AIBU to be annoyed with sil even though its not really any of my business?

[BoysRusxxx]

My Sil live abroad with her two kids (Aged 5 and 1.5) and her DH. She comes home to visit about 4 times a year (basically whenever her dd is on school hols). She came home this time for the month of august. We generally get on ok i just think she takes the piss a bit. Basically she offloads her children to anyone who will take them at any chance she can get!!

This is a rundown of her trip home so far:

The first weekend, herself and dh headed off for the weekend while mil minded kids.

they came home sunday night. Monday morning her ds wasnt well so she took him to doc and doc wanted her to bring him into hosp. nothing serious. She said she 'needed' mil to go with her to 'help her feed ds his lunch'

She asked me to take her dd, which was fine as i am SAHM and dn and ds1 get on well. BUT she got home from hosp at 5:30 and didnt collect her until 7pm knowing my dc go to bed at 7pm so she knew i would be busy. She also knew I was in a lot of pain with a toothache.
.
Tuesday: She asked me to take her dc for the whole day so she could visit friend. she had actually asked me a few days before I said yes but didnt end up doing it as that morning my son woke up with rash which i found out was impetigo. she got mil to mind them for the day and i mean the whole day, she didnt get back until 11pm that night.

Weds- It was my dcs last day with their CM ( I have just given up part time work, i finished last week but cm wanted months notice so only finished yesterday) I had planned on chilling for the day as I rarely get a day to myself(like most mothers ) but as ds2 had impetigo i had to keep him at home. I told all this to sil but wouldnt have expected her to take him as I was only chilling out and wouldnt want anyone catching the impetigo. Ds2 and i ended up having a lovely day at home anyway, we rarely get time alone.

this morning: Sil rings me and says 'Im going away with the girls tomorrow night but mum has a really bad cold. would you mind taking them for a few hours tomorrow day and sat day to give her a break?'. I said yeah that ok as mil would always help dp and I out if we were stuck. I asked her what she was up to as it sounded like she was out in town. She replies 'oh im just in town getting my nails and tan done!' Mil had the kids! So she left them again knowing mil was smothering with a cold. Ill have to go over and help her out once my dc wake from nap. I said ' Well thats fine but ds2 has impetigo' and she says 'ah sure they are going to catch it at some stage!' eh no, its not like chicken pox

Dp is so annoyed with her and I think is going to say it to mil. He is going to tell ehr not to let sil take advantage anymore. We would very rarely ask anyone to mind our dc. we only ask when really stuck. He said the one good thing about ds having impetigo is we have an excuse not to mind them

She still has two more weeks left in her trip so god knows how many more times we will be asked to mind them.

Im terrible at saying no to people!!

AIBU even though its really mil business and not mine :)

Sounds like my SIL. She lives in Europe and does exactly the same! My PILs are going over to watch her kids so she and her DH can go for a weekend away. So that is them about £400 out of pocket just to get there and then look after a 18m and 5yold. SIL does it all the time with her parents and her parents let her. She comes home and goes out to visit her mates, stays away, goes shopping and so on. I love her to pieces and love her kids, but I really do think she takes the piss with her mum and dad. However it is up to them to say no, and my MIL and I have spoken about it, and the most I feel I can say is, well if you are happy to do it, then it works for everyone, but if you are getting tired, then maybe you should say something.

What I'm reading is that SIL feels a sense of entitlement and automatically assumes grandma = free babysitting anytime (and this extends to her immediate family including her sister and your DP).

Your MIL doesn't know how to say "no" to her own daughter and is hinting to you and your DP that she finds it a bit overwhelming.

You are feeling bad for your MIL because you are sensing she is being taken advantage of by her own daughter, and even though you know it's none of your business.... you want to stand up for her.

YANBU just protective of your MIL and quite sweet, I think.

Having a word with SIL yourself is out of the question, but perhaps your DP does need to step in and remind his sister that she shouldn't treat her mother as her nanny, but rather ask and be grateful and appreciative.

From what you write, it doesn't sound like this is about spending quality time with the family, etc. She's not planning family outings or making any effort to spend time with your DCs, is she? She's getting her nails done.

Ggpants, are you me?! They sound very similar.

pchip, your right, even if i had the balls I would never say anything to sil but I would say dp will soon. He sees his mother is so tired and if it was my mother/my brother i would be very upset for her.

Sil has gone to get her nails done today which for most people is an hour or whatever but Sil will take time to look around the shops, have a leisurely lunch etc so mil will have them for the day. im just waiting for ds's to wake from nap and i will go and help her.

Mil and I arent best friends or anything but she helps me when im stuck and visa versa.

Youve hit the nail on the head with my sil. I never thought of her not spending time with my kids. They are her nephews too. I know what poeple are saying about her thinking that we all want to spend time with her kids and we do but that doesnt mean to be completely responsible for them!

Well how many times a year does MIL help you out? It's annoying you because SIL is cramming all that babysitting into a few visits a year, but I bet your MIL has them round for tea, will watch them for the afternoon if you wanted to go shopping/get some decorating done etc.

I'm probably the same as you - my mum and dad are round the corner and constantly help out with small things. My sister and kids comes home perhaps twice a year and she basically just dumps them on them and goes off galavanting. Which is probably miniscule compared to all the help I get throughout the year, but it does get up my nose when she does it!

But your sil looks after her dc the rest of the year and probably assumes her parents want to spend time with dc which means she can go off and do things.
As with all there pil threads i dunno why wot can't just leave it to dh and sil to sort it out.
Am surprised anyone would accept payment to look after their own gc anyway

My Mate does this. I have helped her out when she's been stuck with her work and unable to get help for her baby..but lately she's been asking me for what I see as weak reasons. It's like she's taking the piss.

For instance she's going away on a girly weekend...she's had it booked for MONTHS and last night she called me to ask if I would have her DD on Friday all day as her DP forgot to book the day off work when she will be going away!

I had to say no. I felt like he was choosing not to book a day off because I have always had their DD when they needed me to.

I felt bad. But like you am a pushover. Learn to say no.

No northerngirl, we really dont ask them at all. I would say once a month she might take them for an hour if say I had to work late and dp had a match but it would literally be an hour. about 6 weeks ago she minded them so dp and I could go out but we put them to bed and were home by 1am. We bring them shopping. I would plan things like getting my nails done for an evening or over the weekend when dp is free.

I have two toddlers so it is very busy minding them so I dont like to put people out. Theres no way it adds up to the amount of time she minds sil kids as i said she is over every school holiday and then mil is over there about 4 times a year aswell.

I think mil is afraid to say no to sil but she would have no problem saying to us. About a year ago dp and I went away to a wedding overnight without the kids. Mil took ds1 and my mum took ds2. They had encouraged us to go as we never get nights out together. we were delighted and had a great time. The next day, we arrived to mils to pick up ds but he was having a nap so dp said would you mndn if we stopped into local pub as the wedding couple were having a bbq there. We said we would only be an hour and mil said yes. as we were walking out the door she said, sure its not like id have anything better to be doing with my day' sarcastically. Dp was so upset as he never takes advantage like sil and mil kind of put a downer on the whole experience for us.

Sil is very manipulating and can twist things to suit herself. She is very good at making mil feel bad for not taking them for example last week she arrived home. dp collected them from airport and sil had planned on just having dinner then heading to their holiday home for a few days but as it was getting late, we said they should just stay and head off early the next morning.

Sil said yes thats grand. I offered that they could stay with us as mil had two foreign students staying with her and didnt have room for sil, bil and two kids. Sil replies 'oh great we will stay with you and mam can take the kids overnight!'

Mil says 'thats fine but i need you back early as its the students last day and I wanted to cook them a big fry and send them off etc'

Sil turns to me and dp and says ' I swear to god, I NEVER get a fucking lie on!'

Mil just rolled her eyes and walked out of room but still took the kids. She asked her to be back for 830am and she was still sitting at my breakfast table drinking tea at 9am. She just has no respect for anyones time and feels that she is entitled to all this.

just tell SIL "no, if you want childcare on his holiday, i can give you details of local nanny agencies, but I don't want to look after your children." And smile lots. "I don't want to" is very hard to argue against/twist.

You can tell your MIL you've decided you're going to say no to every childcare request SIL comes out with, suggest she tries it too for 1 week of this holiday, see what happens.

Oh, and if SIL was sat at my table at 9am when I heard her tell MIL she'd be there at 8:30am I'd tell her she was taking the piss and unspeakably rude to MIL, but then I'm not all that worried about pissing off SIL. Call her on her bad behaviour, or it won't stop.

There does seem to be rather a lot of entitlement here.

But really MIL should say no, not try to involve others to do it for her.

You right. Sil is back from her night away on sat and Im sure she will be up to her usual tricks next week. I really am going to say no.

She does the same when shes at home. Im good friends with other Sil. She has no kids and sil just totally takes advantage of her. A few months ago, Sil1 asked could she work Easter sunday and easter monday so she would get double pay. She didnt arrange any childcare but said yes and three days before rang sil2 and said im really stuck can you mind them? Sil2 felt she would be letting her down if she said no and did it! She had plans to go out with her dp that weekend but cancelled. So she gave up her BH weekend (2 x 12 hour shift) so sil could make a fortune in work. Sil2 felt she had to say yes as she sil1 had recently lent her some money. I would never put anyone in that position.

No i really am going to make a stand! Dp is at the end of his tether about it too as he is upset that his mam is just benn taken for a ride.

If SIL is abroad, do people bother to visit her?

I would start asking her to mind your kids then too! My SIL when she is home will get my DS from the childminders early to give him his dinner with his cousins, which is lovely of her, so I do not mind doing the same for her. But I think I have set some clear boundries of what I will and wont do, so she doesnt get a chance to take the piss. How she treats her parents and more importantly how they let themselves be treated is out of my control.

It sounds complex to me. You resent your MiL's relationship with her daughter (you're never going to win that one) and don't like all the favours your SiL gets over your own family. The only thing you can change is you being reasonable in saying no to her, not your MiL. The hospital visit isn't one of those times, i'm afraid but other times are. Be logical and spot manipulation. When she asks just say that you can't do it but you use xx agency is similar situations and they're great.

Do you also resent that she isn't as hands on with her children as you are?

Thank god that she lives abroad!!

I understand why people are saying it's up to MIL to say no as it is.

But I don't think OP IBU in not looking after her DN's, I mean if she went over to SIL 4 times a year would SIL look after her DC's whilst her and DH went out? And when is she going to return the favour whilst she's here? I get the hospital thing is fair enough BUT would any of you leave a child and go off galavanting the next day? To me that is BU.

OP, next time she asks just say, yes I'd like to have them Weds (or whenever), so if you can have them Tuesday for the day I'll return the favour Wednesday. I'd like to see her try and argue her way out of that one.

I don't understand the Wednesday thing.

Did something happen on the wednesday that annoyed you?

Agree with gapants - I'd start working on the assumption that if you're having her kids, she'll have yours in return. So when she calls to book you in - be ready with a return date (even if you don't want one that much).

And come up with a good reason you don't want the kids too much this summer & tell her NOW. Eg one of them is really clingy atm or sommat. Just stick to it, and say 'no sorry xx is really needing some time with me'. Nothing else, just no. No sorry.

I agree you should try to book your kids in with her for a day. What happens when you do that? I would think that sisters in law who both have small kids should ideally be able to ask each other for help, but if it's a one way street - that'll poison any relationship.

What happened on weds was - Dc were supposed to be going to their CM for their last day. I finished work last week so was excited about spending the day to myself and just chilling out. I found out on tues morning that ds2 had impetigo so i couldnt send him to CM. When I spoke to Sil on tues I told her this not looking for her to take ds2 was just ranting, you know 'i was looking forward to my day to myself but ds2 has impetigo so will have to keep home' I wasnt expecting her to offer to take him as he was infectious. she actually told me to 'lie to the CM and tell her its not impetigo' obviously wouldnt do that.

So weds, ds1 went to CM and ds2 stayed home with me. thats was fine, had a nice day. BUT then she rang me today and asked me to take her kids tomorrow and sat as mil is sick and she is going away for the night. i said 'ds2 has impetigo' and she says 'its grand sure if they are gonna get , they will get it' I suppose i was a bit pissed off that she wouldnt offer to take ds2 for me on weds. I wouldnt have asked as he had impetigo but it wasnt an issue when she wanted me to mind hers! sorry its confusing.

I would never ask her to mind them. I honestly dont think I have ever asked her. Im trying to think of a time but i really cant. I would never land my two toddlers on someone who already has a toddler and child. I mean you cant even leave the house with the lot of them.

Im not the type of person who doesnt want to anyone any favours. As i said earlier, I often say to my friend with a toddler that i would love to have her and anytime she has a family event on i will offer although she never takes me up on it.

Dp wants to just forget about it now. And hes right. Ill mind them tomorrow and sat as I already said i would and mil would end up having to do it if i dont but from then on ill just say no and have an excuse at the ready.