To punish DD like this

[CardyMow]

DD was told she could lend her friend her old iPod shuffle but categorically not to ever lend anyone her iPod nano (which I'd even had personalised!).

She lent it to her friend anyway. 8 weeks ago. I only found out today, when I asked DD to bring it down so I could put some new songs on it.

Not only that, but 6 weeks ago, I was asked by DD and aforementioned friend if friend could borrow my iPod charger. I asked why and the firend told me that her friend's iPod charger had broken. I'm glad I said NO because that was obviously a BLATANT lie, she wanted it to charge DD's iPod, I bet.

DD also lent this friend her brand new PE trainers (£30!) 4 weeks before the end of the school term (again, I only found out today as I was going through uniform to check it). DD had only had them for 2 weeks at that point as she'd just gone up a shoe size. Apparently DD lent them to her friend as she had forgotten hers and had footy after school. Friend STILL has trainers, and I assume has been wearing them all holidays, so I will now have to buy a NEW pair for DD's PE kit.

I have told DD she is going to friend's house tomorrow, and getting both things back, and if not then I will be going straight round there!

I have also told DD that if iPod is not returnedin good condition, or not at all (having panics about that), then DD will not get a main present at Christmas, to show her how hard it is for me to find the money for things like this, and she needs to respect what I tell her. AIBU to punish DD like this?

DD is 13.5yo, but has ASD, and is easily led, and friend told DD that her iPod shuffle was crap and she wanted to borrow the nano, and DD let her even though I had told her it wasn't to be lent. I want to impress on DD that I can't afford to basically be paying for SOMEONE ELSE'S DC'S shoes, or to lose money on something as expensive as an iPod nano, and she can't do things like this, no matter HOW MUCH her friend begs her.

DD is 13.5yo, but developmentally 2-3 yrs younger due to the ASD and her GDD (Global Devlopment Delay). AIBU with the punishment or not?

Am I the only person thinking that all of these belongings are very excessive? Both me and OH work full time and the last pair of trainers I bought cost £17.50, they are a pair of DC's so not crap. My ipod is 5 years old and I have no intention of replacing it until it stops working. 13/14yo's do lend things to each other and do go against what they are told because they don't want to seem 'uncool', I was always swapping things with my girl friends when I was that age.
Yes DD is vulnerable, all the more reason to not spend stupid amounts on things that aren't necessary?
Instead of waiting until xmas to punish her why don't you go and get her sfuff back, not buy a new pair of trainers but make her wear the ones she lent out, and give her back the shuffle until such a time as she understands the value of money?
I find it odd that you can afford to spend hundreds on an ipod but not afford a small monthly premium for important things like house insurance. Even if they had doubled your premium there are comparison websites that can find a much cheaper deal. Priorities.

I DO have a rule of not allowing the iPod out of the house unless hse is with me and we are on a long journey. I can't ring the parent as I don't have the phone number. (Or any credit till tomorrow I get my Tax credits tomorrow). I can't drag my younger children out that far at this time of night either.

I know IABU, but I'm just soooooo fucking angry that this has happened AGAIN! Why oh why wont DD learn? I'm sitting here not to burst into tears. And I KNOW it's the so-called 'friend' I'm more angry at, but why do people have to fucking take advantage? I scrimp and save all fucking year to buy nice presents for my dc, they get next to fuck all through the rest of the year so that they get a nice Christmas, and other people talk her into giving them HER stuff. It happens time and time and fucking time again, and I can't be there 24/7 with a 13.5yo, especially with 3 younger dc to look after.

And I won't give DD this punishment, I can see IABU, but what to do instead to drive the message home?

i agree with pp who said to keep it black and white.
no lending AT ALL.
at least, not until she can distinguish between lending something and being likely to get it back and someone just taking advantage.

if she doesn't get the trainers or the ipod back then her punishment will be using her own money to replace the trainers, and not having an ipod at all.

it's a horrid lesson to have to learn. that people you like can take your stuff and leave you like this :(

i wouldn't go round now anyway, but get her to take you round tomorrow and have a talk with the mum about the items and ask for them back.

Yanbu to be angry with your daughter. If this were my 9 year old, I'd chew him up for that!! I am not surprised you are fuming!

However yabu to spin the punishment out till Christmas, I feel.

I know you are angry, and I would be too, but trust me, you'll be over it by Christmas.

I got DD the iPod for her 12th birthday, as her 'interest' (to do with the asd) is music. It is ALL she does, listen to music. 18 motnhs ago when she got it, I was in a relationship, and my partner at the time was working. Fast forward 18 months, and I have had another baby, DP has left me, and I'm not working due to a number of factors. So when my insurance renewal was due, and I was told my premiums would double, I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE MONEY. Most people on Income Support don't. And I AM job hunting, I have applied for 5 jobs now, in the 10 weeks since my Ex-P left me, I posted an application form to Waitrose only this morning.

The trainers, were Nike, and they were the ONLY plain black VELCRO trainers I could find in a size 5, as they get detention if they do not have correct PE kit, isolation for a second offence, suspension for a third offence, and they HAVE to have totally plain black trainers. And due to her problems, DD can't tie laces quickly enough at PE changing time for the bitch of a teacher not to give her detention. PE teacher REFUSES to give DD extra time to change, depite HoY telling her frequently. . So THAT'S why DD has a £30 pair of PE trainers. All the cheap plain black ones have laces in a ladies size 5. So fucking sue me for spending more on something to help DD than on fucking contents insurance.

Soooooo, does anyone have some alternative punishments that maight get the message about not lending stuff through to DD??

none at all that would remotely work with DD (also 13, AS, glued to iPod). 'normal' teenage punishments make life so much more difficult it's just not worth it.

?

I apologise for mouthiness. Am just bloody struggling atm, one of my other 4 dc has asd also.

I don't think this is a situation in which any punishment will be effective, TBH. Your DD is already without her stuff, which is a punishment in itself.

Instead, I think you should spend some time talking with her about what makes a good friend, and what friends do (and DON'T do) for each other. Make a list with her of things you do, and things you don't and keep it somewhere accessible so you can refer to it again. She needs to develop strategies for making/maintaining friendships. Speak to her teachers about this too, as they should be supporting her social development.

It sounds as if she thinks that this is what friends do, and that she must lend her stuff in order to keep her friends- do you really think that this needs punishing?

I wish I could have some . Still bf DS3 (6.5mo) as I can't afford to stop! I was intending to have stopped by now.

her punishment is that she has no Ipod surely???

Tethersend, I know she doesn't need punishing, I'm just at the end of my tether with it all. Littleloud is teething badly too.

p.s you can def have a bit of wine while breastfeeding!!!

p.s you can def have a bit of wine while breastfeeding!!!

Just noticed the pun - unintentional!

I don't think YABU, you sound like a fair mum who has had this trouble before and hasn't got the money to pay for other children's ipods. Taking dd's developmental issues in to consideration (hope I don't sound offensive) and say thinking of someone who has the emotional awareness of say a 10 year old, I'd still expect a 10 year old to have learned after the first time.

Hope you get the Ipod back anyway

dunno if this helps but clarks do plimsolls up to a 5.5?

There are so many things in that statement that are wrong. I'm not going to get into a slanging match but I still don't get why she needs 2 ipods. Sure the trainers thing I understand, but 2 ipods? And you've had another baby when money was tight before? I'm not on my high horse here but why have another baby if you're struggling already? I'm not a troll, that's just my opinion.
With regards to shite teachers, maybe a meeting with the head so you can explain things a little clearer about the treatment you expect your DD to get?

i do think you need to have a word with this "friends" parents. She sounds like a nasty piece of work. Some people will always accept bad behaviour from friends because they aren't very confident, I was just the same in school.

But then she'll ask for a new iPod for her main present at Christmas...what do I do then??

No help - they're not allowed plimsolls, has to be hard - soled trainers. But ta anyway!

why are we discussing the OP's money situation and whether or not she should have had another child?????

wtf has that got to do with her original post?

really. some people are so rude.

OP said she was with her partner when she bought Ipod so presumably better off, and all (I expect) wasn't planning on her "d"p to fuck off with this one one on the way

Is this "friend" really a friend or is she bullying your DD?

well (assuming she doesn't get the Ipod back) I would say that you have a spending limit on christmas presents and you can't afford one?

or, if you would spend that much on her normally then just say that you are not buying her one until she can learn to stop lending things to friends.