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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not to want to give up my bed???

327 replies

lightsandshapes · 12/08/2011 16:08

My BIL and his family are coming to stay in 2 days. They have a 4 year old a 2 year old and a 6 month old.

The BIL has been quite pushy about sleeping arrangements and has asked twice now if I will give up my bedroom so his wife can stay in there with the 2 younger ones. I and DH will be relegated to the summer house. I havre tried to make gentle excuses (I will need the loo in the night - I have a special matress pad on my bed because of bump) but he is insistent. I am 7 months pregnant.

Too late to stop them coming now, but wwyd? I'm osscilating between standing my ground and being 'generous', but I would NEVER invite myself to someone's house and then ask to sleep in the master bedroom in their bed [shocked]. Feel like if I don't defend myself my boundaries could be trampled all over.

OP posts:

MagicFingerGoesPop · 13/08/2011 23:03

Good luck OP you have been given some great advice. And well done at fielding the food question!

PercyFilth · 14/08/2011 20:34

Have they arrived yet?

letsblowthistacostand · 14/08/2011 21:35

Just chiming into give support. I have 1 brother like this and another with a wife like this and it is really hard to say no to them. My brother in particular is like a bulldozer, you do what he says or you do nothing. My SIL is more passive-aggressive and gets very convenient migraines if things don't go her way. The brother she's married to is a bit of a doormat and doesn't want to offend anyone.

I have had to be more assertive since I've had children but it is not easy, plus now they all think I'm a bossy cow.

Happymm · 15/08/2011 13:13

Bumping this as am a nosey cow interested to see if the OP managed the assertiveness training she gained and kept her own bed!:o

BaronessBomburst · 15/08/2011 14:16

Marking my place for the update. because I don't understand how the bookmarks work

CinnabarRed · 15/08/2011 17:11

Bump!

JarethTheGoblinKing · 15/08/2011 17:30

Bump!

nickelbabe · 15/08/2011 17:40

marking my place

MrsTumbles · 15/08/2011 18:03

Still nothing back from the OP? I've been silently following both threads and I need to know what happened!

OTheHugeManatee · 15/08/2011 18:07

Ivortheengine8 · 15/08/2011 18:08

We don't let guests sleep in our bedroom, DH always says he is not giving up his bed and my parents were the same. When we have guests we tell them what we have and they can choose to come or not. My parents don't mind in the slightest sleeping in the spare room/bed nor does anyone else.
.....and at 7 months pregnant (like me :)) You need your bed! No way!

nicciaa · 15/08/2011 18:19

We are the same, don't give our bed up for anyone. Unless the guest is pregnant that its :D but otherwise, nopes.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 15/08/2011 18:26

I couldnt let a guest sleep in my bed, at least I'm used to having to climb over my floordrobe

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 15/08/2011 18:29

at 'floordrobe'. I feel the same about my lumpy, springy, noisy old mattress; I know how to get in and out of bed and how to lie and sit so it's not too agonising comfortable.

NadiaWadia · 15/08/2011 22:31

So what happened, OP?

Eglu · 16/08/2011 13:33

Am bumping as I'd love to know what the pushy pain in the arse BIL did.

AnyFucker · 16/08/2011 13:37

I have never "given up" my bed for anyone unless I wasn't there

If I am in my house, I sleep in my own bed. People have slept in my bed when I wasn't there, though.

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 16/08/2011 14:23

Hi all did long post last night and lost it! Quick update from my iPad on top of hill with 3 dogs so not ideal! Summary is that strategies given on here have been fantastic. Was set in own mind I was not given up bed after all support on here so think that was transmitted to them. They arrived and after short chat showed them the beds I had made up for them. There were no complaints. Have been much more assertive and have said so something if I didn't agree with something. Result has been that they have been much, much more respectful of boundaries. Have mainly shared food cooking and shopping! so much better than feared! Still looking forward to rest when they go though

How do others cope with guests staying for a week or so? Never know how much to organise / do stuff for / with them and how much to do own thing?

Thanks for massive support on here you wouldn't believe what a difference to the outcome it has made!!!! Can't thank u enough for sorting my head out and giving me strategies!

OP posts:

Eglu · 16/08/2011 14:32

Well done Lights. I have no strategies for people staying for a week I'm afraid, I would never have guests for that long.

I think any guests staying that long should expect to go and do their own thing at least some of the time though.

Shoutymomma · 16/08/2011 14:32

Result!! x

Ephiny · 16/08/2011 14:36

Oh well done! A little polite assertiveness is usually all it needs, people often aren't really looking for a big row.

I agree if they're staying for the whole week you don't necessarily have to spend every moment together, maybe you can suggest any interesting sights/activities in the area that they might want to visit?

clam · 16/08/2011 15:09

They're staying for a week???

God, it was bad enough them demanding your bed for one night, but a whole week!!! So I guess you're their summer holiday then? On the cheap? Too right you can be assertive then!

Good luck.

DinahRod · 16/08/2011 15:14

I can understand why you're up a hill!

Well done on being assertive. Bet there will be some snide remarks eventually as BIL's nose will be out of joint, but tough, he's an adult. You, otoh, are a very pg lady and that trumps any tantrums.

Original poster

lightsandshapes · 16/08/2011 21:28

I thought it was going too well. bil has said something tonight that has had me in floods of tears.

The gist of it was that he was basically criticising dhs x relationships. Then said something like 'well, you're solidish'. I said 'what do you mean?' 'how could we be be more solid?' he said 'well, I could be blunt. You could both be more in love. The messages your kid will get about love will be confusing'. He carried on saying more things in the same vein, implying cos we sleep close but not in same bed at mo, we are dysfunctional, dh doesn't show me affection etc. The bed thing is just so we both get decent sleep. I don't know what right he has to be so judgemental and I told him 'everyone shows love differently'. 10 mis later I walked to the bathroom and found myself in tears about his implication we are having a baby in some kind of loveless relationship. Sil realised I was upset and apologised on his behalf. Felt like I had to get away so walked down to beach. Eventually bil came and found me and apologised but I feel like the damage is done. And after how bloody nice I have been to them and their kids.

Dp, bil, sil are now all in the living room watching a war film, ( the hurt locker) and I'm in my bedroom feeling like utter crap and needing a big cuddle from dh and them to go away.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 16/08/2011 21:31

Some people don't show affection in front of others and do it privately, you should have said you don't know how we are when we are alone. Always fight barbed comments with a sarcastic response. Don't let it get to you.

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