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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be uncomfortable with DH going to meet mortgage advisor without me

32 replies

JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 10:17

DH is in a strop (often happens).

Today he's arranged to meet the mortgage advisor as our flat mortgage has run out of the fixed period. He's going on his own as he wants to. I'm pretty pissed off as I expect to hear all the options, not just the one DH wants. We often have different ideas. Also, the flat is in joint names as is the current mortgage. Is there anyway he can remortgage in just his name without me there?

OP posts:
Kayano · 15/08/2011 10:23

DH is a wally.

Go with him and get your own strop on. It's not just his house or his remortgage!

iskra · 15/08/2011 10:26

You'd have to sign.

solidgoldbrass · 15/08/2011 10:26

Go with him. He can't physically prevent you and if he tries to tell the mortgage adviser that he doesn't want you there, he will look like either an idiot or an abuser.

SuchProspects · 15/08/2011 10:27

If you both have different ideas about what's best, it might be good to both visit independently then discuss at home before going in together.

I'd be annoyed if my DH appeared to want to remortgage the flat without my full, informed input and consent. He can't do it without you on board (at least, not legally). But if you think he wants to go along, speak to them and then give you an edited list of the choices he thinks are OK and you aren't happy with that YANBU.

Original poster
JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 10:28

I'm not going to have a crap day because he's stroppy and dictates it, I'm going to the farm with DS and friends and planned a lovely day out. I prefer to do this than get drawn in.

He can just book a second appointment for both of us if he can't do anything without me.

OP posts:
worldgonecrazy · 15/08/2011 10:28

He could do it if he forged your signature as you will both need to sign. I think him not wanting you there is a bit of a red flag. Why does he not want you to go? Has he articulated his reasons?

SheCutOffTheirTails · 15/08/2011 10:30

In the circumstances yanbu, but if your relationship was a good one you would trust him to go and still give you all the options before you decided, and he would be fine with you going along.

Have you any children?

I'm not sure it makes sense to buy another property with someone you don't trust not to sell it out from under you.

Time to cut your losses, take your money out of the flat sale and go it alone?

Original poster
JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 10:31

worldgonecrazy-no he hasn't ,he stropped out like a giant 2 yr old 'I want to g0 on my own'

OP posts:
Original poster
JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 10:32

He's rather full of him self of late as he has a job paying more than double what we (both) used to earn and I have a job (thanks to pt and kids) paying half what we earned each.

OP posts:
SuchProspects · 15/08/2011 10:53

Jackson That sounds like a big red flag you need to address ASAP. If he is thinking he has more authority over your finances because he earns more when you have taken a big hit to have and look after his (and your, obviously) kids you are on a slippery slope. Get some counseling and tackle it now. Or get a FT job and tell him he needs to pick up the kids half the time, deal with half the sickness, remember half the appointments and cover half the holidays. But don't let it continue, because you will lose all respect for each other.

ZillionChocolate · 15/08/2011 10:53

I'd be happy for my DH to go alone, and he would be happy for me to go alone. If you can't trust him to give you the details, and if he's likely to give you an edited version, that's the problem.

grubbalo · 15/08/2011 11:01

Yep, agree with Zillion. I'd actually be delighted if DH said he was going off to the mortgage advisor on his own, infact I'd positively welcome the break from dealing with that kind of thing (he is very happy for me to deal with the mortgage, bills etc as I am apparently the one that "understands" finances!!)

However I agree that I'd only be happy because I totally trust him (and I know that the reason he's happy for me to sort things is because he totally trusts me) - if you feel he has a hidden agenda or isn't being totally transparent, then that is where your problem lies

AnyFucker · 15/08/2011 11:02

who the fuck does he think he is ?

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 11:04

Sorry, but I'd be phoning the mortgage advisor and cancelling the meeting before he gets there, because you can't both make it. I'd AT THE VERY LEAST be calling to check that nothing can be decided or signed without you there. I know you're on the mortgage too but I really wouldn't trust that they need both signatures. CALL AND CHECK!!!

If he has started being a dick about stuff now that he feels like the big boss earning person, you need to stamp that out quick. Double quick. It will undermine your relationship quicker than you can say 'controlling wanker'. As SuchProspects says, make it clear that if he's going to react like a complete tool to the new arrangements for the family, then in order to preserve the good relationship you currently have, you are going to have to get a FT job and tell him he needs to pick up the kids half the time, deal with half the sickness, remember half the appointments and cover half the holidays. If he's thick enough to need that sort of arrangement to remind him not to start acting like he lives in the 1950s, though, it's a bit of a disappointment all round!

Original poster
JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 11:04

I guess it's the feminist in me that objects. I'm very capable with finances and maths and I resent being treated like a kept woman like it's all too big for me. I'm used to being in control of what I do, or joint control, and I resent it.

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 15/08/2011 11:05

Can you instruct a different mortgage advisor online such as town and country. We used them and they were good. Or just do a bit of online research somewhere like Martin Lewis website often has best buy tables. So then you know what's available without havingthe arse of going to an appt.

Original poster
JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 11:07

He just rung and asked me to go! Ha- he knows I understand it more than him (recently worked out a change in our other mortgage that saved us £100k in interest and 8 years over the term of the mortgage by spending only £150 a month more!)

I am still going out though as I hate people who dump friends at the last min when they've changed their plans for you, I think it's very very rude so it's being re-arranged.

OP posts:
Original poster
JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 11:08

Viva- the guy we use is amazing, he can find a mortgage when it looks impossible and has done.

OP posts:
ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 11:08

Well yes you should be in joint control. Seriously, do HIM a favour too and get this sorted. He'll lose out in the end if you don't, because you will leave him. As you should. As will any other normal person who doesn't want to be treated like a child in her relationship.

I'd call and cancel the appointment, or call now while he is there and make a point of ensuring that they know that you have not yet been consulted. Yes, I'd be more than happy to embarass him while he's sitting there.

What a catch, not.

ShoutyHamster · 15/08/2011 11:09

HAHA!

Let this be a lesson to him...

Rearrange when it's convenient for you.

And give him a pep talk on not treating people like shit if he wants their cooperation. Or, indeed, for them to want to continue to have sex with him.

Original poster
JacksonPollocks · 15/08/2011 11:13

I feel like I'm putting my foot down like this at least once a week in some way (e.g. he's doing all his own washing now as he's so damn rude about the way I do it, in SEVEN years I've turned 1 vest and 1 shirt pink by mistake, nothing else, floor to drawer service has ended...). I never give in but it's soooo tiring.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/08/2011 11:13

Not so clever as he thinks he is then...

fedupofnamechanging · 15/08/2011 11:16

If he did forge your signature, that would be fraud and he could end up going to prison. However good his forgery is, handwriting experts can establish that it wasn't you who signed. If my husband started doing the big 'I am', I'd remind him that you won't be signing diddly squat without receiving your own independent financial advice. He can either pay the financial advisor once, for the two of you to see them, or twice, for him to go and you to go on your own.

I think I might also be tempted to call my mortgage company and double check that he can't do anything without your consent. Fwiw, I was considering changing mortgage companies a while ago and dh had to give permission over the phone for me to disclose his information and make these arrangements and if it had gone ahead, he would have to have signed the paperwork.

As much as your husband is trying to take away your power, in reality he can't, because this is your property too.

Agree that things don't look too good for the two of you though if he's getting like this and in your shoes I'd be putting money away in my own secret account that he can't touch, just in case and also compiling details of his financial affairs so you know what's what if you do split up.

BoneyBackJefferson · 15/08/2011 11:39

sounds like six of one, half a dozen of the other to me.

skybluepearl · 15/08/2011 12:00

let DH tells you what he thinks but tell him you will do some research and get back to him. be non commital. book a second appointment with adviser so you can make your own decision.

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