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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have co slept with my 6wo niece?

643 replies

Piggyleroux · 06/08/2011 16:15

I am really upset at what happened this morning and my bil and sil house (dh's brother) but suspect iabu so thoughts would be appreciated.

I posted in the breast and bottle feeding section last week about my sil 6 wo dd having a pretty severe lactose intolerance. Sil decided not to bf and the medics eventually found a formula that she could just about tolerate. She is slowly gaining weight and is not nearly as pukey as she was so all good there.

However, night times are still horrendous for them with dd up most of the night screaming. Bil called my dh yesterday morning to ask if we would come and spend the night to give them a break as they were shattered and couldn't face another sleepless night.

When we got there (they live a good hour away) I was shocked to see how awful they looked. Really sleep deprived. Bil has a really high powered job that he has to be on the ball for and I really felt sorry for them both. Sil gave me instructions on making up feeds and said that dd is in her own room and once she has settled I can put her in there.

Anyway, they went to bed about 9 and dh and ds (16 mo) went up about 10. I am still bfing ds so gave him a quick feed and he settled and went to sleep. Dn was getting really grizzly so I gave her a bottle and she went to sleep. I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. She then started screaming. I picked her up and she fell asleep. I tried to put her down and started screaming. Anyway, this went on for a good hour so I went into the spare room which has a double bed in it and lay down with her. She turned her head toward me and went to sleep. And stayed asleep. Until 4am. I slept really lightly and any sniffles she made I woke up.

I gave her another feed at 4am and after that we went back to sleep. I woke up at 8am with dn still sleeping beside me. I could hear sil asking where she was. BIl came into the spare bedroom and shouted down that we were still in bed. Sil came in the room and went ballistic. She told me I was fucking irresponsible for cosleeping, didn't I know that her dd could have died? She said that she doesnt want her dd getting used to cosleeping amd wants her to be independent. I explained to her that I have been cosleeping with ds since he was born but she wouldn't listen. She was really ranting and we ended up leaving in a hurry.

On the way home, told dh that I think the baby screams because she simply needs human contact and needs to sleep near someone. They haven't had more than two hours unbroken sleep since they brought her home and truly think this is because she wakes up and panics because she is on her own.

Wibu to cosleep with her? I feel really hurt and upset by what was said.

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/08/2011 09:11

Ideally I think op was expected to focus on getting dn to sleep in her cot . Had she stayed in her room and perhaps slept on floor/chair, shushing then that may have been more acceptable. SIL had given instructions - "I put her in her cot and left the room as instructed by sil. " - which didn't include co-sleeping. Whether she has not passed judgement on this in the past isn't really relevant, especially if this is their first child and probably they only now realises the significance and made a choice not to, which op knew. Ironic that she is in her own room instead though as SID risk is probably higher. I think the sil/bil had an expectation that op would give up a night's sleep if needs be to help them out and support their system, but can understand that op felt exhausted and found her own solution. Maybe they think 16m olds aren't tiring in comparison!

As an aside on the milk tolerance issue, have they been advised about reflux too - maybe elevating the cot could help dn have a comfier position to sleep.

diddl · 07/08/2011 09:21

OP-I hope it helps to think that some are on your side!

I also wonder why, if so desperate for sleep they are still trying so hard for a routine with a 6wk old.

PrincessJenga · 07/08/2011 09:30

OP - you sound lovely. I'm expecting my first child any day now. If I'm struggling will you come round and spend the night? I promise the only contact you get in the morning will be me bringing you a steaming cup of tea, a huge bunch of flowers and a massive THANK YOU!!!

Cartoonjane · 07/08/2011 09:46

OP I don't think you were being unreasonable at all. The opposite in fact. So often I hear people having great trouble with their babies at night which would all be solved if they took them into bed with them. I know it's not safe for everyone eg if you drink or smoke, but for most, as I understand it, it is safe if the baby is on the end, not in between two adults. I don't understand all the fuss people make about it. I also think if you have gone out of your way to help someone, even if you have got it a bit wrong in their eyes, it's pretty awful to be subjected to such anger. Your SIL should see that your motives were genuine and that should be her focus.

PacificDogwood · 07/08/2011 10:19

I cannot believe this thread is still going: so some of us think the OP was unreasonable and some of us don't

What I would like to know now is what the state of play is, piggly: have you spoken to your BIL/SIL since the whole sorry episode? Has your DH stuck his head above the parapet? Hope you are ok.

And above all, I hope your DN will continue to thrive and do well.

ImperialBlether · 07/08/2011 12:24

The thing is that even if the OP had slept on the floor next to the baby (and is anyone really saying she should?) then that routine would be different to what the baby was used to.

I think the fact is that what the SIL is doing isn't working. Her baby is getting too upset and too little sleep and the SIL and BIL are demented with tiredness. The SIL needs to rethink what she's doing rather than hoping someone else will do exactly the same thing once in a while to give her a break.

Nancy66 · 07/08/2011 12:33

I love telling people they are being unreasonable - but, in this instance, I can't think of any justification for doing so.

firstly, I think it's totally out of order that your sister and BIL asked you to mind their baby for a night when you have a small child of your own.

What they're doing isn't working - what you did worked. I suspect, there is the crux of it. You probably (totally unintentionally) made your sister feel inadequate. She can't get her baby to sleep - you did.

Sleep deprivation is hellish and turns perfectly reasonable people into monsters. It'll all blow over.

Original poster
Piggyleroux · 07/08/2011 13:29

I spoke to sil this morning and apologised for what I had done. She said sorry for going mad but asked me to in future to do as I am asked rather than going with my own instincts (exact words).

She said that getting dd's sleep sorted was a priority for them and they had another awful night last night which they think was because of my actions the previous night. sil said that she does not want her dd asking to get into bed with them when she is 5 Confused

During the conversation, I was in two minds whether to suggest a side car cot but though that any suggestions would not be taken on board. Sil is a self confessed control freak who is having a battle of wills (her own words) with her dd. On a more positive note though, they are putting her in the bedroom next to theirs so they don't have to keep running up and own stairs.

Good luck to them. I have told dh that I will not stay there again to help.

OP posts:
bananasplitz · 07/08/2011 13:30

oh well, leave her to stew then

she wants to do it her way, let her get on with it

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:30

I don't blame you OP - leave them to it!

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 07/08/2011 13:31

if she hasnt slept since she was born, how was last night your fault? Confused

poor little mite Angry :(

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 13:31

She said sorry for going mad but asked me to in future to do as I am asked rather than going with my own instincts (exact words) and that would be ok if she was talking to a paid maternity nurse but you are her SIL who was doing her a great favour ffs!

diddl · 07/08/2011 13:36

"but asked me to in future to do as I am asked rather than going with my own instincts (exact words)."

You should have said "what future?"

And you did do as you were asked-you enebled them to sleep.

Still, best to knock this "willfullness " on the headSad

TheFrozenMBJ · 07/08/2011 13:38

Battle of wills? With a 6 week old?!?!?!?

Poor little girl Sad

PacificDogwood · 07/08/2011 13:38

Oh well, leave them to it, then.

How they'll get on will depend entirely on whether their DD read the same baby books as them Grin.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 07/08/2011 13:38

"A battle of wills"?????????? Shock

SHE'S 6 WEEKS OLD FFS!!!!!!

I'm glad she apologised but I agree with valium, she should be bloody grateful to have had you to help at all. At least you know you won't be asked again Wink

Babieseverywhere · 07/08/2011 13:41

Does your SIL know that cosleeping with a tiny newborn does not mean you have to cosleep with older babies or toddlers ?

I would suggest the side cot idea. I think it is a good comprise between NOT bed sharing for the mother and yet still allowing baby access to her mother at night IYSWIM.

diddl · 07/08/2011 13:42

The sad thing is that they could alter sleeping arrangements to suit all-not necessarily co sleeping in same bed-and it won´t affect how baby is in the future.

Mine went into their own rooms easily-but went through a stage as toddlers of wanting us to sit with them until they fell asleep.

And a stage of waking up & calling out for us.

It passed.

TheOriginalFAB · 07/08/2011 14:04

I am very worried about this baby Sad.

diddl · 07/08/2011 14:10

Yes.

They sound very inflexible.

And if SIL is with her all day & sees things as a "battle of wills...."

Northernlurker · 07/08/2011 14:11

I'm worried about this baby and this mum too. How can she think it's at all reasonable to be angry with you for following your instincts which work whilst she follows her rules which don't. They had a miserable night because they are NOT meeting their child's needs. You cannot sleep train a 6 week old.

If I were you I would step right back though because I couldn't bear to see what's happening.

PedigreeChump · 07/08/2011 14:16

YWNBU. At all.

valiumredhead · 07/08/2011 14:19

If I spoke to my SIL in such a manner I'd expect short bloody shrift!

LeoTheLateBloomer · 07/08/2011 14:19

Does your SIL know that cosleeping with a tiny newborn does not mean you have to cosleep with older babies or toddlers ?

Good point. I co-slept with DD until she was 12 months when she very happily decided she could spend a whole night in her own bed. She sometimes comes in with me now but we both know we won't be making a habit of it.

I too am worried about the baby and your SIL. She can't be thinking clearly.

MrsCampbellBlack · 07/08/2011 14:20

Blimey well done for keeping your temper with your SIL on the phone.

And as for your mil - I hope your DH has stern words with her. With a bf 16 month old there is no way I'd have volunteered to look after someone else's newborn.

I would have had to have said to sil 'don't worry it won't be an issue in the future because I'm never going to put myself in that situation again' so good job she's not my sil.

And agree - poor baby.