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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or was this rude?

123 replies

princessglitter · 03/08/2011 22:04

Got the tram today with 3 year old dd. It was full, so we stood up. dd was very tired and complaining that her legs were sore, so when someone got off I let her sit down.

A woman got on the tram with a man who was slightly older and started looking for a seat. She spotted my dd and asked the woman on the adjacent seat: 'Is this your child?' I interjected at that point to say she was mine. The woman then said: 'Can we have her seat?' No please or thank you.

I said yes - but was expecting a thank you or acknowledgement. Nothing.

dd was tired, but I was more than willing to give up her seat if someone really needed it. The man promptly sat down without waiting for dd to get up, squashing her!

I got the impression that dd was considered unworthy of a seat as she is a child. I now wish I had sat down with her.

OP posts:
Jonnyfan · 03/08/2011 23:43

Bertie, you can search "UK only" any time, it does filter out some of the stuff you don't want, but not all.
An elderly gent once offered my son (22, strong, able-bodied), a seat on a crowded train.
Son was startled as the man was getting out of his seat and insisting he sat down.
Transpired that he put together my son's athletic build, suntan, short haircut, khaki t-shirt and large black holdall, and thought he was just back from Afghanistan.
Son refused the seat, but they had a good chat about military matters.

Kallista · 03/08/2011 23:49

People with a 'sense of entitlement' are IMO those who think they have more rights than others; and who would never say please or thank you or think of others' needs before their own.

keepingupwiththejoneses · 03/08/2011 23:49

The older generation seem to be ruder than teenagers at the moment. I have a friend who owns a quite a busy shop, she was telling me the other day that OAP's are the ones who shoplift most and they give a reason for it, i thought she was going to say they blamed it on their age, no, they say they fought in the war for our freedom so they have a right to take what they want as repayment Shock

keepingupwiththejoneses · 03/08/2011 23:52

Thing is most of these people who say this where most likely children when the war was on!

Kallista · 04/08/2011 00:04

the FarSide - pensioners span a 40 year age group. So they can't be lumped together - a 65 year old's life experiences are very different from an 85 year old's obviously! Eg. my neighbour in his 60s is a biker who smokes weed & has a young girlfriend. My 80 year old neighbour grew up in the war & calls him a 'young man' (he seriously doesn't look it).
Ps I only dislike rude pensioners. And squashing a 3 year old is mean!

startail · 04/08/2011 00:06

I'd not expect a child under about 8 to stand if there were any seats on a tram or the tube because they have a real job reaching a good hand hold.
I get reallyAngry at people who shove and push small children further up the aisle when the vertical pole by the door is often the one thing their bight they can hold.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 04/08/2011 00:19

Well, I think the old man was rude. And I hate all these unwritten rules- surely it's all about manners. You see someone more in need of a seat than yourself, be they old, young or whatever, and if you are more able, you offer them your seat, no rule required. In this case, however, it is debatable whether a toddler is more "able" than a man in his sixties.

Either way, manners also dictate that you should thank the person who gave up the seat, so the man didn't stick to the Rules, and was rude. OP did not refuse to give up the seat, and there were no doubt several more able people who could have given up a seat, but she gave the seat to RudeMan without a murmur and got no thanks or acknowledgement. That's not right.

YANBU

TheFarSide · 04/08/2011 00:22

I know, Kallista. I felt the thread was starting to get slightly absurd, and that was BEFORE keepingup informed us that pensioners shoplift because they fought for us in the war and think they have a right to free goods.

Kallista · 04/08/2011 00:48

I don't know, but I just get stressed thinking about public transport. I walk for miles to avoid using buses if I can now. I used to be more tolerant of other people, what's happening to meeee...

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 04/08/2011 00:49

Jooly, you speak a lot of sense!

Jonnyfan enjoys arguing for the sake of it.

Jonnyfan · 04/08/2011 08:39

Really Ellen? Are these not discussion boards?
Unfortunately it seems necessary to state a point several times as some folk are unable to understand a statement of fact, but simply respond with "you are thick" when they disagree.
I don't think I am more argumentative than anyone else.

ThePosieParker · 04/08/2011 08:44

Only in Britain, when inb Thailand a couple of years ago you couldn't stand for a second if you were pregnant, over 50, had small children or were a small child. Every mid age range adult or older teen would stand up the instant I (pg) got on the bus/tram/train.

It's shit that other people didn;t stand to allow your small child, unsteady on a moving vehicle, to sit.

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 08:58

If the woman asked on his behalf i would assume that he has a health problem but he didn't want to make fuss. His wife knew he shouldn't stand up thats why she asked. But thats me.

ThePosieParker · 04/08/2011 09:01

Seems like the woman could have asked many other able bodied people on the bus but she chose the easiest victim tbh. Why not ask someone else?

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 09:04

'victim'? Please. She thought her mum was the lady next to her, it makes sense.

ThePosieParker · 04/08/2011 09:08

Child.....easier to ask a mother to move a child than ask a grown man.

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 09:14

Yes. Because the child can sit on her mum's lap. A grown man cant Grin.

Remember they thought her mum was the lady sitting next to her.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 04/08/2011 09:14

It's impossible to know what's going on in other people's lives, which may make them behave in a rude way.

I could imagine my parents being that couple: they have to use public transport after 50 years of driving when my dad goes for chemotherapy. He's always exhausted afterwards: he looks like nothing's wrong with him, but he's ill and tired and scared. My mum is stressed to the hilt, so I can imagine her forgetting her manners in a situation like this.

I can say with confidence that on this occasion it wasn't my parents, as they live in Edinburgh! Edinburgh + trams = disaster! Grin

Don't be so quick to make sweeping generalisations about people.

altinkum · 04/08/2011 09:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 04/08/2011 09:17

If the rules say that children travel free, then they have as much 'right' to the seat as anyone else, because their parents have followed appropriate procedure for their journey. Of course it's polite to give up a seat for someone who is disabled - I'm not sure that being old makes a person less able to stand than a tired toddler though. There are plenty of people who would be in pain standing for any length of time who are not old and plenty of old people who are fit and healthy.

I hate the attitude that children are second class citizens and therefore not entitled to either a seat or a 'thank you'.

The mum was there first and has a right to either sit down or give her seat (if you are taking the view that she has only paid for one and therefore is only entitled to use one) to her child. She was polite and considerate towards the couple who asked for the seat and they were rude.

altinkum · 04/08/2011 09:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EuphemiaMcGonagall · 04/08/2011 09:18

Oh and maybe the man didn't see the little girl: I really am going to have to check this wasn't my parents as my dad is partially blind on one side and often can't see what's right next to him.

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 09:20

Euphemia i was thinking something similar.

Laquitar · 04/08/2011 09:21

oops i meant to your previous post

DogsBestFriend · 04/08/2011 09:34

With you all the way, Jonnyfan.

When I was a child, had adults got on a full bus after I'd taken a seat I'd have been told by my mother or grandparents to stand and offer the lady/gentleman my seat. By the age of... I don't know, 4 or 5... I did it without being told to.

I'm in my mid 40s and I still stand and offer my seat to older adults when on a full bus. My children will also always do the same.

It's called common courtesy and whilst the man in the OP lacked any for not thanking princess maybe that was his way of pointing out that she lacked any by not telling her child to move and offering the seat without needing to be asked.