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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To punish DD like this

121 replies

CardyMow · 15/08/2011 19:18

DD was told she could lend her friend her old iPod shuffle but categorically not to ever lend anyone her iPod nano (which I'd even had personalised!).

She lent it to her friend anyway. 8 weeks ago. I only found out today, when I asked DD to bring it down so I could put some new songs on it.

Not only that, but 6 weeks ago, I was asked by DD and aforementioned friend if friend could borrow my iPod charger. I asked why and the firend told me that her friend's iPod charger had broken. I'm glad I said NO because that was obviously a BLATANT lie, she wanted it to charge DD's iPod, I bet.

DD also lent this friend her brand new PE trainers (£30!) 4 weeks before the end of the school term (again, I only found out today as I was going through uniform to check it). DD had only had them for 2 weeks at that point as she'd just gone up a shoe size. Apparently DD lent them to her friend as she had forgotten hers and had footy after school. Friend STILL has trainers, and I assume has been wearing them all holidays, so I will now have to buy a NEW pair for DD's PE kit.

I have told DD she is going to friend's house tomorrow, and getting both things back, and if not then I will be going straight round there!

I have also told DD that if iPod is not returnedin good condition, or not at all (having panics about that), then DD will not get a main present at Christmas, to show her how hard it is for me to find the money for things like this, and she needs to respect what I tell her. AIBU to punish DD like this?

DD is 13.5yo, but has ASD, and is easily led, and friend told DD that her iPod shuffle was crap and she wanted to borrow the nano, and DD let her even though I had told her it wasn't to be lent. I want to impress on DD that I can't afford to basically be paying for SOMEONE ELSE'S DC'S shoes, or to lose money on something as expensive as an iPod nano, and she can't do things like this, no matter HOW MUCH her friend begs her.

DD is 13.5yo, but developmentally 2-3 yrs younger due to the ASD and her GDD (Global Devlopment Delay). AIBU with the punishment or not?

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Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:13

tethers - DXD at 4yo, I got handed a bunch of leaflets and basically left to get on with it.

EP seen last in Sept of Y7, being seen again in Sept, start of Y9.

SA1? lost me there?

School won't apply for a statement, so I keep applying, in the vain hope that the LEA will eventually listen to me.

In Essex the LEA is breaking the law on this they say that there DOES have to be a certain lvl behind academically or no statement. Despite blanket policies being illegal.

Just haven't got the energy to personally fight it tbh. Too much else to deal with, but it's not just me who finds this with Essex.

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Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:15

I can see the logic of what you've suggested, SE13, but if you presented a social story to an NT 13yo, it would be round the school in 2 mins flat, and the other dc would rip the piss out of DD mercilessly. Might hhave worked 4 yrs ago, but not now, it'd only make things WORSE for DD.

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Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:17

I've been trying to get DD statemented since she was 7yo and not able to read at all. 6 years of fighting is enough to exhaust the strongest of people, let alone someone in my situation right now.

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Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:20

I do the best I can to help DD within my abilities. I'm just worn out with LIFE right now. I never expected to be a disabled single mum to 4dc, 2 of whom have asd. Ex-DP is having the fucking time of his life right now, swanning off to concerts and bloody house parties (he's thirty-fucking-six), and I'm left holding the baby and trying to deal with everything, manage my epilepsy AND find a fucking job and childcare.

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tethersend · 15/08/2011 21:21

Essex has a reputation- mind you, most other boroughs are the same now.

The SA1 is the form school completes which forms the first part of the statementing process. Does she receive any support? What form does it take? Does she have an IEP? When is it reviewed? Make sure there is a social skills based target on her IEP at the next review, and refuse to sign it unless there is one. What reasons have they given for not applying for a statement?

Oh God, sorry, so many questions- and ones which you're probably sick of answering. You just need a big sit down and a massive gin and tonic and I'm interrogating you.

banana87 · 15/08/2011 21:21

YANBU. Even though your DD has ASD (which I am very well aware of as I work with children and teens with ASD), it is NOT an excuse for her behaviour. True, she may have been easily led, but she will not learn her lesson if she is not punished for her actions, especially as you specifically told her the rules. I hope the belongings come back unharmed.

banana87 · 15/08/2011 21:22

P.S. I would also be having a word with DD's friend's mum.

tethersend · 15/08/2011 21:25

"she will not learn her lesson if she is not punished for her actions"

With all due respect, banana87 (I am also a teacher who works with children and teens with ASD), that's utter drivel.

Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:25

She gets 2 hrs a week help with maths, and 2 hrs a week help with reading & spelling. Her IEP's are reviewede twice a year, not with me present (typical of all the schools in my town now), and is posted home for me to sign. No social skills on IEP, but the school at last SEN meeting refused to put any on there as 'DD has lots of friends, has no problems socially'...except all but 2 friends (a set of twins we have known for years, whose mum works with sn teens) take advantage of DD. The school refuse to accept this.

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Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:26
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tethersend · 15/08/2011 21:30

You are required to approve the IEP. It is mandatory for it to be reviewed and approved by parents/carers.

Put bluntly, don't sign it unless you are happy that the targets address her areas of need.

The schools is failing in its duty of care if they are not keeping your DD safe- and being taken advantage of by peers means she is vulnerable, and will only become moreso if they do not address the problem. Ask the school to define 'friends', and cite these examples as evidence that this is not friendship.

You need a meeting with the SENCo.

Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:30

And don't even get me started on the primary school taking away DS2's help, and taking him off not just SA+, but SA as well, because he has caught up academically. Despite the fact that his handwriting is at a 4yo lvl due to his muscle problems, and he is 7.8yo and about to start the juniors. 'No money' yeah, cos they've got TWO dc with aspergers and ADHD that I personally know that the school refuse to help with statementing!! So DS2's helper has gone to help these dc, half the day each - even THEY don't get 1-2-1.

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tethersend · 15/08/2011 21:32
Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:32

I didn't sign the last one. The school carried on as they were anyway...I met with the SenCo in June to discuss this issue and it made not a jot of difference.

Oh - the dc I know one is DS1's stepbrother, and the other is a very close friend's son. Who I have helped to put in her OWN application for a statement as the school wouldn't help. So I know them quite well!

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Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:33
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Whathashappenedtomyboobs · 15/08/2011 21:34

Loudlass, I don't know/understand your Childs condition but I just wanted to wish you the best - sounds like you've had a hard time but are still fighting :). You said your child was teething, mine to and I can barely cope with that- your superwoman. Chin up x

worraliberty · 15/08/2011 21:34

I wouldn't spend that amount of money on someone so careless to be honest. It doesn't sound as though she appreciates the value...maybe because she's so young and hasn't had to work for things?

Black velcro trainers are pretty easy to get anywhere...especially on the internet.

Personally, I'd tell her she's getting nothing else expensive until she learns to value them.

Whathashappenedtomyboobs · 15/08/2011 21:36
Biscuit
Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:39

And if DS3 bites my boob one more time....

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Whathashappenedtomyboobs · 15/08/2011 21:42

Walk away have 5 mins to calm down

Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:48

Nah, I was considering removal of the sharp implements. Instead I have put him on the mat until he is really ready to feed.

Never bf a baby with teeth before. Realising why now.

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Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:50

Mibby - they actually would be perfect. I didn't have the net when I got DD's last pair (old laptop was broken, got this new one from my family for my 30th in June. So I had to get what was available in my local town. Which wasn't much!

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Mibby · 15/08/2011 21:51

Glad to be of some help :) you have my sympathy with the biting baby too, mines doing the same

Original poster
CardyMow · 15/08/2011 21:57

Don't feel like superwoman atm. Feel like bloody useless woman.

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