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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Partner putting restrictions on my internet use

114 replies

mum0ftw0 · 02/08/2011 16:41

He has banned youtube.
I use youtube to watch music videos, perhaps 5 per day, and also I watch various things such as recently watching lots of videos on Autism, because my child is going through a diagnosis right now.

He banned youtube without talking to me about the possibility of banning it.

He says it uses too much bandwidth and we're over our limit, yet he's allowing next door to use our internet in exchange for 5 pound a month.

Do you think he's being controlling?

Shall I arrange to have my own seperate internet connection?

OP posts:
eurochick · 02/08/2011 18:05

"Why do I put up with it? What am I supposed to do?"

Remember you are an adult and his equal and demand that he treat you accordingly.

This thread has made me very angry.

FabbyChic · 02/08/2011 18:08

Get a dongle from 3 a pay as you go, pay for it yourself and use it to do what you want to do.

What you can do is stop being a doormat.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2011 18:09

"But with everyone else, other than me, he does constant favours because he's the local nice guy."

So he has two personalities, one for you and one for the rest of the world? HUGE red flag right there.

This is about more than internet usage OP. What is the rest of his behaviour like?

GandTiceandaslice · 02/08/2011 18:11

He is the local nice guy hey? That's how he likes himself to be perceived to the outside world. While behind closed doors he is a control freak.
Next door give him a fiver. How far does a fiver spread over a month?
Is there any more to this? I'm sure there is.

Bandwithering · 02/08/2011 18:11

Sounds like he is your boss. I agree with pps. He is controlling and out of order. ALSO, very foolish to let next door use your bandwith. They could be downloading something illegal. Who knows?

working9while5 · 02/08/2011 18:22

Would you say that he has any traits of Autistic Spectrum Disorder or Asperger's? What he is doing is very socially inappropriate, as all of these posts suggest, and yes, controlling. Sometimes ASDs can run in families.

I hope that's not a sensitive thing to ask, but it seems as though he thinks this is a logical thing to do when it is, well, not.. so I just wondered.

Tortington · 02/08/2011 18:29

t'internet box would meet an unhappy end of a hammer - if i cant use it - no one can

Bandwithering · 02/08/2011 18:47

working9while5, whilst I wouldn't want to offend anybody with a child with Aspergers, I believe my x had aspergers. He became very controlling, possibly because of his totally unsupported undiagnosed aspergers, possibly because he had no respect for me, possibly because he had very little empathy and rarely 'wondered' about things. He was definitely nicer to other people and strangers than he was to me. He was very intelligent, very successful at work. Treated me like a resource to be utilised though.

Empusa · 02/08/2011 18:47

"we used youtube plenty on the old house. He says it is directly to do with the limit, but still."

Honestly, take it from someone who pretty much eats, sleeps and breathes computers, that is absolute bollocks.

Bandwithering · 02/08/2011 19:06

ps it's not just his being controlling and being totally unable to see my pov that made me think that he might have had AS. There were other things. He was an expert in various subjects but clueless about other things. He could talk for hours about things that interested him but couldn't even try to talk about things that didn't interest him.

Bandwithering · 02/08/2011 19:07

yeah, i agree with empusa, it's bollix. but i bet if OP's husband gets an idea in his head, there is no changing his mind.... is he the type who would think he had the right time and the speaking clock was out.

GypsyMoth · 02/08/2011 19:53

think you should start taking charge of your life op........in your shoes i'd be issuing ultimatums,or i'd be off!!

lifes too bloody short for this crap

mollymole · 02/08/2011 20:02

why are you with him ????

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 02/08/2011 20:14

Unplug the broadband box, put it somewhere he can't get it and tell him to give you the parental control/broadband password or nobody will be using it.

And mean it.

nojustificationneeded · 02/08/2011 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mitmoo · 02/08/2011 20:30

I use talk talk unlimited band with isnt an issue.

I'd have to give your dh a metaphorical slap.

PhyllisDiller · 02/08/2011 21:47

He sounds very foolish about all things internet and IT...he lets the neighbours presumably log onto your wireless? That is beyond stupid for a start.

As for what you can do, get yourself a nice little laptop with any spare cash you may or may not have coming your way (just remembering a previous thread that I saw of yours) and set yourself up as main administrator and password the laptop, you can view what you like then.

Does he say you can't have a say over other stuff because you don't 'pay'?

My poor Mum had/has this, makes my blood boil quite frankly...she worked her backside off while my Dad went here there and everywhere because he was the 'main earner' Angry Angry

Get yourself a laptop, then log into the 'geeky stuff' section on MN if you want help setting yourself up as a main administrator!!

biddysmama · 03/08/2011 08:30

do you have a friend thats good with computers? i'd be getting someone in one day while he was at work and changing all the passwords and lock him and the neighbours out, he is treating you like a child, on out computer me,dh and ds1 all have a profile, mine and dh's is locked and we dot know each others passwords, ds1's has parental control on it

and WE pay the bills, he goes to work, the money goes into his account, i have his card and pay the bills,do the shopping etc

Animation · 03/08/2011 08:35

Is this a wind up?

Claw3 · 03/08/2011 08:40

Go to control panel - internet options - content settings and then mark everything as unrestricted.

Then make yourself an admin and password your account.

InTheNightKitchen · 03/08/2011 08:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenOfAllBiscuitsandMuffins · 03/08/2011 08:50

He's a cunt. HTH.

wannabesybil · 03/08/2011 08:57

Tell everyone in the street, the grocer, the postman and the biggest local gossip that your husband won't let you watch youtube or get emails, and he won't let you browse for recipes and do they know a good way of getting on the internet independently. Exaggerate hugely and look embarrassed to admit it. Make sure everyone knows that he has refused to even listen to what you have asked, and that he has called you mad and told you that you are exaggerating.

He cares more about his image with them than your quality of life. He won't want them to realise how awful he is. If you tell everyone what he is like, he will be forced to treat you like a human being.

Also please delete your history on the internet, because once this has sunk in, you will be prevented from getting advice from here. Also get together a cache of information like phone numbers of advice lines that you would normally get from the internet and put them where he can't find them.

Also password the computer, with a random password, and 'forget' it for a while. Tell him to ask the neighbours if he can use their internet. Practice doing this with a straight face.

This is not advice you should take if he is violent.

lassylass · 03/08/2011 09:22

Hes blocked youtube for everybody not just you, so you are being selfish. The broadband connection is obviously in his name and any excess over the limit comes out of his pocket. He can control the situation all he likes.

BTW - Youtube uses tonnes of bandwidth. Its streaming video, which is as bad as downloading full movies. Those posters who think its not counted obviously have unlimited connections.

If he wants to know who is using all the bandwidth, then he should download a monitor to track use. (would you then be on here accusing him of spying?). My money is on the neighbors, who could be running a child porn site for all he knows.

ShoutyHamster · 03/08/2011 09:47

Get up early tomorrow, and go out for the day. Disappear. If you have children, they get left with him. If he's expecting you to make dinner/do the shopping/clean the house, well, it won't get done.

If you can, go one better, pack a bag, and go away for the night. With just a text mid-morning 'Off for a break. Back Friday.' Nothing else.

When he then phones in a towering fury, point out to him that as in his opinion you make no contribution and can expect no say in the running of the home - what difference does it make if you're there or not? Surely none to him - boss of the house, earner of money, king of the castle? Surely you are a nothing to him?

Oh hang on it does make a difference? What - he needs you for childcare/domestic tasks/being a partner?

Well then he can FUCKING WELL START RESPECTING YOU AS AN ADULT OR THE ENTIRE ARRANGEMENT IS OFF!!!

You say this, very firmly, down the phone, and then say that you will be expecting a text informing you of when the parental controls have been removed. You will then come home for a mature, adult-to adult conversation about internet usage. You will fully expect YOUR opinion here to carry as much weight as his. Firstly, you will no longer agree to your neighbours using the connection for the security reasons which have been outlined here. (Then after a month of seeing them kicked off reassess the usage - I bet his eyes will pop out of his head).

But anyway- the internet's a minor thing really. Be warned. If you don't slap him down here in the STRONGEST TERMS POSSIBLE - by being prepared to simply WALK if he tries to treat you like this - then I'm afraid he will treat you like this for good. It's NO use threatening/pleading/having rows. No use at all - simply because if he's treating you like this, it means that he does not see you as a person he needs to respect. At all. Changing that is vital, and the only way to do it is to make him see that you WON'T take it.