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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with sil even though its not really any of my business?

44 replies

BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:09

My Sil live abroad with her two kids (Aged 5 and 1.5) and her DH. She comes home to visit about 4 times a year (basically whenever her dd is on school hols). She came home this time for the month of august. We generally get on ok i just think she takes the piss a bit. Basically she offloads her children to anyone who will take them at any chance she can get!!

This is a rundown of her trip home so far:

The first weekend, herself and dh headed off for the weekend while mil minded kids.

they came home sunday night. Monday morning her ds wasnt well so she took him to doc and doc wanted her to bring him into hosp. nothing serious. She said she 'needed' mil to go with her to 'help her feed ds his lunch' Hmm

She asked me to take her dd, which was fine as i am SAHM and dn and ds1 get on well. BUT she got home from hosp at 5:30 and didnt collect her until 7pm knowing my dc go to bed at 7pm so she knew i would be busy. She also knew I was in a lot of pain with a toothache.
.
Tuesday: She asked me to take her dc for the whole day so she could visit friend. she had actually asked me a few days before I said yes but didnt end up doing it as that morning my son woke up with rash which i found out was impetigo. she got mil to mind them for the day and i mean the whole day, she didnt get back until 11pm that night.

Weds- It was my dcs last day with their CM ( I have just given up part time work, i finished last week but cm wanted months notice so only finished yesterday) I had planned on chilling for the day as I rarely get a day to myself(like most mothers Smile) but as ds2 had impetigo i had to keep him at home. I told all this to sil but wouldnt have expected her to take him as I was only chilling out and wouldnt want anyone catching the impetigo. Ds2 and i ended up having a lovely day at home anyway, we rarely get time alone.

this morning: Sil rings me and says 'Im going away with the girls tomorrow night but mum has a really bad cold. would you mind taking them for a few hours tomorrow day and sat day to give her a break?'. I said yeah that ok as mil would always help dp and I out if we were stuck. I asked her what she was up to as it sounded like she was out in town. She replies 'oh im just in town getting my nails and tan done!' Mil had the kids! So she left them again knowing mil was smothering with a cold. Ill have to go over and help her out once my dc wake from nap. I said ' Well thats fine but ds2 has impetigo' and she says 'ah sure they are going to catch it at some stage!' eh no, its not like chicken pox Hmm

Dp is so annoyed with her and I think is going to say it to mil. He is going to tell ehr not to let sil take advantage anymore. We would very rarely ask anyone to mind our dc. we only ask when really stuck. He said the one good thing about ds having impetigo is we have an excuse not to mind them Smile

She still has two more weeks left in her trip so god knows how many more times we will be asked to mind them.

Im terrible at saying no to people!!

AIBU even though its really mil business and not mine :)

OP posts:
Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:11

I forgot to add, she does this EVERY time she home. She also flies mil over about 3 times a year and takes full advantage all week. My other Sil (who lives in sils hometown)who has no dc is also treated as a nanny.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 11/08/2011 12:14

YABU - she's taking advantage of childcare and you're letting her. Say no or stop moaning.

Journey · 11/08/2011 12:16

If you don't like it just say "no". What your MIL chooses to do is up to her.

Coca · 11/08/2011 12:16

Does your mil view it as taking advantage? She may just be happy to see her grandchildren.

EldritchCleavage · 11/08/2011 12:17

That does sound annoying, but realistically she can only take advantage if you all let her. You have to say no, politely but firmly, whenever it doesn't suit you. If you find this difficult, get your DP to do it (I'm assuming that she is your DP's sister).

As for your MIL, I would only encourage DP (not you) to get involved in the arrangements with MIL if you know for a fact MIL is finding it hard. If MIL is delighted to see her grandchildren and happy to take them any chance she gets, then all is fine. The fact that SIL seems to have little time for her own children is her lookout. She'll regret it one day.

Georgimama · 11/08/2011 12:19

But you've only actually looked after them for one day, haven't you? Perhaps if she only comes back to the UK four times a year she thinks her children's relatives i.e you and your children - might actually want to spend some time with them?

Say no to your SIL if this is not the case. Your MIL is probably happy to see so much of her grand children while they are here. She can pipe up for herself if she isn't.

worraliberty · 11/08/2011 12:21

Give her a break. She's coming over from abroad so this is like a holiday for her.

What your MIL does is none of your business or your DP's for that matter

If you don't want to look after your niece/nephew then don't...no-one's forcing you are they?

Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:22

I know I know, i need to grow a backbone Blush.

Mil is finding it hard but cant say no like me. She told me she is not able for it before and has hinted that she is annoyed to dp before. She also told me she would never move to sils country as she would be 'worked to the bone'

How do I say no when she knows i have nothing better to do?! I am a SAHM, the furthest i go is to a playgroup or to the playgound. I just dont like being taken advantage of. I am always offering my mind me friends dd as i know she would never take advantage of me.

OP posts:
PrincessScrumpy · 11/08/2011 12:22

It's very difficult with mil - when we visit pil I take a step back as they love dd but seem to worry about tredding on my toes. I hope they don't think I'm lazy because of that. Also, pil live 4 hours away and when we visit we do leave dd with them so we can see friends (usually evenings as dd comes with us in the day). The last two visits saw me going to a full day's hen do (dh stayed with dd and pil) and then dh and I went to a child-free wedding so pil took care of dd. I would be horrified if pil thought we were talking advantage.

Having said that - your sil seems to be unable to get the balance right, but she may think you all love seeing her dc as she lives away from you. Just say no!

Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:24

worraliberty as I said she is home at every school break plus mil is over at least 3 times a year, it isnt a holiday. We do like to spend time with them but together as a family not everyday while sil swans off.

OP posts:
pictish · 11/08/2011 12:25

For goodness sake, stay out of it!

That your mil agrees to childmind her daughter's children (and her grandchildren that she rarely gets to see) is nothing to do with you whatsoever!

Are you jealous that she is spending so much time having child free fun? Is that it? Otherwise I have no idea why you would give a toss.

worraliberty · 11/08/2011 12:26

It might not be your idea of a holiday but it's probably hers.

It can't be easy living in a different country from your family and friends and it must be fun to come over during the summer hols.

Do you spend time with your niece and nephew every day while your SIL swans off then?

Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:29

She has Sil over there with her plus load of friends.

Yes i do, I call in to mil every other day with the kids. they live nearby.

Ok I get it, IABU Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:30

Dp and I never ask PIL or my parents to mind our dc. Maybe that is why we are so Shock about it.

OP posts:
DoMeDon · 11/08/2011 12:31

Just because she does it more than once doesn't mean it's not a holiday. My DD spends lots of time with her GF - he loves it. One of my firends hinted I took advantage. It's jealousy as I get some free time and hassle free childcare. She's a mummy martyr though - plenty out there. My dad loves spending time with DD, loves seeing me have some free time. I do lots for him, he does for me - it's called being a family.

Your SIL is not responsible for your inability to assert yourself. Matters not if you are free - you just say no - if you must justify - no, it's not convenient today. FWIW she does sounds a bit of a cheeky mare but it's because she gets away with it.

worraliberty · 11/08/2011 12:32

No-one's forcing you to visit your MIL while the kids are there are they?

And really just because you and your DP don't ask people to mind your kids, doesn't mean she shouldn't ask her own Mum to mind hers does it?

YABU just chill out and concentrate on your own lives Smile

Catslikehats · 11/08/2011 12:35

I've read your post twice and as far as I can see you looked after your sil's DD for a couple of hours whilst she took her other child to hospital and you begrudge the fact she didn't rush round immediately and rather had 1.5 hrs to herself/pick up food/collect prescription/make dinner or whatever sh did.

I am struggling to see a problem

Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:37

Its completely different when GP offer to take dc for the day. My mum would often ring me and say can i take ds1 to the beach or ds2 to the playground.

I know IABU that is none of my business but i know she IBU. I mean she booked that night away with the girls without even asking her dm if she was free. That is just taking the piss in my eyes. I will take them tomorrow and sat as a favour to mil but I will be strong next week and tell her it doesnt suit.

It is not jealousy. It really isnt. Dp is very good with the dc and he takes the kids out every sat morning to give me my 'Me-time' plus any other time i need it.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 11/08/2011 12:43

Could you be a bit jealous of her close relationship with your MIL?

It could just be your writing style but you sound very detached from your Niece and Nephew in the sense you keep referring to them as your SIL's kids?

DoMeDon · 11/08/2011 12:44

I hope you didn't think my post was calling you jealous BTW - I was referring to my friend who is jealous but refuses to ask anyone for help.

I honestly don't see why it bothers you this much though. FWIW my dad has DD several times a week, including looking after her overnight a couple of times a week so I can work. He even took her to park so I could contemplate my navel for the afternnon yesterday. Some people think I am so lucky/cheeky/whatever. He is her family though and it is nice for him. I would imagine that SIL thinks it is a similar joy for her MIL to care for DC.

Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 12:44

Worraliberty I have no problem spending time with the kids. I like them, they are nice kids. I just dont like being used as a babysitter everytime sil come home.

Thequeenofdenial, she was sitting at home having a rest. I was in bits with a toothache.

I admit it is none of my business. I suppose i just see it differently.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 11/08/2011 12:47

But you've only looked after them once while she went to hospital? Confused

Catslikehats · 11/08/2011 12:51

So she was in hospital all day with a sick toddler and you begrudge her an hours rest?

Even if she knew you had toothache presumably you can appreciate that you weren't at the forefront of her mind given being at the hospital, additionally is it possible she could have presumed that by that time your DH (her brother?) would have been about to help out?

Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 13:01

Definitely not jealous of mil relationship! I like her kids but i suppose i wouldnt be as close to them as i am my friends kids. but i show an interest in them.

I suppose a have a few issues from the past aswell. After I had ds1, Mil offered to mind him while i went back to work. It was only 2 days a week. We paid her £60 but sil wasnt happy with this. Then I had ds2 very shortly after. We had planned on getting CM as we felt mil wouldnt want to mind two kids under 15 months. But Mil said she needed the cash so said she would mind them both for 2 days for £100. We were happy to do this if she was. Dp is home by 5pm at the latest so it wasnt too long a day.

After we agreed this, Mil phone rang, it was Sil. Mil told her that she would be midning the kids. I could hear sil through the phone iykwim. Conversation went something like this :

Mil: Im going to be minding the boys when 'BoysRusxxx goes back to work.

Sil: How much will they be paying you?

Mil:100

Sil: Thats not enough, youll be minding two yound kids two days a week, they should be paying you at least 150.

Mil: ah no, im trying to help them out here

Sil: what if i need you to come over to mind my dc

Mil: well boysRus boss is flexible with hours

And so on so forth..

Mil shouldnt have had this conversation in front of me and dc but she did. I just said my goodbyes and left. She knew I was pissed off and sil interfering but nothing was ever said about it. In hindsight, Dp should have taken sil up on it. And he regrets it. He is very confident and has a good backbone unlike me.

OP posts:
Original poster
BoysRusxxx · 11/08/2011 13:05

But Worraliberty, its not just this time. It every time. She is here for a month this time. I did only have them that day, but i also would have had them all day tues if ds didnt have impetigo and i have them tomorrow and sat.

forgot to say. Mil only ended up minding dc for a few months as she kept leaving us to go to visit sil with only a few days notice. We ended up havign to get a CM which worked out better for us.

OP posts: