To think that just because I let off steam about my Dh to my friends, it does not make him fair game?

[RoobyMyrtle]

Oh FFS! Dh and I have had a rough few years. He works far too many hours and has tended to opt out of our relationship and family life a lot because of it. I (naturally) moan about this to my friends. Well I have well and truly learnt my lesson on that one.

Recently found out that someone I had considered to be a friend and whom I see fairly often socially "decided" that we were both clearly very unhappy and were about to split up. As she's fancied my dh for years(!) she thought she'd bag him first and has been texting and emailing him to let him know she's available.

I've sorted this out with dh and I she's actually done us a back-handed favour as we've talked and talked and sorted out issues that have been festering for years. I've still yet to talk to her though as I don't trust myself to keep my dignity, but it's only a matter of time before we cross paths.

Dh thinks she's sad and lonely, so I should forgive and forget: AIBU to think bugger that - what she's done is unforgivable?

I agree that even of you were about to split up this would be awful behavior, I would be totally disgusted and would have a hard time restraining myself from knocking her block off. With regards to some posters being suspicious of your DH I think that you know him best and if you say that he is to be trusted then thats fine. Do tell your other friends what she did though and that you are not speaking to her. They must be warned.

I've seen all the written communication (the emails which were how she first got in touch I saw before dh knew I knew about it as I was trying to check for an urgent email using dh's phone while kids were on the PC, saw a chain of emails from her and though it was weird he'd not told me she'd been in touch as usually she contacts me? I quizzed dh about it and he showed me the texts as well. They were all very innocuous on his side and no gaps to indicate that anything had been deleted. My only( but very major) argument with dh over this is that he didn't tell me about it. He says he didn't realise at first what was going on but when he started to realise, he panicked and wanted to shield me from it (?!!) He then texted her to tell her to stop because it was "upsetting" me. She misunderstood and thought he wanted to continue but I was causing trouble.

After thinking what to do for a couple of days, he phoned her at work, told her she'd got the wrong idea and he has no interest in her at all other than as a friend and that was now impossible. I do believe him, though I have "had words" with him obviously! We've been together for 25 years so I'm not about to throw that away when in essence nothing actually happened, and anyway he finds lying almost impossible (although not" lying by omission" I now see).

Thank you for your wise words. I think I do need to talk to her and I will after the school holidays when the kids aren't around. Talking to mutual friends would be a lot harder. Everyone loves her and I worry this would cause arguments I haven't got the energy for (I have a debilitating health condition). I would feel guilty for "outing" her too if that makes sense? Everything slowed down for the summer now anyway so I'll see what happens.
Thanks again for listening x

She isn't a friend. if I were in your position I would tell her as such and then never contact her again.

What an absolute cow. You shouldn't feel you have to decline every invitation in the future to an event she might be at, though - she's the one who should be hiding at home out of shame!
If you generally mix in the same circles a lot, people will probably notice if you aren't speaking to her. Whilst maybe ranting about her in public to anyone that will listen is unnecessary, there's no reason you shouldn't just be honest if someone asks you directly. You haven't done anything wrong and are under no obligation to lie about her appalling behaviour. Maybe she will learn from this...

Please don't feel guilty for 'outing' her. people only love her because they don't know what she's really like. Besides, you don't want her to put a spin on this and make you out to be some jealous wife standing in the way of her friendship with your husband. You do need to make the truth clear to mutual friends.

I think she sounds unhinged because she has created something in her mind completely from nowhere.

Something to think on OP - you clearly thought DH was BU, but one (at least) of your sympathetic listeners clearly thought he wasn't and was worth a shot.