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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think if you're invited to someone's house to eat...

105 replies

WynkenBlynken · 12/08/2011 10:07

... they cater for you?

About 4 years ago I decided to only eat halal meat. My mum has always provided me with a veggie option if we go there, and more recently (since my DD has been weaned) she has bought halal meat for us (for which I am extremely grateful for, and make sure she knows this).

However this year we have been to 5 bbq's/meals where me and my DD (16 months) have either had to bring our own food or have gone without the main part of the meal.

The first time we were at my friends and we went hungry, the second time (at another friends) I called ahead, just to be on the safe side, and was told I'd have to bring my own food as they didn't have anything for us. This happened another time and then again at my sisters where she invited us for a roast but was told to bring my own chicken!

I genuinly don't know if I'm being unreasonable or not?! The only reason I ask is because we are going to my sisters for a bbq at the weekend and I just know I will have to bring my own again.

I probably should add that all my close friends and family have known about this from when I made the decision to change and I am more than happy to eat veggie food as I do not expect anyone to buy us halal meat, but just think that a veggie alternative should be offered... shouldn't it?!

I always make sure I cater for any guests I invite to my house, as I thought that was the done thing? I'd be mortified if someone had to bring their own food to my house!

If you all think I'm being unreasonable then I will accept that, I just want to know what your views/experiences are?

OP posts:
Ephiny · 12/08/2011 10:23

I think it's normal to bring something when you go to a BBQ or something informal like a picnic. Most BBQs I've been do, the hosts provide all the basic stuff like bread rolls and salad, people bring meat or veggie alternatives to share (and beer of course!).

If someone invited me over for dinner, then yes of course I'd assume they were providing food! Though I might ask if there was anything I could bring, and I'd probably take a bottle of wine.

lisad123 · 12/08/2011 10:24

I always offer to bring something when I'm invited, out of politeness. I guess the other issue of veggie on BBQ I that most would require it be cooked on separate BBQ, maybe they feel it's too much. (we buy throw away BBQ for veggie friends to cook their meat on)

RoseC · 12/08/2011 10:24

YANBU. It's not that hard to buy a frozen Linda McCartney something and shove it in the oven for thirty minutes. That's what my DM did for the year I was a veggie and she didn't agree with it.

verylittlecarrot · 12/08/2011 10:25

A BBQ for us is generally a meat-fest with some salad bits on the side. I think I would generally only invite friends to a BBQ who enjoy that sort of meal balance, or who would be happy to bring their own veggie burgers. Our BBQs are very spur of the moment, we buy stuff and then do a quick ring around to see who can come.

For a general meal invitation though I would ensure everyone ate vegetarian if one of the guests was veggie. I'd prepare a veggie meal so that no guest felt singled out.

I am uncomfortable with the halal method of slaughter so I couldn't buy halal meat myself.

MsAnnThroppy · 12/08/2011 10:27

BBQs come in all shapes and sizes. I'd never invite anyone for a meal (BBQ or otherwise) and expect them to bring food. But if it's a big free for all BBQ where everyone is bringing something, then I assume OP has no problem. However, if she alone amongst the guests is being singled out to bring something, then that's not on and utterly rude.

WRT dinner parties, being asked to bring your own food it totally out of order. If people can't cater for you (and veggie options are hardly difficult), they should not invite you.

sleepywombat · 12/08/2011 10:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChumleeIsMyHomeboy · 12/08/2011 10:30

What beliefs do you subscribe to OP if you are not Muslim?

Birdsgottafly · 12/08/2011 10:30

YANBU.

I wouldn't buy halal meat. I am vegan at home, vegaterian if necessary when camping, my DC's are not but the meat has to be cruelty free, so in your case i would buy from the quorn barbeque, if i definately couldn't buy an halal alternative. Every supermarket stocks quorn products, even in very rural places.

If you have a family member with a belief or medical reason that needed them to change their diet, it wouldn't take you long to find out how to facilitate that.

They don't support your choice, that is the issue, not what they try to feed you.

Nancy66 · 12/08/2011 10:30

Maybe you're confusing people with the halal thing.

Might be easier to just say that you need a vegetarian option- then people really should cater for you, that's only good manners.

Do you eat fish?

SardineQueen · 12/08/2011 10:38

I agree with nancy that the halal thing might be foxing people and you should say that you are a veggie or a pescatarian then there will be no confusion.

Whatmeworry · 12/08/2011 10:56

I think if it's just you being invited then they should make an effort but if its a larger group then you should fit in or bring stuff, they are not a hotel.

TBH this "catering to guests' special dietary needs" is only about 15 years old, in the Olde Days you were invited, you ate what they provided and left out what you didn't like, and that was that (exception was Muslim or Jewish friends)

I recall a large BBQ that DH organised when our social circle were mainly on DC1s (aka lots of PFBs) and we started to get loads of special requests. I tried to accomodate everyone but dH just snapped and said he was doing a bluddy BBQ and whoever didn't like it to bring their own. Cue catsbumface mums as DHs and DCs treachorously stuffed meat and marshmallows and down their gullets.

trixymalixy · 12/08/2011 11:03

When we had our Muslim friends over for dinner I made sure I made something that they could eat, even down to making sure the pan I used had never had alcohol in it. YANBU, it's rude to invite someone round and expect them to bring their own food.

QuintessentialShadow · 12/08/2011 11:04

Why not show them how to do it? Some people dont realize that a bbq does not have to be a meat fest.
Buy some Salmon, which is lovely on the barbie! You can brush it with olive oild and fresh garlig and ginger, foilwrap it and throw it on! Eaten with rice or couscous.
If they dont know how to cater for vegetarians or non meat eaters, I think you simply need to educate them. Do this a couple of times, and next time they prepare for a bbq, they will think "oh, and wynken will like some salmon or some chicen thighs".

I suppose that you are frequently inviting too, and serve up lots of different bbq to show them how it can be done?

KRIKRI · 12/08/2011 11:05

YANBU. When I invite people to my home, I think it's my responsibility to ensure I cater for their needs. If it's something I'm not familiar with, I might ask them for advice, but would never expect them to bring their own food (unless it was for fussy children, but I'd still try to provide what they like.) Neither DH or I eat meat, but we have provided burgers and sausages for BBQs when we know meat eaters are coming. They may have to take over the BBQ to make sure it's cooked properly, but I wouldn't expect them to bring their own meat. I do understand though if someone had a strong objection to meat that they wouldn't want to have meat on the premises - but would probably not choose a meat-focussed meal like a BBQ for entertaining.

It's not that hard to find a vegetarian alternative to serve for a BBQ or any other meal. IMHO, by providing food for some guests but not others, it seems rude.

Alternatively, they could ask ALL guests to bring something along - a sort of "pot luck" BBQ or party, at least so that the vegetarians, the halal or kosher diet observers or the gluten free folk wouldn't feel like second string guests.

minipie · 12/08/2011 11:07

Tricky one.

I do try to cater for people's requests, as I think people should - but it can be so difficult.

For example I have one group of friends where one is veggie but eats fish, one is veggie and doesn't eat fish, one is allergic to dairy ... and now one is pregnant.

What on earth do I cook if I am having them over? Can't do meat, can't do fish, can't do cheese. It's pretty much impossible!

fluffles · 12/08/2011 11:08

i would expect veggie food but not halal meat - are you sure that you're being clear enough about the veggie food??

maybe by mentioning halal meat people are intimidated and dont' want to admit they don't know exactly what it means or where to get it.

if i were you i'd cheerfully say each time "there will be some veggie food won't there? Grin" and see what they say, it would be an odd host who would say 'no, actually, i'm not providing anything veggie'.

suzikettles · 12/08/2011 11:09

YANBU, but I suppose it depends on how easy it is to get halal meat round your way. It's very, very easy here so I'd just buy it for everyone if you were visiting me.

Maybe if people aren't sure what halal is then they'll be worried about getting it wrong so just ask you to bring your own. Do you let them know that fish or vegetarian is ok?

Basically though, I think if you invite someone to eat you should make sure that what you're serving is ok for them.

QuintessentialShadow · 12/08/2011 11:10

Ratatouille? Veg Biriany? Pakoras? Hearty vegetable soups and nice bread? Leek and potatoe souffle? I am sure there must be something?

DuelingFanjo · 12/08/2011 11:13

Yanbu but they would need two bbqs for a veg option so maybe they find it all to difficult.

FantasticVoyage · 12/08/2011 11:13

YABU. I'm sure that you are able to eat any provided veggie alternative/salads/potatoes/pasta etc.

In addition, why do you think people should supply you with meat slaughtered in a cruel manner?

PrincessScrumpy · 12/08/2011 11:15

I do veggie food for friends who are veggie, but tbh I tend to do a veggie meal for my whole family when they come otherwise I'd have to do 2 meals. I would expect family to cater but friends? not if it's a party/gathering as there's enough to do and your friend isn't running a restaurant. If it's just you and dd they've invited then it would be nice if they did but perhaps it's too much for them to cater for everyone's needs and I would be grateful they invited you as the easy option would be to leave you off the guest list.

MamaChoo · 12/08/2011 11:15

With BBQs, as a former vegetarian, I always just brought something vegetarian along - as people have said, most barbies are 'bring something to chuck on the charcoal' fests. Regarding meals like dinner, don't most people ask what you eat when they invite you? Informal lunches or parties you might get a bit of a short stick, but if you don't eat 'mainstream' or 'majority' food, as I didnt for 25 years, then you might expect the odd imoerfect meal occasionally.

cheesesarnie · 12/08/2011 11:15

throw them a bbq and show them how its done!
we're veggie,i always offer to take food if invited out and if its a bbq i ask if it would make sense for me to bring a disposable bbq as i wont eat it if its been cooked together.

bubblesincoffee · 12/08/2011 11:16

I think people do have to cater for you in some way, but bring ing food for yourself isn't really too much to ask.

People might be put off always having to get veggie stuff, because you do actually eat meat. I know I would rather buy something veggie for someone who is a vegetarian.

I wouldn't want to buy halal meat even if I knew where to go to get it, so I think you bringing your own food is probably the best soloution.

paulapantsdown · 12/08/2011 11:16

Well when you are invited somewhere you should always bring something anyway, like a nice salad or a cake, so instead, just bring some food for yourself. I dont get whats the big deal really.