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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is this cheeky or normal for christenings nowadays?

111 replies

knittynoodle · 21/08/2011 18:36

A 'friend' of mine has had her son christened. We were invited although I dont really know her that closely even though we have known each other a long time IYSWIM. So I sort of feel that we were invited to make up numbers and gifts!

Anway, the invite came with a three page booklet and invitation. Details on what to get her son for his present. They have asked for money.

After listening to her go on about finding the 'perfect' church for the day (I thought a child was christening in your parish church) and crow about how shes not religious anyway, I find asking for money really crass. At ever other christening Ive been to, the guests have given religious items or books.

AIBU or is this the done thing now

ps. I bought the child an illustrated bible.

OP posts:

Thumbwitch · 22/08/2011 04:09

When my sister had her 3 DDs christened together, I didn't buy them gifts, I put money into their savings accounts. I don't have a problem doing that because as someone said, you can only have so many bibles/ money boxes etc. and they were already over-run with toys.

When DS was christened, I only invited people who had a religious "bent" - most of them gave him something silver (which is normal, IME) or a bible/religious book of some sort, or a toy. No one gave money and that is fine, I wouldn't have asked for it.

What DID piss me off though was DH - becasue we were emigrating and had this bag of gifts for DS, he wanted to "offload" them - I got immensely cross and said he had no right to offload them as they weren't his, they belonged to DS! Now, if DS wants to offload them later, that's entirely up to him, although I rather hope he'll keep the family/godparents' presents.

My own godfather gave me a christening silver bangle and a bible, which I still have. My Dad still has the other silverware that was given; I don't know what else I got, if anything.

ZillionChocolate · 22/08/2011 08:46

ELC do a nice Noah's ark shape sorter, I bought one for the last Christening I went to. Asking for money is horrid.

BikeRunSki · 22/08/2011 08:49

Dreadful. Christenings shoudl be low key, local, family/close friends affairs.

Sounds like this family is getting confused with a "Hello" style wedding.

hester · 22/08/2011 08:56

Blimey.

Whatmeworry · 22/08/2011 09:04

Good for you re Bible.

OhdearNigel · 22/08/2011 10:25

I'm gobsmacked! We had a massive do for DD's christening with 70 people but as we are pretty religious it was a big day for us. DD got some lovely gifts but I told people not to bother if they asked. I can't believe someone has the cheek of asking for money !

Did they have an RC christening ? It's just that to be christened in a C of E church you have to attend a baptism preparation course; we had to do it, even though we go every week. If she's proudly not religious I'm surprised she could be bothered to do that

BalloonSlayer · 22/08/2011 10:32

You don't always have to attend a baptism preparation course in the C of E. It depends on the church/Vicar.

However, in the C of E you normally have to be baptised in your parish church unless there is a very good reason not to (eg - if you were married in a particular church, moved away to another parish and wanted your DC baptised in the church you were married in, this would probably NOT count as a good enough reason to have your DC baptised in a church that was not your parish church). So I am about the idea of her having shopped around, as I don't think that's possible. Maybe her parish church just was perfect.

pinkgirlythoughts · 22/08/2011 10:39

I've only read the first page of responses, but I didn't realise it was standard to give a religious gift at a Christening (although of course it makes sense!). I'd normally just slip a tenner in the card, to be honest. When my step sister had her second son Christened, she put a note in the invitations saying "please don't feel obliged to buy anything, but if you want to, we'd prefer to receive Mothercare gift vouchers." I just thought that was a really sensible way of ensuring that you didn't get loads of cheap toys that you didn't really want, and got a useful present instead!

TheSmallClanger · 22/08/2011 10:48

I'm not religious, but I have kept all three of my Christening Bibles. One has a letter to me on the inside cover from my grandmother, who died when I was young. I didn't know it was there until I was a teenager. I like the Bible better than all the child-sized jewellery I never wore and will now never wear.

I always thought it was only godparents and close relatives who gave anything other than token presents at christenings.

porcamiseria · 22/08/2011 10:50

really fucking cheeky

well done on the bible!!!!!

wannabesybil · 22/08/2011 10:51

When DS was christened I definitely expected gifts from the godparents, but was baffled by gifts from everyone else. And the gifts I was expecting from the godparents (bible, prayer book etc) didn't turn up but it was a bit of a mixed bag. What I am supposed to do with the christening cutlery I have no idea, but I did appreciate the thought.

Don't get me wrong, I was very grateful that people had thought of my son, but I just didn't understand it. And most of them gave money as they knew that he had all the clothes/toys he needed. I put it in National Savings Certificates for him.

tbh, I got DS christened because I am a believer. If he had had no gifts whatsoever it would have not bothered me, the important bit was the water in the church.

If I get any of those invitations with a wish list on, they can expect the 1662 Prayer Book and a catsbum mouth.

LRDTheFeministDragon · 22/08/2011 10:58

Oh, I hate this.

In our church baptisms always happen during normal Sunday service, so every now and again you meet people you've never seen there before, dolled up and smirking around because they think all this religion crap is funny, faffing around and talking through the service, who then never appear again. Don't they realize how fucking rude they are? I would love it if new people came to our church out of interest or for some nice reason, but sadly most of them are just plain rude. It leaves a really sour taste in your mouth.

My friend, who's not religious, told me that there's an old tradition in her family that you take a bottle of good wine to a Christening that is meant to be kept until the child is 21 - I love the idea (but I would lose a dusty bottle in 21 years!). I think that's why jewellery from close family is nice too - the child will actually get to remember that. Otherwise, and other than religious gifts, there's not a lot of point ... the baby doesn't know about it!

EldritchCleavage · 22/08/2011 11:06

My single present from the christening my grandparents insisted my parents have for me is a silver christening bracelet, which fortunately does still fit.

I just can't understand the behaviour of the irreligious people LRD describes just using churches as a backdrop for some show-off ceremony. It is so dismissive of people who do believe. And I say that as a hardened atheist.

kevlarbrassiere · 22/08/2011 11:15

I have been to quite a few christenings, but I have never come across a 'presents' list. Sounds horrible.

Mitmoo I thought your phrase:
the hissed up paddies was very racist.

chill1243 · 22/08/2011 11:17

its a new one on me

MugglesandLuna · 22/08/2011 11:20

Money grabbing!

I have been to about 10 christenings and have never been asked for a gift. the only gift I provided ~(but wasnt asked for) was for my God Daughter.

maybells · 22/08/2011 11:33

sounds to me like shes treating it more like a party than an important religious ceremony. we recently had our son christened and lots of our guests asked what they could buy our son, and i just told them they could buy whatever they wanted or not to worry as he would have plenty. so most of our guests gave a token of money or gift vouchers.
we have put the money aside to go into our sons trust fund.
we found our perfect church in our local parish which we still attend.
the fact she has asked for money i would not give it to her a gift is up to the discretion of the guest not on her demand!

lachesis · 22/08/2011 13:57

'Did they have an RC christening ? It's just that to be christened in a C of E church you have to attend a baptism preparation course; we had to do it, even though we go every week. '

Believe me, the Roman Catholic Church doesn't christen people who just rock up and like the look of the church . Why on Earth would you even assume that? Baptism is one of 7 sacraments and to receive it you must, or your godparents must, demonstrate desire and plans to live a life in the faith (or help guide the child in his/her faith). The christening is usually part of a Sunday Mass service.

GiveMeStrength2day · 22/08/2011 14:10

I went to a christening many moons ago where guests were asked for money. However, it wasn't a demand, it was an "if you'd like to...". The couple were putting any money given towards one of those traditional rocking horses (that cost a fortune). I wasn't at all insulted - I was more than happy to stick a tenner in a card rather than having to schlep around the shops trying to find a christening present that the baby wasn't going to receive ten-fold! I guess it depends how things are phrased. That said, when we had DD christened we didn't expect anything and didn't ask for anything.

Kewjumping · 22/08/2011 14:35

!!! Asking for money outright is totally missing the point and even if they didn't want religious presents/ unwanted gifts then there are far more tactful ways of doing that.

DH and I aren't overly religious and aren't regular churchgoers but wanted to have DS christened as we both inherently believed that it was the right thing IFSWIM. The fact that we could celebrate the day with friends and family made it even more special. Whilst we didn't expect guests to give a present, the majority asked us in advance what we would like for DS. We didn't want presents just for the sake of presents and knew that most of the guests wouldn't necessaril consider buying a religious/ christening specific present so instead we enclosed a little note with the invitation saying that we would love guests to bring something (if they chose) that represented a favourite memory from their own childhood so we could put it into DS's memory box. This meant that we had a lovely mixture of delightful and incredibly thoughtful presents including a copy of a guest's favourite book from when they were little with an accompanying note, a handmade photo frame with a photo of DS and all the other babies in our antenatal group when they were 5 weeks old and a photo of DH when he was the same age along with the more traditional presents of an illustrated bible, silver gifts etc. Many of the gifts were inexpensive in terms of actual cost but their value goes way beyone the monetary. They are all lovely reminders of what was a very special day for us and I can't wait to show them to DS when he is old enough to appreciate them.

readywithwellies · 22/08/2011 14:44

Well I just chucked out all of ds and dd tacky shite that they were given for their christenings (after selling the rest). Religion does not equal tacky shite. The money I was given I put in their savings accounts. I wouldn't ask for money but when people asked me what I wanted I explained that I was setting up a bank account for their future. Most people still bought tacky shite. Oh and mean silver jewellery (over my dead body), bibles (not a lot of use when I already have three including a beautiful illustrated one, tankards, my first tooth, curl blah blah (shoot me now!) and the biggest pile of shite was a lairdship. I'd rather just a card.
Yes it's a christening. It's not an excuse to buy me crap, dust collecting twaddle.

BranchingOut · 22/08/2011 15:00

I did once receive a baby shower invite saying 'cash gifts only please' (yes, that exact phrase - plus an explanation of how they already had loads of clothes, equipment etc).

I just gave an envelope with a card in it.

Thumbwitch · 22/08/2011 15:01

kevlar - why did you think it was particularly racist? it was an obvious spelling mistake, should have been pissed up paddies, but is it the "paddies" bit you are objecting to or the pissed up bit or all of it?
Just curious.

LineRunner · 22/08/2011 15:07

I have no problem owning a number of Bibles.

One Revised. One King James. One for scribbling on when I did Scripture at school. A couple of illustrated ones I passed on the the kids for their interest.

We also have two editions of the Koran in our house.

Shock horror.

Commercial chistenings ..... yuck.

Original poster

knittynoodle · 22/08/2011 22:09

She has told me she shopped around for the church. She said she wanted a specific hymn and was told by 2 churches she couldnt have it, so she went to one that would allow her to.

Also, photos have now emerged of her and her DP cutting the christening cake in a wedding-esque pose.

OP posts:

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