to NEVER invite this friend round with her DS ever again

[superv1xen]

invited my friend round with her ds (aged 4) she is an old friend, the last time i saw her was when her ds was a baby. we lost contact and recently found eachother again on fb, have met up once without dc (night out) today is first time with dc present.

well from the minute they walked in he irritated me. me "hello friends DS my haven't you grown etc etc" him kids not speaking back when spoken to by adults i find REALLY rude. the whole time he was there he ignored me when spoken to. and i spoke to him nicely every time.

we did them lunch in the kitchen, my dc (2 and 5) sat and ate nicely, not him. up and down from the table like a yo yo, wanders outside, wanders upstairs, brings toys into the kitchen etc etc despite friend telling him off. wouldnt eat a thing. then when me and my friend had our lunch, naturally, he wanted what we had instead

then we got some paints out for them, again in the kitchen, as less mess. but thats not good enough for friends ds, after 2 minutes, him and his painty hands are wandering back upstairs, i did not want paint on my walls or carpet. friend coaxes him down and we gave up with the paints and let them get the toys out. within 2 mins he has deliberately broken 2 toys, one is a £50 buzz lightyear thats DS's favourite :(

then as his final piece de resistance, he goes wandering up the stairs again, finds DH's motorcycle helmet and flings it down the stairs. so now thats broken and will cost at least £30 to replace

aibu to never ask her round again? (with him in tow anyway!)

Yeah, the more I think about this, the more I think that if you break it into individual 'problems' they're pretty understandable.

Didn't say hello - this is v normal with an adult he'd never met before (you might remember him but he won't remember you!)

Wandered off during lunch - in a new house with lots of new/exciting toys, hardly surprising

Interested in your lunch - hardly crime of the century

Preferred to wander round exploring new house than sit and paint - think plenty of kids would prefer that too

'Deliberately' breaks toys - well, without having been there to see how it happened, toys do get broken and anything breakable surely needs to be kept out of reach of 2, 4 and 5yos!

So I think YANBU to not have them round again if you are so uptight about what MUST be done by DC visiting your house. Take your DC to her house instead or go to the park.

I think people can usually recognise when someone is shy, rather than when they're hardfaced and silent. A shy child will usually try to hide their face, or hug their mum, if they are spoken to. Some kids just stare straight at you, as though they're going to be chewing gum.

If my 4 yr old walked off round someone else's house with painty hands, deliberately broke toys and threw stuff down the stairs I'd be prostrate with apology. Not talking I can understand; my gabby 4yo often does the 'hide in mother's skirts' thing if a looming adult gives loud cheery hellos.

He could easily be shy with strange adults (notwithstanding his behaviour!), I would have had lunch all together and I would never have got paints out with children I didn't know if I was expecting to chat to another mum!
Having said all that, I think his mum should have been a bit more forceful, and if I was her I'd be offering to replace the broken toys as they clearly weren't cheap.

I think the not talking is normal.

Its also not abnormal to want to eat a different meal when 2 have been cooked and you are only offered one. 4yos don't have the social skills to eat something they don't want when they know nicer food is available.

The mother sounds wet but bringing toys into the kitchen doesn't seem unreasonable and painting was possible too ambitious.

LeMousquetaireAnonyme I assume the helmet needs to be replaced because it has now been in an accident rather than because it smashed into 1000 pieces.

But Imperialblether, why wouldn't the adults eat with the children? Children learn good table manners when they are modelled by the adults around them.

I agree that the not answering you initially isn't bad behaviour. Lots of very well behaved children would be too shy to answer an adult they don't know.

I don't think it has anything to do with boy behaviour. If your child is badly behaved you discipline them, firmly, fairly and consistently whether at home or at someone else's house. If your child consistently badly behaves when you are visiting a friend you leave. You don't just keep half heartedly saying stop that and then doing nothing. It's no wonder he behaves like that if his mother is so wet.

And yes, I have 3 children, one of whom was very difficult. It was no fun, having to leave coffee mornings, play centres, birthday parties etc but it's wrong to allow it to carry on without consequence.

Aside from the deliberate breaking I don't think it sounds that bad. If your friend has different rules to you regarding where they eat/where he's allowed to paint then your dc are obviously going to be used to your rules than them.
I would expect your friend to offer to replace the broken things though - did she?

You see, Meg, I disagree!
If we were talking about a 2yr old or maybe even an immature 3yr old then I'd say fine. But a 4yr old is a young child rather than a toddler. They paint detailed pictures, read books, play board games and jigsaws. They are well past the days of crashing toys against walls and destructive behaviour. Sure, they run around and don't always do as they are told but not in the way a 2yr old does.

I know where you are coming from OP. I have friends with dc like this. I know he is only 4 but your friend should really have done more to curb his behaviour. I find drippy mums really annoying but then I am quite strict with mine and they would never behave like that.

I have a friend who is lovely and I really get on with her but her dd age 4 is just rude, destructive and well horrible also a bad influence on dd2 who tends to copy bad behavior. I now don't invite them round any more my home just can't take it! I spend days clearing up after their visits. I do however see my friend while she is at school. However the not speaking thing is not unusual at age 4. YANBU imo.

Apart from the not speaking part YANBU but I would have stopped him myself using the "In this house..." line.

Your dh should get a better motorcycle helment anyway, £30 is not enough to protect his head if he should have an accident.

I haven't got time for free range kids, or parents who are more interested in being their 'friend' than their parent.
Your house, your rules, end of.
I remember those halcyon days of my kids sat their with their mouths open looking at me as if to say 'can I do that and Live Mum?'.
One look from me gave them all the info they needed that no they absolutely could not be little brats, ever.

Carpet SOME 4 yearlds are well past crashing toys etc but some are not. Mine was...but I would never judge someone elses...they mature at different rates. WHilst mine was very well behaved she couldn't do up her laces until she was 7...I hope nobody judged her for that.

Bugger that, YANBU!

The bike helmet cost/standard concerns me too, btw, not that I know much about them.

From what you describe your friend's DC does sound like a bit of a horror but to write him off after one playdate is unreasonable. Are your DC always well behaved? I know mine aren't, especially with new people & in new surroundings! If you felt he wasn't following the rules in your house, why didn't you set him straight? Maybe as someone else suggested arrange to meet some where neutral & get to know him a bit better before you make your mind up about him.

And £50 for a Buzz Lightyear? You've been had!

Your house, your rules. Her mothering style is different to yours, we could debate that forever. Have a chat with your friend should they ever need to visit again, and politely tell her what you expect to occur in your home. Something like, 'They are not allowed upstairs unsupervised.' If she is decent enough, she will be embarrassed how her son behaved this time and do her best to make next time better. If it happens again, then I would say get together outside the home, playground, soft-play? If it still happens then make your excuses and have a social on your own with just her.

I'm with unpa1dcar3r

What a brat. There is no excuse for that. It's the Mothers fault. She should have corrected him very firmly.

Can't believe he hurled a crash helmet down the stairs and to whomever said he did them a favour by showing them it was faulty, well that's the kind of brat apologist talk that creates these little monsters

Eurgh. YANBU OP. Never ask them back and be honest as to why, the Mother needs a reality check.

YANBU
god you lot making excuses for blatant misbehaviour!

carpetlover Thu 11-Aug-11 20:15:56
But a 4yr old is a young child rather than a toddler. They paint detailed pictures, read books, play board games and jigsaws.

My four year old must be a slow developer then, he can't do any of those things.

iggii, I think possibly carpetlover's dc is exceptionally advanced, as my ds is just 5 and can't do any of them either despite having just finished reception. Well, he could play a board game or do a jigsaw, but not without a lot of help and encouragement.

Having said that, he doesn't throw toys around like a toddler either.

re the bike helmet - as agentzigzag said, you have to replace a helmet once its been dropped as there may be invisible weaknesses in it or small fractures. it didn't shatter.

and the buzz lightyear toy was about £50. he got it at christmas, its one of the all singing, all dancing ones. they may be cheaper now, i don't know, but thats hardly the point

re the lunch, and why we didn't eat with the DC - we weren't having a "leisurely lunch" we weren't going to eat inititially but then we got hungry :o so i did us a cheese toastie. which we were eating standing up. and also agree, why SHOULD the adults eat with the DC? they are all old enough to play nicely while we eat, even my 2 yo.

re the question "do i have a boy" - yes i do have a boy, and he can be boisterous but he is intrinsically a well behaved child and knows not to behave like this.

i'm surprised how many people are ok with the not talking thing. i have brought my DC up to engage with adults politely when spoken to, even my 2 year old. and i was always brought up this way as well. and this kid is NOT shy, believe me.

to be fair to my friend, she offered to pay, but i know she doesn't have much money so i would never take anything off her. but its nice she asked. i just think she should control him better.

Well I have 3 and I'm 8mths pregnant with my fourth. All have matured at different rates but none were acting like 2yr old when they were 4yrs. DD2 is still only 3yrs but she doesn't run around rampaging. And if she did, she'd be in trouble. YTou need to put in the time (discipline wise) even if its boring and relentless and it makes you feel isolated. This mother just sounds wet.