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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to NEVER invite this friend round with her DS ever again

109 replies

superv1xen · 11/08/2011 19:38

invited my friend round with her ds (aged 4) she is an old friend, the last time i saw her was when her ds was a baby. we lost contact and recently found eachother again on fb, have met up once without dc (night out) today is first time with dc present.

well from the minute they walked in he irritated me. me "hello friends DS my haven't you grown etc etc" him kids not speaking back when spoken to by adults i find REALLY rude. the whole time he was there he ignored me when spoken to. and i spoke to him nicely every time.

we did them lunch in the kitchen, my dc (2 and 5) sat and ate nicely, not him. up and down from the table like a yo yo, wanders outside, wanders upstairs, brings toys into the kitchen etc etc despite friend telling him off. wouldnt eat a thing. then when me and my friend had our lunch, naturally, he wanted what we had instead Hmm

then we got some paints out for them, again in the kitchen, as less mess. but thats not good enough for friends ds, after 2 minutes, him and his painty hands are wandering back upstairs, i did not want paint on my walls or carpet. friend coaxes him down Hmm and we gave up with the paints and let them get the toys out. within 2 mins he has deliberately broken 2 toys, one is a £50 buzz lightyear thats DS's favourite :(

then as his final piece de resistance, he goes wandering up the stairs again, finds DH's motorcycle helmet and flings it down the stairs. so now thats broken and will cost at least £30 to replace Angry

aibu to never ask her round again? (with him in tow anyway!)

OP posts:
iggii · 11/08/2011 20:30

Liege, that's good to know!

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 20:31

As stated, Leige, I have 3 children, only one whom I would describe as advanced.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 20:32

Oh and I used to teach Reception so I wasn't just basing my point on having an only child who is very advanced.

Original poster
superv1xen · 11/08/2011 20:32

" A shy child will usually try to hide their face, or hug their mum, if they are spoken to. Some kids just stare straight at you, as though they're going to be chewing gum"

imperial - that is EXACTLY what he was doing, staring at me quite insolently, if that word can be used for a four year old, all that was missing was the gum :o

OP posts:
working9while5 · 11/08/2011 20:32

4 year old acting like a 2 year old?

Developmental delay, maybe? Potentially has special needs?

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2011 20:33

I still have to say to my 10 YO DD (afterwards) to look at the person she's speaking to and not to mumble.

And it's not because I've dragged her up, she is just generally shy.

Tbh, I prefer a shy child to a precocious one.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 20:33

I can confirm also (for the OP) that the large all singing and all dancing BL was £50 in John Lewis at Christmas.

unpa1dcar3r · 11/08/2011 20:34

It's nothing to do with his age.
My older kids could do loads at that age, eldest reciting the alphabet and recognising all the letters at 18 months, clean at 18 months , talking fluently at same age etc etc. 2nd pretty much the same except eldest answered a lot for her which made her a bit lazy!
Two youngest both SLD and cannot even hold a pencil never mind write with one.
But I would not accept that behaviour from any of them.
No excuses. They are kids and need boundaries. If they're not getting them from their mother in your house, then you implement them yourself the same as you would for your own.

My kids weren't/aren't perfect (even the 2 grown ups!) but they know the rules and they know that if they step over the line they will have consequences.

GrownUpNow · 11/08/2011 20:34

Sounds like my DD, I'm quite nervous about taking her anywhere because of it. I tend to hover over her and be quite firm.

The talking to other people thing is really embarrassing, if she is feeling overwhelmed or anti, then she doesn't even acknowledge the existence of anyone except me, she often does this to my BF when he tries to ask her about her day or if he's told her off. Sometimes she even does it to me, getting eye contact and having a conversation can be tough.

She is also destructive, so I really keep an eye on her. She puts strange things in her mouth (recently she has a thing about toilet paper and cardboard). She is always hurting herself because she seems to have no danger awareness and gets very overexcited playing with other children. And she never sits still, at home she is still in a booster seat with a lap belt because it is the only way I can get her to sit and eat.

She is also the biter. Or fighter. She has trouble controlling her temper around other children.

So I can empathise with the other mum, but I would be more upfront with you and appear more actively involved in watching what my DD does. I talk to people before I go over about what she's like. Perhaps this lady is really struggling and is too embarrassed to admit it? Maybe give her son a chance, it can make a difference to have support from a friend.

MightyQuim · 11/08/2011 20:36

Hmm OP I don't think you can really complain about the cost of things that have been broken when the mum has offered you the money and you have refused it. If they don't have much money then they could save - who knows it might be the incentive she needs to make her son a bit more careful.
I do think that you are being a bit naive to think that your kids would never misbehave. They were in a familiar environment adhering to rules they live with day in day out. In another house with rules they might consider a bit weird or excessive I'm sure they would struggle.
Obviously deliberately breaking stuff is always going to be a no no but stuff like not bringing toys into the kitchen seem a bit excessive imo.

AgentZigzag · 11/08/2011 20:37

DD does the staring thing as well (which seems insolent, but it's not) despite me telling her what it looks like.

But then I've told her to look at the person she's talking to, so she's just doing as she's told! She's just got to master the art of looking quickly away and back again to avoid looking like she's eyeballing you.

Honestly, this is just a 4 YO, yes he should be learning the ropes in social encounters by now, but it's learning rather than learnt.

You're being very harsh to judge him on it.

NingNang · 11/08/2011 20:39

Indeed, it does take a village! :)

I work with children this age and agree not talking is ok with an unfamiliar adult. Can be for many reasons but common in "lively" boys whose self esteem is low from constant telling off.

Yanbu to not have him back, but i'd try not to make your friend feel too bad about it. Park/soft play might be better.

carpetlover · 11/08/2011 20:39

Well no toys allowed in our kitchen either. They don't think it's harsh because it's how it's always been. I'm not strict about toys particularly; they are allowed in the lounge, playroom, study or bedroom but not the kitchen or the hall/stairs for safety reasons. I don't think that's unreasonable at all.

VeronicaCake · 11/08/2011 20:41

YABU if your friend offered to pay then she was clearly trying to be reasonable. The child sounds like a pain but you've obviously taken a scunner to him too. And he is only four which means there is plenty of time for him to learn some social graces and to be more respectful of other people's stuff. Writing him off now will achieve nothing.

My sisters and I were all horribly shy as children. We were brought up to have good manners but we all struggled with adults talking to us and questions like 'My haven't you grown?' were exactly the kind of thing that would have me wondering what I was meant to say: 'Why yes I have grown Mrs SuperV1xen, how astute of you to notice. I'm probably not even going to be this size for much longer. The doctors say it is a condition known as 'childhood' and I'll probably grow out of it'. But since being a sarky six year old gets you funny looks I tended to just keep my trap shut.

AmongstWomen · 11/08/2011 20:42

My DS comes across as rude and unruly. He has AS, but it wasn't diagnosed at 4 yrs old and he was just 'Child of Satan' to most people.

It's up to you, but I really appreciated the few friends who stuck with me and my boy despite his bad behaviour. In fairness, I never 'let him get away with it' and have always let him know when his behaviour is unacceptable. But honestly, there have been times he has broken things, hit other children and just been very disruptive and if my friends had dropped me because of it I would have no friends left Sad

MightyQuim · 11/08/2011 20:43

Not unreasonable at all. You can have whatever rules you like in your own house but kids who live with those rules every day are going to adhere to them by second nature alot better than a visitor.

youarekidding · 11/08/2011 20:43

Who ever said about shoelaces at 7yo being late were you being serious??

I have exactly 8 days to introduce DS to a shoelace then. --great thing about smaller kids with small feet is velcro shoes fit for a long time. Grin

carpetlover I agree a 4yo is a child not toddler, that's why they start school then and not at pre-school. I'm not sure about being able to read but they can look at books independently, and I'm sure you mean a 4yo version of a detailed picture as opposed to an adults? But yes at 4yo a child could play a board game with an adult and do a jigsaw supported and/or alone. But mainly at 4yo they should have some basic idea of how to behave or a parent who's willing to remind them.

I agree the quiet not answering thing is pretty normal for children this age especially with strangers.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/08/2011 20:43

A good motorcycle helmet is at least £200. If the helmet broke because a child threw it down the stairs, imagine what it would have done to your dhs head if he had an accident? Your dh needs to go and get himself a proper good helmet. It is vital piece of kit!!

MegBusset · 11/08/2011 20:45

My 4yo boy went through his jigsaws and painting phase at 2yo... now he's in the running-round-and-exploring phase! He is also incredibly bright and can do sums, draw complex machines and could have a good go at explaining to you how a car engine works. BUT he can be distractible, shy, tempestuous and unsociable. I don't think this makes him a 'brat' but just a young boy who is learning all this stuff and taking in some of it (combustion engines) quicker than others (how to socialise).

MightyQuim · 11/08/2011 20:47

I wouldn't leave a helmet lying around with kids about tbh. Throwing it down the stairs is an extreme way of damaging it but sitting in it or just dropping it are other examples of how it could be damaged. If it is like a carseat and can be weakened without showing any signs of damage it's not worth the risk to leave it lying around imo.

petaluma · 11/08/2011 20:50

Is anyone really considering the other mum here? She may be cowering at home with a tall glass of wine cringing to her dp/h. I know I would be.

Would you rather she haul her ds home at the first sign of fuss, considering she may be feeling bad about not being in touch with you for so long? You had gone to the trouble of inviting her and her child to lunch - I know I wouldn't take that lightly and skip off. If she was a bit 'wet' then sometimes that is a natural nervous reaction to not knowing how to deal with such a situation.

Maybe I'm wrong but the subtext to this is that you are actually a bit pissed off at her for not being in touch this long and are using her ds's behaviour to reinforce your feelings.

Ds doesn't sound like the perfect house guest, admittedly, but he is still a child and he wasn't the one accepting the invitation. Perhaps a bit of tolerance is in order here, and if you don't want to be tolerant, make it about the mother, not the kid.

mumeeee · 11/08/2011 20:52

My DD wouldn't speak to adults she didn't know at that age she was very shy and also a bit behind with her speech, Most 4 year olds would actually find it a bit dificult to took to strange adults, Also my DD wouldn't hide her face but just look very sullen ( she wasn't sullen just the way it seemed).
hy did the children eat at a diferents time and have a diferent lunch to you, The litle boy might have sat at the table if everyone was eating,
Not wanting to paint is fairly normal,
But breaking things is not good,
I
It is a bit unreasonable and OTT not to invite them again,

herbietea · 11/08/2011 20:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tryingtobemarypoppins2 · 11/08/2011 20:54

I think its really sad. She is your friend, ok today didn't go well, but he is a child, she is your friend. If she is your friend why would you NEVER want them in your home again? You sound scary to me.....perhaps the poor boy didn't want to be in your home!

NingNang · 11/08/2011 20:56

I totally agree about not accepting the money. I'd appreciate the offer but wouldn't be comfortable taking it.