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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mother was OTT and unfair

39 replies

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 16:26

Took the kids round to visit earlier. First thing she said to my 4 year old DS was 'Grandad told you he didnt want to see you until Friday after you were naughty not eating your tea'
I was at work last night so had no idea of said incident or wouldnt of bothered going round. She was clearly in an arse and kept moaning about DS and how he is so moody and naughty at times whilst constantly saying DD is so good and well behaved blah blah. Anyway DS drank out of his sisters drink and she went ape saying 'That was so NAUGHTY why did you do that?' in a really grumpy arse tone. I said dont go OTT it was a bit silly but not naughty as such and she started on one about how he is NAUGHTY and never gets any consequences (which is bull but I dont just whack him which she seems to think is the answer to everything).
This seems to be a long running thing and we have had words about it a lot, she just doesnt seem to like my son and im getting to the point where im wondering whether to not bother seeing her.

OP posts:

farnywarny · 02/08/2011 16:30

YANBU, sounds very OTT and not very nice to make your son feel that way, he will end up hating her if she carries on!

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 16:33

She sounds to have overstepped her GP boundary into a role where she thinks it's OK for her to parent your DCs (and not in a kind way by the sounds of it).

It would make it worse for me that she's doing it when you're actually there.

Is there any reason for her to be like that with your DS?

I think her saying he shouldn't have come round until Friday is a horrible thing to say to him.

I wouldn't be leaving him with her until you've got to the bottom of it and can trust her to be nice to him.

defineme · 02/08/2011 16:33

I'd givbe it some disance-nobodys getting anything positive out of this so don't go. Your ds will be noticing and it could do real emotional damage. Youy mother may have deep seated reasons from her past for this unfairness, but taking them out on a 4 yrold is wrong.
No need for an all out row-just get some space.
Unless you need therm for childcare-maybe look for an alternative.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 16:34

Do you stand up to her and defend your son when she goes on about him?

ToothlesstheDragon · 02/08/2011 16:35

you need to have a word with her, her behaviour towards your 4 year old is terrible. he's 4 ffs and im actually sitting here in disbelief at "Grandad told you he didnt want to see you until friday" thats disgusting.

Maybe its time to give your son a little break from his grandparents. Just saw you have tried to talk to her... Your son does not need this negativity towards him at such a young age.

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 16:35

Thought it was the case. My father also thinks she goes way OTT even though he acknowledges my DS can be awkward, he deals with it at the time and is never mean or unfair to him. My mother seems to act like an overgrown child at time and im starting to really dislike her.

OP posts:

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 16:36

Yes I do stand up and defend him, she accuses me of favouring him and not giving him discipline/boundaries.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 02/08/2011 16:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ormirian · 02/08/2011 16:41

I'd keep away. Poor lad

sweetheart · 02/08/2011 16:42

I think you should try and look at this objectively to begin with. Do you favour ds and treat him differently, ask other people if they see this in you.

The reason I say this is because I have a friend who does this with her ds. He can be quite a naughty little boy at times but she just can't or won't see it and so others around her have taken to stepping in when the boy is acting up. He has a habit of crying when he know's he's been naughty and the mother ALWAYS assumes he's crying because someone has done something to him and looks to lay blame with other children. It's exhausting!

If you can honestly and objectively say this is not the case than of course your mother was being unfair but perhaps you should try talking to her about why she has this view of you and your son in the first place.

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 16:43

All 4 YOs can be bloody awkward (and so can 10 YOs DD1 ).

But like your Dad does, you just deal with it and they're back to their normal happy selves before long.

Your DSs discipline/boundaries has nothing to do with your mum, she has no right to take you to task about them, unless you'd specifically asked for her advice.

They're not her children, and now you're an adult you don't have to do what she says.

Does she know you're starting to dislike her and her relationship with her GC is in jeopardy because of her behaviour?

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 16:45

No he isn't naughty. He goes to a childminder and has just finished pre school. Never had any complaints about his behaviour. Of course just like my DD who is put on a pedestal by my mother he can be a little sod at times but he's no walking ASBO like she'd like to make out.

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Spuddybean · 02/08/2011 16:46

My nan loved boys and disliked girls. My cousins (all male) could do no wrong and me and my sister were ignored. I think people excuse it and don't realise how confusing it is. You also could get caught in the trap of trying to compensate by being extra lenient with him which often backfires.

My sister has twin girls and for some reason has chosen 1 she clearly favours. She praises her and says how much better she is than the other one. In turn my family praise the other one even more to try to balance it out. The 'favourite' one then clings to my sister and cries all the time for praise and people dislike her even more as a whinger.

It is really sad. Explain to your mum and give examples of comparable 'offenses' being treated differently and ask her why. Maybe she doesn't realise.

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 16:47

Oh she does realise, thing is if its mentioned she goes on the attack and starts saying im paranoid, ungrateful anything really.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 16:50

'if its mentioned she goes on the attack and starts saying im paranoid, ungrateful anything really.'

Oh, that old chestnut

Don't let it put you off tackling her about it, you're not paranoid or being ungrateful to defend your son.

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 17:45

Woah. Ive just received a text off her saying (exact words) 'U r a horrible selfish person coming 2day and upsetting me u r only nice if u need a favour and u hardly ever seem grateful, u r a user'
Im actually really really shocked and upset. Think this may be the end of the road for us.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 02/08/2011 17:49

If you did decide to text back (which I probably wouldn't) just tell her you don't want to upset her any further so won't darken her door again.

LineRunner · 02/08/2011 17:52

I would never respond to a text like that. Never.

Ignore her. Take some time and make some space. Put your self in the driving seat here for once.

While you are reflecting on the situation, don't text.

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 17:52

I think she is too irrational to warrant a response. Its devastating to be honest.

OP posts:

mum0ftw0 · 02/08/2011 17:56

Don't put your kids through that.
Grandma is emotionally hurting them with her favouritism and unreasonableness.
Stay away from her and anyone else who is unfair towards your children.

MrsBaggins · 02/08/2011 17:59

Ignore her -she knows she was out of order and trying to blame you .
How old is DD ?
I found that my DP would look at older DDs behaviour and expect DD2 to behave the same -they forgot what was normal for 4 year olds

mum0ftw0 · 02/08/2011 17:59

OP just read about the text.
Sounds like she's mentally ill?

Stay away from her and protect your children, she could easily be speaking to your son like that very soon, as well as you.

Dylthan · 02/08/2011 18:01

That is just awful has she always been like this?

I wouldn't want my ds exposed to someone that treated him like this.

And that text she has just sent you If I was you I wouldn't be going back until she sorted out her attitude.

Original poster

BimboNo5 · 02/08/2011 18:01

I know its her old school friend (who she hasnt seen for donkeys years because quite frankly she is reclusive and cba to make any effort with friendships) funeral tommorow so she is probably stressed about that but its still in my view a disgusting text and ive fell out with her in the past but this is the clincher.

OP posts:

CheshireDing · 02/08/2011 18:28

Bimbo what a horrid text. Just because she is your Mum does not mean she can be horrid to you, especially over a "non" reason.

I would ignore her and enjoy your own little family. Keep the text though in case your Dad asks why you are not going round/ringing etc

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