To punish DD like this

[CardyMow]

DD was told she could lend her friend her old iPod shuffle but categorically not to ever lend anyone her iPod nano (which I'd even had personalised!).

She lent it to her friend anyway. 8 weeks ago. I only found out today, when I asked DD to bring it down so I could put some new songs on it.

Not only that, but 6 weeks ago, I was asked by DD and aforementioned friend if friend could borrow my iPod charger. I asked why and the firend told me that her friend's iPod charger had broken. I'm glad I said NO because that was obviously a BLATANT lie, she wanted it to charge DD's iPod, I bet.

DD also lent this friend her brand new PE trainers (£30!) 4 weeks before the end of the school term (again, I only found out today as I was going through uniform to check it). DD had only had them for 2 weeks at that point as she'd just gone up a shoe size. Apparently DD lent them to her friend as she had forgotten hers and had footy after school. Friend STILL has trainers, and I assume has been wearing them all holidays, so I will now have to buy a NEW pair for DD's PE kit.

I have told DD she is going to friend's house tomorrow, and getting both things back, and if not then I will be going straight round there!

I have also told DD that if iPod is not returnedin good condition, or not at all (having panics about that), then DD will not get a main present at Christmas, to show her how hard it is for me to find the money for things like this, and she needs to respect what I tell her. AIBU to punish DD like this?

DD is 13.5yo, but has ASD, and is easily led, and friend told DD that her iPod shuffle was crap and she wanted to borrow the nano, and DD let her even though I had told her it wasn't to be lent. I want to impress on DD that I can't afford to basically be paying for SOMEONE ELSE'S DC'S shoes, or to lose money on something as expensive as an iPod nano, and she can't do things like this, no matter HOW MUCH her friend begs her.

DD is 13.5yo, but developmentally 2-3 yrs younger due to the ASD and her GDD (Global Devlopment Delay). AIBU with the punishment or not?

jeesus NoSexPlease - that is so far from the point of this thread and really very rude.

also re the trainers i would be fuming with the school and INSISTING that she be allowed to wear different trainers because of her SEN.

if they have a problem with that then go to the governers etc etc.

i know it's a fight you probably don't really need right now, but they need to know you are serious and that you will not allow her to be punished for not having the correct uniform when she simply cannot wear it

As stated - was with DP who was employed. HE FUCKING LEFT ME. While I was a SAHM. I'M TRYING TO GET A BLOODY JOB!!!! Are you going to give me one? I've been unemployed for 3 years since getting the sack for having too many seizures at work. My epilepsy has improved since then, but is still there, just not as frequent. Will YOU give me a job? I'm a hard worker when I'm not having a seizure, have lots of shop work experience, have very old typing qualifications, a C&G in CAD that I worked hard for, have no transport due to epilepsy so have to be within a 3 mile radius of Colchester town centre and easily accessible by bus. If not, then stop discussing my 'lifestyle' and either offer me some suggestions on how to teach this life lesson to me asd DD or fuck right off and when you get there, fuck off some more!!

my asd DD. I am literate, honestly!

The 'old' Ipod shuffle was bought for her when she was 10yo, the nano 2 years later when her music collection had 'outgrown' the storage capabilities of an iPod shuffle. Have I explained myself fully yet??!!

TBH, I was going to sell the shuffle for £10 as it's such an old one now, which is why I'd told DD she could lend this 'friend' that one.

Really sorry Loudlass.

My only advice is to check her pockets and bags before she leaves the house to ensure she isn't taking these things to school. You can't really punish someone who is emotionally/mentally vulnerable but it would help you immediate problem of her not 'lending' things out. Obviously that doesn't work for PE trainers, but so far as that is concerned I am really on your behalf that the PE teacher is ignoring both you and the HoY wrt changing times.

PE teacher is basically saying that she/he knows better than you and will override your decisions for your daughter. You need to put a stop to that quick smart. It is a ^huge6 lack of respect for you as a parent.

I would be telling the school that my dd will not be doing PE until the fucking bitch PE teacher does what she is supposed to do. Make an appointment with both HoY and HT to discuss your dd's specific needs. Include details of this friend and how she is manipulating your child and taking advantage. The school might be able to talk to the girls parents. Don't be fobbed off - you are the parent and no one has your child's best interests at heart more than you.

I'd go round to 'friends' house tomorrow (are they in the phone book, or on fb) and retrieve your dd's property

Hope you are okay

Ah, Loudlass- your pun made me

I know you don't really want to punish her, you just want to make sure this doesn't happen again. Of course you do. I really think that some intensive friendship work would solve this problem. Explain what is happening to school and see what they come up with.

If it helps, this is a really common issue with teenagers with ASD. It's not you.

Probably would have been wiser to ask this in SN rather than AIBU really - I'm feeling so emotionally knackered atm, and should know better after so long on MN than to post in AIBU!

Yes, clearly your DD's SN are a result of you being unemployed

School do not do 'social' work with DD, they need every minute they have with her to work on her educational needs. Stupid Essex LEA refusing to statement. Grrrrr. As for PE teacher, I've had 6 meetings in 2 years, and it only ever lasts 2 weeks. Hoy doesn't seem to have any more luck than me either. She's just a bitch, and all I can do is make it easier for DD by providing clothes she CAN get into & out of in 3 mins flat (!)

Clearly, tethers. Of course, I was earning more at 16yo doing live-in childcare when I HAD DD than I can earn now, so that doesn't really hold true!

All incredibly stressful, Loudlass.

I would go with your dd tomorrow to the 'friend's' house and politely ask for them back and say firmly but nicely to Mum that you think it might be a good idea if all of them, between them, observe a 'no borrowing' policy.

Then, rather than punishing your DD, could you spend time training and coaching ehr what to say if someone asks to borrow? You play the friend and try and ask to borrow something precious, and train to her to say 'no, I need it myself and anyway my mum doesn't allow me to lend things' or 'no, it's my special iPod and I can't manage without it'. Praise her when she gets it right.

Tell her that sharing when people come to her house to play is a good thing, but if the person takes the thing away it can't be shared, so that is NOT a good thing. People should leave other people's posessions at their own house.

It sounds as if she is trying to do the right thing by her friends and not getting it right.

I hope the items are returned promptly.

I would be cross but I think you need to sort it out. I think your DD has already been punished by not having her ipod.

Well said Loudass, was going to comment but I couldn't have worded it better.

I have found this on the internet which I also can't afford to buy
catkit-us.com/TheCATkitComponents.aspx

but one of the ideas I use is this to explain certain situations with DS, i have just used a paper plate coloured in for the different sections.

• My Circles works as a visual model on which the student's relationships, friendships, and interests can be illustrated. The most elementary way of using My Circles is by writing the names of people who the student interacts with inside the five levels of centrality: Circle 1 ? me; Circle 2 ? family, Circle 3 ? friends; Circle 4 ? professionals; Circle 5 ? Strangers. This is a great tool for teaching appropriate social skills! You can teach Theory of Mind skills by placing someone else in Circle 1 and defining what their social circles may be. It can also be used to rank interests, events, and other concepts in an infinite possibility of contexts.

Hope this helps

sounds like DD is being taken advantage of, but also maybe she doesn't value the cost/ expense of stuff, and isn't ready for that responsibility? I always used to get it in the neck from my mum because she bought expensive stuff for DS which he then lost/ lent/ broke/ dropped on floor. Just because he wasn't that bothered about owning stuff, really, and took things apart for fun. In the end I persuaded her to take him to gigs/ ballet/ riding lessons places I couldn't afford for birthdays instead. More fun, fewer arguments.
If your DD is not ready to take responsibility for expensive items maybe don't buy them till she is? Tho you can't avoid PE trainers, can you. (My DD once lost 2 school dresses and 2 complete PE kits in a term....)
But yeah, you need to be ogre mum at the friend and friend's parents about not returning stuff, and with DD about not lending it when you told her not to.

No, they are required to if it is one of her needs- which it clearly is.

Is she on SAP? This issue needs addressing as it could potentially leave her vulnerable as she gets older. It most definitely is the school's responsibility to work on social skills. How much support does she currently receive? If she needs more support than the school can provide, then the school has a responsibility to apply for a statement in order to secure that support (I appreciate that this is not as easy in practice).

WRT the PE teacher, it may be worth gently reminding school of their responsibilities wrt the DDA and differentiation. Ask to see a copy of the school's Equal Opportunities policy.

That was in reference to school BTW.

That's awful :( I really hope you get the items back tomorrow.

I had children do this to me until high school. I don't have any experience of ASD but would your daughter understand a chat, like a poster mentioned above, about how some children don't have nice things and are jealous so will sometimes try and take them? My Mum did the jealousy talk with me several times (which helped when 'friends' melted away after I started refusing to give them things).

Maybe the punishment could be handing over the ipod to you and she only gets it when you are in the house and she has to hand it back before bedtime every day? You could keep it in a locked drawer/buy a cheap cashier's box and put it away. My parents did a similar thing with my bank book when I was 12 and it was very effective - I didn't see that book for two years, by which point I was virtually Scrooge!

Sorry, WRT the locked drawer, I don't mean that she can't be trusted but that if it is locked away then friends can't talk her into getting it out 'just to look at' etc.

Fuck me , loudlass, you are feisty awesome! Loved your post.
I'd employ you, alas I aren't an employer and I am oop north.
I got similar qualification, and it wernt a walk int park. Respect to you. Hope u find a job, being out of work is shite innit.

Yep, she's on SA+, I've tried to get her statemented, but Essex LEA deem that she has made progress (better since Sec. school, but still 2/3 yrs behind, was 4/5 yrsbehind at the end of primary), So no statement. shitty as hell, can't reapply till October. I'm applying every 6 months in the hope that I piss the LEA off so much that they give in. School won't admit there's any social skills problems. . Yes, of course....

Does she have a diagnosis of ASD?

Has she seen an EP?

Have school ever completed an SA1?

A student doesn't have to be behind academically to get a statement.

Well done for keeping at it.

Use this incident to prove to school that there are indeed social skills problems.

As you've already said, your DD doesn't need punishing per se but something needs to change so that she stops lending/being persuaded to lend things out.

Given her ASD and GDD would it work for her to write a social story type thing to give to the 'friend' when you both pop round tomorrow to collect her ipod and trainers?

It could be a sort of 'all about DD's name' book with pictures/drawings that your DD has done and a sentence beneath that makes some sort of relevant statement e.g. DD's drawing of her and friend with "I am DD's name and XX is my friend".
Next page, picture of ipod, musical notes and music stuff with "I like listening to music. YY is my favourite".
Third page; drawing of friend and DD with ipod between them, "sometimes XX wants to borrow my ipod".
Page 4; picture of sad looking DD and sad looking Loudlass, "My mum says I must not let XX borrow my ipod".
Page 5; picture of DD and friend smiling, "XX shows she is my friend by not asking me to do things that make Mum sad".
Page 6; DD with Loudlass whose speech bubble says 'no lending or borrowing', "I am XX's friend. I do not have to lend her anything - we can still be friends"

Obviously it would need to be a darn sight better than that but I don't know your DD and where she's at with things! Her being required to put in the effort to help make a book to give to the 'friend' could be in lieu of any punishment. Perhaps it would need a final page that says, "this book is a present from DD and Loudlass to XX - XX can keep it forever" so your DD gets that lending and borrowing are different from giving presents? Maybe a photocopy could be done too for DD to keep and refer to when people ask her to lend them things.

Tis only a thought but it might help you channel some of your fury into a way to help reduce the incidences of your DD being 'used' in the same way in the future.