To be cross with my nanny?

[Maria101]

I have my own internet business and work from home. I have a part time nanny who comes three days a week to look after my 1-year-old. She's generally great, however, at the start of the summer holidays she mentioned (didn't really ask) she might have to bring her 6-year-old son along some days. Tbh I didn't mind this, as she made it sound like an occasional thing, and my daughter likes him and likes having other children around.

However, she started bringing him every single time. During my baby's nap times instead of cleaning the bottles/high chair, making meals etc, like she did before, she would sit and read to him on my sofa while I was working in the next room. Also, all their activities would involve going to the park etc, instead of going to playgroups (presumably because he would get bored). Other things bothered me, such as once my daughter messed her nappy just as the nanny arrived with her son, who wanted toast. She said to me, 'You deal with that (the nappy), while I make him (her son) some toast'. Stupidly I did, even though she had technically started work.

Last week I told her not to bring her son anymore because it's too distracting having him here in the house while I try to work. She was OK about it, and didn't bring him, but today I got a text at 8.30 (she's due here at 9) asking if she could bring him because her sister couldn't have him. She suggested picking my daughter up and taking her to her house. But surely this is childminding? Plus, I had purposefully left some jobs for her to do in nap time (make a shepherds pie). I said not to worry so now I don't have any childcare today.

I'm fuming. My main problems are: a) I don't want her son in my house when I'm trying to work, but equally I don't want my daughter out every single day (her initial solution to my finding her son too distracting). b) I want her to work during my daughter's nap times, and not play with her son or do her own housework (which she'd probably do if my daughter went to her house). c) she treats our arrangement like a casual agreement between friends, when I'm paying her to do a job. For example, there was no apology this morning for letting me down and making me work tonight after my daughter has gone to bed (if I don't work during the day it has to get done at some point).

Should I a) just cancel our contract and look for another childminder/nanny? Tackle it head on Monday morning and then have the awkwardness that would follow?

Sorry for the rant, but I'm furious! PS, I know part of this is my fault for being too laid back with her in the first place but for the most part she's a good nanny but she seems to be getting worse and taking the pi**.

*i want her to work during my son's nap time'. Do you mean she doesn't have a lunch break?

Is this casual arrangement, what about sickness, holidays etc have you arranged those?

Nannies don't tend to get lunch breaks Laquitar.

I think there should be give and take in the nanny-parent relationship. It is not really like many other sorts of employment.

However, at the moment, all the give seems to be on your side and that is inevitably going to lead to resentment on your part so I think it needs to be addressed openly with your nanny.

If you allow the current situation to continue you are going to feel that you are effectively paying for her childcare as well as your own, that your child is being short-changed in terms of activities, and that she isn't fulfilling her entire role. I think you need to address at least one of these issues so either you pay less for days when she brings her child as she is providing childcare for another child (the fact that it is her own is irrelevant), or you insist on other arrangements being made except in occasional emergencies.

Perhaps the reduced rate would be the most sensible as it will avoid her being unable to work and would be an incentive for her to have reliable arrangements in place.

Sometimes a little give and take is a good thing. She is a human being, who clearly needs to look after her son too. Surely she can still do her job as a nanny, and am pretty sure she doesn't feel great knowing you are not happy about it.

If she does a great job with your child, can't you cut her a little slack?

YANBU

The bringing the son thing needs addressing but to be honest it would have been the 'you deal with the nappy' comment which would have tipped me over the edge. That and her lack of apologies would suggest that she just doesn't view you as her boss.

I do understand that the nanny/employer relationship is different but you need to sit down with her and go through these issues.

Good luck.

They dont get formal ones Rita but they get some time to eat/have tea/unwind/make phonecalls etc usually when the toddlers nap.

Some do, Laquitar, if they care for a child who naps and don't have jobs to do.

I suppose OP it depends on whether you would prefer her to ask for time off when her childcare arrangements break down. I would agree that you need to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. If you are dead set that she will not bring him with her then you'll need to get a new nanny. You might suggest that she can bring him with her if she works for a reduced rate. It depends really on whether you want to be supportive or not.

i have 3 nannies, one each for tarquin and saquifa, and one for Moseley the pure white dalmation.

I find that one can hire filipinos at a cheap rate, and if they don't perform to par - and beyond, in this job market, they should really be working extra hard to keep their low paid jobs

I think yababitu

Would it not be more helpful to let her know weekly what her tasks will be for whilst your dd is sleeping?

Would you rather not have a nanny/be let down occasionally than have her 6yo son come along with her?

You sound a bit precious to me - she is a nanny yes, but IMO nanny/vhildminder/babysitter its all the same. You are getting childcare so you can work in the same house as your child. I have never even considered childcare when working from home. We just got on with it.

Also, when she asked would it be ok to bring her son occasionally, you agreed. you ahould have been clearer with the boundaries imo

I feel rather sorry for the nanny's ds. It doesn't sound like he's having much of a summer holiday.

I don't think she should have just assumed that it would be ok to bring her son with her. I wonder if she doesn't actually have anybody to look after him. I think that may be the case, but she hasn't been very honest about it, implying that she would only be bringing him occasionally. If she had started work, she should have changed the baby's nappy first before making toast for her son, not asked you to change the nappy. Toddler groups may well have finished for the summer, they usually only run in term time, except for Surestart centres, possibly.

I think you are bu to expect her to work all day without a break. She should be allowed to get herself a cup of tea and something to eat during the baby's nap. So I don't think it's unreasonable for her to read to her son then, rather than making a pie.

A nanny is very different to a babysitter - for one thing you pay a very different price.

Also how can you possibly do a full day's work at home whilst looking after a baby/toddler? You wouldn't take a baby to the office.

The OP is paying for a sole charge nanny and that is not what she's getting. The nanny should have sorted out her own childcare be it holiday club or something.

From my understanding nannys normally eat with the children but they are expected to do 'nursery duties' ie batch cook food, clean bottles, wash and iron the children's clothes.

You may get some good responses from other nannys if you re-post this in the nanny/childminding section.

The first thing you need is a written contract with job description-it sounds as if you have a casual arrangement and she is treating it as such.
She obviously has a major problem with school holidays. You either need to decide whether it is worth being flexible or whether you just find someone else who won't have child care problems.

Proper nannies are usually expected to only do tidying up, cooking, etc for the children in their care - not the adults. Proper nannies would also expect to be able to have a break if the child is napping.

Have only read your op but I would stipulate that as an occasional thing you don't mind but that as a general rule you don't want her to bring her child.

I think you also need to stipulate duties in writing.

Yanbu though, I'd be pissd off too.

I don't know much about nannies but why are they cooking?

Think you're expecting a bit much to be honest. We all need to juggle things as parents. Since when was it the nannys job to cook you meals? If she is very good at her job can't you cut her a bit of slack? Give and take? If I was her I'd have to say I'd be handing my notice in as I also have a child and expect another mother to understand.

Goodness, if I took my DD into work with me during school holidays and adapted my work duties to accommodate her my employer would be none too impressed and would call me in to have words. She is your employee, be firm!!!

YANBU - she is taking the piss. I've no idea whether it is normal for nannies to have lunch breaks/do chores but I assume you laid out what you expected at her interview and she accepted the position? As a mum you tend to eat meals with your kids so I would assume most nannies do the same.
There is no other job I can think of where you would be able to save on childcare during the holidays by taking your child to work with you while causing your employer inconvenience and expense by expecting your child to be fed and entertained to the detriment of your paid role all while said child disturbs the boss while they are trying to do their work!
I would have a firm talk and warning before letting her go if you are otherwise happy with her. If you aren't happy with her bringing her son then let her know that she needs to get firm childcare arrangements in place for when her son is off school. If you are happy for her son to accompany her if you pay a reduced rate then explain to her that when her son is there your child is not getting 1 on 1 care, things are not done around the house, you are disturbed and you pay for extra food so if she does want to bring her son during the holidays she will have to accept a drop in her pay.

Meant to say that I assume that 1 on 1 care was a big factor in you deciding to use a nanny rather than a childminder/nursery setting?

It's school holidays, so clearly this isn't going to be all the time. Surely if you take on a nanny with her own child, you should realise that these things can happen from time to time.

Be a bit more understanding.

In your discussion with her I'd also point out that her actions in bringing her ds or not coming because she hasn't got care for him sorted out could have more serious repercussions in that it means you can't work (or get disturbed) when you are supposed to be working which causes problems for you and other people at work.

And that consequently your manager will get annoyed and then will tell you that it's no longer viable having you work there. And then if you lost your job well so would she.

If you have contracted her to provide a service and she isn't, and as a result of the lack of a service you lose your job, then you could quite rightly hold her responsible for your job loss.

She probably has no idea of the ramifications of her actions; you should let her know.

zipzap, are you saying that the OP should tell her nanny that by bringing her son in, that the OP may lose her job?

I haven't read all the posts - but I wouldn"t be happy with this. Presumably if you are paying her the full going rate for the job she should be looking after your child, not trying to fit your child's needs around her son's. If she wanted a childminding arrangement (which is what you have if he is there every day) - then you would have a found a childminder.

You need to agree with her which days and for how long her son can come - if you're happy to do so. And if you can't agree then you should let her go and find someone else.