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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you're invited to someone's house to eat...

105 replies

WynkenBlynken · 12/08/2011 10:07

... they cater for you?

About 4 years ago I decided to only eat halal meat. My mum has always provided me with a veggie option if we go there, and more recently (since my DD has been weaned) she has bought halal meat for us (for which I am extremely grateful for, and make sure she knows this).

However this year we have been to 5 bbq's/meals where me and my DD (16 months) have either had to bring our own food or have gone without the main part of the meal.

The first time we were at my friends and we went hungry, the second time (at another friends) I called ahead, just to be on the safe side, and was told I'd have to bring my own food as they didn't have anything for us. This happened another time and then again at my sisters where she invited us for a roast but was told to bring my own chicken!

I genuinly don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not?! The only reason I ask is because we are going to my sisters for a bbq at the weekend and I just know I will have to bring my own again.

I probably should add that all my close friends and family have known about this from when I made the decision to change and I am more than happy to eat veggie food as I do not expect anyone to buy us halal meat, but just think that a veggie alternative should be offered... shouldn't it?!

I always make sure I cater for any guests I invite to my house, as I thought that was the done thing? I'd be mortified if someone had to bring their own food to my house!

If you all think I'm being unreasonable then I will accept that, I just want to know what your views/experiences are?

OP posts:
Saski · 12/08/2011 10:08

Did you convert to Islam? How does your family feel about that in general? It's probably more a barometer for that, I'd guess.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 12/08/2011 10:08

I wouldn't have a clue where to buy halal meat to be honest. I could be very dense and maybe it's freely available in the supermarket but I've never looked for it so wouldn't know.

StealthPolarBear · 12/08/2011 10:10

yes but the OP doesn't want halal meat, just a vegi alternative
OP I don't think YABU

Sirzy · 12/08/2011 10:10

In all honesty I am not sure if your being unreasonable or not. If there is a group of people going then doing veggie for everyone may not be an option and I wouldn't expect another meal to be cooked for me. That said I would probably make contact before to discuss what I was cooking and if there was an easy way to change it for you.

echt · 12/08/2011 10:10

YANBU. The veggie option is available if they can't their bonces round halal.

Tanif · 12/08/2011 10:12

I may be being unreasonable myself, but if you want halal meat for any reason other than religious reasons, I would expect you to bring your own food as well.

Don't get me wrong, I'd cater for those who have allergies/religious diets/veggies/vegans, but someone that eats meat but simply prefers to have it slaughtered in a different way would be beyond me and I probably would expect them to bring their own.

springydaffs · 12/08/2011 10:12

It's not about the halal meat though, it's about not providing an alternative eg veggie. I don't think you are being unreasonable OP. It's rude to invite you to eat and not make sure you are provided for. It sounds like your family don't have much respect for your decision tbh - sorry.

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 12/08/2011 10:12

I wouldn't know where to buy it either, we don't eat a lot as DH is vegetarian. I would try though but if I couldn't, tell you I couldn't find it.

This is going to be a little confusing I think with our names !

lockets · 12/08/2011 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 12/08/2011 10:14

I would provide a veggie option for you, but I would not buy halal meat. I think if they have invited you, it's rude not to have something you will eat.

Oakmaiden · 12/08/2011 10:15

Well, I don't know really. If I was going to a BBQ and wanted something different to everyone else then I would bring my own food to the BBQ.

The occasions when you went to your friends may simply me that they didn't realise you couldn't eat what they were offering. You need to make it clear when you accept the invitation that you have dietary restrictions - "Yes, I would love to come, but I only eat veggie food or Halaal - would you like me to bring something?".

And the roast - I don't see the problem at all. Just eat the veg? Which is what I used to do when I was a veggie.

festi · 12/08/2011 10:16

If bbq you should bring your own, but if dinner party you should expect to be catered for. that seems the etiqute. I always take some food to a bbq and tend to take wine, flowers or chocs to a dinner party. If invited for lunch to someones house I often take some salad or bread or fruit.

ChristinedePizan · 12/08/2011 10:17

I always take food to BBQs anyway. But I would provide a veggie option

picnicbasketcase · 12/08/2011 10:17

My best friends are vegetarians and when they visit, I cook something veggie. It would be very rude to invite them and then sit there gnawing on a chicken leg and tell them to sort themselves out.

PetShopGirl · 12/08/2011 10:17

YANBU - I would definitely provide a veggie option at the very least.

Fayrazzled · 12/08/2011 10:17

I'm another who would definitely provide a vegetarian meal for you, but wouldn't buy halal meat because to do the latter would go against my principles.

passingtime · 12/08/2011 10:18

YANBU they should provide a veggie option if they know you can't eat non halal meat

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 12/08/2011 10:18

I don't eat meat and usually take a contribution round when I got to a BBQ, such as veggie burgers or something, but usually the hosts already have something prepared, I just take something out of politeness.

BUT the other thing to bear in mind is that a lot of meat sold in UK supermarkets now IS halal. M&S, Waitrose, Tesco and Sainsbury sell halal meat because there's such a demand for it now that it's cheaper to produce all halal meat than have two different slaughtering processes. You might find if you check labels that the meat your hosts are preparing is OK for you.

PuppyMonkey · 12/08/2011 10:18

The thing is, though, if ever I go to a BBQ I would always offer to bring something along - pack of burgers or whatever - so it's not such an outrageous suggestion to ask you to bring something along too, least you know you'll get something you can eat there.

InstantAtom · 12/08/2011 10:20

They may hold the opinion that halal slaughter is inhumane and so they don't wish to buy halal meat.

You say you are happy to eat vegetarian food if friends/family do not wish to provide halal meat. But you don't say whether you have actually made this clear to them?

PenguinArmy · 12/08/2011 10:21

Tricky, I am a vegan but don't expect people to cater. However they normally ask what they can do, I insist they don't need to do nothing I'll bring something but they've always provided salad, rolls etc and tried to do something. I guess it's more that it would be nice to be considered. BBQs are a bit different to a dinner though. If invited to a sit down meal then I would def. consider it rude.

Original poster
WynkenBlynken · 12/08/2011 10:21

Sorry I should have said, I am not Muslim but my DP and DD are. I have just made the decision based purely on my beliefs (DP had no say in it and I was not pressurised into it!)

I def do not expect people to buy us halal meat, I have always accepted that if we are eating out in a restaurant I have the veggie/fish option.

If it was a new thing I would be a bit more understanding perhaps, but it's been 4 years!

As far as I am aware my family have no problem with my decision! They may find it inconvenient though, who knows!

Sorry WynkenBlynkenandNod, I didn't know you existed! I created my name just now for this thread and my elder DD was reading a book with it in!

OP posts:
Tchootnika · 12/08/2011 10:22

Maybe the problem is that you're neither a veggie nor someone who's always eaten halal - so your family feel it's OK to serve meat which (presumably) you'd have eaten a few years ago.
It does seem a bit odd not to serve an alternative if they know DH is vegetarian, though. Do they not know this about him?
Also, have you reminded them?

Aworryingtrend · 12/08/2011 10:22

YANBU to want/expect a veggie alternative. As PP said perhaps make it clear at the time you accept the invitation that you will need a veggie alternative, and would they like you to bring something again.

SoTiredoftheWheelsontheBus · 12/08/2011 10:23

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but I think that the other people who have been inviting you aren't necessarily being unreasonable, they are just not being very considerate. I'm veggie myself, but when I invite friends round cook a meat meal for them - I tend to think that as I don't want to eat meat, so I (hope/assume) that they will provide a veggie option for me round at their house, it's equally insensitive for me to not to provide them with a meat option. At BBQs in the past friends have done some veggie kebabs for me (on a separate, couple of quid disposable BBQ), or I've offered to bring things, but I think if someone is inviting you to dinner then expecting you to provide your own food is rude. BBQs do seem to be a bit of an unusual event though, in that they seem to be so geared up towards meat (dh isn't veggie, last year we finally bought ourselves a BBQ for the first time, and have got one with two separate cooking areas, one for meat and one for veggie stuff). Maybe the people hosting just genuinely don't understand. I suppose if you look at a table with several different salads, if you aren't veggie it may look as if there is a lot of non-meat choice, but speaking from experience, when everyone else around you is tucking in to their third or fourth steak/chicken wings/hot dogs, etc. and all you have is a bread roll and some salad, you do feel like a second-class citizen

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