to not want inlaws providing childcare?

[MarathonMillie]

Sorry for the length of this post, just wanted to try and explain properly.

DD is 14 months. I went back to work in June and as we could not get DD into our desired nursery until today childcare consisted of me being part time, childminder and inlaws having DD one day a week. I never really wanted inlaws providing childcare as was wary that it would set a precedent that would be difficult to stop and was wary of their manipulative and controlling behaviour. If you give them an inch they take a mile.

I explained to MIL they would only be providing childcare for 2 months and then DD was full time in nursery and they were fine with that. Now DH and inlaws are bullying me into reducing nursery down to 4 days so they can continue with having DD for one day a week. DH told inlaws they could still have DD without mentioning it to me and knowing that I want DD full time in nursery. I feel that inlaws pressurise DH when I am not around as they know he is the softer touch.

I do not have a problem with inlaws spending time with DD and DD having a relationship with them but think they should be grandparents and not childcare providers. We see inlaws at least once a week as they live nearby. On the days they have previously looked after DD there have been no disasters but DD has refused to eat (and yet she eats perfectly fine with childminder and visits to nursery) so I am a little concerned about why she will not eat with them. They also will not follow DD's routine and make DD fit in with whatever they want to do. They treat DD as an accessory.

I have trust issues with inlaws since they do not baby proof their home, keep doves which sh*t all over the garden DD is playing in and insist on buying all manner of things from car boot sales. The latest was a car seat which they bought for £8 and it was broken - they didn't even realise it was broken until we took a look at it. Nor did they ask any questions about the car seat from the seller. FIL has "fixed" the car seat with glue and they do not understand why we don't want them using it. I am very concerned they might use it without telling us. On occasions they do not return DD when we ask them to (and I don't just mean 5, 10, 15 mins) so she is late back and completely out of routine.

Since DD was born inlaws behaviour has increasingly infuriated me. The day after DD was born they organised a massive family BBQ without telling us and expected us to attend to show DD off despite the fact I had the midwife coming round for the first visit. They telephoned all afternoon telling us people were waiting to meet DD and how unreasonable it was for us to wait for the midwife! They ruined our first Christmas with DD as insisted we had to stay with them for 3 days, proceeded to get extremely drunk and argumentative, wanted to wake DD up whenever someone was around to show her off to and then proceeded to verbally abuse my DH when we decided to leave a day early to get away from them. On one occasion at theirs I said we had to leave and get DD to bed (it was her bedtime) and MIL totally ignored me, turned her back on me and proceeded to pressurise DH into staying which he agreed to and DH and I ended up having a blazing row at inlaws house. There are so many other examples which I will not go into as this will turn into a mammoth essay - moreso than it already is!

DH thinks I am being precious over DD and that if we can save on a day's nursery fees we should but I truly feel like my authority as DD's mother is constantly being undermined as almost every decision I try to make seems like a compromise to what I actually want.

As a side note, I am not enjoying being back at work and feel I have made a mistake going back full time. I need to be back at work for a year or else I have to pay back enhanced maternity pay. I feel that if DH wants to cut nursery fees I should go part time but DH thinks I am then being possessive of DD.

I need some independent and honest opinions to see whether I am being unreasonable in not wanting inlaws looking after DD one day a week. DH and I are at loggerheads and for the first time in my marriage I am really unhappy.

Poor your. I had to read your post twice as quite honestly this could have been written by me.

I'm a few years down the line from you but again am left with my children being in PIL care for 1 day per week as DH and PIL 'bullied' (as yes is a fair term) me into it.

My DH seems to be on my side when rationally discussed at home and the second he is left alone with my IL's he's back to 'pursuading' me to come round to their way of thinking.

I don't have a good relationship with my IL's resulting from years of similar encounters as yours.

I still don't have any definate answers for you either other than to say I think you are being perfectly reasonable and stick to your guns and morals on this.

P.s. If they want to move the goalposts, you can play just as dirty!

I disagree with TSC.

Calling you repeatedly the day after you have given birth to demand you come round to a BBQ to show off your DD and to say it was UR of you to see the MW first - that's not trying to create a family event, that's being a pair of wankers.

Some people would only need one explanation that the car seat was not safe - others would ignore the warning and use it regardless.

I don't think there is any problem with you wanting your DD to not be cared for by your ILs. Her wellbeing has to go before EVERYTHING else - including your DH being scared of his DM.

Unsettling her usual routine, allowing her to play somewhere that is covered in pigeon shit and isn't remotely childproofed is NOT taking her best interests into account and your DH needs to understand that.

Erm changed my mind now - if dh is wanting pils to do childcare whatever then that's now good
My view is that people sort out their child care according to money, availability and what's good for kid. If your dh really wants his parents to do childcare that's fine but a) it's for their benefit surely b) does it suit you.

You need to anwser those questions to yourself.

mummyfirst - that doesn't sound good if your bullied into it.

I don't see part time being the answer, surely they'll still want her one day a week and the same arguments for will still apply?

I don't know how your nursery fees are structured but at ours if you are FT you don't pay 5 x the daily rate. It does mean that it isn't really financially worth only doing 4 days because it costs almost as much as 5. Just a thought.

My mum looks after my DD on an emergency basis but there is no way I'd want her looking after her permanently (& TBH neither would mum). They enjoy the time they get to spend together without any feeling of obligation on either side.

giveitago - it isn't good being bullied into it. However from bitter experience, I have alternative childcare ready to go waiting in the wings for the next inevitable balls up. What knarks me the most is, because my Grandma looked after me everyday of the week, I (stupidly) thought when the idea was put to me that it was great. Not everyone is the same though are they.

My Grandma had a saying though, 'they will need me before I need them'. Kinda like what goes around comes around.

I can wait patiently.

Yeah but don['t be bullied into anything. n

I was going to say that YABU, your dd is as much our dh as she is yours and he should also have his say into who cares for dd. However there are things about the situation that would worry me, such as them using the broken car seat, birds shit in the garden. As for keeping to a routine, well they are right children do have to fit round you. They will nap in the buggy when out, eat when out and about does not have to be at home. , and

Mabey set some ground rules for them, provide a safe carseat for them, and tell them to clear up the birds mess, and to make slight changes to their home to make it safer. All the rest are little things really.

See, this is why I turned down MIL looking after DS one day a week. People on here thought I was bonkers when I started a thread saying I wasn't sure about it.

Honestly, tell your DH your DD isn't going to them one day a week, confirm with nursery and pay for the day. Tell your DH he needs to accept you aren't prepared to sit at work worried and upset all day. Plus, if your DD is anything like my DS, being out of routine means your more likely to have a bad night, so that's one day of being worried at work, followed by one day of being tired at work. You're not going to be productive 2 days a week at work.

I would try to be polite as possible about this though, you may need them when your DD isn't well enough for nursery.

I'd tell your mother in law to take a running jump, but I'm not known for my tolerance of people who disregard my wishes regarding the bringing up of my children.

You and your husband need to talk. Alone. Make a decision. Act on it, then present it to his parents as a done deal.

Or, just tell your mother in law to take a running jump

pigletmania Not all children WILL nap in the buggy (or anywhere else, eg sofa or carseat) when out.

DD is one of those children who will only sleep in her cot, with her bunny and dummy and the curtains drawn. If I take her out over nap time and try to get her to nap in the buggy with her bunny and dummy, even with a blanket over the buggy to make it a bit darker, I end up with a very hysterical and overtired little girl :(

TheSecondComing (Chris Eccles fan?) I have an ex, we are on the same page though. If we need to talk, we do the middle paragraph of my post:)

I am reasonably lucky that my parents understand that I do things my way and they have never tried to go against my/our wishes. His mother is a weapons grade (man I love that phrase, thank you MN) narcissist and has zero contact with him, me or the kids so isn't a problem.

PIL look after our DD 1.5 days a week and overnight. They are lovely and like to follow our lead and never undermine us. They're happy to do it and we love that DD is so happy with them. However... they do like to go away on holiday or something crops up on the days they have DD and we need to find an alternative. We also feel bad if DD is ill and they offer to have her on those days too (as she can't go to the CM) and then they end up looking after her a lot. It's lovely of them and they're the next best people to look after DD when she's ill, but it takes up a lot of their time when they're both busy too.

Personally, reading your comments, I'd stick to your guns and go with nursery full time. The car seat issue would be my overriding concern but everything you've said just seems like this isn't going to end well, either with your PIL or your DH. Bite the bullet, otherwise you'll never be able to concentrate at work.

OP - I do think that you feel very strongly about these points, and that is fine. My personal opinion (coming from a different set of experiences) is that you are being a bit U, but that you can't help how you feel.

I think if DH was on the same page as you then these issues wouldn't be anywhere near as rough.

If you're unhappy in ft work and can afford to go pt, then do that. Enjoy those extra days you will have with DD.

Foster the relational bonds DD has with her grandparents by suggesting 2 dates a month they can have her - say the 2nd and 4th Friday in a month - so you can have time on your own, or with DH and they can see DD. That might not be ideal for your circumstances, so adjust to fit better.

I don't want to be woe is me, but I have to say you are SO lucky to have interested in-laws.

It doesn't matter how many people tell you that you are unreasonable and PFB. She's your baby, you know you wouldn't be happy if the arrangement carried on and you're unlikely to change your mind. Your husband has reneged on the deal.

Say no thank you.

I would put dd in nursery full time. Your mil is testing you. She has asked you and you said no. She is going behind your back and needs to learn when you say no you mean it. dd will be much happier at nusery with her friends.

My mil tests me about once a month. On the last one I told her not to feed lo as we had fed him his dinner before going over to their house. She then cut up big lumps of cheese and was trying to make him eat it, he said no I dont want it. I then went into the room pulled him off the chair and said to him no you cant eat anymore. Didnt bother looking at her and took him out of the room. grrrr.

I think YABU. Your DD is your husbands child equally to yours. If he believes its in her best interests (and your home finances interests) then I am not seeing a problem. A child could have an accident anywhere and as with life, there is never only one day to do something. Its about give and take.

"Time to make it clear that where your DD is concerned, Mummy Tiger is the one he wants to consider first, second and third!"

Bloody he'll, that is wrong on so many levels I don't know wherebtobstart!

I'd tell your mother in law to take a running jump, but I'm not known for my tolerance of people who disregard my wishes regarding the bringing up of my children

I do so hope that what goes around comes around and people get their just deserts when their DCs are adults!
When you married DH you got his family and these are your DCs grandparents-people they may love to bits and take after, far more than they take after you!
I pity the poor DCs with such a possessive, untolerant attitude.
I looked for the 'Mummy Tiger' one, but couldn't see it-but I am speechless with that one!
It can't be good for DC to have all this my, my, my.

Fair enough if you would rather use a nursery, but these are people who love her, and if you don't want regular childcare you do need to think of ways of letting them have contact at different times.

I sympathise very much with your position. Can you find a compromise? My ideal would be to have DD either in nursery or with DH (he works part time) but as a concession to his parents, who were expecting to have DD all the time (as they have for their other grandchildren but NO WAY was that going to happen!), they have her one afternoon a week, but at my house, not theirs. They ignore routine, feed her things expressly against my requests, and take any request or suggestions, however tactfully worded, as a slur on their ability/past history in bringing up children.

However, I have decided to try and rise above it. It is very hard, but I think this is for the best. I have to remember that they love DD very much, it is very important for her to have a relationship with them, it means I dont put DH in a difficult position where his parents and I are at loggerheads, and I think that there is probably a limit to how much the routine/my rules can be disregarded in an afternoon. Even if that does happen, I am schooling myself to believe that the benefits to DD outweigh my irritation at requests being disregarded.

Oh cripes OP. I'm in a similar situation to you. Except, my PIL live 120 miles away and want us to drop DS off on a Sunday evening...and pick him back up on the Friday evening! Yes, they want to have him all week...

They cannot understand why I have refused their kind offer of childcare. I am now the evil DIL who is keeping their grandchild away from them.

You aren't in a similar situation, lady flumpalot!! Your pils are obviously being unreasonable-that's a bonkers idea. The op's aren't!

Hmm really tricky one. If your dh felt the same as you, I wouldn't hesitate to say use nursery full time- but as others have said (apart from one or two irrational people) both parents are equal, one does not trump the other, and I think if you make a unilateral decision against your dh, it will be really bad for your relationship with him,which in turn is bad for your dd.
Have a proper heart to heart with your dh . Try to establish his reasons for wanting to use his parents - if it is purely financial, it puts you in a stronger position, because that is the least 'good' reason to decide on childcare. If however, its because be wants his dd to have this sort of relationship with his parents, then you have a harder battle to fight.

I do think overall this sort of post is exactly the reason why regular childcare is best done on a professional basis, an grandparents are best left to just be grandparents

Re: not enjoying your work- you've only been back 2 months, and have so far been unhappy with your dds care, so I don't think you can accurately judge how you'll feel. Give it time, get your dd into your nursery of choice (which will happen anyway rgardless of whether 4 or 5 days) and get properly back into the swing. If you decide to step back down to part time after a year, thats a separate issue- though you may still find your in laws badgering to have your dd once a week.

But you need to talk urgently to your dh about how you feel you are both being undermined by the in laws, because unless he agrees with your perspective you're going to find this a really tough battle