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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel that this is totally unfair?

126 replies

WomanDriver · 16/08/2011 23:23

Ok basically my 21yo brother has just moved in to a student house with three other student guys. One of his housemates (also 21) lives quite far away (up north)from the uni and has 2 kids at home with his gf.

When they took the student property everyone had decided on bedrooms ect. Then a few weeks later this guy decided his room wasn't big enough as he wanted his gf and kids to stay at some point(one is 8months and the other is 3 yo) and needed to fit a double bed and a single bed and a cot??!? He wanted to turn their living room into a bedroom for himself which the others comprimised and agreed on.

Originally the others had agreed for this guy to have his gf and 2 kids come down for a few days here and there when it was convenient (eg no assignment deadlines or exam periods). However my brother has just found out this guy plans to bring his gf and kids down in october for a FEW weeks!!
Him and the other guys dont really want young kids under their feet for that long (they are student guys after all) and dont know what to do. They say they would feel very uncomfortable and also dont feel that the house is baby proof (as you would expect a student house to be).

They have recently found out that their housemate has got his gf pregnant again which means that there will be a newborn baby in their house as well as two other kids. AND this guy expects his gf to travel from up north to south london on train with these children as well.

AIBU to feel that my brother and his two friends are being given a raw deal by this third mate?

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 28/08/2011 11:36

I don't think it's precious at all. If I was in a student house I'd be pissed off at someone having their gf over for much more than weekends and would be pissed off at them having children over at all. The "friend's" choice of accommodation is incompatible with his responsibilities as a family man.

FabbyChic · 28/08/2011 11:43

Only first year students and post graduates get uni accomodation. My son is a first year student and his choice of Uni have told him he may not even get a place so Uni accomodation is out.

I would tell your brother to tell his friend that under the terms of the tenancy it is not permissable to have someone staying for weeks and that as it is they have already breached that by changing the living room into a bedroom.

Uni students should not have to put up with this if your brother was my son I'd be sorting this out for him.

FabbyChic · 28/08/2011 11:48

if you are a guarantor then YOU ring the man concerned and tell him it is not on.

plupervert · 28/08/2011 11:58

rhondasjean, if you and your DH managed to study, have a family and work FT, surely you ensured your domestic set-up was compatible with those commitments, rather than sneaking in restrictions on a bunch of other people who had very different motivations? It would probably have been very irresponsible of you to risk your domestic life and ability to study in such a set-up!

You just don't seem a very valid comparison for the OP's housemate; your example offers far too much moral authority to him, whereas he seems rather feckless in the way he makes his plans, does not arranges accommodation for his family to be comfortable, tries to get his housemates to give him more for the same money, etc. He's not offering anyone much compensation for any of these inconveniences, is he?

plupervert · 28/08/2011 11:59

Ooops, sorry, I misspelled your name : rhondajean

Jux · 28/08/2011 13:40

Easy peasy. Your bro and his mates just spend the time drinking, partying, farting and swearing, making everything totally messy especially the kitchen and bathroom, using all the cutlery and crockery and not washing up, leaving the foul cold water in the sink piled his with dirty dishes, being loud, boorish and generally like students only 100 times worse. Do any of them smoke? Can they smoke more?

Leave pizza boxes in all communal areas, and any other refuse they can think of.

The girlfriend and kids will hate it. She will complain and complain and complain. The father will then ask your bro and his mates to tone it down upon they will ramp it up.

The girlfriend will move out as quick as she can refusing to return, ever.

Of course, they will have a massive cleaning job to do once the family have gone....

Or they could talk to the student accommodation officer. Or tell their mate that what he's proposing is out of order.

rhondajean · 29/08/2011 13:02

Im reckoning he is just skint, struggling, and trying to get by as best he can. Ive far more sympathy than I should have perhaps, because he seems to be trying to make something of his life. (As are the rest of them.)

Did I miss something in the thread about them now moving in permanently? I do think, they are all there to study, not to have a big party, and if its two weeks, and they were all friends before hand, this thread is a big over reaction. As I said before, if its permanent, that would be different, but depending on the ages of the children, they may have school or nursery to get back to. Would these lads - and half you MNers who go on about absent dads - really prefer him to damage his relationships with his children by not being able to see them for months on end?

As for those of you suggesting they smoke everywhere and make a huge mess I have two words :
GROW UP.

Pelagia · 29/08/2011 13:10

My parents were students when they married and started a family, so I feel more sympathetic towards Student Dad.

Clearly all the men just need to sit down and agree some basic ground rules.

plupervert · 29/08/2011 13:13

I think it's the creeping colonisation which has people really suspecting his motives: moving in to the living room rather than more temporary measures of a blow-up bed and travel cot, a couple of weeks instead of the originally-agreed few days when there are no exams/deadlines...

rhondajean · 29/08/2011 13:31

Totally agreeing there is a line there, plu, and I do hope hes not taking the mickey, but he seems to be trying to get himself an education and maintain his relationship with his kids at the same time, we did the living apart thing so I could study and its hard hard hard work.

I never was clear on this - did his original bedroom become the living room when he moved out?

Muckyhighchair · 29/08/2011 13:35

I think the guy needs his own house and not a shared one

Your brother needs to get it sorted

ragged · 29/08/2011 13:39

OP hasn't posted in almost 2 weeks, any developments?

ChaoticAngeloftheUnderworld · 29/08/2011 13:41

This man chose to do a course at a uni that took him away from his family. He should have looked around for accommodation that he could rent for the family, not student housing, if he wanted them with him. Instead he's chosen to rent student accommodation and then try to change the rules.

I wouldn't want kids around if I was trying to study, nor would I be happy to give up the living room for someone else to make into a bedroom.

plupervert · 29/08/2011 13:55

rhondajean, the OP wrote: "They do have a lounge but it's bloody tiny (i've seen it). The original lounge that is now this guy's room is the biggest room in the bloody house!" so I assume a straight swap was performed, whereas it probably would have been better and more sustainable for the house as a whole to communally buy a double blow up mattress, and have that (and/or the lounge) available to anyone whose guests are staying.

Yes, studying with a family sounds very hard work, and I still think you sound more responsible than this guy, so the comparison is unfair - to you! Smile

Jux · 29/08/2011 16:29

rhondajean, my post was slightly tongue in cheek, but I do think that this guy has been taking over by stealth and isn't being open and upfront about things. This generally ends up with one person getting everything they want the way they want it, and everyone else paying in one way or another. There are 4 of them, and 3 of them just want to be students, while 1 wants to be a student and a dad. This is commendable but he is fucking up everyone else while he does it.

MrBloomsNursery · 29/08/2011 16:32

Tell the landlord, and if they don't want to go down that route, then just go to the library to study. I always did more work in the library, in the group work section, as I knew I wouldn't end up day dreaming or fiddling with my phone.

Original poster
WomanDriver · 16/12/2011 07:03

Hi, I just wanted to bring up my old thread to tell everyone about what happened. The "student dad" had his children and GF in the house for the whole uni semester (3 months).

My brother said it was absolutely hell, kids crying all times of the night, house trashed ect. They have also been lumped with a massive gas bill where the GF demanded the heating on 24/7 and left to go home last week without offering to contribute to it. My brother had to separate "student dad" and GF after they started having a punch up outside his room at 6am (morning of an exam!)

The "student dad" has gone home up north now with his kids and GF and my brother and the other housemates are desperately trying to persuade landlord to kick him out because they fear that he will come back in the New Year with the GF and kids to stay for another 3 months.

I hope to god this gets sorted out because it has out a lot of unnecessary stress on myself in the lead up to xmas!

OP posts:
lels99 · 16/12/2011 07:10

That sounds horrible. The uni usually have a housing officer who should be able to help sort this out?

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 07:28

Can your brother hand his notice in and move out?

skybluepearl · 16/12/2011 07:30

Also has he told student dad that they don't want her to live there. With reasons why.

Maybe contact students services and citizens advice

exoticfruits · 16/12/2011 07:33

I feel sure that the housing officer should be able to sort it out-they have got left with a living arrangement that they never envisaged.
A huge mistake was to turn the living room into a bedroom. Can they not say that it didn't work and turn it back to living room? They need the landlord to be more involved. Don't just drift back next term.

MabelLucyAttwell · 16/12/2011 07:37

Could it be that it's the chap's intention, without telling his housemates, that the three childless students move out so that he has the house to himself for his 'family'? Why should they be let down like this?

If I were in this position, I would report to the Landlord. As other posters have suggested, there will be repercussions in Council Tax, Landlord's Insurance (which will be passed on to the tenants), lack of bathroom time, increased utility bills, children's noise and mess everywhere, even lack of privacy for study. Speak to the Landlord/Landlady.

SDeuchars · 16/12/2011 07:49

WomanDriver, did your brother and his mates try to do anything about it during the term? Did they complain after it got to more than two weeks?

nursenic · 16/12/2011 07:53

Sorry, but if the other students are too wimpy to do anything positive about it and tolerated it for three months....Well. serves them right.

For goodness sake's they need to deal with it. And there are plenty of very good suggestions on this thread on how to!

exoticfruits · 16/12/2011 08:06

He has to be breaking the tenancy agreement. They need to camp outside the houseing officers or landlords door until they do something. Sort it in the holidays-get the landlord to write to him before he gets back. Why on earth did they change the shared living room to a bedroom? They were too nice and have been taken advantage of-now is the time to stop.