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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To Tell Him He Cant Come to Her Birthday Party

38 replies

fran28 · 02/08/2011 11:01

My Daughter's 1st birthday last week and the boyfriend stayed up..but all he could go on about was when could he go home..so i sent him away the morning of her birthday...

He had been up a few nights already cos im moving house after the party..there is alot of history of selfishness on his part towards me and the baby and i just hoped this time he could just help out without thinking about himself first..i only needed his help for a week..

I have a joint party organised with my sister...with 4 year old niece and 6 year old nephew and have told him i dont want him at it...he saw her on her birthday...i just cant watch him...doing his daddy of the year routine

OP posts:

LadyThumb · 02/08/2011 11:39

Well presumably you must have known a bit about what he was like before you decided to have a baby with him?

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 11:51

i didnt see it until i had 3 miscarriages and was pregnant with my daughter...it was only while i was pregnant and i looked back at things.....that i realised...his main concern is always himself

OP posts:

bananasplitz · 02/08/2011 12:11

he is her dad, its up to him if he wants to be there

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 12:16

he has never once acted like her DAD....when she is sick and i tell him..all he says is he hopes she is ok...he can go days without seeing her without a bother.....so i dont think it is up to him..he saw her on her actual birthday...

OP posts:

LadyThumb · 02/08/2011 12:18

So why are you still having a relationship with him? He's not going to change you know, no matter how much you bang your head on a brick wall!

honeybehappy · 02/08/2011 12:20

why would you plan a baby together f you dont even live together??? sorry if that is harsh but i really dont get it.

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 12:25

we were planning on living together but he turned in to a selfish lying lazy fella while i was pregnant and i knew i couldnt rely on him..he just changed and choose drink and his playstation over everything

OP posts:

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 12:38

i know i should be the bigger person and have him up here for the party but why wasnt her actual birthday important to him? he hasnt seen her in a week and now he has no credit to even ask to see her cos he spent it all on drink...i just thought he would change when she was born...but he has actually gotten worse

OP posts:

BooyHoo · 02/08/2011 12:41

how would you feel if his family were having a party for her (as is their right as much as yours) and he said you couldn't be there because he was pissed off with you?

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 12:47

his family havent even seen her yet cos they couldnt be bothered...i keep arranging days for them to see her..so no it isnt their right as much mine to have a party for her and i have never treated him the way he has treated me...and if he was her main parent and i was acting like him? i wouldnt have the cheek to expect to go to her party...my daughter wouldnt even have a roof over her head if he was her main parent...he stopped paying his rent for the year i was pregnant...so he could drink every might

OP posts:

BooyHoo · 02/08/2011 12:50

no, i am asking how you would feel if they DID have a party for her and he said you couldn't be there for her 1st birthday party?

BooyHoo · 02/08/2011 12:51

and why the hell are you still with this child? you clearly dont like him.

BoysAreLikeDogs · 02/08/2011 12:52

this..... makes it really hard to read your posts

if you are separated why not get access formalised, then you can lose the stress and angst about he ought to do this or that, he'll have his days and you all know where you are

Sn0wflake · 02/08/2011 12:52

You have dumped him right? From what you described you should not be having a relationship with him. You should allow him access to your daughter but I agree it doesn't need to be at this party.

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 12:53

the reason i was still with him is cos i wanted my daughter to have a dad but he just isnt interested..but yet i still look like the bad person cos i have had enough and think he should pick her over drink and football and playstation....she never comes first with him.....thats why im finding it so difficult to have him up at her party..

OP posts:

FlyMeToTheMooncup · 02/08/2011 12:54

I don't understand what you're getting from the relationship either - does he only come round when he wants a shag?

bananasplitz · 02/08/2011 12:55

well if he isnt that arsed and has no money, surely he wont even care about being there or not, so you are making a mountain out of a molehill

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 12:55

sorry about the ....bad habit

OP posts:

Pandemoniaa · 02/08/2011 12:55

I don't think it helps to stir up unnecessary grief so no, I wouldn't tell him he couldn't come to the party. Instead, on the basis of the evidence so far, I'd assume he wouldn't get his act together to be there anyway. But useless as he is, he is still your dd's father and I don't think you should be using her as a weapon to get at him.

BooyHoo · 02/08/2011 13:01

i agree with pandemoniaa.

also OP. is the relationship over now or are you still with him?

if you are still with him have you considered how staying with him jsut so your DD has a'dad' will affect her. the adults around her are her role models for life. if you have this man in the role of 'dad' then that is what she will grow up to think a dad is. surely you want her to do better than him if she choses to have children? think about whether having him there is actually beneficial to her or not. you can do better than him and by the sounds of it your DD deserves better aswell. you dont need him there if what you say is all true.

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 13:04

im not using her as a weapon.....he does

i have never once stopped him from seeing her but why should her party being ruined for me? so he can go even though he doesnt even care for her?
All he could think of on her actual birthday was going away.

The only time he wants to see her is when we are fighting...normally he can go days and days without seeing her but the minute we are fighting, he must come up here and see her

OP posts:

BooyHoo · 02/08/2011 13:12

dont stop him coming, but just dont mention the party either. if he turns up he turns up. dont react to any of his whingeing. if he keeps asking when he can go then say "it's not up to me, you are an adult, make your own decision". if you did stop him coming and then your daughter asks when she was older why he wasn't there, could you honestly say you stopped him coming for her sake? i dont think you could? you are stopping him for your own reasons and sometimes when we have children (most of the time actually) we have to put our own feelings aside for the sake of our children. you need to be adult about this. if he doesn't turn up of his own accord then it is him she will have to ask about it and you wont have done anything to stop him.

ChaoticAngeltheInnocentOne · 02/08/2011 13:14

End the relationship, if you haven't already (not too clear on that point). Formalise residency/access and give him the date and time of the party. From what you've said chances are he won't bother turning up anyway. There will be other birthdays/parties.

Original poster

fran28 · 02/08/2011 13:15

he will use this party so people will think he is a great dad

from day to day he doesnt care about seeing her but all the special occasions he must be around

OP posts:

Mare11bp · 02/08/2011 13:16

He sounds like Jeremy Kyle fodder. Him and his family.

YANBU.

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