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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NEVER invite this friend round with her DS ever again

109 replies

superv1xen · 11/08/2011 19:38

invited my friend round with her ds (aged 4) she is an old friend, the last time i saw her was when her ds was a baby. we lost contact and recently found eachother again on fb, have met up once without dc (night out) today is first time with dc present.

well from the minute they walked in he irritated me. me "hello friends DS my haven't you grown etc etc" him kids not speaking back when spoken to by adults i find REALLY rude. the whole time he was there he ignored me when spoken to. and i spoke to him nicely every time.

we did them lunch in the kitchen, my dc (2 and 5) sat and ate nicely, not him. up and down from the table like a yo yo, wanders outside, wanders upstairs, brings toys into the kitchen etc etc despite friend telling him off. wouldnt eat a thing. then when me and my friend had our lunch, naturally, he wanted what we had instead Hmm

then we got some paints out for them, again in the kitchen, as less mess. but thats not good enough for friends ds, after 2 minutes, him and his painty hands are wandering back upstairs, i did not want paint on my walls or carpet. friend coaxes him down Hmm and we gave up with the paints and let them get the toys out. within 2 mins he has deliberately broken 2 toys, one is a £50 buzz lightyear thats DS's favourite :(

then as his final piece de resistance, he goes wandering up the stairs again, finds DH's motorcycle helmet and flings it down the stairs. so now thats broken and will cost at least £30 to replace Angry

aibu to never ask her round again? (with him in tow anyway!)

OP posts:
Oakmaiden · 11/08/2011 20:57

He sounds a bit like my 6 year old, to be honest. Except the not talking thing - can't get my lad to shut up. But he also has ants in his pants, can't focus on an activity for any period of time and toys just fall apart ion his hands. It drives me buts, and I do avoid taking him places because of his behaviour (which according to the Ed Psych at school fits the criteria for ADHD but I have declined to take it any further, as I don't feel it is effecting him enough to require medication - my eldest does have Aspergers and ADHD and is on medicatopn, and whilst challenging my 6 year old is not in the same league!)

pigletmania · 11/08/2011 20:58

YABU and judgemental. That ds of your friends sound very like my dd 4.5 years (dev delay of 2 years with ASD traits). So you would unfriend us because my dd does not talk to you, and gets up and down from the table Hmm. If all my friends were like you, I would have none Sad, good thing they are understanding, kind and lovely. The boy is only 4, not all children are the same, some are really shy and clam up when spoken to by people that they don't know well. Also a lot of children of that age do get fidgity at the table and will sometimes get up. However, if my dd broke a toy or something I would pay for a new one.

Groovee · 11/08/2011 20:59

My ds is almost 9 and only just is speaking to strangers. 4 year olds are inquisitive and he probably wanted a nose round. I would get to know him better first

MightyQuim · 11/08/2011 21:00

I wouldn't accept the money in those circumstances either but I don't think you can refuse the offer of replacing the items AND whinge about the cost. Makes it look like you have refused the money to be a martyr and so you can moan.
I have had experience of this when dh put a tiny mark on his mums car by accidentally opening the door on it. He obviously immediately offered to pay for it to be fixed but she declined. Solely so she could go on and on about it. I got the impression that she was secretly quite pleased.

Oakmaiden · 11/08/2011 21:00

Sorry - posted too quickly - meant to say that some children are more difficult than others to parent. It is a bit of a vicious cycle, because when everything is a battle of wills you learn to chose your battles carefully and to understand that sometimes it is not wilful misbehaviour, just impulsive....

Mobly · 11/08/2011 21:05

The not speaking thing is no big deal really in the grand scheme of things. I would have stopped trying to engage him to be honest after the first attempt and would have left him to it, after all he is only 4.

Again, the wondering around instead of sitting to eat, not really hurting anyone and some children at this age do struggle to sit for long periods of time.

His mum should have washed his painty hands before allowing him to leave painting area but that's mum's fault not his and to be honest, you could have just said 'come on lets wash those hands if you've finished painting, I don't want paint all up the walls and stairs' said in lighthearted but firm manner- it's what I would have done and I know none of my friends would bat eyelid at this.

I would have an issue with throwing helmet downstairs and I would expect mum to step in but not to the point of not inviting them back. Next time I would say upstairs is out of bounds.

Your children do sound very calm and well behaved but I strongly believe that it is a combination of good parenting AND personality. Please try and have some empathy for parents of strong willed, lively children who thrive on testing boundaries, I am one, it is hard work! My DS1 is 3.5yrs, he knows how to behave, but sometimes he likes to test boundaries, especially in new environments and it is often mortifying for me.

NHScutback · 11/08/2011 21:08

My friend's 6 year old DS has always been difficult, he refuses to listen, is surly, a handful and very destructive (constantly kicking at walls and toys). Interestingly he hasn't been diagnosed with any problems so I presume he can behave at school. I love my friend and ultimately she has to cope with him every day so I feel I should be able to manage a few hours here and there. I do have him here much less than the DCs other friends though as I get so cross and anxious about the destruction. So we tend to meet them out a fair bit. The lack of visiting at home hasn't become an issue yet but I'm aware it might.

pigletmania · 11/08/2011 21:09

carpetlover are you for real Hmm. As you probably know not all children are the same, and to expect that of an SN child is totally U

DeWe · 11/08/2011 21:09

I think it's really sad that
"from the minute they walked in he irritated me." Just because he didn't reply to a strange adult. Hmm

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 21:10

Yes, just to clarify, I didn't mean they could read and draw like an adult. I meant the majority of them were beginning to focus on stuff like that rather than behave like toddlers. If the OP had said this child was 2yrs, I would have said that many 2yr old behave like this and its pretty standard 2yr old behaviour. But rampage and destruction isn't acceptable in an NT 4yr old.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 21:12

Pigletmania, the OP didn't say the child had SN! SN has not been mentioned at all. Of course children with SN are going to be later to develop or have additional needs which need understanding and different tactics. That doesn't mean we should excuse all bad behaviour in 4yr olds in case they have potential SN.

pigletmania · 11/08/2011 21:13

My dd 4 dev delay is not destructive, in fact she is very placid and does not break, but is behind in certain milestones, and is just mark making at the moment, and cannot sit still at the table for a long time. Hopefully she will have a statement when she starts school in September. I would love her to sit down with me and to play board games, it usually ends with how she wants to play it .

ScarlettIsWalking · 11/08/2011 21:15

He just sounds extremely young for his age.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 21:19

Yes, but as you say, your DD has SN. As I'm sure you know, the term NT means Neurotypical. A child with SN is not, therefore, typical. A typical or NT 4yr old is usually past the stage of running around destroying things and being unable to sit still for more than 2mins. Goodness, many of them will start school in a few weeks.

mouthwash7 · 11/08/2011 21:19

How lucky you are never to have had a child who's shy. It takes them a lot longer to warm up. They may find it difficult to speak, eat or play in a strange environment. I do think yabu. You were a complete stranger to him.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/08/2011 21:21

oh i do feel mean now :(

i'm not scary i hope in face i always act really nice and friendly to friends kids (even if they are being, um, challenging) as i had a bad experience a couple of years ago where i told off a mates dc for something and she went mad at me and fell out with me for ages. so now i would never "tell off" anyone else's kid.

i think its the wilful chucking the motorbike helmet downstairs i'm most pissed off with, i thought they cost about £30 (i am not a biker myself) and i am horrified to see its more like £200, we just havent got that kind of money at the moment and we need DH's motorbike so the days i work i can use the car. and i'm working tomorrow so we're going to have to drag the dc out of bed at 6am to take dh to work, grrrr,

OP posts:
pigletmania · 11/08/2011 21:24

still carpet I know quite a few NT 4 year olds from dd pre school who cannot yet do those things, not all kids are the same even if they did not have SN, some are just very young for their age. supervi1xen that is dreadful, I would have paid for it if dd had broken something.

pigletmania · 11/08/2011 21:26

One of my dds 'friends' from pre school is 4.,9 years and wrecks havoc in the house, and flooded our bathroom, so that water leaked through the celling and did not sit still when I gave her lunch.

stillsurvinghols · 11/08/2011 21:29

Thinking that all children are the way they are because of the mum isn't actually fair all the time. Easy for me to say that but I put pressure on myself because of what I think others think because I read threads like this..... doesn't do me or my children any good.... (so I won't read next time lol)

HeyYouJimmy · 11/08/2011 21:31

You can get a pretty good helmet for about £150 (my Arai lid cost that much) but any less than about £100, then don't bother looking at it unless it's got nice paintwork.

I was always told that for a moped/scooter with an engine of 50-100cc invest £50-100 for a low-speed helmet. For a motorbike/mpoed/scooter with an engine of 100-125cc, then you should invest from £100-150 in a helmet for that engine size. From 125cc and upwards £150 minimum is what I was recommended because of the speed capability of the bike and also because of other road users, especially the more impatient ones and young racers.

stickyj · 11/08/2011 21:33

Just quickly flicked through the thread. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE FERAL KIDS NOW! If you are four years old and not SN, then you say hello to adults, who the hell cares if you are shy, we all did it and things haven't changed! It's your parents' job to ensure you have manners and if it hurts your sensitive little feelings then wtf!

NOTE: I have already made provision for SN kids, I work with them so have know what I'm saying. There is no excuse for rudeness......

If your kids come to my house and break my kid's stuff then I would expect you to tell them off,no it's not ok, take them home, or at least hang draw and quarter them Grin

I don't expect kids to be angels, kids wriggle, but most kids at four years old are gearing up for school. I despair sometimes at parents who when I am with them and their kids just laugh at bad behaviour, allow them to get away with all sorts and just tell me that they're only little!

My mum, bless her soul, will be turning in her grave!

There is no excuse whatsoever for lazy parenting, if you have kids it's your "job" to bring them up properly, that means actually saying "NO" occasionally, being the parent not their friend and thinking about others.

Yes, it's a generalisation and I have teens and have had terrible problems with them, but I would want to know where my teen of 10/11/12 was when all those new trainers were being handed out (and if my teen came home with some, I would want a receipt or I'd be off to the police).

I think that the op is not being precious about her kid's toys, it doesn't ,matter if things cost one pound or fiftly, it's the prinsiple and kids shouldn't wilfully break things, at leat without a severe telling off and curtailing the visit.

unpa1dcar3r · 11/08/2011 21:33

If the child is not SN then it seems it's just lack of parenting.
The shyness is not a crime but the lack of respect and destruction in your house is.

As I said before my youngest 2 (SLD) have reacted negatively in strange places (anxiety etc) but i was on it like bonnet and would not have accepted them marching around like they owned the place, coming and going as they pleased with no boundaries.
It's called being a parent (or in my case parent/carer)
The boy is not at fault, they learn thier boundaries or lack of, but his mother is.

HeyYouJimmy · 11/08/2011 21:34

mpoed = moped.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 21:37

Stickj, I agree with you apart from the saying hello bit. I would expect a shy 6yr old to say hello but a very shy 4yr old could well struggle with that. No excuse whatsoever for the behaviour though.

pigletmania · 11/08/2011 21:42

Even when dd does not say hello or speak to people when they speak to her, I do make her and set a good example myself so that she can copy what I do (SALT has said to provide her with good word models and use them frequently) I am strict on dd, if she is naughty she gets a good telling off. Her communication and social skills is an ongoing work in progress. Even despite her SN I and dh do try our best to instill discipline, rights and wrongs, so that when she goes to school she knows what to expect.