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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that just because I let off steam about my Dh to my friends, it does not make him fair game?

31 replies

RoobyMyrtle · 07/08/2011 18:08

Oh FFS! Dh and I have had a rough few years. He works far too many hours and has tended to opt out of our relationship and family life a lot because of it. I (naturally) moan about this to my friends. Well I have well and truly learnt my lesson on that one.

Recently found out that someone I had considered to be a friend and whom I see fairly often socially "decided" that we were both clearly very unhappy and were about to split up. As she's fancied my dh for years(!) she thought she'd bag him first and has been texting and emailing him to let him know she's available.

I've sorted this out with dh and I she's actually done us a back-handed favour as we've talked and talked and sorted out issues that have been festering for years. I've still yet to talk to her though as I don't trust myself to keep my dignity, but it's only a matter of time before we cross paths.

Dh thinks she's sad and lonely, so I should forgive and forget: AIBU to think bugger that - what she's done is unforgivable?

OP posts:

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 18:10

MardyBra · 07/08/2011 18:10

Wow! She is well out of order.

RandomMess · 07/08/2011 18:10

I thought this would be you saying that you'd moaned about dh and friends had spread it all around.

I am still

MrsPresley · 07/08/2011 18:12

I'm afraid she wouldnt be my friend anymore.

I can put up with a lot of shit from fiends (as they probably do from me) but hitting on your friends husband/partner/boyfriend is a BIG no no!

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 18:15

I think he should totally reject her, never mind saying she's sad and lonely - he should acknowledge she's being totally disrespectful to you.

And to be honest, you sound as though you have been disrespectful to him, too.

bananasplitz · 07/08/2011 18:16

how did she let him know she was available

ENormaSnob · 07/08/2011 18:18

Yanbu

I wouldn't speak to her again.

Lilyloo · 07/08/2011 18:19

she would certainly never be my friend again and i would be letting all our other friends now why !!

DaveGrohlsgirl · 07/08/2011 18:20

I can't believe a "friend" would do this to you....so out of order!!

I was with RandomMess on what had happened but this is incredible.

She would no longer be my friend either I am afraid

I have been in the same position as you OP in the moaning about DP to my now ex friend.
She decided that I was in an emotionally abusive relationship (which could not be further from the truth) and let me down at a time when I really needed her. I have not spoken to her since.
My relationship with DH is great, and I no longer have her negativity around me.....best thing I ever did TBH!!

Glad that you and your DH took this opportunity to sort things out.......let the friend go

catgirl1976 · 07/08/2011 18:20

oh my word. YANBU - cut her out of both your lives

Honeydragon · 07/08/2011 18:34

Sorry but she was not your friend. Whilst it was unfair of you to bad mouth your dh, understandable, but unfair. It sounds like through talking to dh you've realised this which is brilliant.

My dh is in a similar position to yours, I ahve one friend who I do sometimes have a moan too, but she adores my dh (platonic-ally) so she knows I need to vent not that we are having issues. Mostly when dh is being a nob I call MiL, thats what she's there for!

However I don't be;lieve for one minute your friend thought your relationship was on the rocks, she wanted a green light to behave badly and that was it. She'd have thought of something else if things were ok.

I had a so called friend who was party to a conversation about adultry. I had remarked that given the nature of dh's job, I had to trust him so never felt the need to check up on him, and felt our relationship and moral codes were enough. I flippantly remarked "besides what I don't know can't hurt" referring to the fact that dh could easily have an affair through his travelling without any mutual acquaintances finding out, so I'd never know.

She took this as her "green light", spread rumours that we had an open relationship and kept calling dh when she suspected he was away to discuss possible work her company needed. Dh treated her with courtesy and told me off the phone calls etc. It did not end well for her when another mutual friend called her up on her behaviour and her dp of the time found out and left her....I maintained my dignity throughout and am still civil to her and am glad to this day that I did

create · 07/08/2011 18:37

Why did she need to be "texting and emailing" though? If she was just letting him know she was available wouldn't one reply telling her she'd was barking up the wrong tree be enough to put a stop to it all? Sorry if I've a nasty suspicious mind, but is DH asking you to go easy on her for a reason?

fedupofnamechanging · 07/08/2011 18:43

She sounds like Jeremy Kyle fodder. I think your DH needs to send her a clear message that what she's done is so very disrespectful to you, his wife, that he wants no more contact with her.

She is no friend to you, so get rid. People like this contribute nothing positive t your life, so it's pointless keeping them in it.

On the bright side, you now know why it is a bad idea to bitch about your spouse to your mates. they have long memories and will remember the gory details of a dispute long after you've kissed and made up. Keep the bitching to MN - at least you know we won't be trying to shag your husband behind your back!

TidyDancer · 07/08/2011 18:50

Was she drunk?

FabbyChic · 07/08/2011 18:55

That is not a friend that is a piranha. I'd tell her that what she has done is disgusting and you want nothing more to do with her.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 18:57

How did she have his contact details?

L8rAllig8r · 07/08/2011 18:58

Wow! That's terrible. YADNBU. I would have already have had strong words with her if I was in your position. Shocking behaviour.

DontGoCurly · 07/08/2011 18:58

So he maintains it was all one sided then??? With her doing all the chasing without any encouragement from him??? Oh purrrlease !!
And now he wants you to forget all about it...???
Convenient eh??

Whatmeworry · 07/08/2011 19:11

Wondering how many posts this will take before it becomes DH's fault......

For the record - whinging to friends about marriage ishoos is a bad idea in my experience, take it up with DP and MN voyeurs family first.

diddl · 07/08/2011 19:19

What she did was awful, but what might OP have said for her to think that?

And the husband is defending her!!??

MixedClassBaby · 07/08/2011 19:23

YANBU. She's no friend.

fedupofnamechanging · 07/08/2011 19:23

I'm struggling to think of anything a person might say that would make their 'friend' think it's okay to make a pass at their husband.

Original poster

RoobyMyrtle · 08/08/2011 08:14

Sorry to post and run there - the kids commandeered the computer. It's given me plenty of time to mull this over some more. Dealing with a few of the questions:

Clearly I'm not proud of moaning about dh, but he would never discuss any problems (which was a massive problem in itself) and I believed myself to be in a small group of very supportive women. We've known each other for many years and helped each other through serious illnesses, and marriage break-ups.

What I said was that dh didn't get up/go to bed at the same time as me, never ate any meals with us as a family (except weekends) and generally works all hours. He's totally focused on his work and even the kids had said that he doesn't feel like he's part of the family. Last year things got really bad, and he seemed completely detatched from me and stopped even looking at/talking much to me, but I didn't tell anyone about that. I didn't say we were about to split up. I was asking for help on how to fix it. [The plus side of all this is that dh and I are now trying to sort this out and it's going well]

I don't know what you think but I don't think that gave her the green light. When we go out with husbands, dh usually chats most to her because they have a shared interest in music and he doesn't feel comfortable with my other friends (he's not very sociable). I think that made her think he fancied her and as she fancied him she heard what she wanted to hear.

There were lots of email/texts from her because she didn't just say "I've heard you're free now, how about it", she was trying to befriend dh in a very flirty and obvious way that he totally failed to see. When I pointed this out to him he phoned her and she told him what I put in the OP: she thought we were both very unhappy and as she fancied him, she thought she'd get in there.

Obviously I no longer consider to be a friend, but I'm bound to run into her again unless one of us stops going out. I don't know what to do about telling other people about this. I don't want to be in the same room as her so I need to know which events she's going to so I can decline them, but I don't want to tell other people as it will cause huge ructions

Sorry, this isn't very coherent - I'm feeling sleepy but thought I'd get online before the kids are up and steal my computer again x

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 08/08/2011 09:03

Truthfully, I think you do need to tell her what you've said here - that you were having what you thought were conversations with supportive friends. Even if you had been about to split, she should not be trying to make a move on your husband. That's disgusting behaviour and i think you ought to tell her so.

I also think that you maybe can't avoid telling mutual friends why you are not speaking to her. They will notice you not accepting invitations where she won't be. If you say nothing, you are allowing her to control the flow of information.

Now wrt your Dh, I don't know if he was as oblivious to her flirting as he claims to be. What did say to her on the phone, because I think that's quite important. Were you there when he made the call? Only you can judge if he's being honest with you.

I would want my DH to tell her to back the fuck off and that she was rude and disrespectful to his wife and he is not at all interested. I would also expect him not to chat to her again. People like her have no shame and if there are problems in a marriage, will be trying to make them worse, not helping the relationship to get back on track, like a true friend would.

Fwiw, I don't think you said anything unreasonable to your friends - you were trying to get advice and didn't completely slate his character to them. For her to do what she did is beyond awful imo and I don't think you should miss out on seeing mutual friends because of her. I think you'd maybe be doing them a favour to let them know what kind of 'friend' she really is.

fedupofnamechanging · 08/08/2011 09:04

won't be should read will be. sorry

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