To Tell Him He Cant Come to Her Birthday Party

[fran28]

My Daughter's 1st birthday last week and the boyfriend stayed up..but all he could go on about was when could he go home..so i sent him away the morning of her birthday...

He had been up a few nights already cos im moving house after the party..there is alot of history of selfishness on his part towards me and the baby and i just hoped this time he could just help out without thinking about himself first..i only needed his help for a week..

I have a joint party organised with my sister...with 4 year old niece and 6 year old nephew and have told him i dont want him at it...he saw her on her birthday...i just cant watch him...doing his daddy of the year routine

so what if he does?? what does it matter that people think he is a great dad? it doesn't take anything away from you as her mum that people think he is a great dad. even if he doesn't come to the party, there will be other occasions where he plays teh great dad, are you going to stop all those aswell? are you going to follow him to the pub and stop him bragging to his mates saying how great he is with her? stop worrying about what other people will think and concern yourself with your daughter. you are being very immature.

i have ended it but i cant formalise access until i have moved in to my new place

i had actually already told him he couldnt come to the party, i suppose i tell him he can now?

im just sick of having to have him around when he doesnt care about her

well, when you chose to have a child with someone, you are accepting their presence in your life until your child is grown, and sometimes beyond. too late to make him disappear now.

maybe i am being immature but i cant help it

all the shit he put me through has changed me,

the whole time we were together, he had everything his way and still he is getting what he wants,

Going to a party of a baby he doesnt give a flying fuck about and i have to let him?

he couldnt come up when she was sick and had a temp and i was up for 3 nights with her cos a football match was on and he was watching it, his brother was in his..etc

The way I see it is you've arranged a celebration with your own family. He doesn't need to be there. Parents not in a relationship with each other often have their own separate parties, so each family gets to take part. There is nothing stopping him from doing this if he can be bothered to arrange it.

In your position fran, I would stop chasing him, trying to get him to be involved in his daughters life - he will either choose to be a proper dad or he won't. you cannot control, or even influence it really so stop trying. His family sound completely useless too.

I'd tell him that if he wants to see the baby, it is all or nothing. He pays child support and has proper access, where he takes responsibility for the child as a proper dad should, or he fucks off. I know a lot of people disagree about linking access to child support, but I think children need to see that their parents are properly committed to them and not half in, half out. I believe in putting your money where your mouth is.

yes you can help it. your behaviour is a habit as much as his is. you cant change his behviour no matter how much you try. he has to do that himself. but you can change how you react to his behaviour.

and no, you dont have to 'let' him. but stopping him woul dbe very immature and it would not be for your daughter's sake and after all the party is about her is it not? couldn't you put your feelings aside for a few hours and bite your tongue? let him play the great dad, sigh and roll your eyes when no-one is looking and then when it is all done you can hold your head up and say you did the adult thing and gave him the chance. do it for your daughter.

dont use his shitty behaviour as an excuse for your immature behaviour. be the bigger person. i'm not saying this is easy, i have had to do a lot of tongue biting over the years but it does get easier and you will get to a point where all his crap just rolls off you like water off a duck.

thanks for all your replys

but how many chance's do i give him with her? when is it time to say enough? i dont want her when she is older to be waiting on his empty promise's?

i know in a few years i wont care about this shit, but its getting through the party

i dont know if im strong enough to watch his great daddy routine without saying something?

ok well first things first you need to get moved house and then you need to arrange and agree access with him. say for example you agree he has her 2 nights every other weekend. (if he is as bad as you say he will not want this, too much like hard work but i would be offering it to him to a) see how serious he was about raising hsi daughter and b) to give you a break-that is important when you are the main carer) if he doesn't turn up then you tell him he has one more chance to take her otherwise you will not be facilitating any more contact. so he will have had 1 chance and then a warning. if he misses the 2nd chance then you follow through on your promise and dont offer any alternative dates or times. but get the contact all agreed with set times so he cant be vague with times/dates etc.

you can get through the party. it will only be a couple of hours and he mightnt even stay for all of it. just bite your tongue, grin and bear it. there will be other family and friends there too so you can distract yourself by talking to them and keeping busy.

Karmabeliver....

funny thing is thats how is dad was with him..not commited and he hated it
that his dad choose drink over him and his siblings

mine were the opposite,both did everything they could for us, my mam died when i was 14 and it kills me that he doesnt want to be around the baby when my mam didnt get to stay with us, didnt get to see her grandkids etc

booyhoo

i would love him to take her so i could get a break but where he is living? not a hope he could have a baby there,

place is full of mould and he has no wheelie bins which mean the flat has a lot of rubbish in it, he could sleep through anything which mean's he wouldnt be able to hear her cry

he minded her in my place a few weeks ago while i went out and had a few drinks, he was supposed to get up with her and leave me lying in..instead i had to wake him up when she was awake and then i had to go down and make a bottle

and he spent the next day sleeping all day cos he was so exhausted

He sounds like a total manchild. I wouldn't trust him to water my plants, let alone look after my baby.

Just, get rid. He doesn't contribute anything positive to your child's life. I honestly don't think that any father (or mother) is better than none. Children deserve parents who love them and would do anything for them and you can't say that about him.

ah well that changes thing then. does he want contact?

he says he does, he seems to want contact with me and the baby on only his own terms and still be able to go home for his own time to drink etc for 3 or 4 days.

I am finding this hard to cope with cos i cant be away from her for a day, and i know its not unrealistic to think he should feel the same

cos my brother and his girlfriend have 3 kids and he works his ass of for them everyday and wouldnt go a day without seeing them