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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think i am an awful mum, and actually not really cut out to be one.

26 replies

mrsnesbit · 16/08/2011 18:26

So over the last few weeks, ive met up with pals, just for an hour, catch up and coffee on my own.

Without exception i have been questioned about "wheres ds"?
When i explain he is with dh (A teacher and off for 6 weeks) they seem put out that i dont take hm every where with me. Especially, it seems, if they have kids with them.
But i cant be doing with it, i want a quiet coffee without being interupted and shouted at and stressing about what he is doing/breaking/upsetting/doing wrong the whole time. He is hardwork, even harder when around other folk so i leave him with dh.
Thinking about it, i dont think that any one i work with have ever met ds and he is 8 now.
Unless we go to a specific play place, then i tend to avoid as much as possible, taking him any where with me Sad when it means i am going to be stressed by him Sad
I had severe PND and have never been good with children of any description.I have questioned attention deficit becuase he is unlike any child i have known, and very unlike any of my friends children.
I spent months when he was a toddler staying in the house becuase i could not cope with him out side.
I feel judged and like i am crap allot of the time.

OP posts:
ragged · 16/08/2011 18:29

Do you think you're just having a low moment?
Not your fault that you had severe PND, doesn't sound like it was resolved properly.
How bad is your DS behaviour? I have one DC who drives everyone barmy. My experience of parenthood would be so different if he were my only.

Original poster
mrsnesbit · 16/08/2011 18:33

Ahh hes not bad, he is polite, and funny but he has no attention span.
Would be out on the trampoline or on his bike form 7 am if i let him. No interest in any of those electronic game thingies that all of his peers are into.
Im rather glad about that tbh, he is very very active.
He has a destructive streak too so i worry about property & toys.

he is my only and that is one of the main reasons, because serously could not cope with another.

OP posts:
FreudianSlipper · 16/08/2011 18:34

i was quite surprised when meting up with friends the other week they asked where ds was and i said nursery then one said we have bought our you just wanted a day off he could have come. damn right i did what is wrong with that does not mean i love ds any less and i am not getting sucked into being a martyr mum

do not beat yourself up, this is probably a ig factor why you are finding your son hard work because you are being to hard on yourself nothing you do is going to be good enough. i love spending time with ds but i love being by myself too i do not need to be with him all the time, he does not need to be with me all the time

do you feel you might still be depressed, giving yourself a hard time is not making your life an easier be more gentle with yourself

MightyQuim · 16/08/2011 18:34

I don't blame you for taking any opportunity to have a child-free coffee. Your friends are probably jealous that they had their kids with them and couldn't relax tbh.
From what you've posted it does sound like your ds behaves quite disruptively for his age but I'm no expert as my eldest is 3! Does his school have any concerns about his behaviour?

Original poster
mrsnesbit · 16/08/2011 18:37

school always had me in, but adamant that he is normal.
This last eyar he has been very good.
Me & dh are consistent, he is well disciplined and knows what is right & wrong. DH is wonderful with him.
I am just a short tempered bag.

OP posts:
coccyx · 16/08/2011 18:37

he is with his Dad!!! stop being so tough on yourself. I love meeting friends without my offspring with me.

HedleyLamarr · 16/08/2011 18:37

Why shouldn't you leave your DS with DH? If he's at home then what is the problem? Have you told them he causes you grief in public? You're not a bad mother just because you don't find it easy.

MightyQuim · 16/08/2011 18:46

Kids are hard. Everyone loses their temper sometimes as much as we'd all rather be perfectly calm at all times we are human beings and kids can push buttons very well.
If your ds can be a bit of a handful and very active sitting in a coffee shop while his mum has a coffee and chats to friends is probably his idea of hell anyway. Much better to take him to softplay or the park where he can run his energy off.

toptramp · 16/08/2011 18:51

Your friends sound martyrish and a bit unhinged. I think anyone in their right mind would relish a child free coffee. Try to take it with a pinch of salt. IMO I am a better mum if I have time away from dd.

WilsonFrickett · 16/08/2011 19:05

Good God woman, if my DH was off work for 6 weeks in the summer DS wouldn't see me for dust Grin. Think of the coffees! The shopping! The peace and quiet!

He was with his father, not down a coal-mine.

Seriously though you do sound a bit down on yourself. Do you want to do more with him and feel you can't?

revolutionscoop · 16/08/2011 19:17

I can relate. If I'm meeting friends for coffee and am able to leave ds with dh, I generally do. Am always happy to take along my dd's because they'll sit there nicely and chat quietly and generally behave in a way which doesn't sabotage my coffee & chat. Ds is liable to get bored, fidget & moan. Having said that, he gets much less practice at learning to be patient in those situations, simply because I'll avoid doing those things with him, unless the friends I'm meeting have boys a similar age for him to play with. He does get left out at times, and like you, I feel guilty about that.

cleanteeth · 16/08/2011 19:27

I LOVE spending time on my own!! I dont get much of it so when it comes along I relish it. There's nothing wrong with going for a coffee on your own, or the fact none of your work collegues have met him either.
You sound very down on yourself but it doesnt sound like you have any need to be. Keep positive, the more negatively you think the more of a negative rut you get stuck in

twinklypearls · 16/08/2011 19:29

Why should you dh not have your son if he is on holiday?

I love time alone without my daughter and I think that is quite natural.

As for the PND sometimes it takes years to recover and sometimes even when the PND has gone you are left with coping strategies that may not be helping you with your son in the long term. My dp is fabulous with my dd and when he came along he could see that I was struggling and arranged lots of help and took over. Whilst it helped at the time it did mean that I did not spend much time with dd which prevented me from bonding with her once the PND had gone. I can say that dd was about 6 years old before I started to enjoy parenting her.

I once read on here that you have to be very careful comparing your inner thoughts and feelings to the exteriors that people choose to share with you. I am sure most people have times when their children drive them mad but you don't see that, you can't read their minds.

An only child can also be a lot of work, you have to be their parent and their playmate. I often invite friends over for dd to play with and life is much easier.

Feel free to PM me if you want to chat to someone who understands.

Take care and do not be too hard on yourself. The fact that you want to do better suggests that you are actually are a very good parent.

Verahaspurpletwuntypants · 16/08/2011 19:30

DH was a SAHD for the past 2 years. He was more than capable of looking after DCs. Personally to expect you to take DCs everywhere with you is a bit U on the part of your friends. Are they jealous perhaps?

Choufleur · 16/08/2011 19:32

I sometimes book a day's annual leave during the week so that I can take DS to school and then have the day to myself (often just to go back to bed).

twinklypearls · 16/08/2011 19:32

Having time on your own enables you to be an interesting mother and wife.

Balsam · 16/08/2011 19:58

Your friends are jealous. Seriously. I have two DCs and child-free time for me is incredibly rare. I would be jealous of you if we met for coffee. You're making the most of your DH being temporarily available to do the childcare and rightly so.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 16/08/2011 20:11

Pah! they sound jealous! I would be Grin

Seriously, if your DH went to meet up with his mates do you think they'd immediately ask him why he doesn't have DS with him? I doubt it. Can't see my DP and his mates getting up in arms about it. Hell, some even forget he has children at all Hmm

Don't beat yourself up about it. Enjoy your free time safe in the knowledge your DS is having a fab time with his dad Smile

halcyondays · 16/08/2011 21:38

Good point, Desperately. Nobody expects dad to have their kids with them 24/7. If my dh was off for 6 weeks, I'd gladly seize the chance to have a coffee in peace.

twinklypearls · 16/08/2011 21:44

Infact I can almost guarantee that if you DH did not have your son during the 6 weeks holiday someone else would be sniping that you let your DH treat you like a doormat.

Women cannot win.

GodKeepsGiving · 16/08/2011 23:25

I do not think that you sound like a poor parent at all. Mothering is not our only role. However, you do sound really fed up. Maybe it's worth mentioning to your GP about your feelings and your son's attention span. People can be so thoughtless - six weeks is along time with a young child particularly one with a low attention span.

AnnieLobeseder · 16/08/2011 23:30

Some people are just solitary animals. I am one. I take every single opportunity I can to go out without DH or the DDs. Doesn't mean I don't love them, but I prefer to do my own thing. I am somewhat perplexed by people who seem to want to spend every waking moment with their DCs, and I'm sure they are perplexed by me. Doesn't make either of us right or wrong, just different.

You aren't a crap mum at all. You love your DS, he is happy and healthy. How can anyone expect more?

Popbiscuit · 16/08/2011 23:33

Mrs. Nesbit Sounds perfectly normal to me. I have 3 DC and DC 2 is exactly as you describe. Love him to bits but he makes everything more difficult. Would happily leave him with DH/sitter/granny whenever possible. With that kind of kid, you simply must take a break now and again as they are so full-on all the time. No guilt. You sound like a great mum.
Is your name related to Toy Story? We do a funny line in "Mrs. Nesbit" impersonations in our house Grin

tellmethefuture · 16/08/2011 23:44

Kids are people and I think none of us can spend 24/7 with any living person without going nuts. So you need a break sometimes and if your dh is happy enough, no problem. It doesn't matter what other people say/think if it works for you and your fam.

In saying that, I definitely think some people are more cut out to be parents than others, and just generally have more patience and tolerance for kids. I'm not judging you cos I wouldn't include myself among those people. At least you have the self-awareness to admit that you find parenting difficult.

Original poster
mrsnesbit · 17/08/2011 19:46

popbiscuit..YES!!! My name is from toy story..."cant you see, im mrs nesbit" with the hat and the tea set, it makes us laugh our heads of every single time we see that bit! hehehee Grin

So consensus of opinion is that im not a wicked woman for wanting an hour with a friend and a coffee, i do like my own company, always have, im a quiet person and as ds is such a whirlwind, i just need to have calm moments in order to best manage him and me.

Its equal too, i spend good amounts of time with him, just me & him & as a family, but he is defo a daddies boy, they do everything together. He is a happy chap and of course does not know at all that i struggle with him.

Thanks girls, you are all fab, i feel better now xxx

OP posts:
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