too get a card in the post.. hey ho

On the bright side, both my boys (9&12) went to the village shop and spent some pocket money on birthday cards for me and Chocolate Buttons. Grin

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 09:06

Happy birthday and anniversary anewyear :-)
My dh's side of the family always forget my birthday- it's the date in between my mil's and my bil's. It's like they've only got space in their memories for two birthdays in that week! I just find it funny after 15 years!
Last year it was my bil 's 30th and they had the party on my birthday, and still forgot! The whole family!.
I know i sound a bit spoilt, but i just wanted to demonstrate im not precious about birthdays in general- just annoyed with my friends! :)

OP posts:
purplepidjin · 22/08/2011 09:13

Birthdays are about the child, not the adult. So actually it's spectacularly rude to forget a child's birthday.

I will be spending time this week making cake and cake pops for DNephew. That's the child of my boyfriend's sister. That's because he is someone I care about, and I will make an effort to make a fuss of him.

I don't understand why people say an adult is unreasonable to want to enjoy having one day of the year when other people have to think of them Confused especially parents, who spend so much time thinking of others!

anewyear · 22/08/2011 09:21

Thanx InWithTheInCrowd Smile
Would also like to add my mum was in hospital all weekend, she came home about 6ish last night, she has been very worried about the operation she was to have.
She, even thro her worry, got me a card, and a gift to open on my birthday.

Will see her today and take lunch with me.

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 09:29

I would not bother or make as much effort, especially if you were not invited to their party 2 weeks ago. I guess they don't do birthdays, they included then. It does sound from your op that they are takers not givers. If they are

HipHopOpotomus · 22/08/2011 10:03

YANBU to be miffed.
However did you invite them over and if not why not? I take it you didn't have a party, fine. But you've said a couple of times they knew you were home in the afternoon, so did you invite them to pop in for tea and cake perhaps? I know folk in this country tend to find friends popping in uninvited the height of rudeness.

BlueKangaroo22 · 22/08/2011 10:14

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all! You made a special effort for their children so why can they simply not be bothered for yours, it's just lazy in my opinion, I always remember to send cards and on the odd occasion I forget, I feel awful and always phone/text whoever it is and wish them a happy birthday that way which they always appreciate it.

I remember getting similarly upset on my birthday 5 weeks before I was due to give birth, I was in hospital having had to have steroid injections due to them thinking I was going to go into labour (thankfully I didn't) my dad didn't call, text or send a card. I was so annoyed, it was unfortunetly the last in a long line of him basically being a waste of space (my mom did warn me!) never bothered asking me if i needed anything for baby, or buying anything at all. Not that he had to, but my mom managed to bring an entire box of stuff round which was a massive help.
Sorry this has turned into the wrong kind of rant but you get my point, it doesn't take much to either buy a card which costs a minimum of 40p in most card shops, or 10p for a text!

EssexGurl · 22/08/2011 10:30

YANBU. I am like you, always remember birthdays and send presents/cards/texts. I get a calendar from my mum for Xmas (tradition - we always give one to each other) and I spend the morning of 1 January writing all birthdays/anniversaries on. It is not hard. But other people always seem to be so laid back over the whole thing. I got a text today from one 'friend' asking when DS's birthday was. Um, it was last week. I wasn't sure, came the reply, as we hadn't had a birthday party invite, so assumed it wasn't for a week or so. Um, we didnt' have a party as it is school holidays, as I had mentioned before school broke up.

HarlotOTara · 22/08/2011 10:38

Actually YANBU, I think it is very bad manners to forget close friend and family birthdays, particularly if others are remembered. I don't think forgetting is a good enough reason and it makes the non-recipient feel they don't matter. That is why we have calendars (and sodding facebook is vry good as a reminder now). I would send all the forgetters around you a calendar for Christmas (with relevant dates written in Grin}

Original poster
InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 10:39

It's a minefield isn't it, this dc birthday thing. Hiphop, i did mention to one friend that she could bring the boys over in the afternoon if they were free, but they had a picnic already planned, and i know the other friend was spending the day with her dp on a rare day off for him, while her dc were at their dad's.
Oh it really is no biggie, but i do feel as though they should have sent a card!

OP posts: