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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

feeling unreasonably miffed that they didnt even send a text. tell me to shut up.

50 replies

InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 08:36

I know aibu and petty and a bit childish, but i fancied a rant (and a kick up the jacksie to pull me out of my sulk )
Have 2 best friends. Go back years. They both have 2 dc (ages between 14 and 4).
Dh and i had massive fertility problems, - 10 years of ttc, 3 rounds of ivf and finally were blessed with ds 2 years ago.
For the last 14 years, i have never missed one of their kids' birthdays. Never. Always bought presents and cards and always hand-delivered so i could see the dc on their birthdays. Always been referred to as "the best 'auntie' a dc could wish for)
sometimes it was fekkin hard, but i was just glad to be part of their lives.
So my ds turned 2 yesterday. Nothing from either of them. No card, no present, no text. They both knew it was his birthday, and they both knew we'd be in during the afternoon, but neither marked it in anyway and i'm, frankly, pissed off.
Not even on ds's behalf. He had a great day, and i'm so grateful to everyone who did make it special and made the effort, and i'm just so thankful to finally have him here- but fourteen years!!!
You don't give to receive, blablabla....but i reckon we're owed a bit of sodding birthday payback! Even if just a card!!!!
right, now im off to do something not petty and stop bring offended over triviality- but thanks for reading. Just needed to get it off my chest! :)

OP posts:

muminthemiddle · 22/08/2011 10:45

YANBU to feel annoyed at all, however, I have sometimes forgotten birthdays! sometimes close friends have forgotten my dcs birthday too. Not sure why they would not send a card or visit if they hadn't forgotten though.

pigletmania · 22/08/2011 10:48

I would text them saying, had a lovely birthday with ds he loved it and was spoiled rotten or put it in a fb status if they on fb (evil cackle)

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/08/2011 10:52

YANBU. I think the problem with being so consciencious about other people's occasions (I am too), is that we expect the same treatment as standard and it hurts when it doesn't happen. They don't even have the excuse of not knowing about it and the fact that it was both of them would piss me off. One would be understandable.

I'm afraid I would be a bit petty and pull back from their children's birthdays a bit even though that's not why you do it. Just that if that's the way it's going then why should you be the only one putting yourself out?

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/08/2011 10:53

Yes, I would put my FB status as "DS had a lovely birthday yesterday, thank you to all the ovely people that send cards" or something similar.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 22/08/2011 10:53

Or lovely people that sent cards!

porcamiseria · 22/08/2011 11:13

yabu!

honestly, I cant keep track of my friends DS, and cant be arsed too either

sorry! you did ask

Original poster

InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 12:57

I haven't put it on my fb status, but i have written on a mutual friend's wall (a thank you) so they'll see that.
I know, porcamiseria, i agree! I don't expect anyone else to celebration his birthday- he's the centre of our world, but not any one else's. I do get that. It was just these friends specifically...knowing what we'd been through to have him, and finally able to have a birthday. I'm just being a mare, because i remember years and years of celebrating with their dc, which is fekkin hard to do when you have fertility problems. But i think i've got to get a grip and understand that they're just different to me and it's probably not an intentional snub. One of them invited me to every one of her dc's parties, events, dances, plays etc and i always went and endured them through gritted teeth- it's only through a very recent conversation that i realised she genuinely thought i was enjoying them, and thought she was doing me a favour by asking. We are all different, aren't we?

OP posts:

Ephiny · 22/08/2011 13:08

YABU, it would not have even occurred to me that I was supposed to keep track of other people's children's birthdays, especially when they're not even related to me, or to send them cards. Or to send a text message to their parents, that sounds really odd - what would you expect the text to say?

LeggyBlondeNE · 22/08/2011 13:10

IWTC - given the above, maybe the thing to do is suggest a nice girls night out or something so they can celebrate with you your year of motherhood after all the stress etc? I have to admit that I'm not big into other people's kids birthdays etc (love the kids, will buy little things as and when I spot something, but I don't like commercialism around birthdyas etc and am not good at getting organised), and likewise I'm not comfortable with the number of people who get things for my girl because it's unexpected and while kind unnecessary, but what am I to do, just give it back?!

I think if you want recognition of how important it is to you, you need to take a deep breath and ask them to celebrate with you.

theredhen · 22/08/2011 13:18

YANBU - Had the same sort of thing year ago. DS has hardly any family, so always really hurt when the very people who I sent 3 cards to (3 kids) and 3 presents too, couldn't even remember a card for my DS. I also used to always be the one to arrange to meet up etc.

In the end I gave up on them and feel so much better for it.

Some people are just very selfish.

aliceliddell · 22/08/2011 13:24

They're both feckin mean! (My disability assistant thinks so too)

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 13:43

If I might express the view from the 'Bah Humbug' school of thought, I don't like it when friends remember my birthday or my DC's birthdays with cards and presents, because then I feel crap because I didn't ask for or want anything, and I don't want to have to buy and give them stuff on their various 'special' days.

Life is consumerist, commercial and complicated enough already.

I will always send friends a decent Christmas card and personal message (not gifts - I won't buy shit for the sake of it), because I can kind of remember when Christmas is. I like meeting up throughout the year for a laugh, and I think I'm hospitable.

My kids get plenty of stuff on birthdays and at Christmas. They don't need extra. And really don't have the resources to buy things for other families, friends or not.

And that's my brutal truth - which I have spent years trying to drum nicely into my friends and thus saving them lots of time and money!!

Your case, OP, is odd because I gather neither of your friends has ever requested you not to mark the DC's birthdays with cards and gifts. And they didn't even send you a message. So I do understand your sense of hurt and on balance YANB hugely U. They should have told you to stop being so generous a while ago.

Original poster

InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 14:17

I totally understand those of you who think iabu- i agree in the main and i wouldn't expect anything from any other friend (and yet have actually been pleasantly surprised by some really thoughtful people). It's just these two friends with our history, yes i did expect he'd at least get a card from them.
Linerunner, no they've never discouraged me. In fact, in the last, they've text me suggestions for gifts ...
I shall chalk it up to the busy world we all live in!

OP posts:

Original poster

InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 14:22

In the past* not last

OP posts:

zipzap · 22/08/2011 14:40

If they give you present ideas for the next birthday, just tell them that you're surprised because you thought that now you have a child they wanted to stop all the present giving, as they didn't bother with his birthday, you just assumed that they no longer wanted to do them. Shame for your dc missing out unlike theres but hey ho times change, you get that.

All said in the nicest possible way of course!

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 14:48

If they have given you present ideas in the past, I wonder if they would expect a present idea from you as a reminder about your DC's birthday?

You say in your OP that they knew if was his birthday, and so I hope they simpy forgot.

Otherwise they sound quite grasping, which is unusual in long-standing friends, so there is surely another explanation and I think you are going to have to ask them for it.

I really wouldn't give them or their DCs anything in the future unless it by mutual agreement three ways.

Insomnia11 · 22/08/2011 14:50

I said openly to old friends I wasn't going to be able to remember their children's birthdays and with some friends we have an agreement not to send cards for one anothers' birthdays. Also I got in touch with a few friends last Christmas and said "Can we just get things for the children?" or we agreed not to bother with presents any more as it just gets ridiculous.

Once they start school you are buying presents every five minutes for a child's birthday which is enough, frankly.

HoneyNutLoop · 22/08/2011 15:08

YANBU...all those years of love and support...and gifts...I'd be a little hurt too..
but having said that...I am the worlds worst at remembering birthdays, well actually i'm the worlds second worst, one of my two best uni friends is worst, the other is the best!
Between us we have 8 kids, I love their collective 6 kids to bits and I know that they love my 2, the kids ranging in age from 7 years to 3 months adore each other despite huge geographical distance over the last 4 years. Sometimes we remember birthdays, and mark them with a call...sometimes we forget, (even if we spoke two days earlier) I mostly get the month but not always the day!
No one ever complains, I hope it's because we know that we love the kids and each other, but life is hectic, the geography ( and time difference) helps too I think and we always do 'get together, I missed you' pressies instead...
Friendship is about more than just gifts it's about love and what you give to each other in human not material terms.
The other thing to consider is that as your child grows so does his/her circle of friends and the number of gifts that you as a parent are responsible for...since my eldest started reception I now have a huge number of school gifts, plus friends here and uk...it only gets more and more expensive, I wonder if this may be an issue and they figure at 2 your child won't care, and you as a good friend will understand.
So...yanbu for feeling a little peeved, but ywbu if you started tit for tatting and counting gifts, thankfully doesn't sound like you will.
Happy b'day to your ds! x

HoneyNutLoop · 22/08/2011 15:30

Sorry missed some posts whilst running around after my 2 and dinner... Well considering all you have been through it is a bit odd that they don't get it that you want to acknowledge dc 2 nd b'day...what did they do on his first?
However, sorry to be harsh but youre starting to consider tit for tatt... before you stop buying for friends dc please consider this... Do you buy for the kids cos you care about them or for your friends? Because having been these kids cool auntie for life do you want to take that away from them? Who you trying to make a point to? Kids or friend? if you are that annoyed that you are no longer giving for givings sake...talk to your friends!

LolaRennt · 22/08/2011 15:42

I actually think no one needs to buy gifts or wish other people's kids happy birthday. But if someone had made 14 years of effort I'd feel I damned well owed them. So in your specific case YANBU

Original poster

InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 17:05

Thanks all. I feel loads better just for having a rant.
Honeynutloop- i'm not tit for tatting. I buy for the dc because i want to, and always have. I won't stop now :)

OP posts:

Original poster

InWithTheITCrowd · 22/08/2011 17:07

Thanks all. I feel loads better just for having a rant.
Honeynutloop- i'm not tit for tatting. I buy for the dc because i want to, and always have. I won't stop now :)

OP posts:

HoneyNutLoop · 24/08/2011 14:36

IWTIC good to hear...never really thought you would :)

Mumwithadragontattoo · 24/08/2011 16:49

You sound a lovely friend. Your friends are average at best.

YABU, to be honest, as you can't really expect them to make a song and dance about a 2 year old's birthday. But you have been very kind to them and it is understandable that you feel sad that they have not been as considerate back.

vmcd28 · 24/08/2011 17:13

ephiny, are you for real?! what an odd comment.

Anyway, OP, YANBU at all. you sound realy nice, genuine and kind. They sound like selfish, thoughtless arseholes, actually.

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