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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this is really sad and worry that all teenagers think like this??

27 replies

allibaba · 19/08/2011 16:45

Just to explain, I'm no expert on teenagers, and am a long way off being as have DS1 17 mo and 22 weeks pg with DS2.

Anyway, was sat in hair dressers yesterday with 18/19 year old sat in chair next to me. Hairdresser asks "Are you happy you're having a boy or did you want a girl?" - (As a side point I am fed up of being asked this, like it makes a sodding difference as long as baby is happy and healthy!). But back to story..

I say "I've already got all the boys clothes so won't cost me as much this time. Besides I'm not very good with pink and dresses as I hated those when I was little and my mum couldn't get me to wear a dress. I was such a tomboy."

To which girl in next seat (earwigging) comments that she knows what I mean and was exactly the same as a little girl until she got to secondary school. Then she says "but I soon changed as being a tomboy gets you nowhere. So I discovered fashion and fit in with the rest of the other girls."

WTF? Ok, so I was bullied at secondary school but I take the view that that was their problem with their own sad little lives and not mine so I rose above it and I certainly didn't change my appearance just to "fit in".

Have I missed something as I notice that ALL teenagers look the same, but could be just becuase you always think that the older you get. But do some kids really try to change themselves to do this? Is self esteem really that low? Or am I missing the point? And how does being a tomboy get you nowhere?!

And calm.. Smile

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 19/08/2011 16:49

Know what you mean. Am also the mother of a preschooler but I remember being a teenager well enough, it wasn't that long ago. While there were clothes/things we all wanted, we weren't clones of each other in the way that teenagers seem to be now. All exactly the same hair, exactly the same make up, uniform of clothes. It seems to have gone to extremes now.

My friends had a mixture of short/long/dark/fair/curly/straight hair/. Now it's all long, all straight, all the same colour.

worraliberty · 19/08/2011 16:50

Gosh you took a lot from what she said. Perhaps she just worded it badly?

festi · 19/08/2011 16:51

ALL teenagers really ALL??? how do you know all teenagers think like this???

not sure why you are so enraged by one teenagers life anaylsis in the hair dressers.

MumblingRagDoll · 19/08/2011 16:51

Maybe it was her awkward way of describing how she grew up and her tastes changed. People do change.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2011 16:53

I sometimes struggle to recognise my own teenage dd if I see her in the street Smile

her and her mates all look exactly the same

I know what you mean

is it really worse these days though ? I seem to remember we all looked the same back in the day, too...

piprabbit · 19/08/2011 16:53

I think that people generally learn to fit in with the people they spend time with, at work, at school, where ever.

worraliberty · 19/08/2011 16:54

So I discovered fashion and fit in with the rest of the other girls

She didn't say she discovered fashion to fit in with the rest of the girls.

She could well have meant that after she discovered fashion, she was no longer a tomboy and therefore she fitted in with the girls.

southeastastra · 19/08/2011 16:56

everyone looked liked clones in the 80s, nothing has changed.

TheMonster · 19/08/2011 16:58

Maybe she was just trying to reassure you.

ScarlettIsWalking · 19/08/2011 16:59

She was just making conversation. Why would all teens think like this person?

2shoes · 19/08/2011 17:00

sadly I think she is right.

bullying is horrid, and sometimes fitting in is easier

Yukana · 19/08/2011 18:11

Sadly nowadays teenagers are pressured by peers and encouraged by teachers when bullied to fit in. If you don't fit in, life at school is undoubtedly grim and one heck of a long haul to trudge through. Unless you are the type that can ignore or laugh off the pressure, it's a struggle in my opinion.

Al0uiseG · 19/08/2011 18:17

Mustard coloured twisted chinos. (Mothers of teenage boys will understand)

I think learning to fit in is a good social skill for teenagers, whether it be through clothes, behaviour or anything else. They are aware of social norms and are finding their place in the world.

usualsuspect · 19/08/2011 18:20

Some teenagers have always tried to fit in ,its nothing new

you find your tribe as a teenager and go with the flow

ragged · 19/08/2011 18:21

I think you're overthinking it and that it was always thus for some people (teens). Sad for that individual but I cannot believe that there isn't still a core of weirdos independent minded teens in every generation.

Chundle · 19/08/2011 18:23

My dd is 7 and when she walks past teenage girls she always comments on how awful they look with all their makeup on and tummys hanging out! My dd lives in jeans and trainers but also likes lookin pretty. ATM she's more of a leader than a follower and I hope she stays that way into her teenage years!

Mitmoo · 19/08/2011 18:27

My son is the child who is a little different and bullied horrendously over the years. I don't blame kids for wanting to fit into a group, it's all a part of growing up.

So long as they are happy who cares? Children are finding where they fit.

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/08/2011 18:40

That is a huge generalisation OP.
All teens? Or just one making conversation in the hairdresser.

fifitrixibellesmith · 19/08/2011 18:47

all everyone wants to do is fit in and be accepted

babeinthewood · 19/08/2011 18:48

I disagree actually, I dont think that children should feel that they have to 'fit' whats wrong with doing as they like? I would really hate for my daughter to be a 'leader' or a 'follower' I like her to choose clothes etc by what SHE likes not what everyone else is wearing etc. When I was at school there were always the 'trendy lot' and the 'sporty lot' etc but me and my group of friends were all different, almost the cast offs, but you know I loved it because I could be ME and I am still in touch with many of those friends now.

OP I think that the 'nanny state' were in means that children think alot more than they used to because they are always encouraged to talk about and explore more things, thats not always a bad thing, but in this instance, I think it creates low self esteem, its not about who you are any more its what clothes do you wear and which shop do you buy them from.....I agree its really sad :(

Original poster
allibaba · 19/08/2011 19:18

Having read some of the comments, I guess where I was coming from is along the same lines as Babesinthewood. I just find it really sad that someones self esteem can be so low that they'll change themselves to make themselves more likeable.

Different isn't so bad and the way she decided to conform to get acceptance (which is what she was basically saying) worried me. I never felt like that at school, or in fact ever since. You take me as you find me otherwise bog off! I was really worried that I wouldn't make friends when I had DS1 (new to area) but 17 months on I've met some great friends by (I think) staying true to myself.

I probably am reading too much in to this and being all psycho-analytic Blush!! But maybe this tiny instance in a hairdressers shows just how society works now and I just hope that I can instill enough in to my son(s) so that they don't feel like this when they're older.

OP posts:
cat64 · 19/08/2011 19:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

EndoplasmicReticulum · 19/08/2011 19:40

I think it's been this way for a while. When I was at school the trend was to have yellow permed hair with a sticky up fringe, for example. I had short brown hair and looked like a boy. I did not fit in.

I didn't conform to get acceptance. I don't think my parents would have let me, tbh.

By the time I got a bit older it was more acceptable not to conform, find a tribe and all that - and I went a bit goth.

I now teach teenage girls, and while there is always a crowd who wear the same things and follow fashion, there are plenty of individuals too.

DrCoconut · 19/08/2011 20:07

I was bullied for being geeky and not fitting in. I was not allowed highly fashionable clothes as my mum considered them "tarty" and too expensive (she was on her own with us after dad died and money was tight). So I got called a gippo for having cheap trainers from the market, hand me downs etc instead of reeboks, top shop and such. I would have given almost anything to fit in and not be laughed at when I was 14/15. I eventually found my own style and got a nice group of friends at 6th form college. It was a new start being able to move away from school and meet new people. University was even better as charity shop chic was positively in! DS1 is 12 going on 13 and I am trying to find a good balance between letting him be cool and not spoiling him / failing to control him because I know how important it feels to fit in but also appreciate the value of friends who like you not your hairdo or jeans! With boys it seems to be more electrical goods than clothes at the moment - he "needs" a nintendo DS, PS3 etc. And he needs to learn to budget too! We made him save pocket money for weeks for his X box. He was so excited as the time to go buy it approached. He told a friend who came round. His friend said "why are you doing that, just get your mum to pay for it"! Shock

piprabbit · 19/08/2011 21:39

I don't think people sit around sobbing to themselves and figuring out ways of changing their clothes to make themselves into clones - well only in a minority of cases. Most people meet friends they like and share interests with, if you have a friend whose style you admire, you might try something similar (especially if you are a teenager) and before you know it you and your little group of friends have an identifiable style.

It's more of an organic process than the OP seems to describe, not a specific choice to ditch your own identity.