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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask you if you think...(quite vile for this time of day tbh)

136 replies

OscarLove · 03/08/2011 12:15

that men prefer a shaven or hairy fanny?

I've just started seeing someone new and I feel that tonight (when he's cooking me dinner at his house - very romantic) some serious shagging i reaaaally hope will might occur :o

Desperate? Me?? Nah!!!

So, I was chatting with a male friend yesterday and we are very comfortable with each other and the subject of hairy/shaven fanjo's came up, and he said he can't stand hairy fannies, puts him right off, and most men think like this. Wanker! I have a hairy fanny and now i'm worried that it will kill the moment tonight!!! Help!

OP posts:
catgirl1976 · 03/08/2011 15:15

I disagree that discarding beauty rituals makes you free. Surely being free is having the choice? And if I chose to wax my fanjo to improve the sexual experience for myself or even if I chose to paint my nails because I like the way it looks surely the fact I have the choice is what makes me free. If I chose to spend my money and time that way thats my freedom surely?

I really dislike when people imply that I am not making my own choices because I am actually being influenced by men and am too thick to realise it. Just because I am a woman doesn't mean I am more easily influenced or not as intellegent and I find it an odd form of feminism that assumes I am.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 15:16

dreaming I understand what you say but there was atime not so long ago where women didn't earn their own money, and would have asked for permission to spend on themselves.

Spending money on this then can be interpretted as liberating especially wrapped up with the sexual empowerment argument.

Womens hair has been traditionally controlled by a masculine environment and is symbolic, eg getting it cut off once married or wearing it up when you are romantically unavailable.

It can be a status thing too, it also says something if you can spend your wealth and time contemplating below your navel.

DanFmDorking · 03/08/2011 15:16

Thinking of a bikini wax?

Ormirian · 03/08/2011 15:22

catgirl - of course you can choose to do it. But when you feel obliged to do it because otherwise you are 'dirty' or badly groomed, there is an element of unspoken coercion there.

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 15:25

Of course it's your choice and I absolutely don't think women who do these things are stupid or easily swayed. I mean, I shave my legs, I wear makeup, I do my hair.

I also know that virtually every man I've ever dated has spent no more than 10 minutes a day on his appearance (including shower and a shave). And that women who do the same and go for a more natural look are often dismissed as hippies, not trying hard enough, etc.

Emancipation does mean doing what you want, so yes it's absolutely your choice. But I do feel like real emancipation will mean we can spend as little time on ourselves as men and not be derided for it.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 15:36

I also cannot imagine a 100 years ago your Father or your Husband even allowing you to choose anything about your topiary.

a lot of women and men enjoy spending time on their grooming. in fact the more disposable income and time we have the more we enjoy it on this. You shouldn't be derided for liking it or not liking it.

I think women choose much more selfishly now about their dress and grooming. Women in the 70's and 80's wore heels everyday to work and anecdotally my mums office banned women from wearing trousers! Now most women i see in london are wearing flat shoes and trousers.

If we look at the last 500 years rather than the last 50 things are changing incredibly fast.

I may choose to wear heels when i go out but i don't feel i have to to be attractive. in fact it is that it is occassionally that makes wearing them feel special (and the taxi there and back!).

nocake · 03/08/2011 15:42

You're offering this man sex and you think he's going to be worried about how hairy you are? You really don't understand men Grin

Do what you want and are most comfortable with.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 15:47

nocake from my experience men aren't the gagging for it types i had been brought up to believe. (mores the pity)

A lot of them are very fussy and prescriptive. I suppose that is something that porn has developed; an awareness of very specific tastes which would not have been disovered previously.

A lot of men i have spoken to about this have said thay would rather do it themselves than with someone who wasn't prepared to meet all their needs.

I dont think sex is the commodity it used to be. Maybe it depends on age.

Ormirian · 03/08/2011 15:47

TBH I don't think your husband or father allowing it or not allowing it was besides the point. In the same way as whether they allowed or forbade you from flying to the moon! It wouldn't have been an issue because you wouldn't have considered doing it. It wouldn't have been thought neccessary.

BelleDameSansMerci · 03/08/2011 15:55

I also have been about a bit blessed with the gift of popularity and not once, ever has my topiary ever been a problem. Neat and tidy only. I have no desire to look like a little girl...

TimeWasting · 03/08/2011 15:56

Spuddy, that's shocking.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 15:59

it could be interpretted as shocking or it could be empowering it depends how you look at it.
It could be more liberating for society for people to know exactly what they want and not pursue someone with different desires. Or it could encourage selfish wankers! The academic jury's still out i reckon.

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 16:00

'A lot of men i have spoken to about this have said thay would rather do it themselves than with someone who wasn't prepared to meet all their needs.'

In my experience, men will verbally profess to rather high standards, which quickly fall away when faced with the actual possibility of sex.

Not to say they aren't picky at all but they are not nearly as picky in reality as they are in their conversations.

TimeWasting · 03/08/2011 16:02

Empowering? Men being so indoctrinated by porn they can't have sex with a normal woman? Yeah right.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 16:03

dreaming yes i see what you mean. the majority of men that i am talking about were part of an academic study so the possibilty of me shagging them was not on the cards! (not sure if that would have altered their statements tho!)

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 16:07

The argument is tho that they aren't indoctrinated, that they are seeing what they like and fulfilling themselves with it, (supply and demand too - the more popular it is the more is made so they are driving it forward not porn itself) rather than adhering to what constitute social norms. Man and woman etc.
Which is the same argument as why we shouldn't have sex education in schools - because it imposes a 'right' way and therefore a 'wrong' way.

TimeWasting · 03/08/2011 16:13

It's the porn-watching itself that creates that mindset though, I'd have thought. Medium is the message, after all.

Malificence · 03/08/2011 16:13

There wouldn't be the explosion of STIs if people were being picky Wink.

The only men who subscribe to the beliefs/preferences you speak of Spuddy, are indeed sad wankers with issues and I pity any woman with the misfortune to become involved with one of them. They sound nasty and are destined for a sad little life with their expectations of perfection.

fotheringhay · 03/08/2011 16:17

Right, if I'm single again I'm going to grow the most outrageous bush, to weed out the eejits.

(Might need a bit of weeding myself too)

GentlemanGin · 03/08/2011 16:18

'A lot of men i have spoken to about this have said thay would rather do it themselves than with someone who wasn't prepared to meet all their needs.'

This must be a generational thing. I'm 43 and I've never ever ever met, talked to or read about a man who'd rather do it themselves ( I assume you mean masturbation ) than have sex with a woman who didn't meet all their needs.

Quite the opposite.

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 16:22

Malificence yes i agree it is bringing up a generation with different expectations and also seperating sex from love (amazingly seperate in lots of circumstances). There were a lot who would rather be single than compromise - which i suppose with the internet is makiing life less lonely and that more of an option.

Surprisingly their preferences were not for the perfect body etc. But certain fetishes and acts.

I didn't mean to imply they were saying unless she's size 10 and blonde etc but more choosey about the acts they wanted done and to do. rather than the 'norm' intercourse hollywood/society has set up.

jinxediam · 03/08/2011 16:23

I shaved mine off following a thread on here where it really kicked off between the 'natural' Vs 'shaven haven' camps. I had previously been a 'nicely trimmed' kind of girlie but in the interest of nosiness research shaved mine off. That was 12 months ago and i've not looked back since Blush.

dreamingbohemian · 03/08/2011 16:25

Spuddy, I wouldn't say they are not adhering to social norms, rather they are following the social norms dominant in porn and helping to make them more mainstream.

It's all normative (says the social science major Wink)

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 16:27

gentleman anecdotally you do get that a lot in relationships - especially on these boards. Husbands who'd rather wank than have sex with an undesired wife. Not saying it's nice or anything!

I suppose the liberation of single women able and willing to have sex non commitedly (i almost said non commitally - but i'm sure there is that too!) has liberated men from being so desperate for sex they will compromise.

I'm not saying that doesn't exist tho too!

Spuddybean · 03/08/2011 16:28

dreaming that is a chicken and egg thing tho - are we getting what we want or do we want what we get?