To punish DD like this

[CardyMow]

DD was told she could lend her friend her old iPod shuffle but categorically not to ever lend anyone her iPod nano (which I'd even had personalised!).

She lent it to her friend anyway. 8 weeks ago. I only found out today, when I asked DD to bring it down so I could put some new songs on it.

Not only that, but 6 weeks ago, I was asked by DD and aforementioned friend if friend could borrow my iPod charger. I asked why and the firend told me that her friend's iPod charger had broken. I'm glad I said NO because that was obviously a BLATANT lie, she wanted it to charge DD's iPod, I bet.

DD also lent this friend her brand new PE trainers (£30!) 4 weeks before the end of the school term (again, I only found out today as I was going through uniform to check it). DD had only had them for 2 weeks at that point as she'd just gone up a shoe size. Apparently DD lent them to her friend as she had forgotten hers and had footy after school. Friend STILL has trainers, and I assume has been wearing them all holidays, so I will now have to buy a NEW pair for DD's PE kit.

I have told DD she is going to friend's house tomorrow, and getting both things back, and if not then I will be going straight round there!

I have also told DD that if iPod is not returnedin good condition, or not at all (having panics about that), then DD will not get a main present at Christmas, to show her how hard it is for me to find the money for things like this, and she needs to respect what I tell her. AIBU to punish DD like this?

DD is 13.5yo, but has ASD, and is easily led, and friend told DD that her iPod shuffle was crap and she wanted to borrow the nano, and DD let her even though I had told her it wasn't to be lent. I want to impress on DD that I can't afford to basically be paying for SOMEONE ELSE'S DC'S shoes, or to lose money on something as expensive as an iPod nano, and she can't do things like this, no matter HOW MUCH her friend begs her.

DD is 13.5yo, but developmentally 2-3 yrs younger due to the ASD and her GDD (Global Devlopment Delay). AIBU with the punishment or not?

Dont be daft. And you have mail :)

God I'd be furious. Hope you get them back tomorrow. I haven't any useful advice really; I don't know what I'd do. I'm glad you've had such good and supportive advice on here. Hope things get better for you.

Loudlass You are (understandably) angry with LIFE and this has really just tipped the scales. Girls this age can be very manipulative, nasty and bullying - I really would try not to be too angry with DD, she's just trying to be liked :( I would be really annoyed with 'the friend' though and I would be taking DD to show me where they live - but I would go back later without her (beg a friend to mind the kids for an hour) and I would be having quite the chat with her and her parents.

(Just ignore the fuckwits who want to pull your life apart - they're sanctimonious twats!!)

Did you get the stuff back today, OP? I hope so!

Hows it going?

Loudlass - my heart goes out to you and to your dd (and I bloody wish I were still living in Essex so I could offer to come round and cheer you up/get you tiddly/bring you chocolate cake).

Would it help your dd understand the value of the items she's lent out, if she had to 'earn' them back? Make up a list of jobs round the house, and how much you will pay her for them (not huge sums of money - a pound or so), and make a chart that tracks how much money she has earned, and how much she needs to earn to get her nano back, or her trainers.

I would also be wanting to have a word with her friend and her friend's parents. If the friend comes round to your house, can you ask her where she lives or her home phone number, and get in touch with the parents that way? Then have a chat with them about your dd's condition, and how it's really hard for her to refuse if her friend asks to borrow something - and then ask if you or they can explain this to their dd, and tell her to stop asking to borrow dd's things.

I hope you get the things back, and I hope things start to improve soon.

{{hugs}}

I got DD to take me to this girls' house yesterday, it took the girl over an hour to find the iPod, which is still working but has quite a few scratches on that it didn't have before. The Mum of the girl tore her a new one told her off, and told her DD not to ask to borrow things like that again. I also got the trainers back, AND a hoody I didn't even know she had . . Just so relieved that we have got it back and it still works. DD has been told that she has to earn it back by doing chores - like helping me to carry the shopping home today when she wouldn't normally go with me!!

Didn't get on here last night as I am nursing the most god-awful toothache, have had an exam at dentists, I have an exposed nerve, they are going to try to fill it on Monday, and if that doesn't work, then I've got to have root canal work done.

Glad you got a good result with the girl's parents. Had visions of her being difficult.

Hope you feel better soon

Also glad the mum sorted her daughter out, I was also worried she'd ignore the problem. Hopefully you won't have any more issues

so glad you got the stuff back loudlass, and that her mum took it seriously.

hope the tooth feels better soon!

Gosh what a rubbish week you're having. Glad you got the stuff back. Er, at least your leg hasn't burst into spontaneous flames and fallen off. :)

Glad you got the things back. I have only just read the thread and felt really at the other girl. Pleased that her mum did the right thing too. Can you get your DD to 'check in' her valuable possessions each night? (once she earns the iPod back, that is...)

Hope your toothache improves. You can get stuff from a chemist to apply to it while waiting for your appointment. Or take decent painkillers.

Good result.

Was just about to post to say the right "punishment" for your DD is to go round to the "friend's" house, with you and the friend's mum there, and ask for her stuff back. DD will find it incredibly embarrassing so punishment enough.

And then I saw that's what you'd done anyway

Glad you got all your DDs things back :)

I'm glad you've got the things back, loudlass - and even more glad that the other girl's mum took it seriously too.

Glad you got the stuff back and the girl got a bollocking.

Oh good , you got everything back! Hope you feel better soon x

Your poor dd. I would be going around to this 'friend's' house to collect, and not allow her into the house again.
I would also have a word with the school, who should be giving your dd more help to decide who is a friend and what friendship is.

Ah good, you got her stuff back

Tried a temporary filling, but it won't stay as the hole is on the gum line.

Nope, no char-grilling there.

Glad you got the ipod etc back. I read about the lack of statement for your dc's and wondered if you have tried appealing when the statement is refused (apologies if you have done this/ appeals process no longer exists).
Due to your financial situation maybe you could get assistance?

Also these might be of interest
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/DG_10016455
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/DG_10012232

Also my sympathies re the bitey baby, my ds is 6mo and now has a lovely sharp tooth.